need advice

foroughsh

Well, this is my short story. I was diagnosed 25 months ago, 10 cm confined to kidney tumor. Had follow ups and am considered to be NED.
My hubby and I were thinking of having our first baby before the diagnosis but the diagnosis, surgery,follow ups, depression, stress, hopelessness made me make the decision of not wanting to have baby for the rest of my life which led to another round of depression as I've always dreamed of having a cute sweet daughter.
Now two years passed and I'm 39 years old. My gynecologist isn't very happy with my decision as she believes I'm losing my last chances of being able to get pregnant because my hormonal tests aren't the best and she think I should reconsider my decision.
My oncologist told me it was OK to get pregnant five months ago but I trusted my uro-oncologist more who used to say it's best to wait at least three years so didn't take this suggestion seriously.
But Last week my mom and I were at my uro-oncologist's office as we are both his patients. My mom asked him when I could get pregnant( she doesn't know I had cancer, all she knows is it was a simple surgery but it's best not to get pregnant any time soon just because we don't want to put pressure on the remained kidney, i know it's silly but it's the only way I could get her out if this cancer story which I know is too much for her to tolerate) by the way once she asked I was shocked as I didn't even imagine she would directly ask such a question. But my urologist's answer was more surprising. He said now. Mom got happy and came out but i remained and asked him more questions. He kept telling me, two years passed, the chance of reccurance is low, you're loosing you golden years to get pregnant and..... He said once you make your decision the first thing is to have a full set of scans and laboratory test, if it's OK then why not?
I don't know what to do now. Those of close friends who know the story tell me if both your surgeon and oncologist are ok, then why not? My best friend thinks, I love having kids, I've always loved Babies, and if I decide to not have one for the rest of my life it means I'm ready for recurrence which also means I haven't let it go and want to take this disease for the rest of my life with me.
My hubby also loves having babies but always tells me the only one who matters is me. And every decision I make is his decision too.
We both would love to adopt a baby but here, in Iran it's impossible unless it's medically proved that the couple can't get pregnant and even if such thing is proved then you have to wait years in line.
I really don't know what to do, honestly I keep thinking about all bad consequences this decision might bring such as I would get pregnant and during pregnancy it comes back, or it would come back while my child is too young to be able to protect oneself. I would die and left a kid who didn't have to be on earth if it wasn't for my selfishness. And so many other what if s?
I know it's a decision I must make on my own, but you are the only ones with almost same story, so could you please take time and tell me your opinion.

hardo718

My opinion?

I say go for it, if that's what you and your husband both want.  You've been given the green light.  My reasoning has nothing to do with you being selfish or not.  You obviously have a lot of love to give.  And honestly, no one EVER knows if we will be blessed with a life that's long enough to raise our children.  Our tomorrow's aren't guaranteed.  We have to try to live in the moment.  I completely understand your anxiety though.  I was going to mention adoption as an option, is it possible to go outside of the country to adopt if you decide to go that route?

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

Donna~

foroughsh

hardo718 said:

My opinion?

I say go for it, if that's what you and your husband both want.  You've been given the green light.  My reasoning has nothing to do with you being selfish or not.  You obviously have a lot of love to give.  And honestly, no one EVER knows if we will be blessed with a life that's long enough to raise our children.  Our tomorrow's aren't guaranteed.  We have to try to live in the moment.  I completely understand your anxiety though.  I was going to mention adoption as an option, is it possible to go outside of the country to adopt if you decide to go that route?

Best wishes, whatever you decide.

Donna~

Thanks Donna for

Thanks Donna for encouragement

It's almost impossible, otherwise I would have done it years ago and before the diagnosis. I voluntary work with a charity which supports little abandoned  kids and wanted to adopt a kid but not possible, and that includes adoption of a baby from outside of the country too.

icemantoo

You have

You have my blessings. However this has to be your decision.

 

Icemantoo

Footstomper

I suppose...

There's no harm in practising

Jan4you

Foroughsh, I hear your

Foroughsh, I hear your concerns and anxiety over trying to make the best decision for you and your husband. To me, its a "meant to be" kind of thing, so I agree with Footstomper, why not practice and see what happens. Ask for guidance spiritually so you are lead with courage and serenity. I believe there is already an answer for you, so be prepared  to accept that answer. RELAX, love each other and see what is destined to be...

Sending you healing calm, serenity and peace of mind, Foroughsh.

Hugs, Jan

daisybud

I agree

I agree With everything Donna and Jan said.  I would also go for it and the dr gave you the greenlight. But it's your decision to make.  Anything could happen and cut ones life short. Life is a great unkown to all of us.  Children are a blessing.  

Best wishes

Kim

 

 

marosa

I totally understand

I would probably have the same concerns if I was you, but if cancer has taught me one thing it's the fact that we do not know of our tomorrow, we only have today!   If a baby is what you both want, it will be a joy in your life in every possible circumstance!  Not all women want to experience motherhood in their lives... but for those of us who do, it is one of the most amazing adventures we can have in life!

For me personally who have always wondered what on earth we are here for and what the meaning of all is... this (motherhood, my boys) have been my best answer so far!   I would definitely say go for it!

Big hug.

sblairc

Hugs to you.

Sending big hugs to you. This sounds very stressful for you. 

Have you considered leaving it all up to "chance" and  just see what happens? Like Footstomper said, lots of practice? Then the decision will sort of be out of your hands, so to speak. Kind of "what will be, will be"? 

 

Allochka

I think you should be very

I think you should be very honest with yourself. Do you really want to have babies? If yes - go for it, do not hesitate. As advised above - you can be absolutely healthy with no cancers and die in an accident and leave your baby alone. Sadly it had happened to our neighbour one year ago -young man was killed by a train, 2 little kids left without dad... So if you love to have a baby - do it, otherwise you could regret about not trying. Don't let fear decide for you.

But if you subconciously hesitate if babies are for you, if you want them at all -then do not listen to anyone, don't be ashamed to admit it and just live happily together with your husband!

I wasn't very baby oriented until I became older, and now I am so in love with our Alisa and so happy we have her !!!! :-) So I can understand both not wanting to have babies, and also wanting and loving them.

I wish you to be happy and at peace with yourself, no matter what decision you make. Just do not be afraid!

sblairc

Allochka said:

I think you should be very

I think you should be very honest with yourself. Do you really want to have babies? If yes - go for it, do not hesitate. As advised above - you can be absolutely healthy with no cancers and die in an accident and leave your baby alone. Sadly it had happened to our neighbour one year ago -young man was killed by a train, 2 little kids left without dad... So if you love to have a baby - do it, otherwise you could regret about not trying. Don't let fear decide for you.

But if you subconciously hesitate if babies are for you, if you want them at all -then do not listen to anyone, don't be ashamed to admit it and just live happily together with your husband!

I wasn't very baby oriented until I became older, and now I am so in love with our Alisa and so happy we have her !!!! :-) So I can understand both not wanting to have babies, and also wanting and loving them.

I wish you to be happy and at peace with yourself, no matter what decision you make. Just do not be afraid!

This is very well said.

Well said!!! 

Teashea

Good morning

Two years remission is great! Your husband sounds great! If it was me making this decision I would get the scans. When you find out all is good, I would have a baby. They are wonderful little creatures until they are around 16. We never know when our day will come..... Keep living and loving.

 

foroughsh

Thanks everyone for taking

Thanks everyone for taking your time and giving me your opinion. Believe it or not it really means different when you say something as you know what you're talking about.

I had a minor surgery( not related to RCC) last week and I had a week off to stay at home and regain strength. I had a whole week to do nothing but resting and thinking about this decision. But seems I need to have one more surgery before any serious decision.

Damn it, it's going to be my fifth surgery in last two years

stub1969

Hope

Foroughsh--I hope all is well and I pray for a speedy recovery.

Stub

Allochka

Forough, I hope these

Forough, I hope these surgeries are not smth major. Speedy recovery to you. And as for kids -  do as your heart wishes, and don't be afraid of anything!

marosa

Get well soon!

Speedy recovery!