Isolated

ReginaS71

I just completed the 7th of 12 treatments. I am getting the Fluorouracil, Klor-Con M20, Leucovorin Calcium, and Oxaliplatin. The neuropathy associated with these makes me feel very isolated.  These last 3 days have been horrible.  All I can do is cry.  I thought today was going to be better but then my daughter got up nagging about being hot.  I can't imagine how difficult this is for my family, but I honestly cannot stand to be around her and I feel guilty about this.  A mother shouldn't desire to be away from her children but I cannot take the blatant disrespect she is exhibiting.  It's like she is trying to convince me I am crazy or something.  I finally told her that if she cannot deal with things at home she had to leave.  She is a soon to be 23 year old living at home while she goes to cosmetology school.  I am angry, I am all of it.  I feel every emotion rushing at me all at once!  My doctor gave me Ativan to help with this but all it does is make me sleep.

I have done well since being diagnosed in May, but the last 3 days have been hell.  As much as I desire to be around others, I have no desire to be around others because I will just make them miserable like I do my daughter.  It's a no win situation.

I'm sorry to dump all of this on you all. I feel so alone.

Trubrit

You are not alone

Ah! I hear you when you talk about your daughter. And just so you don't feel bad, NO! Its not bad of you to not want to be around your daughter. Why should it be bad? She is treating you with disrepsect. Just because you gave birth to her, doesn't mean that you can't feel pain when you are treated in a way that brings you down. 

When I was going through Chemo, my oldest son had just returned from his stint in the Army, and my youngest son was still living at home - same thing, giving them a break to help them save a bit of money - 

Living in out VERY small house, four adults, myslef being the only female, was very, very hard during chemo. The boys still seem to expect me to be the same old mum, cooking and cleaning up after them. I hate to admit it about my own children, but they certainly were a burden at that point. They were selfish (probably a reflection of their upbringing, but still...).  I finally told them I had had enough, and that they needed to move out. 

While I was away in the big city for the six week radiation, they found themselve a place to live and were gone by the time I arrived home.  They have been happy and I have been happy. Guilty? Maybe just a tinsy winsy bit, that I told them to go, but it was the best thing ever, for me AND for them. 

Talk to you daughter. Tell her that even though you may look like you are doing OK, you are not. That it is not just a physical toll the chemo is having on you, but an emotional one as well. Let her know that you are the one being kind, allowing her to stay while she is at cosmetic school, but that if you are to survive - treatment as well as life itself - she will have to buck up or move on. 

Aye, harsh words indeed. But this is your time of life to take care of yourself. 

Well, that was a bit of a lecture, wasn't it. Hope I don't come across too hard. 

We are here for you EVERY DAY if you need us. Someone is always around. 

Better stop now, eh. 

SUE

RetiredNellie

Please do not feel guilty! 

Please do not feel guilty!  What is happening with you cannot be understood by those that haven't experienced it BUT they should show you the compassion, respect and love regardless of how "uncomfortable" they feel.  I do not have any children but I have wonderful friends that have been there through thick and thin.  Unfortunately, a few times I had to do exactly what you did with your daughter; put them on notice that it isn't about them right now, it's about you and getting you healthy again and free of this monster.  People in our condition do not need the added stress.  We need every ounce of strength we can muster to fight!  Hopefully your daughter will quickly realize this and I will be praying for you.  I admire you for being able to complete 7 rounds so far.  I only made 6 and am hopeful it was enough but like you, I have total faith in the Lord.  Take care.

sincerely, Sharon

JanJan63

I'm sorry you're going

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was lucky and my adult daughter has been wonderful. But, going through this is so hard for everyone and brings out emotions that can seem terribly inappropriate. It might be her way of acting like everything is normal. It's hard to imagne losing a parent and nobody wants to think about how truly awful the person with cancer feels. If she can make you act like everything is the same as it was it likely makes her feel safer and is comforting. She can tell herself that everything is going to be okay.

At the same time its human for you to want her to leave you alone if she can't show some compassion. Nobody can know what the neuropathy from oxyplatain is like. I've had a very hard time describing it to my husband and daughter. I found it terribly stressful because things would set it off that I wasn't expecting and it was like walking around with booby traps everywhere. Or I'd pick something up that shouldn't have set it off and suddenly realize it was and get really upset trying to get rid of whatever I had in my hand without dropping it or throwing it away from me. I got to the point where I was crying a lot because of it and I ended up not completing my treatments.

I hope you'll be able to explain to her that she needs to leave you alone of she can't stop being insensitive or to try to suck it up when she's around you. Support is huge to help us get through this crap.

Good luck with your treatments!

Jan

ReginaS71

Trubrit said:

You are not alone

Ah! I hear you when you talk about your daughter. And just so you don't feel bad, NO! Its not bad of you to not want to be around your daughter. Why should it be bad? She is treating you with disrepsect. Just because you gave birth to her, doesn't mean that you can't feel pain when you are treated in a way that brings you down. 

When I was going through Chemo, my oldest son had just returned from his stint in the Army, and my youngest son was still living at home - same thing, giving them a break to help them save a bit of money - 

Living in out VERY small house, four adults, myslef being the only female, was very, very hard during chemo. The boys still seem to expect me to be the same old mum, cooking and cleaning up after them. I hate to admit it about my own children, but they certainly were a burden at that point. They were selfish (probably a reflection of their upbringing, but still...).  I finally told them I had had enough, and that they needed to move out. 

While I was away in the big city for the six week radiation, they found themselve a place to live and were gone by the time I arrived home.  They have been happy and I have been happy. Guilty? Maybe just a tinsy winsy bit, that I told them to go, but it was the best thing ever, for me AND for them. 

Talk to you daughter. Tell her that even though you may look like you are doing OK, you are not. That it is not just a physical toll the chemo is having on you, but an emotional one as well. Let her know that you are the one being kind, allowing her to stay while she is at cosmetic school, but that if you are to survive - treatment as well as life itself - she will have to buck up or move on. 

Aye, harsh words indeed. But this is your time of life to take care of yourself. 

Well, that was a bit of a lecture, wasn't it. Hope I don't come across too hard. 

We are here for you EVERY DAY if you need us. Someone is always around. 

Better stop now, eh. 

SUE

Words of Wisdom

Thank you, Sue, for those words of wisdom.  They resonate quite well.  I do have myself to blame...I created the little monster in her.  Like your sons, she is used to mama taking care of most everything.  My husband said it like this, "You have always been the back bone of our family, and when you are down, the rest of us fall too."  I knew what he was saying but I replied, "The back bone needs support sometimes too."

Thankfully, today is much better, in fact, yesterday got better after I said that to her. I believe seeing this side of the chemo came as a shock.  I have been blessed throughout this journey and haven't had real bad side effects.  This treatment has been the worst for me.

Thank you so much for sharing.  I am sorry that you had to experience it also, but it is comforting to know I am not alone.

Blessings,

Regina

ReginaS71

RetiredNellie said:

Please do not feel guilty! 

Please do not feel guilty!  What is happening with you cannot be understood by those that haven't experienced it BUT they should show you the compassion, respect and love regardless of how "uncomfortable" they feel.  I do not have any children but I have wonderful friends that have been there through thick and thin.  Unfortunately, a few times I had to do exactly what you did with your daughter; put them on notice that it isn't about them right now, it's about you and getting you healthy again and free of this monster.  People in our condition do not need the added stress.  We need every ounce of strength we can muster to fight!  Hopefully your daughter will quickly realize this and I will be praying for you.  I admire you for being able to complete 7 rounds so far.  I only made 6 and am hopeful it was enough but like you, I have total faith in the Lord.  Take care.

sincerely, Sharon

Thank you

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am so not used to speaking out for myself.  I stand for others easily but I have not always found it easy to stand for myself.  This journey has been a learning experience for me. I have been learning to receive and put safe boundaries in place around me.  These aren't always easy lessons to learn, but they are very necessary.

I am hoping I can make it through the 12 treatments.  I am trying.  I am believing with you that 6 was enough for you.  Isaiah tells us, "By His stripes you WERE healed!"  It's already been done.  Thank you so much for your support and encouragement.

Blessings,

Regina

ReginaS71

JanJan63 said:

I'm sorry you're going

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was lucky and my adult daughter has been wonderful. But, going through this is so hard for everyone and brings out emotions that can seem terribly inappropriate. It might be her way of acting like everything is normal. It's hard to imagne losing a parent and nobody wants to think about how truly awful the person with cancer feels. If she can make you act like everything is the same as it was it likely makes her feel safer and is comforting. She can tell herself that everything is going to be okay.

At the same time its human for you to want her to leave you alone if she can't show some compassion. Nobody can know what the neuropathy from oxyplatain is like. I've had a very hard time describing it to my husband and daughter. I found it terribly stressful because things would set it off that I wasn't expecting and it was like walking around with booby traps everywhere. Or I'd pick something up that shouldn't have set it off and suddenly realize it was and get really upset trying to get rid of whatever I had in my hand without dropping it or throwing it away from me. I got to the point where I was crying a lot because of it and I ended up not completing my treatments.

I hope you'll be able to explain to her that she needs to leave you alone of she can't stop being insensitive or to try to suck it up when she's around you. Support is huge to help us get through this crap.

Good luck with your treatments!

Jan

I Agree

I do think this was a safety reaction for her.  She is so much like me.  We tend to hold our emotions in until we have that emotional outburst; the explosion that says, "I can't do this any more!"  She hasn't been feeling well either and I think that exacerbated everything.  

Today is a new day, new beginnings, and much better than yesterday. Praise the Lord!

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!

Blessings,

Regina