feeling emotional months after surgery

matador3

I had a colectomy done almost 10 weeks ago and although I am feeling better I've started to have this weird emotional feelings. I am a male in my early 40's and in fairly good shape most of my life yet this happened. I was not scared or afraid during the whole process, before and after, my feeling are not of fear of dying but of feeling old and helpless. My wife is 5 years younger and we have a son in 2nd grade, thing's were OK before but now I've developed emotions that at times make me feel like crying.

All of the sudden I start remembering my younger days and all the people that have come across my life, even my first and second love, it's all so weird. I listen to songs and wish I could turn the clock back, even want to look younger now, noticed things about me that I did not paid much attention before like my gray hairs.

I've always been told I am a handsome man but didn't pay much attention to it, now I've started noticing how some ladies at work look and talk to me. There are some young girls too who I can only interpret flirt with me and I must admit it makes me feel young but sad at the same time. Sad because I know I am getting old and young because a much younger girl thinks I am attractive.

I played several sports in HS and remained very active through my 20's and part of my 30's playing in soccer leagues, trained in kickboxing for several years and always been a gym member. Watching the sprinters at the olympics last night were both inspirational but somehow I got emotional again and even felt like crying.  I feel like my life is passing me by and I am standing in the sidelines, I don't know if this is a subconscious side effect of what happened to me but I don't like it, I want to return to normal quick, I try to hide it from my wife and simply tell her that I still feel tired and miss haging out with friends.

Yesterday was my first day back in the gym and I was being very careful but I do miss being there. I am praying this passes soon because I hate feeling like a vulnurable little boy. I am reaching out hoping there is someone out there who has experienced this and can provide some input on how to cope and if it will go away. I don't want to worry my family or parents more than they were weeks ago.

Trubrit

Welcome to a Mid-life Crisis

That is what I would diagnose you with. Just call me Doctor Tru, the know it all. HA! 

When I turned 42, the exact same feelings hit me like a ton of bricks. Well, I didn't ever think anyone found me attractive, but the rest of it sound about right.   

I've no doubt that your Cancer diagnosis also plays a big part of it, but really, I would definitely say its a mid-life thing. 

My perscription. First off, ignore the beauties at the office. Thats a disaster waiting to happen. Yes, you may be attractive, but the only person you need to flirt with is your wife AND I would say yourself, too. Its quite fun to look in the mirror and finally think 'Heck, I'm not that bad after all'. 

And don't be thinking theres not such thing as the mid-life crisis. Old wives tale, and the like. It is totally real for allot of people. Maybe not all (lucky beggars), but some of us get it, and we have to roll with it. 

If you look at stats, it is definitely a time when both men and women are apt to stray from their life partners. Everything seems so old, you, your relationship. So a bit of excitement, well, that sounds great and maybe, for a while, but the while doesn't last, and in the meantime, you've lost something precious, and hurt a whole bunch of people on the way. 

Yeah! I've seen it happen to a couple of dear friends of mine. One, who was hurt beyond belief. 

Anyway, I welcome you here. Don't be ashamed of tears, never hurts to cry some, just not all of the time. 

Don't rule out depression though. Its a serious thing. 

Lets see what our other members have to say. They may not agree with me at all.

TRU

beaumontdave

I think the good doctor is on

I think the good doctor is on the mark, there comes a time when a man or woman realizes they're pretty much who they're going to be, and the bulk of what they're going to do is behind them, even though there's lots of road still ahead of them. I think it hits men harder, because of the ways we measure ourselves and our lives. A cancer diagnosis stops most cold, and forces them to ponder all aspects of their lives, especially that which lays ahead. We resolve to not live in fear and steel our minds, but at the same time, there's a real mental schism that develops. You vow to live better, be better, do more in your daily life, but looking in a mirror, hearing an old favorite song, or just having a great old memory pop in your head, can set off deep emotions. I've had tears in my eyes before I knew why they were there. I call it my melancholy, and it may have been a little harder for me than others, because conciously or otherwise, I not only mourn the passing of who I thought I was, but I mourn the very real loss of my wife and what she was, and what we were together. You write that you are still you, still looking good and doing the same things and it's true, but life has slapped you in the face, and now your more aware of time and mortality, and I don't know if that genie goes back in the bottle. Some folks I think just get busy doing and living in response, which to me seems the best way to cope. I've tried to explore the feelings and glean something from them, but two years after it hit hard, I don't know if I've learned anything useful to tell someone else. In time it should spread out, happen less frequently. I think I'm getting to the point where the memories hurt less, or at least evoke less negative emotions. I'm 58 and looking forward to make new memories to go with othe old ones, but I know I can't measure myself with others or even my younger self, and be at peace, because I'll come up short or feel like I'm wasting time and my life. I guess the best way I know of to counter the unwanted intrusion of emotions is to try and stay in the moment, focus on what I'm doing, and not let memory or thought distract me. I'ts not easy, but it is doable, with practice. I don't know if any of this helps you, but I pulled something in my lower back, and I'm stuck in bed today, and it gave me something to do. Good luck to you...............................................Dave

John23

Early forties.....

Early forties.....

I remember the 1940s. Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington, Jack Benny, Bing Crosby, ahhhh....         oh wait.... You mean -your- 40s....

You are getting old. O.L.D.  Old. You can't go back, and they don't want you back there now, anyway. Trust me.

I'm not what I was when I was 20, and neither is my wife. Pets have come and gone, as well as family. I haven't seen "grandma" in so long, I forgot what a PITA she was.

That's what it's all about old man. Time goes on, with you or without you. Some reach a ripe old age before a same-age friend.... it's weird, ehh?

Cancer, or sickness, or having to wear an ostomy appliance isn't "the problem"; disabled kids get along, fall in love, get married and move along in life just as anyone without any "disability". Assuming of course, that you are conveying a feeling of having a "disability"?

It's not a "loss", it's a change. You are still you, cancer tumors, plastic pouches, or a total lack of energy, beneath it all, it's still old ugly you. You may even look different, but there you are with the same mindset and stubbornness, decent sense of humor, and a heart full of love. Nothing has changed, except for your temporary attitude gaffe.

You'll get over it.

 

Be well.

John

 

Trubrit

beaumontdave said:

I think the good doctor is on

I think the good doctor is on the mark, there comes a time when a man or woman realizes they're pretty much who they're going to be, and the bulk of what they're going to do is behind them, even though there's lots of road still ahead of them. I think it hits men harder, because of the ways we measure ourselves and our lives. A cancer diagnosis stops most cold, and forces them to ponder all aspects of their lives, especially that which lays ahead. We resolve to not live in fear and steel our minds, but at the same time, there's a real mental schism that develops. You vow to live better, be better, do more in your daily life, but looking in a mirror, hearing an old favorite song, or just having a great old memory pop in your head, can set off deep emotions. I've had tears in my eyes before I knew why they were there. I call it my melancholy, and it may have been a little harder for me than others, because conciously or otherwise, I not only mourn the passing of who I thought I was, but I mourn the very real loss of my wife and what she was, and what we were together. You write that you are still you, still looking good and doing the same things and it's true, but life has slapped you in the face, and now your more aware of time and mortality, and I don't know if that genie goes back in the bottle. Some folks I think just get busy doing and living in response, which to me seems the best way to cope. I've tried to explore the feelings and glean something from them, but two years after it hit hard, I don't know if I've learned anything useful to tell someone else. In time it should spread out, happen less frequently. I think I'm getting to the point where the memories hurt less, or at least evoke less negative emotions. I'm 58 and looking forward to make new memories to go with othe old ones, but I know I can't measure myself with others or even my younger self, and be at peace, because I'll come up short or feel like I'm wasting time and my life. I guess the best way I know of to counter the unwanted intrusion of emotions is to try and stay in the moment, focus on what I'm doing, and not let memory or thought distract me. I'ts not easy, but it is doable, with practice. I don't know if any of this helps you, but I pulled something in my lower back, and I'm stuck in bed today, and it gave me something to do. Good luck to you...............................................Dave

Dave!

I can't wait to meet you!

 You are so spot on in your response. You really an inspiration to us all. 

TRU

JanJan63

Being given the diagnosis is

Being given the diagnosis is a lot to take in and brings up all kinds of feelings including some we don't expect. I was depressed on and off for the first few months. It was so frightening and having to look our own possible demise in the face is terribly sobering. Everyone dies eventually, none of us gets out alive, but who really ponders it? Being told you have cancer makes you think about it seriously instead of feeling like it'll never happen. I think that makes what you're feeling pretty normal.

I spend most of my days contect now, three years after my surgery. I'm not a better person, if anything I have an even lower tolerance for some people. I think it's partly not having the patience for some people to waste whatever life I have left and partly lack of empathy for people who think every little thing is a tragedy and want pity for it.

But some days I just want to crawl away in a hole and never come out. Just the other day I was miserable going to work due to a couple of incidents and then was upset all day but managed to keep my game face on and just wanted to get home and cry in my husband's arms. Which I did. I cried off and on all evening but got up the next day and everything had gone back to normal in my head. Sometimes I cry for the old me that I want to be again and know I never will. Annd for how things have changed and not for the better. I owned my own business. It was my dream as long as I can remember. I got to live my dream for 9 months before cancer took it away from me and I had to sell it. I'm really bitter and angry about that. I had a dog daycare. I'm crazy about dogs and always wanted a business involving them. The morning earlier this week when I had the bad day I was heading over to get my blood test done for the CT scan I have coming up, which always makes me upset because it's like having cancer is more in my face at times like that. And as I was heading there I saw one of my favourite daycare dogs being walked by his owner. I'm glad he's happy but it just put me in a miserable mood. Then I wennt to get my blood tested and the first vein they tried wouldn't work so they had to use the other arm. Not a big deal but when you're already down little things like that matter.

Anyway, try not to let the cancer take anything away from you mentally. You're still you, just a little bit different you and you feel that more than anybody else does. You don't need outside sources to remind you that you're just as good as ever.

Jan  

Helen321

Yup went through it, same age

Yup went through it, same age and everything. 3.5 years in (I'm 46) and things are finally tapering off. To say a colectomy was not life changing was denial, you're coming out of that stage into the other 4 stages. 3.5 I teeter between anger and acceptance. Add that the 40s are a time of realizing you are getting old and it's one big cry fest. Your family should encourage your crying and support you through it. Its a rough 5 years to acceptance on so many levels - cancer re overt, new body, natural aging. One big middle age roller coaster ride.

ron50

It keeps getting worse

        The further out you get from cancer means you must be getting older. I am . I was dxed at 48 and I am now 66. At 48 I had cancer but at least most things still worked. I woke up this morning at 6am as usual. I lay there for a while and took stock of my body. My feet, legs and left hand are numb. Neurologists cannot tell me why, because they don't know why they won't treat me. I really occured to me this morning that I am never going to have feeling in my feet legs and hand again. It upset me. I have nephrotic syndrome of the kidneys. Again they cannot tell me why, all I know is that without treatment I lose over seven grams of protein thru my urine a day. Untreated i would soon die from blood clots in the form of embolisms , cerebel thrombrosis , heart attack , you name it. A drug called cyclosporine keeps me alive. They don't have a name for what I have but they know it is auto-immune. Cyclosporine is a transplant grade immuno-suppresant. I take it twice a day. What does that mean. It means that almost any infection can kill me. It also means that I am at the whim of any cancer that was being held in check by my immune system. Doctors don't always make wise decisions. One of the drugs they treated me with was prednisone. It is a crap drug . I was on 75mg a day for over two years. It ravaged my bones and put me into osteo-penia. It ravaged my pancreas and put me into type two diabetes. My lower back has bulging discs, pars fractures and fusions. My nephrologist tells me under no circumstance can I have an operation. He also won't allow me any pain killers because they may be the final staw for my ailing kidneys. I am filling with fluid ,legs and lungs and they don't know why. I regularly go on fluid restrictions and double diuretics. My neph has checked me for heart failure,checked my liver lungs pancreas and kidneys with ultra sound. You guessed it no answers. He put me on 5mg of prednisone for three months to aid pain and also to suppress mild to moderate auto-immune hepatitis. I stopped taking the pred after five weeks as my blood sugars are off the scale and not dropping. I looks like i might have to start insulin instead of the metformin. Vunerable is not a word that I would use to describe the 19 year post cancer me . Totally screwed yes. doomed most likely. I suppose I should be bouyed by the fact that there are others here worse than me,,,Hi John, as much as I appreciate your posts here. I don't whant to be you. I fear that the adjectives that describe your situation would fill a dictionary. And yes most of us could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow but I seriously doubt we would be that lucky....  Nothing that I can think of remains from my pre cancer life with one single exception...Work which just goes to show you that cancer has also made me totally insane. It is actually amazing how much of the body can stop working properly but still keep going. Ron.

John23

ron50 said:

It keeps getting worse

        The further out you get from cancer means you must be getting older. I am . I was dxed at 48 and I am now 66. At 48 I had cancer but at least most things still worked. I woke up this morning at 6am as usual. I lay there for a while and took stock of my body. My feet, legs and left hand are numb. Neurologists cannot tell me why, because they don't know why they won't treat me. I really occured to me this morning that I am never going to have feeling in my feet legs and hand again. It upset me. I have nephrotic syndrome of the kidneys. Again they cannot tell me why, all I know is that without treatment I lose over seven grams of protein thru my urine a day. Untreated i would soon die from blood clots in the form of embolisms , cerebel thrombrosis , heart attack , you name it. A drug called cyclosporine keeps me alive. They don't have a name for what I have but they know it is auto-immune. Cyclosporine is a transplant grade immuno-suppresant. I take it twice a day. What does that mean. It means that almost any infection can kill me. It also means that I am at the whim of any cancer that was being held in check by my immune system. Doctors don't always make wise decisions. One of the drugs they treated me with was prednisone. It is a crap drug . I was on 75mg a day for over two years. It ravaged my bones and put me into osteo-penia. It ravaged my pancreas and put me into type two diabetes. My lower back has bulging discs, pars fractures and fusions. My nephrologist tells me under no circumstance can I have an operation. He also won't allow me any pain killers because they may be the final staw for my ailing kidneys. I am filling with fluid ,legs and lungs and they don't know why. I regularly go on fluid restrictions and double diuretics. My neph has checked me for heart failure,checked my liver lungs pancreas and kidneys with ultra sound. You guessed it no answers. He put me on 5mg of prednisone for three months to aid pain and also to suppress mild to moderate auto-immune hepatitis. I stopped taking the pred after five weeks as my blood sugars are off the scale and not dropping. I looks like i might have to start insulin instead of the metformin. Vunerable is not a word that I would use to describe the 19 year post cancer me . Totally screwed yes. doomed most likely. I suppose I should be bouyed by the fact that there are others here worse than me,,,Hi John, as much as I appreciate your posts here. I don't whant to be you. I fear that the adjectives that describe your situation would fill a dictionary. And yes most of us could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow but I seriously doubt we would be that lucky....  Nothing that I can think of remains from my pre cancer life with one single exception...Work which just goes to show you that cancer has also made me totally insane. It is actually amazing how much of the body can stop working properly but still keep going. Ron.

Groans and pains...

Groans and pains...

Re:
"most of us could go out and get hit by a bus tomorrow but I seriously doubt we would be that lucky.... "

I can't count the amount of times I had wished for that much luck. Nothing ever seems to  improve, not for long, anyway; we don't gain ground with cancer.

Those of us that have been diagnosed with cancer weigh the good days against the bad but usually (regrettably) take it for granted when the good manages to outweigh the bad. As time passes, it seems like bad days are tossed in when we least expect them; eventually our good days seem to get outnumbered by the "not-so-good". (That's about the time I start looking at that bus schedule...... again)

Some people have health problems that are just as bad as cancer; debilitating health problems that can stop one in one's tracks faster than cancer can. But with cancer, we suffer the stigma of a cancer diagnosis. Those around us step back, not knowing what to say, so afraid of insulting us, or making us feel bad. Diabetes, heart failure, addiction, stroke, blood clots, etc., take more lives each year than cancer, but who notices?

Ron, you've been through hell and back. No, I wouldn't want to swap places. But ya'know, after reading about so many other's plights; reading about other's horror stories, makes me realize that no one escapes the cancer side show. None of us manages to walk away from it easily. And it seems that the majority of us have more problems with the side effects of the "treatments" - chemical, radiation, surgery.... than from the cancer itself.

For me, Traditional Chinese Medicine worked well, but the ramifications of poor surgical procedures, and the removal of too much intestine took it's toll. The immune system is built within the digestive tract; without a complete digestive system, the immune system suffers greatly. (I only have 25% of my intestines left).

We all suffer from cancer Ron. One way or the other, we suffer. Cancer changes our lives, biologically, emotionally or both, and never for the better.

There was a thread a few years back with a title regarding "how having cancer helped me" (or something to that effect). It was then, that I realized that some individuals will attempt to explain it away in some sort of effort to rationalize, or excuse themselves for having cancer.

Like we need an "excuse".

haha...... I'll leave that as the high note... !

Be well ya'll

John