My mother died of cancer and I don't know what to do

Elwy

I apologize in advance for any grammatical or spelling mistakes that you may find in this topics, but english is not my native language. You have probably seen this title multiple times before and you think what is so special about this one, and why I am making a big fuss about it. I had to set the stage for you to understand my condition.
By the end of this month, I 'll be 23 years old. I was the only child for my parents which means that I got to have all the possible attention and care I needed while growing up. When I was 7 years old, my dad suddenly died. I do not know what he died from. I was to young to ask or understand. I remember that I cried for a while but I got over since my mother was supporting me with all her might. After my father's death, our standard of living has dropped dramatically. My mother had to borrow in order to pay my school fees. We endured for almost a year, until one of my mother's coworkers came to our house asking to marry her. I liked him once I saw him. He was quite older that she was and he has never married or fathered children despite his relatively old age. My mom wanted this marriage to happen but she asked for my approval anyway. I was 8 years old at this time and not wise by any means, but I think my approval to their marriage was the wisest choice I have ever made. They were too much alike. Both of them were as kind and generous as anybody else. They were helping and supporting everyone they knew even at their own peril. My mom was supporting and helping all their coworkers to the point that everyone of them adores her. Her family too, my family is too diverse, it has both very rich branches as well as very poor ones, people who are university's professors and other people who are illiterate. Yet they all worshiped her. She has always supported them in every possible way. Even strangers like  building's guards, bakers, grocers that we deal with them have liked her as she never left them. She used to make breakfast for the poor people who live in our street who were almost 20 persons everyday so that they save their little money for other tasks. My step-dad was no less. He has the kindest heart I have ever seen. Nonetheless, all these feats were nothing compared to what they offered me.

I was completely different from both of them. I am totally an introvert. I never approach anybody unless they approach me first. I don't speak much and when I do, my words are harsh and not friendly. I can't recall that I had more than 3-4 friends at one time and they are constantly changing which makes them no better than acquaintances. I still live with my parents ( I do not live in a western country, the traditional thing to do in my society is to remain with your parents until marriage). The only thing that was unchanging was my mother. She was always there, listening to me and guiding me in almost every thing. I was not depressed though, I think I had a happy life while it lasts.


In April 2008, I was in home studying for school or playing video games, I don't really remember. My parents came from a doctor appointment with tears on their faces and they told me they found a tumor in her uterus (They have not even used the terms "Cancer" !!) . I have not understood the full scale of what happened but I shared their grief and cried with them. The next day, she had a surgery where both her uterus and ovaries were removed which meant that she lost all hope in birthing another child (Not that she wanted anyway). For months, she had a chemotherapy treatment that made her suffer more than cancer ever did. Her blood reports and x-rays showed that everything was fine, though. She even returned to her job and only went for a regular check-up every 3 months. We thought that it was finally over. Life went back to its course. I entered a prestigious, expensive university because of her support and insistence. We thought ourselves happy again.
In March 2014, it came back. The cancer has returned again and stronger than it ever was. She took different kind of chemotherapy this time which side effects dwarfed the previous one by far. Her hands and feet looked as if they have been flayed, her mouth was sore to the point that even drinking a gulp of water was an agony for her. She had another surgery that the surgeon has told us before doing it that everything is fine but we just have to do it to be sure it will never recur again and he proceeded to remove more organs from her. It turned out that he knew that it would achieve nothing but he did it anyway for his profit. Everything got worse, cancer is getting stronger everyday. Every doctor is trying to convince us that all other doctors are trying to fool and rob us and he has the only valid treatment which costs thousands -not surprisingly- but it is the only right course. We followed all their directions with a hope to hit the right track eventually. Amidst the turmoil, I had a chance to do my bachelor thesis in Germany. I was reluctant at first, but my mother despite all her pain and need convinced me by all her might to travel and look for my future and that she will be fine in my absence. I left her and spent in Germany 6 months. It was the longest period ever that I have spent apart from her. I was calling her everyday and she was assuring me that she is fine and urging me to travel and have fun and to explore things and not to focus only on my studies. When I came back, I learnt that she was getting worse and worse and that she was making a great effort on the phone to make me think that she was fine while she was in fact suffering. She told me that she has feared that she would die before seeing me again. We continued our efforts, The doctors kept on bringing bizzarre expensive treatments and we succumbed to them.

Four months ago, my step-uncle has been diagnosed with an advanced level of lung cancer. He was one of the most energetic and robust men that I have ever seen. My mother tried to support him even as she was getting worse. She got ascites in her lung and stomach and kidney functions were getting destroyed. Meanwhile, I have finally finished my studies in July and she was rejoiced that I finally had a college degree and she was urging me to seek masters degree abroad. She started to get less energetic which she has never been before. She wouldn't let anyone help her in house chores. I don't know how to mop the floor or to cook any thing other than boiling eggs because she would never let me or anyone else to do anything in her house. Last 3 months, she was not able to eat anything without retching it back and she lost almost 30 kgs of her weight. She became too weak and for the first time in my life, I began to look after her not the other way around. Two weeks ago, my step-uncle died. She got worse and worse out of sadness. I knew that I should have mourned him but I couldn't. She was my center of attention. She became unable to go to the toilet even with us supporting her. We admitted her to a hospital where she entered the ICU. She was improving every day there . We were able to see her on 2 seperate hours every day and see her connected to tens of tubes and devices. The 2 hours were the highlight of my days though. She gave us hope even in her condition and we kept urging her to recover and planning on what will she  do with us when we leave the hospital. I think we affected her too much that the hospital told us that she screamed and threatned them that she would snatch all these devices if they won't transfer her to ordinary room. They did. We moved with her and spent the whole day with her. She was fine at first then she became hallucinating. By Wednesday morning, she began calling me things I have never heard from her before. She said "Shame on you, coward" to me multiple times and began calling for her dead parents. She was moved back to the ICU where she seemed to not remember what she had said before and called me "my love" again in almost not audible voice and she told us to leave and relax. We visited her in Thrusday, but she was in coma and completely unaware. In Friday in our first visit she was still in coma but her vital signs were getting worse. In our second visit, when I entered I found her breathing but asleep. I kissed her brow and looked for the screen where I found that her pulse rate were getting slower until it reached zero and she stopped breathing. I yelled at the nurses to come and see her. They showed me out. Fifteen minutes later, they called me in and told me it is over. My mother is dead. The sentence I have dreaded since I was old enough to start dreading has became true. I was shocked when I first heard that remained. People came from everywhere to console me. I found many distant relatives came to me crying and sobbing while I -her only son- remain dry-eyed. I buried her yesterday and spent the whole day consoling people whom I don't know, people who have not met her more that 10 times in her lifetime. It should have been the other way. I don't know if I lost my mind or what. I spent 2 days feeling nothing. I feel pain but it is something trivial like sprained wrist or so. I don't know it that is shock or denial or acceptance, although I have never fancied myself as a strong-willed rational person. When I woke up today to prepare for her funeral, I wondered where my suit is. My first thought was to go her room and ask her where has she placed it.

As I said before, I am almost 23 years old. I have no siblings. I can assume that I have no friends at all since all my current friends are from university and I guess I shall never see them except on coincidences. I have never entered a romantic relationship in my life. I never had a girlfriend. I doubt that I could even if I wanted to. I can't even find solace in religion. I am not a religious person by any means. I think that there is a super power somewhere but I do not buy the whole religion thing (That was the only conflict I had with my mother. She was devout and she wanted to see me pray as she does. We had some feuds over this issue). I don't have a job yet. I have just graduated from  2 months. My graduation ceremony will be on October but I don't have any desire to attend it anyway without her. I have lost the only person that I can speak to freely for hours without worrying about anything I will say. I don't have anything except my aging step-father whom I love dearly but he can't hope to cover 0.1 % of the hole that has been opened in my life. I don't have the will go out and meet people and work and study. When I was in kindergarten, my teacher would stick a star sticker on my forehead when I am good. When I go home, I rush to my mother and show it to her. In my senior year at college, I got an A in my thesis. I rushed to my mother and told her all the same. It has  always been the same. All I have ever done was just for these moments when I see approval and pride in her eyes. Now I wonder why would I ever try to do anything. Even if I scceeded and became the best man who ever drew breath. What would I gain if I don't have someone to get those looks from. I have lost all the passion to continue. I don't know why I am spilling all my heart contents to complete strangers on the internet and how I was able to write such lengthy topic ?. I believe I had to let go of my emotions, otherwise I would explode.
Sorry for boring you.   

Noellesmom

First of all

You've had a traumatic loss. A lot of people go in shock and believe they are devoid of emotion. It is there. Sometimes it just takes awhile for it to show. Be patient with yourself and everyone else. Everyone grieves at their own pace.

I'm not a psychologist but I believe you find it difficult to make close friends because there is a risk involved. After all, your father virtually disappeared: why wouldn't friends?

Prayer and religion. Give it a try. Talk to God. It doesn't have to be anything profound or earth-shaking. Maybe just thank God for being there for your mom.

Breathe. This is tough. No matter your age or life experience, losing your mom is hard. It just is.

Finally, from one mother to a son, congratulations on your degree! And just like your own mom, I encourage you to pursue graduate studies.

It sounds as though your mother was a loving, giving person. I am confidant her son is the same.

JerzyGrrl

So sorry to hear

Dear Elwy, 

So sorry to hear of your mother's death. From what you wrote, she was an amazing person (and no, you weren't boring, not at all). 

What you are going through is not unusual, especially in the early time of grief and loss. You've lost the presence of an amazing, loving woman who loved others, who was your mother. Our moms are special because they've always been there, of course we can't imagine life without them. 

Your mother's physical presence is gone, but the impact of her life on others was striking to me - people who had only known her briefly being filled with grief shows how kind she was to them. That it even occurred to you to try to offer them comfort (which seems ironic, until you consider your mother's character) actually shows how much of your mother lives within you. 

You can still tell your mother about your day, your hopes, your dreams. Some people find they can talk to their loved ones best by going home and closing the door, by going to a quiet place in a park, by going to the cemetery, or by writing in a journal. 

Likewise, the spirit of love and goodness is never destroyed. Once someone has been touched by love and goodness, they are changed and are better able to reach out to others (even introverts can find ways to reach out kindness to others). 

If your mother were able to give you advice right now, I think she would tell you to be very gentle with yourself and to give yourself time. I think she would also tell you that you are loving, loveable, capable, and wise. And that she has wished for and prayed for peace and joy for you. 

You will get through this most difficult part of your life's journey. Keep us posted. 

butterflynomoreabutterfly

AM SORRY  FOR UR BIG LOSS. My

AM SORRY  FOR UR BIG LOSS. My life is similar to urs.

 

My mother died of breast cancer this feb.We recogonised that she had this only after it had reached stage 4 the advanced stage. 2 sister and me couldnot do anything about thta.We never took her to the hospital when it was early.We never knew something like that could come all of a sudden to her..She under went chemo for several months and died not recogonising any of us.The hospitals here said they couldnot do anyting yet kept treatring her.She was the only love of my life.She was the only one genuine person who loved me without any expectation.She was the only one who cared.I have my bih shot life turining exams in my masters this nov.Yet all i can do whole day is think about her and regret all the moments that i leftenjoyinmg with her.I always went out and never bothered to talk to her.And she wouldnmt disturb me and cook watever i tink without even having me say wat i want.

Like u i never cried at that time,.I am the youngest and i kept consoling all.But now i cry myself to sleep.I was an a very true follower of god.I kept visting temples everyday and prayed for herr ecovery yet she had a horrible horrible death.Her only  wish and will was to make sure we 3 were happy that the sacrificied her own life for it.

NOW I DONT VISIT TEMPLES , I DONT MAKE EFFORTS TO IMPRESS ANYBODY OR MAKE ANY EFFORTS TO BECOME FRIENS.I DONT DRESS UP WEELL.BCUZ  ALL THESE DAYS WEN SHE WAS ALIVE I WAS DOING THOSE THINGS AND FORGOT THAT PERSON WHO MADE MY LIFE A HEAVENLove you ma and sorry for being such a waste daughter

Life has to go on watsover bt i have lost the will and joy to live.

Just lik you.

another sufferer.