Opinons please. relationship problem with mom

janaes

Sorry this is so long. What do you guys think of this.  My mom has been taking care of me for the most part since my diagnosos of cancer back in may.  Others have done things to  especially at the begining.  One of my sisters was a huge help when i fisrt found out.  She went to my initial doctors appointment and helped me call every one bought me and my kids pizza that night so i didnt have that on my plate.  Every one in my family helped while i was in the hospital with my kids.  They all came to visit me in the hospital.  One stayed with me one of the whole days. 

My point here is to say that my mom and I are having a hard time at times.  We get in these angry epasodes.  More than once. I feel she just doesnt listen to me and what i need at times and when she does hear me sometimes she cant do the things for me (or at leat she thinks she cant).  Dont get me me wrong here.  She does alot for me a whole lot sometimes.  Last sunday we had one of our angry episodes.  Friday, two days before she called and I was feeling down.  It was a few days after my chemo treatment and was feeling discouraged about going to work.  So she came over and i decided to go stay with her for the weekend.  I was so greatful she called. Things were okay but not perfect until sunday in her car when she took me home. I didnt want to drive.  The epesodes seem to be about me getting what I need. She doesnt understand me.  She told me she thinks that i want her  to treat me like im the only one in the universe. I cant remember how she said it but it felt rude to me and untrue.  There has been many times when i told her to go and do things for herself.  In fact friday i wanted to call her before she called me and didnt because i had a feeling she was doing something she often does on fridays. I wanted her to have that time.  Any ways it bothers me and even hurts when she thinks and complaines that i want special treatment.  The thing is sometimes i feel she wants me to give her special treament as the caregiver. She wants me to excuse her weeknesses if that makes sence.  My mom forgets things sometimes.  Dont we all.  I do.  So she wants me to be the one to help her remember. 

We have been talking on the phone the last week and i have been okay with that.  It took a few days but things were okay this week.  I could have went to her house this weekend again but decided not to. Instead i invited her to go shoping with me.  Not because i have cancer and need her help, just because it would be fun.  She told me not tonight but tomarrow (which is today).  She told me she would call by noon to decide and then she said if i forget to call you call me.  She asked me if i would  call I said maybe.  I figure if she really wants to go she will remember to call.  I can do this stuff by my self.  I really want her to want to go.  I want it to be her choice though.  I guess after all her complaining i especially want it to be her choice.  She didnt like it when i said maybe. She wanted me to call.  I think she does remember things and i do think she can remember if she wants to. Sometimes she just wants to do other things and just says yes because she has a hard time saying no.

brissance

You Love Each Other

Keep in mind how much you both love the other.  Yes, yes you will have differences, that is to be expected.  I can feel her part as a mother of an adult daughter.  I still feel I really know what is best for her.  I have to force myself to back off and let an adult lead her life but normally only AFTER we have had a great long sit down and a discussion.  She understands I will have an opinion, but she will not necessarily accept or embrace my opinion.  Bottom line it comes from communication and establishment that both of you are acting out of love.  My daugher has come home to stay with me through my chemo.  We have battles...  she has assumed the role of care giver and it irritates me that she assert herself into my life as a mom (taking away my hash browns and feeding me healthy, how dare she!) And we sat down and talked.  We still have highs and lows but we agree to talk it out.  We agree that we love and need each other.  Consider in a calm and comfortable place thanking your mom for all she does and then opening up a discussion on how you can make your relationship more happy for both of you   Just a suggestion. You can always sabotage your relationship with looking for blame.  Who did what to whom.  Forget it.  Just enjoy the love and enjoy you still have a mom to love you and she has a daughter to love her.  Good luck

janaes

Ya know it worked out today.

Ya know it worked out today. really well acually.  Im still not sure how to get rid of the angy episodes like we have, but today worked good.  My mom did end up calling me.  Im so glad she remembered.  I need to thank her for that.  We went to the store and I got what I needed.  The interesting thing was that i ussually go in her car when we go places. We went to leave and her cer wouldnt start, so we went in mine.  The thing i was getting at the srore for me was jumper cables because about two weeks or so ago my lights got left on in my car and i was stuck and had to have my sister come give me a jump start.  So we decided that maybe my mom just needed a jumpstart and we both felt very glad that our plan was to get jumpercables.  We got home and a guy helped us and I gave my moms car a jumpstart.   It worked. It was a very good bonding moment.  At least for now im glad those angry times dont last for long.

Kvdyson

Mothers and daughters

Janae, I too had a lot of anger towards my mother that was never resolved before she passed away in 2013. It has taken time but since then I have forgiven her and forgiven myself for being angry at her. I guess I wanted her to be perfect and she wasn't. I learned that the hard way when I became the mother of an adult daughter and now have to re-live that anger from the other side. Mothers and adult daughters have a unique relationship that can be very tough to navigate sometimes. I'm glad to hear that everything worked out between the two of you. Don't wait to let her how much you lover her and appreciate her - imperfections and all. Kim

janaes

After reading you wonderful

After reading you wonderful womens replies to my post it reminded me of something i told my kids last week.  I havent said anything to any one else.  My last chemo treatment marked my half way mark.  At first when my dad mentioned it to me i wasnt too excited.  It seemed so far away still. After a little bit of time ( i cant remember how many days)  I told my daughter that we are going to have a party or go out to dinner when all these treatments are over to celabrate and say thankyou to every one including you.  Its hard for me to look that far in advance but at the time i said it, i could at least feel hope enough to think that far ahead.  I think it got my kids a little less discouraged about things and gave them a little hope.