Dad starting hospice need advice!

flipflopping

My dad has been dealing with stage 4 lung cancer that caused a brain tumo. It was removed in June 2015. Also he has a tumor on his kidney and lymphoma. He was diagnoised in May of 2015. Now after 3 rounds of radiation, 2 rounds of chemo and he starting  taking optivo. The new cancer treatment. He has had 4 treatments. No big change. Two days ago he was admitted to our local hospital for pnuemonia. The cancer doctors have not told us that my dad is near the end nor that there is nothing else they can do. But the doctor at our local hospital told us that my dad was at the end and he would not be able to pull thru this. He said his blood work was awful and couldnt believe he wasnt already on hospice. We were in shock. It wasnt what we expected to hear. We knew he was really sick but thought there was a small hope of regaining some strength back. He isnt able to walk or stand without us. He has a diaper and a feeding tube. So we came home and talked to the cancer doctor. He said if he wanted to rest for a while and go on hospice and  if he could get to feeling better that he could come back and continue his treatments later! We were so confused. We know he is so tired. His body is so worn down. He has lost so much weight. So we let him decide what he wanted. He decided on Hospice. Now to why I need help. Since Yesterday afternoon when he was brought home from the hospital he has quit talking. He wont look at my mom at all. I have to ask him several times to answer me. He is confused about things and will say things that dont make sense.  He started this when he was told that he didnt have much longer to live. Is he grieving? Does it bother him to talk to us knowing he is about to die? I know its alot on him to hear this but I cant understand why he has shut us out, especially my mom. She is so upset and feels like she has failed him. I cant stand to see this. I cry everytime she is trying to talk to him. Please help me understand what is going on. Thanks!!!! I hope this makes sence and I didnt ramble!

cheatinlil

I'm so sorry you are going

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I really can't give you much input because I have no experience with this but I didn't want to leave you with no response.  The only thing i can think is that maybe it is a side effect of medicine he is on.  Definately ask the Dr or the hospice rep for input they will know what is going on.  I did read somewhere that at the end of someones life, people want to visit them and they just don't feel up for it.  That could be it.  He may have nothing to give as far as just breathing takes all of his stregnth.  I'm really sorry.  Big cybe Hug and prayers coming your way

Ladylacy

Your father

I am so sorry to hear about your father.  I will say talk to his hospice nurse.  My husband was on hospice for almost two years before he died.  He did well until the last 2 weeks and really starting going downhill.  He couldn't communicate due to the fact that his cancer started as laryngeal cancer and they had to remove his voice box but he did have a device to help him talk.  But then he got too weak to really use it and couldn't seem to write any more.  He was always on a feeding tube and it got to where he could only take 1 can a day due to nausea.  His nurse kept telling me out of his hearing that his days were numbered and it could be any time.  Hospice was a great help to me and our nurses were excellent with him and me.  It is hard but your mother shouldn't take it as him being mad at her.  He was the one, just like my husband, to chose hospice.  My husband was alway in-home hospice and we had weekly visits and at the last twice weekly and could have had round the clock nursing but I really, and neither did he, wanted so many strangers in and out of my home.  Two of our 4 sons and their wives were with me when he passed.  One was on the way and the other was out of town working because we told him to go even though we knew his time was very close.  It got hard at the end and I would get mad but I always told him I loved him and I was not mad at him but at the situation.  He understood.  We had been together since I was 17 and he passed one month before our 53rd wedding anniversary.  It will be a year next month and I can't believe how fast the time has passed. 

Tell your mother it is hard but she has to take care of herself and you too have to take care of yourself.   Your hospice nurse should be helping also by explaining things to you and your mother outside of your father's hearing.  Hospice was always there when I needed them and they provided everything that was needed.  And it is true that once you go on hospice, if your condition improves, you can be discharged from hospice.  In-patient hospice, I was told was only for those that had no one to care for them and it was only offered to us the last 2 weeks of my husband's life, but I declined and said no he would stay at home because it was what he wanted. 

Wishing your family peace and comfort  --  Sharon

JOinMO

It could be several issues....

It could be he's closing himself off to come to terms with his mortality, or to try to protect all of you, or it may be his meds, or he may have another brain tumor....  While it hurts, I encourage you to continue to be supportive, continue to talk to him, and take care of each other.

Sending cyber hugs to you.