Latent fears

chcnsac

I'm an RN, have been thru SN Bx, bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction underway. (expanders being filled)  When I first heard my dx., treatment plan, it was all surreal, but in my "nursing trained" mind, I was "handling" everything well.  I had always felt that is I ever diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I would go for bilateral mastectomy.  I didn't need "the girls" to define me.....I wanted to live. I jokingly say to myself and a choice few others, that although I am almost 60, I have the mind of a 12 yr. old and I want "boobs" or as I heard recently "foobs". 

I was dx, with Triple pos, grade 3 IDC, stage 2. Negative for nodes.Treatment with 6 cycles of Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin and Perjeta, chemo tx plan to shrink tumor so that there would be clear margins. My breast surgeon was encouraging and said that with current "studies" that I would do just as well with a lumpectomy as with mastectomy. So I initially decided to lean towards lumpectomy.  I had time during my chemo treatments to make that decision. I feel very fortunate to live in a very big medical community. When I started with the Perjeta, I didn't realize that it was a "study trial" of sorts. Understanding now that even with my limited knowledge of  breast cancer, being "hit" with the diagnosis of cancer, my mind was reeling.  Nurse training made me want to look at data, since that gave me something to hold on to.

Now that I have undergone the surgeries, a slight hiccup with one incision opening up ,and with only the exchanges to be done after the "fill" is complete.....I am just starting to feel anger, and more fear that the cancer will rear it's ugly head at a later time.  We have a daughter who suffered a TBI from an auto accident at the age of 19 (she's now 34), that is cared for in our home. It is what it is , but it's our reality. Our other two daughters have gotten married and from those marriages we now enjoy 7 grandchildren ( and I mean JOY). They have all been very supportive.  Our church  and friends are very supportive.

I sometimes feel like I have the big "C" appliqued on my clothing, or maybe on my forehead.  People don't know what to say, when I see them out in public. I try to present an upbeat and positive attitude and I think I've been successful so far in trying to trust that it doesn't reccur anywhere else. I try to use my nurse teaching to educate (on my FB page that one of my daughters had set up for me).

Have any of you experienced the latent fears of recurrance?  I've been told by my surgical oncologist that everything is good. I was told that if I had a mastectomy that the only thing that I would not have to do is have radiation. I chose bilateral because I never wanted to revisit breast cancer again, expecially with having to care for our adult daughter at home. (She has a caregiver 5 days a week).

I still have Herceptin infusions every 3 weeks until the end of Sept. and have been put on a pill (Arimidex) for 10 years.  I go every 3 weeks for a fill of my expanders. My plastic surgeon is very kind, humble and well respected in our medical community. I trust him completely with regard to the reconstruction part.

The more I read, the more uncertain I feel regarding recurrance. I will see my oncologist in two weeks. I guess I need to ask more questions. Why am I still having to have the remaining Herceptin treatments, if the cancer is gone?  Why will I still have to be on Arimidex for 10 years?  

Sorry this is so lengthy, would appreciate thoughtful responses.

button2

The fear eases over time

I think anybody who says they aren't afraid of recurrence is lying! I went through the same thing as you (Triple pos: surgery, mastectomy, rads, chemo before and after surgery, Herceptin). The trick is getting your fear under control and I think that takes time. I remember the anger phase very well. I would get angry when I saw overweight women smoking and thinking "Why me? I'm a health conscious runner!" After a while, you realize you did nothing "wrong" and that bad things happen to good people. Now I am a very happy person, MUCH happier than before cancer. I used to delay things and miss opportunities. Now if I get a chance to see a friend, go to a concert, run in a race etc. I jump at the chance. I'm 50 years old and would love to have another 30 years on this earth, but who knows!? As I see it, whether I have 30 years or even 3, I'm going to enjoy myself. I could spend my time fretting about getting sick again, but how would that help me? I prefer to exercise and cook healthy meals, anything positive. Usually something unexpected happens in life anyway, so why dream up scary scenarios? About your medication, as I understand it, Herceptin attacks any rogue cells that may remain and makes your body kind of immune to HER cancer. The hormone treatments starve off the estrogen needed by our type of cancer to grow. I'm very happy to take my pill every day and thank god that someone invented such a great medicine. But you probably know more about that being a nurse. Anyway, best of luck to you. You sound like to have a great support network! Hugs, Anna

peony

Latent fears

I'm taking Arimidex as well, for 5 years. It's an estrogen blocker needed because bc feeds on estrogen. I've had fears of the bc doing a crazy mets and showing up in every vital organ, but my mantra throughout has been "it's going to be alright". So whatever comes, it's going to be alright. I'll deal with it a day at a time just like I've done so far. I have a sister who is a 20 year bc survivor with no recurrences. It can happen.    Best wishes!