Please help me help him..

missjillian

Hi all,

My boyfriend has Fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma, which he was diagnosed with about a week before we officially started dating (after he'd chased me for about a year).. So, I had to decide, knowing how hard this was going to be, if I should get myself involved in this or not. He's so worth it, so obviously, I chose yes.

 

I'm having a lot of trouble though, mostly with trying to keep my feelings at bay as he's going through this as every day it seems more and more like he's trying to push me away. To top it off, he lives in Boston and I live in Tulsa and we only get to see each other every couple of months. At first, he was very open with me about what he was going through, about the experiemental treatments he was in, and was still very loving towards me.

 

Recently, he's become more closed off, doesn't talk to me about much, and i'm left with google tabs such as, "How to help your boyfriend through cancer", "Fibrolamellar hepatocellular carcinoma", "handling a long distance relationship" and "making yourself care less" 99% of the time.

 

My boyfriend is very independent. He's the CEO of his company, a father, and jokes that he's a demi God and I don't think he really ever though that something like this could happen to him. Prior to this, he's been the most understanding, loving, caring, intelligent man i've ever known. I don't want to lose him, I want to do this right. I should also add, that it's very much a roller coaster. Usually it's about a 3 day stint either way, he'll wake up and be his old self that i adore so much and it'll last about 3-5 days, and then he'll wake up and be closed off and incomplacent for a week.

 

My biggest thing is this: All I care about is helping him. I can handle myself, and that's fine.. But Whether that means standing back and letting him do his thing, pushing him to let me back in, jumping on a plane when he has a treatment, staying still in tulsa... I don't know. I don't know what helps. 

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? They'd be very appreciated.

 

Thanks,

Jillian

 

Noellesmom

First of all

I have never really understood how long distance relationships work so I can't comment on that aspect.

People who are seriously ill often employ the push me-pull you line of thought.  They have so much going on that involving someone else is just one more thing they have to figure out how to handle.

You'll have to wait on him and his decisions.  Listen to what he says, ask how you can help and honor what he says.

I can't imagine how difficult this is.

GingerMay

So it's not about us

You are expressing something similar to what I am going through.  I'm impressed that even though your relationship is in the early stages, you are offering such strong support for your boyfriend.  I am sure he appreciates you hugely right now, even though it might not seem like it.  My husband of 10 years was recently diagnosed, and he has been pushing me away.  It's to the point where I stopped asking questions.  Above all, I want to give him the support he needs and not put demands on him to "let me in" and then I'd just be one more thing he has to manage right now.    

I think the first response was good to just wait on his decisions and honor what he tells you he needs.  Also know that he might not verbalize what he needs, and you may need to use your own instincts on what seems right for him.