Rock Bottom Today

MAliceR

Surgery. 3 weeks ago today.  

I wish I could say I am back 100% and life could be back to normal. Whatever normal might be. But not so much. I still fatique easily. If I do too much there is a level of pain that reminds me I have over done it. I still have restrictions.  Food is a trial and error effort. More often error rather than success it seems. I am bored out of my mind and with bordom comes head places it is healthier not to go to.  

I know I am blessed to be here. To have had a hopefully successful surgery option. According to my surgeon, I do surgery well. I guess we all have to be good at something. Right? My head is just in a darker place today dealing with it all. I am grieving for my best friend who passed away a few days before my surgery. I am grieving for my loss of hope. 3 tines through this. I am finding it hard to bounce back. Everyone around me is joyful for my good prognosis and is ready to move on. I am not there emotionally. Not even close.  When I try and say I am not there yet, the responses I get make it clear they just don't get it. So yeah, sorry I know I am whining. Just one of those days I guess. Thanks for listening.

Trubrit

Take your time

I don't think there is any time limit on 'bouncing back' from surgery, be it physical or emotional. Don't over do it. Try to find something to combat that boredom, but don't overdo it. I know, I'm preaching to the choir. After three srugeries, you know what you can or can't do. 

I Hope you are able to bring your head back into the right frame of mind. It is normal though, to feel a sense of weariness after three reucurrances. I can't tell you how to feel, it must be so hard. 

Take your time to recover but don't let this take your down completely. 

Sue 

JanJan63

What you're feeling is normal

What you're feeling is normal. People seem to expect that if you're dong better physically then you must be just fine emotionally. My husband has been so supportive throughout my health issue but it's one thing we did fight about. I'd complain about my situation whether it was being sick and tired of worrying or being weak or whatever and he'd respond with 'at leats you're alive'. One day I lost it. He said it one time too many and I tore a strip off of him. I was sick of having to feel that way. Grateful to be alive. Of course I'm grateful to be alive but does that mean that I have to accept my new normal? Does that mean that I can't wish I felt stronger or had no pain or didn't have to worry about the future for as long as I have one? I should just be happy with what I have?

So I think I'm getting what you're saying. You're not whining, you're just telling it like it is, that's how you feel.

Jan 

vtspa6

You have been thru a lot of

You have been thru a lot of awful stuff.  Try not to worry too much on what others think you should feel.  I believe you will come around to 'somewhat normal' state of mind.  Time heals.  When my husband complains of his illness & side effects from chemo I get upset at times only because I think he is looking for answers and usually I don't have any to give him.  "Hang in there" might be getting old but sometimes that is all there is.

Helen321

I'm 3 years out of surgery

I'm 3 years out of surgery and just not the person I used to be.  I don't think we get to think that way ever again.  I don't have the super strength I used to have.  I used to have incredible stamina.  People are clueless!  Absolutely, 100% clueless.  Just keep doing your best, I hope time moves forward quickly so that you can heal and get out into the sun and enjoy the summer a little.  Time on the couch can be quite depressing.  I was on the couch for 3 months and by the end of the second month I was mentally distressed and crying.  It seems to come with the territory. 

beaumontdave

There's the life you were

There's the life you were aiming for, and there's the life you wound up with. I find myself, at times, mourning what was lost and what won't be, because of those losses. Almost 20 months out from the third surgery and I have days where I can celebrate the NEDness, and days where I wonder, if IT pops up again, will I have enough left for that fight. It's all self-pity to me, and I hate that it's there in the mix, but it's there. Do hang in, and feel better when you're ready, Alice...................................Dave

Phil64

I know that that seven

I know that that seven surgeries and fifty three chemo treatments and countless ct scans, mri scans, pet scans, colonoscopies, blood draws...  Yes it has taken a toll on me. I'm definitely not as physically capable as I one was. 

I was catching pitches from my 16 year old son and i moved the mit up to catch a high fastball. i didn't get the mitt up quick enough and it brushed off my mitt and hit me in the head...  He was quick to come and see if I was okay. And he said that I probably was getting too old to catch. I sadly said 52 is not too old but 53 chemo treatments may mean I need to wear the mask when I catch. 

The constant neuropathy in my feet is another story. And reading the "make the healthy choice" signs by the elevator at my work as I wait for the slow lift to come get me is a prompt to reflect on my condition as well...

But I hope, no matter how rough it gets for me, that I will always remember to count my blessings...  I hope I will ignore the challenge and instead focus on the prize...  Being with my family... Sharing laughter with my brothers and sisters...  Planning a third wedding in 15 months... Learning something new at work... Going to church... Listening to soul moving music... Hugging my friends... Walking my dogs... Going to a beautiful musical... 

Besides, isn't aging a similar process?  As we age we slowly lose abilites. And we could easily focus on the losing or we could choose to focus on the positive. I just hope I will remember to "smell the roses." Even if I find myself in pain. In spite of the pain.

Wishing you all a wonderful and blessed day.

Philip