Surviving caregivers?

jen2012

I know there are other places better suited for this question maybe, but I know and am comfortable with the folks here. 

It's been about 5 1/2 weeks since my husband died.  I just don't want to be with people, besides my kids and I'm ok with their friends.  And maybe one on one with a select friend, or my sister. I find I just don't have the patience with people.  I'm getting pressure from some friends - well not really pressure, but insistent offers.  Also my father-in-law is getting angry because I'm not here for him to visit - I'm busy with 3 kids.... and all he does is complain about his aches and pains.   I know I need to be patient, but it drives me crazy and I can't tolerate it right now.

I've avoided most people - one neighbor caught us out walking in the dark the other night and stopped us...then proceeded to tell me how difficult it is for her now that her husband retired and is home too much.  Really lady?!     And that is why it's easier for me to just hide...

I also have had anxiety over the thought of going back to our Church.  Where people have been so good to us, but I can't stand the thought of walking in and having the looks of pity slam me in the face.

I've heard from other people who have lost a spouse, that they preferred to be with people.   

Just wondering how others felt and handled well meaning want to be visitors?

JanJan63

My brother died from cancer

My brother died from cancer on Easter Sunday of 2015. So my sister-in-law has been going through much of what you are going through. Feelings that she didn't expect or anticipate, not wanting to interact with people, having to listen to platitude like "he's better off" and all the other crap that comes with losing a loved one. For a whils eh got heavily involved in their church and spent a lot of extra time there doing things to take her mind off of her grief. Eventually that became a burden and it wasn't what she needed. She's found that her needs have changed over the past year and what was food for her at the beginning isn't necessarily so now. She had misguided people who were offended by her response to some things like her work having a cancer fund raising event and some people being angry that she didn't jump into it wholeheartedly.

She's spent a lot of time going to a grief counsellor and reading books about how to deal with grief and finally started to accept that we wll grieve differently and whatever she needs to do is what she needs and that's that. As long as it isn't overtly hurtful to anyone else it's okay. There will always be people who judge and think they know what you should or shouldn't be doing but they are not in your shoes and it is not their place to judge or make decisions for you. Anyone who matters or cares will understand. Those who are negative or not helpful or even cruel are best avoided.

Do whatever you need to get yourself and your family through this. If anyone doesn't like it they can go you know what themselves. They are not living your life and if they are not supportive they are not worth your time or concern. It's a good time to weed out people in your life who shouldn't be there.

 Hugs to you. I cannot imagine what you're going through. I've lost loved ones and the hardest was my mom because we were so close and she was actually living with me at the time because me dad had passed away two years before so it was a life change as well as losing my mom, similar to what you're going through. I was absolutely gutted by it. I never thought I'd make it through.

Take care of yourself first so you can be there for your children.

Jan

Jan

beaumontdave

I was going to start a thread on this very thing today.

Two weeks ago was the anniversary of my wife's death, April 30, and I was pondering where I am in the grieving "process". I know that I'm by turns, morose, angry, tired, then hopefull. I know family and friends care and want me to get out and join them, but like you, I don't want to deal with groups, or even individuals who want to lift me back up to normal, whatever that was. My pop died in January at 89, and I felt oddly suited to deal with that painful time, it's my new normal, going forward that I'm struggling with. Like you, I have little patience with those who complain about the little things, as though it's common ground with what we've been through. As Jan notes, this is a good point for deciding who you want in your life, and how much, and where you want to go with your life now. I have to take care of something, so I'll post this and come back to it. This is the only place where I'll let these feelings surface, or these thoughts.

wolfen

Jen

Losing our spouse turns our whole world upside down. Half the time we think that we are crazy and the other half, we know that we are. Believe me, this is acceptable. There will be many times that well meaning others say absolutely the wrong things. They just cannot "get it", never having experienced what we have.

There are many facets and feelings to grief. I have been through them all, twice as you know. Grief does not go away. Lke Cancer, it has no expiration date. It is important to remember that this YOUR grief  and no one has the right to tell you how or when to move forward. Like Jan and Dave have said, the decisions are yours.

Having said this, I would like to invite you, Dave ,and anyone else  who wishes to browse and join(if you wish) another forum I chose after Ron died. It is called Grief Healing Discussion Groups and was originally sponsored by Hospice Of The Valley until Hospice cut back on funding. Fortunately, the moderator has kept the group alive on her own. It is much more active that the section for Grief that we have here. It is comprised of different sections for different types of losses(spouse, child, etc.) It is also comprised of caring people as we are here, who truly "get" what you are going through. You will probably see that so many are experiencing the same feelings that you are. and it helps to fend off the "alone".

My heart goes out to each of you as we try to adjust to our "new normal".

As always, you can PM me for "Motherly advice" or just an "ear" if you need one.

Luv,

Wolfen

 

annalexandria

As you know, Jen,

I've lost my sister and my BIL.  In both cases, I wanted to everyone to just STFU.  Really, I could not handle interacting with people who were "civilians".  There was nothing worse than going to events at the kids' school...everyone seeming so happy and clueless.  I couldn't even listen to the dang radio!

But it did get better, eventually.  I think this is a normal part of the grieving process, and that letting yourself go through it, not pushing yourself to be in a place you aren't yet ready for, is important and can't be skipped.  If either people don't get it, well...too bad.  You have to focus on what you need and what the kids need. Nothing more.

LindaK.

Been there...

Hi Jen, I can relate to your feelings.  My husband passed away about 18 months ago. I had to return to work full time 10 days after he died.  It actually turned out to be a great thing for me to be around people and act like everything was fine.  I work with a great group of people and only once did I hear some stupid remark of a woman complaining about her husband's SS $.  I looked her in the eyes and said "At least you have a husband" and walked away.  She is a good friend and I really don't think she or others realize what they are saying.  How could they know what it is like?  I have reduced my group of friends I trust to just a few.  I had a best friend who has totally disappeared since my husband died.  Her kids called me "Aunt" and I was in the delivery room with her 20 years ago with her when her youngest was born.  My husband was fun, funny, crazy at times, the life of the party, etc.  I guess she realized the party was over and had never reached out to me during his illness nor after.  She showed up at my house a day or two after he died and my sister almost turned her away at the door.  I realized our friendship was one-sided, where I was always the friend and she just didn't and doesn't know how to be a friend.  She is no longer in my life.

I went to a bereavement group sponsored by the Hospice facility my husband was in.  I went very early, only a few weeks after he passed.  I found it very helpful because it was a group of 5 women. I found we could all laugh and cry together, it felt good to talk to other women in the exact situation I was in.  About 9 months in I started seeing a therapist one on one because I found I had a lot of unresolved anger at that point in my grieving.  Anger at several people, including my husband.  The therapist I saw was fantastic.  He helped me immediately and I was able to work past a lot of things.  Telling a stranger your deepest darkest secrets is somehow healing.  At least for me it was.  I saw him for about 8 months and at my last visit he told me I didn't need to come back but I was always welcome to.  I felt so proud of myself working through all those issues.  I have pretty much given up the group because the dynamics have changed and I feel I have outgrown them too.  Maybe you can try a bereavement group if you have one locally or a therapist or both.  The therapist I saw also does family therapy.  Maybe you could find someone like that to help your children too.  Don't worry about what family  members think or want. Too bad for them, you need to do what's best for you and your children right now and maybe forever.

I feel lucky now to have about 5 friends I could call at any time of day or night and also 3 sisters and 4 adult nieces who check up on me every few days. I'm kind of a loner and some people felt that wasn't good at the beginning.  I needed to do things on my schedule.  Just touching his things can break me down.  I used to cry every night in bed but now I haven't done that in a few months.  I got a cat who is almost 1.  I swear he is channeling my husband because they have some very similiar personality traits.  I get a  kick out of that.  He's good company for me and cracks me up every day.  I never had a pet my whole life because my brother had bad allergies and so did my husband. 

If you don't want to go back to your church, give it some time and assess it in a few months.  Don't be afraid to tell people no or say you're just not feeling good about it.  One day you will want to do things and then you can call one of your inner circle friends to go shopping or lunch.  Baby steps.  Grief is hard and you're allowed to do it your own way.  Try to get rid of any guilt you are feeling.  It gives you more power and strength.  Part of my therapy with unresolved anger was writing letters, 3 sets of them a week or two apart.  Then I ripped up the letters and burned them.  It is the "letting go" part of my journey I needed.  No one knows what we're going through until you're in it yourself. 

Linda

Lovekitties

Grieving

The grieving process is complicated and more so when you have given months or years of your life helping a loved one try everything to survive.

Here are some things to consider:

Like cancer, most people don't want to talk about or acknowledge grieving by another.  It is easier for the average person to talk about what is going on in their own life...hence the comments about retirement, etc.  Don't take these comments personally, because I am sure they don't mean to be insensitive to your pain.  Just the fact that they have a spouse and you no longer do, makes any of these comments feel like a barb, when there was no such intent.

Just the fact that you used to be part of a couple, and are now a single, makes you less part of your old group of friends and aquaintences.  Being around couples can make you feel all the more alone, particularly in large group situations as church.  If you have a close relationship with your pastor/minister/priest, you might ask for some "talk" time about your feelings.

Pity is defined as sympathetic or kindly sorrow evoked by the suffering, distress, or misfortune of another.  Those who care about you will feel it and likely show it.  Perhaps taking it in smaller doses would help...a small church event or get together.  You could use that as the time to let folks know that you appreciate their concern.  Even in the distant future when you tell a new aquaintence that you are a widow, you may hear "I am sorry for your loss".

There is no set time for you to re-enter the rest of the world.  If you have a few select persons you feel comfortable with, use them to speak for you to others.  Sharing that you are doing as well as can be expected, and are not ready to re-join your previous activities may help.  Most folks express concern about those greiving when they don't know how you are dealing with it.  Being reassured by your close friends may help.

Your father-in-law situation doesn't sound new, it is just that you are running low on compassion for others in your own time of grief, which is normal.  The only thing you can do is respond to his complaints kindly letting him know that you are still dealing with your loss and haven't the ability to deal with his issues.  It probably won't change him, but you are entitled to your own feelings and time.

If you are having concerns about getting back to the church fellowship who was so helpful, perhaps you could write a select few a note now and then or phone them.  That way you are in control about time spent and topics.

We are poorly equipped to deal with grief, whether our own or another's, just as we are about cancer.  We are thrust into it with no idea of how to handle it. 

Folks worry when a surviving spouse opts out of life, even for a little while.  Just remember to keep a toe in the rest of the world, even if it is just the little toe for now.

Hugs and love to you Linda,

Marie who loves kitties

jen2012

I wanted to thank you all for

I wanted to thank you all for your kind and understanding responses.  It's good to share with those who understand.  Wolfen, I will check out the place you recommend - thanks!

We are getting through our days. Our little one (4) is the one that breaks my heart the most.  he will be happy and playing and then get sad and say "I wanted daddy to teach me how to ....."  my heart breaks for him, it's so unfair.    And despite hospice's promise of being there for us, they are non responsive.  So irritating.   

Lorikat

I was widowed at 39 When I

I was widowed at 39 When I lost my husband to prostate cancer. I had two children, son 18 and on college, daughter 12.  I was fortunate enough to be able to take a year off from work to care for him....i was a size 12 when he was diagnosed, a size 24 when he passed away.  So, I was a depressed, lonely, overweight woman on the day day I turned 40.  Our "friends" seemed  to slowly disappeared...  They did not know how to relate to me in this new role.

A week after he died I did the very best thing for me.  I went back to work.  Yes, people would give me condolences on my loss and I would fight not to cry....  However my job required ALL my attention.  And day by day things begin to fall into their new normal.  Kids still needed Mama and I needed them.  Some friends started to come back around and I made new friends.  Is it an easy or comfortable transition?  Nope. It isn't.  

Now, 25 years later I am a five year anal cancer survivor......

sharpy102

@Jen2012: I am relatively at

@Jen2012: I am relatively at the younger side here (some may remember me still here), and no, I did not lose my spouse. I lost my Mom...one side of me tells you easily, oh it's been 7 years almost (will be this June), but other side of me...is still very very disappointed. It's a roller coaster...sometimes, it is okay, sometimes, it gets me. It is not easy. At the time, I alienated everyone around me and for a good healthy two years I was going down on a spiral downhill. But then, slowly, the enemy (time) actually became a friend. And yes, as annoying as to hear that, but yes, time does heal things. Just give it some time, take it one step at a time. And don't forget: how does your spouse want to see you? Would he be happy to see you sad? Probably not. That is what I did at the time...focusing on how they would want to see you...it helps! I wish you the strength!!!! Hang in there!

Trubrit

sharpy102 said:

@Jen2012: I am relatively at

@Jen2012: I am relatively at the younger side here (some may remember me still here), and no, I did not lose my spouse. I lost my Mom...one side of me tells you easily, oh it's been 7 years almost (will be this June), but other side of me...is still very very disappointed. It's a roller coaster...sometimes, it is okay, sometimes, it gets me. It is not easy. At the time, I alienated everyone around me and for a good healthy two years I was going down on a spiral downhill. But then, slowly, the enemy (time) actually became a friend. And yes, as annoying as to hear that, but yes, time does heal things. Just give it some time, take it one step at a time. And don't forget: how does your spouse want to see you? Would he be happy to see you sad? Probably not. That is what I did at the time...focusing on how they would want to see you...it helps! I wish you the strength!!!! Hang in there!

Happy to see you here, Sharpy

Its always good to see you pop in, and it is good to hear that you are taking it one day at a time, and that time is helping. 

I am sure your mum is looking down on you, with such pride. 

SUE