Childhood Cancer, coming to terms with it at 24, help?

bluehat

Hey all,

I have always religiously avoided these things, but I think that's part of the problem and why I'm here. I need to know if anything of this stuff sounds familiar because I realize it's starting to hamstring my life a bit.

Background: Army officer, 24, from New York. Had ALL as a kid around 3, went into remission quickly but was in and out of the hospital a lot for a long time with the remedial chemo etc., think it finally ended around age 8.

I need to know if any of the following sounds familiar, is it a problem, and how did you deal with it?

I've always religiously avoided Relay for Lifes, these blogs, anything at all because frankly this is something I want to permanently put behind me. I am ashamed that my body failed me in that way. I hate this "survivor" stuff because it trivalizes the experience we had in this false positive light. It was nasty and brutal and not something to be revisted. Next, walking into hopsitals, that specific smell, stresses me out and I get a little light headed at times, this has happened for the past 10 years or so. Then, in the past 20 years I think, I remember crying twice, once was out of anger, and the other was sadness more recently. And there's been so many sad things that have happened but I can't seem to access that emotion, and it worries me a lot. Lastly, when faced with stressful situations, I have this inate ability to shut down and turn off a lot of emotions, make a decision and drive foward. It's made me a great officer in many ways, and I liked that about myself. 

However this all came to a head recently for me, and putting it all together I think I need to start addressing the fact that I had cancer and what it's done to me long term mentally (maybe? has anyone else felt this stuff). A four year relationship I had ended for a lot of reasons in January, but one of the things I can't understand about what happened was how terribly I acted during the break up (the shut down, move forward thing happened). Like I loved this woman, couldn't make it work for many reasons but we still had four great years together. And then I found out some terrible stuff she had been going through after the fact, and I felt like the world turned upside, but I couldn't cry. And I realize I've never really cried, then I realized how I had acted with her, realized the stress thing in my personality (always been aware of it though), etc., and I tried to figure out why and if all this stuff was related. I guessed the whole ALL experience as a kid had something to do with how emotionally shut off I could be, and started there. But I started with googling "why can't I cry," PTSD stuff came up, then childhood cancer survivors come up, and the feelings of shame, not crying, etc. etc. were all listed and it was like getting knocked out, because I didn't think it was anything serious. And in the miliary, the word PTSD seems embarassing, not because of the "don't be ashamed of your mental state," but because of the real life impact of PTSD is so much more serious here, and I feel like I'm not at that point.

Words of advice, help, shared experiences? Thank you. 

Ruddiger

Hello. I don't know if this

Hello. I don't know if this will help any, but here's what I have dealt with personally. 

From a young age, about seven years, old I'm 27 now, I have struggled with obsessive compulsive disorder. My particular type is what they call "pure o", or pure obsession related. I do have certain physical compulsions but mostly I have mental ones; trying to constantly reassure myself that these irrational fears that cause me to have panic attacks are just fears and nothing else. It seemed like when I was younger, and even into my late teens/twenty year old period, it would come on strong out of nowhere, last a few weeks, months, however long, and then it would back off for awhile. 

I was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma when I was 18. It was in my left cheek and a little bigger than a quarter. Almost immediately after the diagnosis, my ocd  left me alone and was completely absent for.months, and I kind of shut down. For a couple of years after my last treatment, when I was 19, I wasn't really afraid of anything, but I could tell I was starting to care a little less about things as well. 

When I turned twenty two is when my anxiety/ ocd started coming back full force. It was like all of a sudden I had emotions and fears Ishould have been experiencing when I was going through chemo, etc, but way more amped up. I started to fear many things, but I was really obsessed with a fear of dying. I know just about everyone has dwelled on death in their lives, but my thoughts consumed me. I became a hypochondriac and started drinking too much. That lasted for a couple of years and then when I turned twenty five, I started to disconnect again. I won't go into all the details, but it just seemed like one bad thing after another was happening. I don't know if I've just become a little hardened to certain things or what, but there have been several occasions where I have told.myself, "you need to be crying, why aren't you crying? Or showing some kind of emotion?".  

I know what you mean about the PTSD. I've had a couple doctors tell me that I might have it, but I always silently disagree with them. The weirdest, most random things can make me want to break down sometimes, but when I feel like a show of emotions is completely justified, or expected, in a situation, I find it hard to conjure any.

I don't know if this has helped, but I hope.so.

Ben-