Pity Party

mrou50

I was sick yesterday most of the day feeling crappy, and nauseous all day.  I had to deliver boxes of books to our local city library and I felt extremely weak and fatigued.  I actually had to have my wife help me load boxes of books in my truck. So last night I was pissed off at the world and I was so closed to calling my doctor and say I quit, I don't need this crap anymore, cancer is forcing me to leave my career, reducing my strength level and is slowly taking my, so I though screw it let it take me.  I chatted with some friends and I looked into the eyes of my wife and I felt ashamed for my self-pity, she has been strong for me every day so have my children and my disabled students, I realized that I have a right to be angry and upset some times but I am not a quitter, I coached sports for many years and I would never accept quitting then so I am not going to start now.  Then today I read all of the stories that I did not see this week and what my comrades in arms are facing and I though Mark you’re a "big ****", you are not the only one fighting this and I am sure I will not be the last, thank you to everyone here that wakes up each morning with this disease and fights with everything they have, this disease will probably take my life someday, short of a cure, but I refuse to just stop fighting just because I am having a bad day.

 

 

Mark

Footstomper

Mirrors

I think we have all felt like that. I know times when diahrea has kept me in the bathroom for hours. Times when I havent made it in time and literaly sprayed myself, my clothes and my house with effluent. And then cleared up the mess wearing nothing but tears of humiliation and bitter, impotent anger.

I hate the fact that I was forced to give up my teachers job which I loved.

I hated seeing the concern in the faces of the ones I loved. I hate the constant pain, and the inability to do most of the things I have enjoyed doing in my life.

The list goes on.

A friend of mine's wife killed herself because of her cancer. I find no fault in her. But she destroyed her spouse, her children and the glue that held the family together. Probably the most selfish act one could ever make, yet I understand it.

I couldnt do that.

I guess I've survived at least two very close calls with death, probably more. Having done that it seems silly to give up now. Today was a beautiful day. I hope tomorrow is too.

I'm not battling cancer; I hate the metaphor. It seems to imply that if you die of this disease, its somehow your fault. I'm suffering from cancer, my dr's are the ones using their skills to kill this disease.

I dont know where I'm going here. I spent a few days last week battling what Churchill called the 'Black Dog' of depression . What was the point of anything? What was the point of getting up , getting dressed, taking another breath?

I guess the question answers itself: another breath. How precious is that?

I dont believe in God or any kind of spirituality, so I dont think I'll be missing anything when I'm dead. I know it would upset my wife. I know it will upset my adult autistic son, to what end I know not. It will upset my student daughter. And my friends, and the people I know who I know are praying for me in churches, synagogues and mosques in three continents (not bad for an athiest, eh).

So what am I saying? Cancer sucks. On the other hand it has also provided a lot of loving people with an opportunity to quietly express that love (in whatever form they wish to express it).

I understand the impulse to end it. But we have a DUTY for those who love us to do our best to keep going and try not to be miserable about it ( although we often fail).

Anyway today was a lovely day.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Not the dead, thats for sure.

And I get to talk to people like you. Who'd have thunk it?

foxhd

Footstomper said:

Mirrors

I think we have all felt like that. I know times when diahrea has kept me in the bathroom for hours. Times when I havent made it in time and literaly sprayed myself, my clothes and my house with effluent. And then cleared up the mess wearing nothing but tears of humiliation and bitter, impotent anger.

I hate the fact that I was forced to give up my teachers job which I loved.

I hated seeing the concern in the faces of the ones I loved. I hate the constant pain, and the inability to do most of the things I have enjoyed doing in my life.

The list goes on.

A friend of mine's wife killed herself because of her cancer. I find no fault in her. But she destroyed her spouse, her children and the glue that held the family together. Probably the most selfish act one could ever make, yet I understand it.

I couldnt do that.

I guess I've survived at least two very close calls with death, probably more. Having done that it seems silly to give up now. Today was a beautiful day. I hope tomorrow is too.

I'm not battling cancer; I hate the metaphor. It seems to imply that if you die of this disease, its somehow your fault. I'm suffering from cancer, my dr's are the ones using their skills to kill this disease.

I dont know where I'm going here. I spent a few days last week battling what Churchill called the 'Black Dog' of depression . What was the point of anything? What was the point of getting up , getting dressed, taking another breath?

I guess the question answers itself: another breath. How precious is that?

I dont believe in God or any kind of spirituality, so I dont think I'll be missing anything when I'm dead. I know it would upset my wife. I know it will upset my adult autistic son, to what end I know not. It will upset my student daughter. And my friends, and the people I know who I know are praying for me in churches, synagogues and mosques in three continents (not bad for an athiest, eh).

So what am I saying? Cancer sucks. On the other hand it has also provided a lot of loving people with an opportunity to quietly express that love (in whatever form they wish to express it).

I understand the impulse to end it. But we have a DUTY for those who love us to do our best to keep going and try not to be miserable about it ( although we often fail).

Anyway today was a lovely day.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Not the dead, thats for sure.

And I get to talk to people like you. Who'd have thunk it?

Don't

I know it. We do get discouraged. Especially having to concede every inch to cancer. Not being able to keep our same functional selves. I've of no relgious faith either. I've told people that when I got very ill last winter I went to the crossing over line multiple times. All I had to do was let go. It would have been so easy. That is where I have an advantage over religious people. When you accept the will of god you are not able to commit to a complete fight. Something about that heaven thing. I don't believe there is anything after lights out. Therefore I fight just a little bit harder. I really want to stay here.

Max57

Footstomper said:

Mirrors

I think we have all felt like that. I know times when diahrea has kept me in the bathroom for hours. Times when I havent made it in time and literaly sprayed myself, my clothes and my house with effluent. And then cleared up the mess wearing nothing but tears of humiliation and bitter, impotent anger.

I hate the fact that I was forced to give up my teachers job which I loved.

I hated seeing the concern in the faces of the ones I loved. I hate the constant pain, and the inability to do most of the things I have enjoyed doing in my life.

The list goes on.

A friend of mine's wife killed herself because of her cancer. I find no fault in her. But she destroyed her spouse, her children and the glue that held the family together. Probably the most selfish act one could ever make, yet I understand it.

I couldnt do that.

I guess I've survived at least two very close calls with death, probably more. Having done that it seems silly to give up now. Today was a beautiful day. I hope tomorrow is too.

I'm not battling cancer; I hate the metaphor. It seems to imply that if you die of this disease, its somehow your fault. I'm suffering from cancer, my dr's are the ones using their skills to kill this disease.

I dont know where I'm going here. I spent a few days last week battling what Churchill called the 'Black Dog' of depression . What was the point of anything? What was the point of getting up , getting dressed, taking another breath?

I guess the question answers itself: another breath. How precious is that?

I dont believe in God or any kind of spirituality, so I dont think I'll be missing anything when I'm dead. I know it would upset my wife. I know it will upset my adult autistic son, to what end I know not. It will upset my student daughter. And my friends, and the people I know who I know are praying for me in churches, synagogues and mosques in three continents (not bad for an athiest, eh).

So what am I saying? Cancer sucks. On the other hand it has also provided a lot of loving people with an opportunity to quietly express that love (in whatever form they wish to express it).

I understand the impulse to end it. But we have a DUTY for those who love us to do our best to keep going and try not to be miserable about it ( although we often fail).

Anyway today was a lovely day.

Who knows what tomorrow may bring? Not the dead, thats for sure.

And I get to talk to people like you. Who'd have thunk it?

Well said
Footstomper
 

Well said

Footstomper

 

APny

Max57 said:

Well said
Footstomper
 

Well said

Footstomper

 

Mark, Foots, Fox

You are among the most courageous people and my admiration and respect for you is endless. You’re not only dealing with the fall out from his horrible disease on a pretty much daily basis but you’re here regularly, sharing your wisdom, your knowledge, your experience with others. It’s unbelievably unselfish and if there is nothing beyond here then there ought to be. For people like you. And if there isn’t, you’re making this place a better one for being in it.

PonyWave

It's like the whoLe grief

It's like the whoLe grief cycle is wrapped up in five minutes of hopelessness. I know I could never maintain the type of attitude that I'd love to have without a ton of inner anxiety. It's okay to take a timeout and regroup. It sounds like you'be been through so much!

Jojo61

You guys are all such

You guys are all such courageous fighters - and although there are times when you get fed up and discouraged, you get right back into the fight. I admire you all. Your strength and courage humble me.

Hugs

Jojo

Allochka

Jojo61 said:

You guys are all such

You guys are all such courageous fighters - and although there are times when you get fed up and discouraged, you get right back into the fight. I admire you all. Your strength and courage humble me.

Hugs

Jojo

Mark, Fox, Footstomper, you

Mark, Fox, Footstomper, you are real life heroes. You really are! I am amazed at your strength and happy to know people like you.

hardo718

Allochka said:

Mark, Fox, Footstomper, you

Mark, Fox, Footstomper, you are real life heroes. You really are! I am amazed at your strength and happy to know people like you.

Whats wrong with a good old fashioned pity party?

It's a necessary part of it all.  How else can we bring ourselves to an acceptance of what we have to face in the mirror?  The hard part sometimes is moving beyond the pity party.

I always hate leaving parties, but part we must.

To Mark, Fox and Stomp.....and many others.....I look forward to your wisdom and examples of a life well lived.  You are all an inspiration to me.  Thank you all!

Donna~

foxhd

hardo718 said:

Whats wrong with a good old fashioned pity party?

It's a necessary part of it all.  How else can we bring ourselves to an acceptance of what we have to face in the mirror?  The hard part sometimes is moving beyond the pity party.

I always hate leaving parties, but part we must.

To Mark, Fox and Stomp.....and many others.....I look forward to your wisdom and examples of a life well lived.  You are all an inspiration to me.  Thank you all!

Donna~

Well,

I went off with my golfing buddy today for the whole day. Nothing broke. No pain. Weak but hit the ball pretty good. Just not very far. Just like how I started last year. What a great warm spring day to be outdoors all day. Reminds me why I want to stay alive.

APny

foxhd said:

Well,

I went off with my golfing buddy today for the whole day. Nothing broke. No pain. Weak but hit the ball pretty good. Just not very far. Just like how I started last year. What a great warm spring day to be outdoors all day. Reminds me why I want to stay alive.

Excellent! Nothing like a

Excellent! Nothing like a good game of golf in beautiful weather. Not that I play, lol, but maybe one day Great to hear you're out and about and without pain. xo

mrou50

foxhd said:

Well,

I went off with my golfing buddy today for the whole day. Nothing broke. No pain. Weak but hit the ball pretty good. Just not very far. Just like how I started last year. What a great warm spring day to be outdoors all day. Reminds me why I want to stay alive.

Golf

Fox I have not golfed since my dianosis, my ONC told me now that I will be retiring I should get out and try again, but I was afraid I would not have the strength to hit the ball well again, you have inspired me again so I am going to give it try.  Even if I can't hit the long ball at least I can get out and do something.

 

Mark

foxhd

mrou50 said:

Golf

Fox I have not golfed since my dianosis, my ONC told me now that I will be retiring I should get out and try again, but I was afraid I would not have the strength to hit the ball well again, you have inspired me again so I am going to give it try.  Even if I can't hit the long ball at least I can get out and do something.

 

Mark

Mark

my swing plane is so much easier to stay on. Hits are clean. Just short. I played from the old mans tees and it was great.

marosa

foxhd said:

Mark

my swing plane is so much easier to stay on. Hits are clean. Just short. I played from the old mans tees and it was great.

I just now realized

I can finally answer one of the 2 questions that I left unanswered a year ago in my profile.  " Having found this forum and sharing, learning and knowing all of you.  There is a lot of love, trust and care going around."

There is a whole lot of class acts on courage, gracefulness and good humor!

I find myself struggling with words, my english and my thoughts! Hope I made sense.  I could try in spanish, but Im not sure I could do much better!

foxhd

marosa said:

I just now realized

I can finally answer one of the 2 questions that I left unanswered a year ago in my profile.  " Having found this forum and sharing, learning and knowing all of you.  There is a lot of love, trust and care going around."

There is a whole lot of class acts on courage, gracefulness and good humor!

I find myself struggling with words, my english and my thoughts! Hope I made sense.  I could try in spanish, but Im not sure I could do much better!

Ms. Marosa, my dear,

Aren't you forgetting something? You are a big componet of this group. This is not a group of people you admire. It is a group who shares a hold on life itself. And you always make everyone look forward to your posts. You have the "Joie de vivre" that keeps smiles on our faces. Thank you, Maria.