Wezhogan Member Posts: 2

I have just found this board. I needed to find someone that understands how I feel. My husband was diagnosed in June 2015 with a benign anal condyloma, even though his surgeon and I knew I was more serious.  After numerous surgeries and abcess, which all included biopsies he was finally diagnosed with anal cancer in January.  This is after extreme pain and suffering which included the instalation of a colonoscopy bag. I am mad and he is also, someone dropped the ball here but there is nothing we can do but go forward.

As his only support I have had to deal with the majority of his pain and suffering. It's almost like he is mad that I am not hurting like he is, what he doesn't understand is that I don't have the physical pain but am dealing with the emotional pain. I do everything. Coordinate all doctor and home health care appointments. It's like dealing with a 5 yo. He had to have a biopsy on Friday and he didn't want to go but had too. So he spent the whole time complaining and blaming the discomfort on me, including in front of other people. I felt like the bad guy even though this had to be done.

I just feel like I am getting lost and only exist to take care of him which is completely unappreciated. I tried to take a couple hours for myself a few months ago and an hour in he was texting me to get home like it was an emergency. When I got home it turned out that his urine bottles were just full. He is able to get around some so there is no reason for him not to make it to the bathroom.


My feelings about things seem to not even matter. He has become the most selfish person I have ever met. He is mean to caregivers so I have to deal with them the majority of the time so that he continues with the care he needs. Sometimes I just feel like I will never feel Good about myself again and am going to be miserable forever.  There are many things he could do for himself but just won't do it such as calling his doctor when needed, keep track of appointments on his calender, and setting his alarm clock for appointments. 

I am so depressed but the thought of leaving is not an option for me. I could never leave him in this condition. I could never live with myself if I left him to deal with on his own. I cry all the time and hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. I don't know where to go with this and want to quit feeling so alone. I'm sorry for just dumping this on here  I know there r people going thro so much more. I just want to quit crying.



  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    I don't think

    There are others going through much more.  You are in a miserable position.

    First, your husband.  You need to talk with the oncology staff and explain what is going on.  Anger can mask depression.  His pain levels may need to be addressed.  The psychological issues that come from cancer must be dealt with.

    Next, most importantly to me, you and your well-being.

    I completely understand your position about not leaving.  However, don't let emotional and psychological abuse become the norm for your life. Short of having a metastatic brain tumor, your husband needs to understand his behavior is unacceptable.

    Don't be afraid to take back control of your life.

  • EZLiving66
    EZLiving66 Member Posts: 1,482 Member
    I'm so sorry but I agree 100%

    I'm so sorry but I agree 100% with Noel.  Your husband needs professional help.  If he won't get it, you need to get it for yourself.  I'm sure he's angry and depressed but that's absolutely no reason to treat you badly.  I have a good friend who is going through the same thing with her husband and we make sure to have regular "girls' night out" so she can relax, talk and have some fun once in awhile.  He gets angry when she goes but she has stood her ground that she needs a break from the pressure of taking care of him.  She still works part-time as an LPN and he resents that too.  He is so lucky she has stood by him and knows how to care for him or he would probably be in a nursing home.  

    Please take care of yourself!



  • nonichol
    nonichol Member Posts: 170

    I thought I was reading my story. I started seeing a counselor a few weeks ago. I can't let him die alone, but hopefully I can keep myself out of similar situations in the future.