Barely Hanging On

LucyMertz

My husband has stage 4 head and neck cancer, he's had numerous radiation and chemo treatments over the last few years and recently completed another round of treatments.  The man I married and loved and still love is gone. His cancer and pain have turned him into a hateful angry nasty person.  He belittles me every chance he gets, criticizes everything I do and will not follow the doctors instructions for pain meds then complains about how much pain he is in.   I've turned the other cheek and bit my lip too many time to count over the last 6 months.  He's driving my self esteem and confidence into the ground.  I find myself dreading what's going to happen when he wakes up and what kind of mental beat down I'll get next.  

I love him, I do everything and anything I can to take care of him and to make whatever is left of his life tolerable but nothing works.  i look forward to any chance to escape to the grocery store or to make it to my job a few hours here and there. i don't go anywher or do anything and have become isolated from family and friends.

I don't know what to do at this point - I've been willing to sacrifice just about everything to help him and take care of him but have to begun to feel I am sacrificing my life.   I hate myself for feeling the way I do but I can't help it.  I imagine what it would be like to pack a bag and just leave but I know I wouldn't and couldn't do that.  I hate cancer and what it has done to him, to me, to our future, our marriage, our relationship. 

Any advice will be appreciated......

Noellesmom

I am sorry

Lucy, where is your husband's cancer?

Have you called your husband's oncology nurse to discuss what is going on?

If his pain is not under control, his anger is understandable.  It is not acceptable for him to take it out on you.

I think I would want to know why he is choosing pain over relief.  Is his decision making capability been impaired?

Aurelia 5

You can't go on like this

This is a terrible thing that is happening to you. My husband has stage four prostate cancer, but has an unusually sweet and positive temperament. I'm so fortunate. 

I can't give you knowlable advice since I don't have this problem, but I can tell you the best thing you could do would be to get a nurse or health aide in there to deal with him. They don't take any crap and might be able to change his rotten behavior. You need to get away from him as often as possible for your own sanity. Caregivers tend to not care for themselves and that's bad. He's mad because of the pain and those horrible treatments, but taking it out on you isn't an option. Get someone else in there to help you. Get out, join some group and do something nice for yourself. You deserve anything you can do. You do. Don't believe what horrible things he says. I know that's nearly impossible, but if you start getting away, you'll be able to see the situation from a distance and see that he's just venting and you happen to be in direct line of his attacks. There needs to be another person there to teach him that he can't do that, to find a better way to attend to his rage. 

By not taking his pain meds he's setting himself up for more pain and abuse. Walk away when he starts. Don't stand there and take it, that only gives him strength to be more abusive. If he's going to be a big baby, treat him like one and give him a time out. Tell him that until he can behave you'll be in the other room and when he can be nice you'll come back. He's throwing a tantrum and you can't give in and enable his bad behavior. Walk away. 

I may sound strict, but this is how I've dealt with bad behavior in the past. It works. Please, please try it and write back to me and tell me what he does. Tell me about getting a nurse to help you. You seriously need to do this or you'll lose your mind and spirit. Write back, ok? 

nonichol

Lucy

I totally understand your feelings. I feel like I am also giving all, but see no options. His family doesn't help, they didn't want to be around him before he was sick. But he is very ill and the end is near. One thought seems to create a conflicting thought for me. I don't seem to have the love story others are fortunate enough to have. Hang in there. 

coachL

Hey Lucy,
i am also a

Hey Lucy,

i am also a caregiver and it is the hardest job I've ever had. You are not alone!  This is my husband's 2nd experience w cancer. He had a stage 4 cancer 7 years ago and now has stage 4 metastatic bladder cancer. The chemo and exhaustion really do a number on the ones we love. I am sure deep down he sees how much you are doing for him. He's probably so angry at all the cancer has robbed him of and unfortunately it sounds like he is venting all his frustration on you. For me the personality changes are the hardest part. 

Im proud of you for hanging in there.  He is so blessed to have you love him at his worst.  Praying for you that you will have new strength and love each day. 

 

 

jorola

coachL said:

Hey Lucy,
i am also a

Hey Lucy,

i am also a caregiver and it is the hardest job I've ever had. You are not alone!  This is my husband's 2nd experience w cancer. He had a stage 4 cancer 7 years ago and now has stage 4 metastatic bladder cancer. The chemo and exhaustion really do a number on the ones we love. I am sure deep down he sees how much you are doing for him. He's probably so angry at all the cancer has robbed him of and unfortunately it sounds like he is venting all his frustration on you. For me the personality changes are the hardest part. 

Im proud of you for hanging in there.  He is so blessed to have you love him at his worst.  Praying for you that you will have new strength and love each day. 

 

 

counseling

Can't say it enough. Being a caregiver to my first husband nearly drove me over the edge but I got help for me. It could not save our marriage but it saved me. I became a better person and more so a better mother. Being a care giver is an emotionally and physically draining job. Hard to do that job if we can't take care of ourselves. PLease, take care of yourself.