Lost my mother to cancer

Linda White

Im not sure if anyone is going to read this post but I am feeling so lost that maybe even if no one is there, I will feel better.  This is the second christmas my mom has been gone.  Like so many other people in the world who have lost their mom's, I feel so lost a year and a half later.  I thought maybe I would feel better in time but I fear this will never be.  I have learned I am a very selfish person.  When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and given a year and a half to live, I at first cried and was right there for her.  However as time went on, I continued to live my life.  I am 50 years old and was a returning student to a college out of town.,  I was also a single parent.  I did not live with my mom.  We were fixing up her basement for my daughter and I to move in.  She spent like $20,000.00 in renovations but I never got moved in.  I continued to live my life with going to see her once a week and doing her laundry as she couldnt do the stairs anymore.  At times, she would ask for me to get it done as it was piling up.  I never asked her if she was in pain.  I never asked her if she needed me to do anything, get her groceries or anything.  I will tell you she was my best friend but I was not hers.  She left her house to me which I now live in.  She was an avid gardener and I have no idea how to take care of her gardens.  So many things in the house that I dont know where they came from or what they meant to her.  So many things in the house I dont know how to take care of.  I am so angry at myself for not asking her so many questions of her life, what she needed or even if she was scared and how could I help.  You would think at my age, I would of known better.  I just want a re-do.  I want more days and I cant have them.  I so want to die so I can see her, ask her for forgivness but even forgivness from her wont change the fact that I am a horrible person and a horrible daughter.

Ladylacy

Holidays

I am going thru my first holidays after loosing my husband of 53 years.  It is hard and there are many things I regret not doing and saying and we all wish for do overs which we know we can't have.  I have a lot of regrets and what ifs but I know deep in my heart that I did the best I could at the hardest times.  I tell myself what if, we had gotten a second opinion before any treatment was started, what if after all the radiation, chemo and surgery if he would have continued treatment instead of saying enough, would things have turned out different.  My sons tell me I did all I could for their father and that I shouldn't keep questioning myself. 

My mother has been gone for 11 years and she lived with us the last two years of her life.  I still miss her and think of her. 

I don't think your mother would want you to keep thinking the way you do.  She would want you to get on with your life and live it to the fullest.  They always say the holidays are the worse how ever long your loved one has been gone.

Wishing you peace and comfort

molimoli

Hugging you in spirit Linda.Get on with life, please.

Linda, be good to yourself so you can be good to your child , we don't always do the right things because we are not perfect , so realise that if your mom saw you in the light you have painted yourself she would have complained  or maybe she would have not given you her house, she must not have wanted you to  arrest your life to see to her needs. It is obvious she forgave you any thing you think you have done. Don't stay in that depression ,It will become your best friend and rob your child of you. Life is short my dear ,unfriend regrets depression and sorrow. Be the best  mom you can be to her grandchild and you will have given her in death what you think you haven't given her in life. Don't rob your child, what's done is done, no do overs , shake it off  and embrace  this wonderfuf life that you have this moment.

 I am hugging you and asking you to live,please.

Nuff Love ,Moli

quinceman

I lost my mother and best

I lost my mother and best freind to cancer also 1976 40 years in two months hard to beleive it has been that long ago.I still think of her from time to time but the intevals between are  getting longer Just had a freind send me a poem about losing a mother and a mothers love just 2 days ago and it all came flooding back I was 16 when she passed so as you can figure I am 56 now  be 57 next month and the pain still fresh. My mother and I were very close my father was a new york city cop and was on the job most of the time while I was growing up not his fault he was trying to provide for his family. but most of the time it was me and my mother. I was baby out of 4 children  and we were all spead out in ages My 2 brothers were in the air force and my sister was working by the time i was 12 or so. So it was me and my mother and we did everything together shopping cooking ( I still love to cook and Bake) and everything else that needed to be done even helped with housework. in 1966 my father bought a camp upstate ny they had both been looking for a while. I spent the next 6 years staying up ther in the summers ( best years of my life) and it was just me and my mother again my father would come up on weekends and work on the place (I am a carpenter now because of all of those weekends) during the week my mother and  I would drive around and look for auctions she loved antiques. We would come home with boxes of stuff 2 or 3 times a week. My grandmother would spend 3 or 4 weeks out of the summer with us and I can still smell the bread cooking in the oven. (now I love making homemade bread frome scratch) any way one day my father suggested we open up an antique store in an old barn on the property so we did called it Jim's old things ( my name is jim)bought an antique cash register i had seen at antique shop and started a buisness. Made a lot of money for a 14 year old bought a new dirt bike and always had money to go to autions I loved it well all of this happines was about to end in 1974 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had to have full double maasectamy and the chemo and radiation treatments for the next 2 years wnt through hell and suffered terriblly but never complained. I was by her side through all of it and although I hated it I would not have  traded my  time with her for anything march of 1976 she passed away. She had a brain tumor inoperarable more radiation for nothing. The last time I saw here we wer all there and I was the only one she recognized . still chokes me up to think of  that day 2 days later she was gone. I still feel terrible because she died in the middle of the night with no one there. we were all exhausted and the dr said we had a week and he was wrong we were all at home and got the call. I cried for days no one could help me not even my sister she wanted to be cremated and she wanted her ashes spread out in the flower garden so that is what we did I still live in the same house and all of her aantiques are still here makes me feel close to her sometimes. I built a bench many years ago actually on third one now and I sit on that bench by the garden and I talk to her to this day.my father just passed 6 years ago and he wanted to be cremated also so we didand his ashes are mingled together in that garden. I don't take care of the garden like I used to Have to work on that this year. but now they are together forever They were soulmate's  and I am glad they are together now I think I may get cremated and join them some day. my antiqu business fell apart after she passed and just this year we tore down that old barn it had been falling down for years and needed to come down I cried a little when it fell My childhood memories all down in pieces on the ground but my memories are in my head and i keep them locked away.my father left the house to me and my brother so I plan to live here till I am gone. I could never sell it because of the flower garden and all and besides I just love it here I am home where I belong. just wanted to share that with you I had tears flowing most of the way through so I am here to tell you  you never get over the passing of a loved especially a mother and I often wonder how different my life would have been if she had lived longer . I started drinking soon after she passed and did not come up for air for 20 years. I am 15 years sober now and I just had about with cancer one year and one month ago I had surgery to remove a tumor in my colon everything went well and they say they got it all no chemo or radiiation therepy was nessesary. I am fine now but I lost a lot of weight 40 pounds or so. I have gained about 20  of it back so not too bad. all right that is my life story

 

r

 

Noellesmom

quinceman said:

I lost my mother and best

I lost my mother and best freind to cancer also 1976 40 years in two months hard to beleive it has been that long ago.I still think of her from time to time but the intevals between are  getting longer Just had a freind send me a poem about losing a mother and a mothers love just 2 days ago and it all came flooding back I was 16 when she passed so as you can figure I am 56 now  be 57 next month and the pain still fresh. My mother and I were very close my father was a new york city cop and was on the job most of the time while I was growing up not his fault he was trying to provide for his family. but most of the time it was me and my mother. I was baby out of 4 children  and we were all spead out in ages My 2 brothers were in the air force and my sister was working by the time i was 12 or so. So it was me and my mother and we did everything together shopping cooking ( I still love to cook and Bake) and everything else that needed to be done even helped with housework. in 1966 my father bought a camp upstate ny they had both been looking for a while. I spent the next 6 years staying up ther in the summers ( best years of my life) and it was just me and my mother again my father would come up on weekends and work on the place (I am a carpenter now because of all of those weekends) during the week my mother and  I would drive around and look for auctions she loved antiques. We would come home with boxes of stuff 2 or 3 times a week. My grandmother would spend 3 or 4 weeks out of the summer with us and I can still smell the bread cooking in the oven. (now I love making homemade bread frome scratch) any way one day my father suggested we open up an antique store in an old barn on the property so we did called it Jim's old things ( my name is jim)bought an antique cash register i had seen at antique shop and started a buisness. Made a lot of money for a 14 year old bought a new dirt bike and always had money to go to autions I loved it well all of this happines was about to end in 1974 my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had to have full double maasectamy and the chemo and radiation treatments for the next 2 years wnt through hell and suffered terriblly but never complained. I was by her side through all of it and although I hated it I would not have  traded my  time with her for anything march of 1976 she passed away. She had a brain tumor inoperarable more radiation for nothing. The last time I saw here we wer all there and I was the only one she recognized . still chokes me up to think of  that day 2 days later she was gone. I still feel terrible because she died in the middle of the night with no one there. we were all exhausted and the dr said we had a week and he was wrong we were all at home and got the call. I cried for days no one could help me not even my sister she wanted to be cremated and she wanted her ashes spread out in the flower garden so that is what we did I still live in the same house and all of her aantiques are still here makes me feel close to her sometimes. I built a bench many years ago actually on third one now and I sit on that bench by the garden and I talk to her to this day.my father just passed 6 years ago and he wanted to be cremated also so we didand his ashes are mingled together in that garden. I don't take care of the garden like I used to Have to work on that this year. but now they are together forever They were soulmate's  and I am glad they are together now I think I may get cremated and join them some day. my antiqu business fell apart after she passed and just this year we tore down that old barn it had been falling down for years and needed to come down I cried a little when it fell My childhood memories all down in pieces on the ground but my memories are in my head and i keep them locked away.my father left the house to me and my brother so I plan to live here till I am gone. I could never sell it because of the flower garden and all and besides I just love it here I am home where I belong. just wanted to share that with you I had tears flowing most of the way through so I am here to tell you  you never get over the passing of a loved especially a mother and I often wonder how different my life would have been if she had lived longer . I started drinking soon after she passed and did not come up for air for 20 years. I am 15 years sober now and I just had about with cancer one year and one month ago I had surgery to remove a tumor in my colon everything went well and they say they got it all no chemo or radiiation therepy was nessesary. I am fine now but I lost a lot of weight 40 pounds or so. I have gained about 20  of it back so not too bad. all right that is my life story

 

r

 

Thank you for sharing

Losing our parents is always difficult.

I'm glad you have such sweet memories of your mother.

Also happy to hear you are doing well post-treatment.

Take care of yourself.