OK

RoseC

Hi All - I'm having trouble with something and I'm hoping you can help me - it's not cancer related but I'm hoping you-all can advise me anyway, or offer help and maybe give me some direction. My mom passed away in July. She was so ill - many, many issues. I went through cancer, TTP, and all that crap-shoot-**** (sorry), and made it through - with her by my side - along with my brother and husband.  She did so much for me. I'm so sorry to burden you with things when I know you're all dealing with other things - life things - but I'm afraid I may be having a breakdown (I guess it's a good thing that I recognize that). I haven't been on the board much in the past few years and I'm sorry for that  - but don't know where else to go with this 'stuff'. This is the place where I could always put it all out there and not be judged. I loved my mom a whole lot but didn't really like her. There were things she did, the way she lived her life, that I didn't like. And yet I'm broken because she's gone - it's getting harder as time goes by. Is this normal or do I need to see someone for some help? I loved her (a whole bunch) but I'm not sorry that she passed away - she was so sick. Am I going crazy? I apologize again but I could use some help. Thanks.

mp327

Rose

I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom.  I am glad you came here and shared this with us.  I'm sure your emotions are not only due to losing your Mom, but also because of all you've been through.  It is so hard to lose a parent, even if the relationship was not always perfect.  There's always thoughts of things we could have done or said while that person was still here and it hits us that that opportunity is forever gone.  I think what you are feeling is normal in the grief process.  However, if you feel that you are having a harder time dealing with your emotions as time goes on, then I would, by all means, find someone to talk to.  Perhaps it will help just to talk to a close friend, your pastor or therapist.  I hope your cloud of emotions will soon lift and you'll be feeling better.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Martha

lizdeli

mp327 said:

Rose

I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom.  I am glad you came here and shared this with us.  I'm sure your emotions are not only due to losing your Mom, but also because of all you've been through.  It is so hard to lose a parent, even if the relationship was not always perfect.  There's always thoughts of things we could have done or said while that person was still here and it hits us that that opportunity is forever gone.  I think what you are feeling is normal in the grief process.  However, if you feel that you are having a harder time dealing with your emotions as time goes on, then I would, by all means, find someone to talk to.  Perhaps it will help just to talk to a close friend, your pastor or therapist.  I hope your cloud of emotions will soon lift and you'll be feeling better.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Martha

Rose

i am really glad you reached out. Grieving is a very complicated experience. There isn't a set program of emotions that happen in lock step. It is a roller coaster. Grief itself is the internal emotions we feel when we lose someone. Mourning is the external part of the grieving process and it shows up in many different ways. Everyone mourns differently. There could be a plethora of reasons for the emotions you are experiencing. Sometimes it helps to talk to a grief counselor to help sort out the underlying root emotions. I experienced a lot of loss over the years and found it helpful to talk to someone who was both trained and neutral. 

I wish you healing. 

Liz

sephie

so sorry

rose,   you are not going crazy..... just having a lot of feelings to handle....normal.... i agree with what martha and liz said...so my 2 cents is to be grateful and feel relieved that your mom is not suffering anymore....that she is peaceful and happy....hugs...sephie

mxperry220

My Mother Passed in March

My mother passed away in March of this year.  She was 86 years old.  She had been in a nursing home for 12 years.  She was not in serious health until the last six months of her life.  She was in a nusing home as a result of breaking her hip and had limited mobilility issues and could not live independently.  Mother and I were very close.  I am the oldest of her four children.  My mom was in an abusive relationship with our dad for 32 years which ended in divorce when she was in her mid 50s.  I always felt I had to take care of her.  Even though we had many disagreements we still loved each other.  Mother was in extreme pain the last six months of her life.  It was such a relief when she passed knowing she was not in pain any longer.  My mom always felt she could talk to me in a deragotory/direct manner.  She did not do this with my other  three siblings.  This always irritated me.  We always mended our differences.  She became more difficult the last five years of her life.  I felt she had higher expectaions of me versus my siblings.  I was successful professionally but I felt she never fully acknowleged my success even though she was a direct beneficiary of my success.  I resented this to some extent.  I felt she was almost jealous of my success.  Looking back my mom was the best mom anyone could have.  She sacrificed most of her life for her children.  She lived in my hometown and I live in another location.  I miss our weekly phone conversations.  I think of all the good life values my mother instilled in her children.  I too felt a little quilty during the last five years of her life as she became more difficult.  I felt I had to remove myself from interacting on a regular basis with her due to the fact I had anal cancer in 2008 and felt the stress was not good for me.  When we would have disagreements it would upset she and myself.  I would then feel guilty about the conflict since she was in a nursing home(which is a horrible place) and I was cancer free and living my normal life.  I have made peace with myself that I made my mother's life much easier for the last thirty years of her life by providing for her needs and wants.  Release any guilt you may have toward your mom and think of the kind things your mom did throughout you life.

Mike

RoseC

Thank you all so very much

Thank you, everyone. I'm feeling much better today. I talked with my sister and a couple of good friends. Their words, along with yours, have helped a lot. If things continue, I may look into seeing a professional but for now I'm doing good. No breakdown (or only a 1 day one).

Thanks again,

Rose

eihtak

RoseC said:

Thank you all so very much

Thank you, everyone. I'm feeling much better today. I talked with my sister and a couple of good friends. Their words, along with yours, have helped a lot. If things continue, I may look into seeing a professional but for now I'm doing good. No breakdown (or only a 1 day one).

Thanks again,

Rose

Rose......

Hi,

I sent you a pm so please read.....

I have this quote from Fred Rogers on a bookmark and reminds me how important it is to talk about things in life and not keep them bottled up inside. Sometimes that is enough to feel better!

Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.”
― Fred Rogers

katheryn

EvelynB

Rose

I think these feelings might be more common than we think. I had a very similar relationship with my Mom. It's so hard to admit but there were lots of things about her personality that I didn't like but I loved her so much. My husband just recently lost his dad and I've watched him go through all the conflicting feelings in dealing with his death. You have been through so much. Be gentle with yourself and please do seek out help if it all seems too much. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

pializ

mxperry220 said:

My Mother Passed in March

My mother passed away in March of this year.  She was 86 years old.  She had been in a nursing home for 12 years.  She was not in serious health until the last six months of her life.  She was in a nusing home as a result of breaking her hip and had limited mobilility issues and could not live independently.  Mother and I were very close.  I am the oldest of her four children.  My mom was in an abusive relationship with our dad for 32 years which ended in divorce when she was in her mid 50s.  I always felt I had to take care of her.  Even though we had many disagreements we still loved each other.  Mother was in extreme pain the last six months of her life.  It was such a relief when she passed knowing she was not in pain any longer.  My mom always felt she could talk to me in a deragotory/direct manner.  She did not do this with my other  three siblings.  This always irritated me.  We always mended our differences.  She became more difficult the last five years of her life.  I felt she had higher expectaions of me versus my siblings.  I was successful professionally but I felt she never fully acknowleged my success even though she was a direct beneficiary of my success.  I resented this to some extent.  I felt she was almost jealous of my success.  Looking back my mom was the best mom anyone could have.  She sacrificed most of her life for her children.  She lived in my hometown and I live in another location.  I miss our weekly phone conversations.  I think of all the good life values my mother instilled in her children.  I too felt a little quilty during the last five years of her life as she became more difficult.  I felt I had to remove myself from interacting on a regular basis with her due to the fact I had anal cancer in 2008 and felt the stress was not good for me.  When we would have disagreements it would upset she and myself.  I would then feel guilty about the conflict since she was in a nursing home(which is a horrible place) and I was cancer free and living my normal life.  I have made peace with myself that I made my mother's life much easier for the last thirty years of her life by providing for her needs and wants.  Release any guilt you may have toward your mom and think of the kind things your mom did throughout you life.

Mike

Rose

i am sorry for your loss. When my mother passed away in 2009 I was sad for myself at losing her, but for her, it was overdue. She had suffered dementia for some years and it was a long and cruel death. For her, I was glad her suffering was over. I miss her every day.

Grief can be complicated by the kind of relationship that has been, & that makes the grieving process more difficult. Plus it's still early days yet. However, I would consider a bereavement counsellor to help you through this time. Be compassionate with yourself & don't be too concerned that your mind is all over the place. From what you describe, I think that would be understandable.

Liz

jcruz

RoseC said:

Thank you all so very much

Thank you, everyone. I'm feeling much better today. I talked with my sister and a couple of good friends. Their words, along with yours, have helped a lot. If things continue, I may look into seeing a professional but for now I'm doing good. No breakdown (or only a 1 day one).

Thanks again,

Rose

Rose

I am so sorry for your loss.  And I am thankful that you feel better today and that you have your sister and friends to talk with.  

I have been seeing a therapist for over 2 years, initialing needing to deal with the grief I felt for the loss of my old pre-cancer self.  I would encourage you to find a therapist even though you feel better.  You may experience more rough periods and as much as your friends and family hold you and help you I think you may benefit from talking with a professional, especially one with a lot of grief counseling experience.

Please let us know how you are doing.  I will be thinking of you and holding you in my heart.

Janet

TraceyUSA

RoseC said:

Thank you all so very much

Thank you, everyone. I'm feeling much better today. I talked with my sister and a couple of good friends. Their words, along with yours, have helped a lot. If things continue, I may look into seeing a professional but for now I'm doing good. No breakdown (or only a 1 day one).

Thanks again,

Rose

Rose

I'm sorry for your loss and glad you are feeling better.  I think all your feelings is valid.  Family relations are very complicated. 

- Tracey

RoseC

Thank you so much everyone

Things are much better - it could be that I just needed an outlet and I thank you all for letting my lean on your shoulders.

Each and every one of your comments meant a great deal to me - I appreciate all of you and will keep your comments and suggestions in mind should things get worse again.