My 4 year Lifeaversary

MAliceR
MAliceR Member Posts: 98
in Colorectal Cancer #1

4 years ago today I was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I heard the words "you have cancer" for the first time. My life has been changed forever by those 3 words. Unfortunately I heard "your cancer is back" a few months after completing the first 8 months of treatment. 
Over the last 4 years, I have had 2 major surgeries, had organs removed, spliced and diced. 3 minor surgeries, 14 months of chemo, lost my hair, had CT scans, PET scans, ultrasounds, blood tests, pretty much just about every kind of test possible. There were days I was so ill I wasn't sure I could make it through the day. I remember lying in bed counting the hours. Telling myself I had just made it through one more hour. I could do this. 
No one goes through aggressive cancer treatments without being changed. People will tell you how strong you are and how much courage you have, but the truth is, I didn't feel any of those things. Honestly at times cancer breaks you. If you want to live, you do whatever it takes to beat it. This isn't bravery, it is simply the will to live. You live in the fight or flight mode every minute of every day. 
Like going into battle, this has its emotional consequences. Even when treatment is over, the fear, nightfrights and PTSD triggers stay with you. Living with cancer becomes your new normal. It is called being a cancer survivor. I struggle with that title. To me being a survivor means you have gotten through something that is over. Cancer is never over. Even if you are fortunate to have had a successful treatment outcome, tests and waiting for results and hoping each twinge and ache or pain you might have isn't a recurrence doesn't end. You live with the "what ifs" for the rest of your life. 
You learn a lot about yourself and others when you have cancer. Things in life you thought mattered no longer do. You learn that if given the chance you will enjoy life every day. You don't wait for tomorrow. You also discover the people in your life that matter. They are the ones who continue to be there for you, embracing you in the hard times and rejoicing with you in the good. You don't have the emotional stamina for people who bring negative drama into your life. You appreciate and value people who enhance your life and meet you halfway. You love deeper and aren't afraid to say I Love You.
So here I sit today 4 years after my initial diagnosis. The last 4 years, if looked at through a cancer lense would seem truly horrible. But that isn't true. During the last 4 years I have retired from a successful career, contracted to teach a professional development program, managed some DIY projects, traveled extensively to Europe, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Washington DC and of course recently Costa Rica. I celebrated my 60th birthday with an amazing adventure. I have rejoiced, sitting in the audience watching/listening to my beautiful daughter sing opera on the European stage. My husband has been by my side through every moment good and not so good and we are embracing life while we have the chance. 
Today is my 4 year lifeaversary. I am still here! I do not know what next week, month or year will bring. But today I am here. I thank God for the opportunity to live today and every day He gives me. I AM ALIVE! Thank You!

Comments

  • sflgirl
    sflgirl Member Posts: 220 Member
    #2
    Thank you for your thoughtful

    Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt note.  You said things I thought I knew but you put it into words.  

    Im very happy for you , the fight you fought and keep fighting and your succes so far.  I hope I can emulate you.

    Blessings,

    Andrea

  • Cathleen Mary
    Cathleen Mary Member Posts: 827 Member
    #3
    sflgirl said:

    Thank you for your thoughtful

    Thank you for your thoughtful and heartfelt note.  You said things I thought I knew but you put it into words.  

    Im very happy for you , the fight you fought and keep fighting and your succes so far.  I hope I can emulate you.

    Blessings,

    Andrea

    Go Alice!  Beautifully said

    Go Alice!  Beautifully said and beautifully lived.  Thank you.

    CM

  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #4
    Great Post!!!

    You really summed things up nicely Alice, we share many of the same thoughts. One comment that I always found strange but I can understand why it's said is "You're so strong/brave/etc." It may appear that way to those who aren't in the cancer club but when one is backed into a corner and the options are #1: give up, or #2: fight it's very easy to be strong (IMO). People can surprise themselves I believe and one's attitude can go a very long way.

    I also believe that cancer can be a mixed blessing. It certainly puts one in touch with their mortality.

    Congrats and here's to many more Lifeaversaries

     

  • Phil64
    Phil64 Member Posts: 838 Member
    #5
    Amen! Well Said. Thank you

    Amen! Well Said. Thank you for sharing. I hope to see my 4 year anniversary in April 2016. 

    And CHEERS to 

    "FOUR MORE YEARS!"

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215 Member
    #6
    Cingratulations on your 4

    Cingratulations on your 4 years. You said it so perfectly. I feel the same way when people say how strong or brave I am and I am an inspiration. I just feel like I have no choice and doing everything I can to survive. And yes cancer has broken me many times as well. Each time its a little harder to put the pieces back together.

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