anyone ever not eat or use pegtube because they are mad at wife?

Ok I never have liked airing dirty laundry but this is life or death so here goes.  My husband Robert diagnosed first part of June tonsil and neck and 3 lymph nodes involved.  Well Robert never has been a big eater and he weighed 129 lbs and 5 11.  They put tube in before treatment started.  He had reaction to first chemo but Dr said it was ok but we had little break after that.  Now we on 7 wks radiation daily chemo 5 and half hrs on weds.  We have 4 weeks left.  Last week he went into radiation bp 89/59. He was very very weak they gave him fluids thru iv for several hours gave him the talk about nutrition and how he needs to drink or put 4 or 5 ensures in tube daily followed by Somme water.  Well for a week or so he did better.  I don't think he ever actually did five but probably most he did I think was 3 daily.  Now that fir me his wife was very scary.  Well he got mad at me yesterday because I put car in shop to get brakes fizzled which is something he would do himself if he wasn't sick.  We aren't rich people we don't have lots of money but I just don't think at this time he needs to be working on the car in the hot south.  Well he got so pissed at me he did the one feeding while he was doing his chemo.  He came home I was at work I asked my friend to come by see if he had done anymore feedings and he said to her he'll no if she can't do what I say I ain't gonna do what she says and he hasn't had feeding since.  I actually called the cancer center and asked the navigator to please make sure his doctor knows about this.  Now okay I know that's bad but I know this is life and death.  She said she has known of other patients doing this.  It is about control.  Well I know I couldn't drive my car to work needing brakes right so I can't let him manipulate me this way.  I just don't know what to do.   I know this is so hard for him.  His tumor is shrinking rapidly we can see that. I feel like we can be cancer free even before long nut if his kidneys fail that wouldn't be good and if he gets too weak they will do a break in his treatments.  I just want my husband to get well stay above ground grow old with me.  Then he can be his old ornery self again as long as he is well I can handle him walk away fuss back but with him so sick I so worried.  Please I hope someone can advise me.  Thanks


  • phrannie51
    phrannie51 Member Posts: 4,716
    Wow nanna....he IS being a..

    stinker to the n'th degree!  Basically he's saying "I'm pissed at you, so I'm going to kill myself!"....You're being perfectly reasonable, he is not....I know you know that, but sometimes validation feels good.

    You did the exact right thing....told on him to his medical team.  The simple fact is they don't care why he's mad, or IF he's mad....if he isn't going to take in nutrition via his tube, they will slap him in the hospital and "feed" him via a needle in his arm....Now he might be mad at you all through treatment, but when it's all said and done...he'll thank you for hanging in there. 


  • CivilMatt
    CivilMatt Member Posts: 4,722 Member
    tough days are the longest


    He could not have picked a worse time to stop nutrition and hydration, it is really the only two things required of the patient at this stage and each of them can take work.  You are very correct to notify his team, they need to know what is going on and as P51 said they can always do it at the hospital and that is where he will end up if he does not get enough nutrition or hydration.  Believe it or not as miserable as treatment is going through it dehydrated and hungry are even worse.  

    Tell him that this is just temporary that the sun will shine again and things will be better.  He is lucky to have someone as resourceful as you; surely he wasn’t going to work on the brakes himself.  For many of us treatment was a day to day battle and you need to give it your all.

    We are all pulling for both of you to be successful in this quest to kill the monster and to go on with your life where he can fix the brakes on future cars.

    Truly the best of luck.


  • jackflash22
    jackflash22 Member Posts: 524 Member
    Tough love

    I can't believe he's using his illness to get back at you, that's almost blackmail. When someone is is difficult as that your going to have to be tough and let him and the hospital get on with it. I can feel you hurting with the illness and money worries and on top of that him being nasty to you. Being ill is no excuse for taking it out to that degree of threatening to stop eating. Leave him to it, phone the hospital and tell them what he doing. He doesnt want to kill himself he wants you to feel bad even the car is probably an excuse because he wants you to suffer as much as him. I've been through head and neck B of T, and know how bad the 'cure' is. I've been in terrible pain and sickness with bowel cancer but never have I used  not feeding myself as a punishment. I would never make my carer feel bad. You don't have to **** foot around someone cos they're are ill, be  sympathetic, do what you can but don't make yourself ill over it. Walk away when he's grumpy, he'll soon realise what he's doing. This is called tough love but sometimes it works. 

  • MrsBD
    MrsBD Member Posts: 615 Member

    It is extremely frustrating for most of us to give up control of our lives to this beast of a disease known as cancer. At the lowest point, all we do control is whether to eat. Unfortunately, your husband directed his frustration at you even though he is the one who will ultimately pay the price with more pain and a longer recovery. You did the right thing. We hopefully have to deal with cancer only once. The cancer center staff has the experience to know how to handle these situations.  I hope today was a better day for you.

  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    nannah, remind him that his

    nannah, remind him that his silliness can make him end up in the hospital and there he will have even less control.  it is a bad situation and I'm sorry you're going through this.  i pray your hubby uses his common sense before he ends up in hospital!

    God bless you,


  • wmc
    wmc Member Posts: 1,804
    You did the right thing to tell them.

    Yes you did what had to be done. He feels he is no longer in control and that scares him more than you will ever know. Like everyone said, this is the time he needs it most to fight. Has to stay hydrated and get nutrision in him or they will feed him with an IV. I think it is not so much as you had the breaks fixed, as he could not do it. He is reacting as part of his manhood is gone, and this is not the time for that. He needs to remember after he beats this, and he needs to eat to beat it, then he can do the things he feels he needs to. For now he just needs to fight like hell to win this fight and eating and keeping hydrated is necessary to do that. You did the right thing to tell the doctors as they need to know, and will watch him and how he reacts. Getting mad and  refusing to take the nutrition might only be a sign he got mad, but it might be worse and is giving up. Keep the doctors informed, he can get mad after he beats this. You need to take a big deep breath and try to get some rest, yes, it is hard on you as well. Thoughts and prayers.


  • avisemi
    avisemi Member Posts: 172
    So sorry for you. On top of

    So sorry for you. On top of all you are dealing with. I hope he is eating again. whenever Dima did not want to do something the doctor told him, I would tell the doctor. That way the doctor himself would tell him to do it and check on him weekly about it. 

    People react differently in hard situations like this. What your husband is doing is wrong and horrible but try to see it with grace. Sometimes out emotions make us do silly things.