Planning a wedding while Dad has Cancer

dadsbattlingcancer

Hi There -

I recently got engaged (age 31) and was busy choosing a date to get married in Spring 2016 when my father very suddenly was diagnosed with Stage 4 EC about a week ago. It's in his liver, lymphnodes, and lungs as well as his esophagus. He just had his first cycle of chemo on Friday and was luckily eligible to receive Herceptin as he had high Her2 markers. His doctor said the median survival rate is 8-12 months. I'm afraid to hope for longer.

My question feels selfish as I am still trying to wrap my mind around all of this - I am not sure if my dad will even be around for a wedding now. I don't know if I should completely derail my plans due to the fact that he may be too sick to be there anyway. I also feel like I need to live my life and be able to have something to look forward to - and maybe it will inspire him to keep fighting as well. The wedding is for my partner and I to celebrate our love, but it suddenly all feels quite overshadowed by my father's illness.

Has any other caregiver dealt with planning something like this at the same time as supporting a cancer patient? How do you even make plans when everything seems so up in the air? We won't know if the chemo/herceptin is even working for at least another two cycles (at 3 weeks each). 

How do I balance living my own life and building a future with my spouse-to-be and trying to cherish every last moment I can have with my Dad?

Thanks in advance for any wisdom you can share...

LorettaMarshall

Advice from a Stage IV Cancer patient

 

Dear Daughter of a Dad that’s battling cancer

 

My heart goes out to you and I feel compelled to answer from the viewpoint of a Stage IV Ovarian Cancer patient, presently undergoing chemotherapy of Carboplatin and Taxol.  My cancer was first discovered in November of 2012.  Many on this link will know who I am because my husband is William W. Marshall.  He was diagnosed with Stage III (T3N1M0) Esophageal Cancer in 2002.  He just had a PET/CT Scan that indicated he is still cancer free, and is entering his 14^th year of survival. 

 

 

First, let me say that as a realist, when one reads the survival statistics, they are indeed dire.  For anyone who cares to read them, they are located on this ACS link - http://www.cancer.org/cancer/esophaguscancer/detailedguide/esophagus-cancer-key-statistics

 

Secondly, a “second opinion” is always a good thing to have.  However, I appreciate a surgeon who is truthful about the prognosis of his patients, after thorough testing has been done.  Moreover, it is good that they have included Herceptin for your Dad.  It definitely helps to curtail that overactive cell that multiplies more rapidly than other cells.  Anyone not familiar with “Herceptin” might be interested in this link: 

 

http://www.biooncology.com/biological-pathways/her-signaling

 

Thirdly, I will say that each person responds to their chemo and/or radiation treatments differently.  Some sail through with hardly a problem, while others wonder if they will make it through the treatments.  In that regard, I will tell you that we have a friend who is in her 4^th year of being a Stage IV Esophageal Cancer patient.  She only recently gave up her vocation as an Obstetrician.  You may hear from some others on this site, who have been diagnosed with Stage IV and are living much longer than their doctor’s first predicted.  By the grace of God, I am still living.  Yes the second round of chemo is once more making me weak but tumor markers are decreasing, and that holds promise of a better tomorrow, although the diagnosis is terminal.  And yes, once more, I’ve lost all my hair, but hair doesn’t make the woman.  It’s what is in our heart that makes us who we are.  Naturally, I want to be around for my adult children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Oh, did I say, I am 76, and as the wife of an Esophageal Cancer patient, a mother and a cancer patient myself, I feel qualified to offer some advice?  I’m an outspoken person and have been known to offer advice even when it wasn’t asked for.  But in this instance, you have asked, and I felt I just had to suggest some things for you to think about.  My heart goes out to you, and I know from experience how devastating this diagnosis is for you.  After you pick your heart up off the floor, your whole world changes, believe me. 

 

Have you told your dad how you feel?  Do you think your Dad would agree that you not proceed with your wedding plans?  Would that make him happy or sad?  I think I know the answer.  And please don’t let others make up your mind for you.  You have to live with the decisions that you make.  So in that sense, you might wish to ignore my advice as well. 

 

First and foremost, you are wrestling with mixed emotions and that is understandable.  But let me say, you are not selfish.  You have indicated that you are willing to put your life’s plans “on hold” just to be there for your father.  That certainly doesn’t’ seem selfish to me.  Please don’t beat yourself up with a “guilty conscience”, as though you have no right to happiness while your Dad is so sick.   Granted you and all your family members are sad. 

 

Most fathers want nothing more than to see their daughters grow up to be happy and successful.  In your case, marriage is something you have been planning, and I’m sure your Dad is looking forward to walking you down the aisle.  Yes, now what was once only joyous wedding plans will now have to include the possibility that Dad will be too sick to have the honor of giving his daughter’s hand in marriage.  But…on the other hand…you don’t know how Dad will respond to the treatments.  While the diagnosis is Stage IV, that doesn’t mean that he won’t beat the odds and live much longer.  That would be a blessing for all.  But in my opinion, nothing would make him happier than to see you continue with your plans. 

 

And yes, a positive attitude serves everyone well.  If anything, it would give Dad the incentive to not give up the fight as soon as he has received the diagnosis.  I would think that looking forward to your wedding day would be another reason for him to “hope”.  Most doctors are quick to say that while the statistics are not good for any given diagnosis, they also say, “We’re not God and can’t say for sure.  It is just our professional opinion.”   So dear daughter, why not “hope for longer” and proceed with your wedding plans?

 

 

  I don’t know your dad, obviously, but I would say that he would be the “happiest” if you would continue with your wedding plans, and not let his illness keep you from making a new life with the one you love so dearly.

 

 

I can tell you that my husband and I have raised four grandchildren.  My granddaughter is 24.  Although she isn’t planning a wedding presently, nothing would make me sadder than to know that she had “put off” starting out a new life with one she loves, just because I have a Stage IV diagnosis.  We parents want to see our children make good decisions and be happy.  Likewise, I feel your dad would have the same sentiments as do I.  Most likely, proceeding with your plans would make him the happiest Dad.  Dare to hope for a longer time with your dad than the 8 to 12 months.   There is no denying that some days will be better than others.  When times are especially hard, your hopes will be dashed, and when he shows a good response, as we pray he will, your spirits will be lifted.  So you may as well be prepared for “highs and lows” as the days advance.  Granted you are in a difficult situation, but try your best to “keep hope alive.”  No, life won’t ever be the same again because you never want to say goodbye to someone you love so dearly.  But from my standpoint, God only gives us one day at a time.  We can’t relive yesterday, and we certainly don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  So the day at hand is the day we are to make the most of. 

 

If possible, could the wedding date be put forward rather than wait for the Spring of 2016?   But then again I’m not the mother of the bride.  I’m just a mother and a terminal Ovarian Cancer patient speaking to you from my heart.  Incidentally, my husband agrees whole-heartedly.  Hope this helps and I hope wedding bells will be ringing for you soon.  And I pray that your Dad will surprise all of you, and live much longer than you would have ever imagined. 

 

Loretta

paul61

What would your Dad want?

I am so sorry that you find yourself here, and that your Dad is in this struggle. As an esophageal survivor I can tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with Loretta. I am sure if you were to ask your Dad what he wants you to do he would say that he wants you to continue with your plans.

When I was in treatment for my cancer, one of the things that I found difficult was that all that was “normal” seemed to disappear. People treated me differently and seemed to stop talking about day to day things that we enjoyed. I would wake up in the morning and for just a few seconds I would feel like my old self again until I remembered that I had cancer and today was going to be another one of “those days”.,

Give your Dad the gift or “normalcy” and the enjoyment of watching you plan your wedding as a welcome distraction from the difficult situation he is in.

As for the estimate of life expectancy given by your Dad’s oncologist, I can tell you that after five years of reading and posting on this forum that these statistical projections are very seldom right. Survivors that have a positive outlook, a strong medical and family support system, and a will to achieve a goal, seem to outlast those projections over and over again.

 

Best Regards,

Paul Adams

McCormick, South Carolina
DX 10/2009 T2N1M0  Stage IIB - Ivor Lewis Surgery  12/3/2009 - Post Surgery Chemotherapy 2/2009 – 6/2009
Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU - Five Year Survivor

 

 

dadsbattlingcancer

paul61 said:

What would your Dad want?

I am so sorry that you find yourself here, and that your Dad is in this struggle. As an esophageal survivor I can tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with Loretta. I am sure if you were to ask your Dad what he wants you to do he would say that he wants you to continue with your plans.

When I was in treatment for my cancer, one of the things that I found difficult was that all that was “normal” seemed to disappear. People treated me differently and seemed to stop talking about day to day things that we enjoyed. I would wake up in the morning and for just a few seconds I would feel like my old self again until I remembered that I had cancer and today was going to be another one of “those days”.,

Give your Dad the gift or “normalcy” and the enjoyment of watching you plan your wedding as a welcome distraction from the difficult situation he is in.

As for the estimate of life expectancy given by your Dad’s oncologist, I can tell you that after five years of reading and posting on this forum that these statistical projections are very seldom right. Survivors that have a positive outlook, a strong medical and family support system, and a will to achieve a goal, seem to outlast those projections over and over again.

 

Best Regards,

Paul Adams

McCormick, South Carolina
DX 10/2009 T2N1M0  Stage IIB - Ivor Lewis Surgery  12/3/2009 - Post Surgery Chemotherapy 2/2009 – 6/2009
Cisplatin, Epirubicin, 5 FU - Five Year Survivor

 

 

THANK YOU

I just want to thank both of you so much for taking the time to offer your thoughts and support. As the reality has sunk in a bit more, that same sentiment has as well - I've got to live my life and give myself something to celebrate - and maybe also give Dad something to look forward to. 

My wife-to-be and I are meeting with a wedding planner tonight to look into dates and locations that might make sense for a wedding a bit earlier than we were expecting, but still on the scale and enthusiasm that we had always hoped for. 

Our current contingency is that after he's gone through a few rounds of chemo and is re-tested, we'll see if the progress is going well and adjust accordingly. If G-d forbid he isn't responding to the chemo, then we will do something small and intimate with just our parents for the actual wedding - and then still throw one heckuva party to celebrate our love with all those who will continue to be in our lives long past my father's passing. 

I'm just so touched by the kindness of this forum and to both Paul and Loretta for your words of encouragement and validation. I'm SO grateful to you!!!

Love,

Janelle