Scared and depressed

hopeful1973

I'm 41 and been diagnosed with stage 4 cervical cancer that spread into my spine and liver. I've already been threw 23 radiation treatments and I'm getting ready for my 4th chemo treatment. I've lost my hair, and these treatments have put me into menopause. Like hot flashes isn't enough to deal with. I've been married for 22 yrs and my husband stressed. He tells me a lot that I'm not the only one dealing with this and I should be more understanding. But I'm angry and tend to lash out at him. So I'm working on that. I cry every time I'm alone. I don't leave the house because I feel embarrassed because of my appearance, which sounds totally vain I know. My doctor tells me my treatments are about quality of life.. really what does that mean. It's sounds like he has no hope. I don't know what to do. I don't want to talk to my husband, he's far to stressed out and I don't want to cry.He works 7 days a week now because I no longer work. I just pretend and smile all day for his sake. What do I do?

AllisonTaylor

I feel the same

First of all, I just want to say I am sorry for what you are going through. No one deserves this ever. 

On another note, I had a bialterial masecomy in the past year so I can relate to the stress and emotions that you seem to feel building up. My biggest troubles then and even some times now are dealing the expression of my emotions. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years and he has been super helpful for the most part. However, there are definitely times when I feel like he is just so sick of me. He seems to daze off when I am talking about my problems and leaves the room if I ever lash out. I hope he knows that I love him and don't want to hurt him, but I really need the help and support, especially now. I'm sorry that this is more me telling you about my problems than offering you solutions, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.

Also, congradulations on your long marriage. I know this is a little but off topic, but I am scared that my boyfriend is going to get sick of my problems and leave. I really don't know what I would do since my mom died of breast cancer just a year ago and my dad is super fragile.

If anyone has any advice or things that worked for them, please send it my way. I could really use some help with all of this. 

bobbikey

Ditto

I know EXACTLY what you mean! You are allowed to have every single emotion you mentioned. Sadly, we are dying, and we are going to go through every stage of mourning that we would if someone close to us had passed away. Yes, your husband is going through it also, but he's not sick on top of it. Don't forget, that medicinal treatment for depression is just as important as chemo and radiation. More importantly, DON'T GIVE UP! Our fight isn't over until we are gone. I wish this disease wasn't so isolating. Even worse, we isolate ourselves. It's a vicious catch-22. I'm usually to tired or am in to much pain to go out. Usually I only go when i have a doctors appointment, but I make the best of it. I put on a hat & some makeup. Do my chemo (I can't do any more radiation) then go to dinner or do a little shopping before going home. Just to feel some normalcy in my life. Sometimes I don't want to do it, but make myself. I've tried to just sit out on the porch with a cup of tea and a blanket, but I can't motivate myself to get up some days. An open window is almost as good. Almost. This may sound crazy, but try a new (or old) hobby. I finally taught myself to knit. It took YouTube and a LOT of pauses & rewinds, but I figured it out. There are also bunches of coloring books just for grownups. It may sound silly, but mindlessly coloring away is another moment you're not thinking about the bad things going on right now. I know none of this changes our disease or lives, but just for a moment, we are allowed to be a tiny bit happier. I hope this helps in some small way. Bright blessings, Bobbi