May I vent? Mother in Law is driving me nuts!

fuchsiasky

May I rant?  I really need to vent.  I am finding myself getting increasingly frustrated with my mother in law.  She is my co-cargiver and is very involved in my husband’s care.  She is an amazing woman and I couldn’t do this without her.  She is also driving me kinda nuts.  Oh let me count the ways….

 My husband has some pretty specific med requirements.  He cannot have NSAID’s at all or his stomach bleeds.  But his mom brings them to him!  He has a cold and she brought him Advil Cold.  That is Ibuprophen!  I say it and say it but it doesn’t stick.  There are so many times that they have gone to the doctor and gotten meds and brought them home only to have me remind them that he can’t take them.  And then they have to go back.  She is the one who sits through every appointment taking notes, but she doesn’t take notes on what I say. 

 

 And the food.  Hubby can’t eat certain things.  Does she check the labels?  Nope.  She brought him a whole case of msg soup that he can’t eat.  He hasn’t been able to eat msg in years and she still doesn’t check!  Yet his brother who has allergies is never handed something that will hurt him.   I don’t know if there is something wrong with her memory, but this is crazy. 

 

 And finally, the looks and the sadness.  She has no hope or joy anymore.  She looks at my husband and nearly cries every time.  It is so hard to be around.  She is treating him like he is dead already.  And I am trying so hard to gather the strength to support my husband through his death and all she can say is how bad it will be.  She cared for her dad when he was dying so knows (or thinks she knows) what is to come.  And every time she looks at him she sees his future pain.  And if I say anything she just shoots it down and tells me how hard it will be.  (I got through the leg resection and recovers, I know I can do the dying part.  “Oh no, it will be so much worse, you have no idea”.)  How is this helpful to me?  To tell me how the future is the worst thing that is about to happen to me.  I am trying to stay positive.  I am trying to compartmentalize.  I am trying to look forward to a someday having a  future without as much vomit!  (She only told me that I should expect a whole lot more vomit to come.)  Talking to her makes me want to run away and hide. 

 

 And she isn’t seeking help for herself.  She needs counselling.  She needs support.  But she is full of excuses to not do it.  I think she is waiting until he dies and then she will fall apart.  But no one will be there to help her then cause we will all be falling apart.  I am very worried for her future.  This might break her and I won’t be able to do anything to help her, because I will be taking care of my and my 6 year old. 

 

 Whew. 

 

 Thank you for letting me rant.  I don’t have anyone I can say any of this to.  It feels good to get it out.  I can’t not have her around and she is amazing in so many ways.  But sometimes she just makes it all so much harder.   Which is crazy because what could be harder than losing your husband to cancer?

 

grandmafay

Venting

i rarely come here now. I was my husband's sole caregiver for 6 years until his death in 2009. Care giving is tough. We all need to vent. This is a good place to vent because here you have people who understand where you are coming from. we each have something or someone that drives us crazy. Hang in there. This is a roller coaster ride that none of us wanted. Take care, Fay

Hussy

Sorry to hear that your MIL

Sorry to hear that your MIL is giving you a run for your money.  The food thing -- just let it ride.  My MIL routinely brings over stuff my husband can't eat (like the last time, when he asked for Gatorade and she brought him...Junior Mints.  Go figure.) and we just trash it.  My husband knows what he can and can't eat and we don't waste our time trying to convince his mother otherwise.  If she wants to waste her money on stuff he can't eat, so be it.  The drama thing -- my husband told my MIL in no uncertain terms to stop with the drama or she can't visit.  He told her it upsets him.  (It also upsets me, but it was more powerful for mama to hear that she was hurting her boy than her daughter-in-law lol.)  Finally, some tough love: if your mother doesn't want to get help, that's on her.  You have your husband and child to think about it.  I don't want to sound harsh, but cancer really makes some things very simple.  Boundaries we wouldn't dream of setting in "normal" circumstances suddenly seem easy to set and enforce.  Best of luck and of course continue to vent all your like