Mom has stage 4 breast cancer

HistoryChef101

My mom was diagnosed (4 years after getting stage 2 and being in remission), 1 week ago with stage 4 metastatic breast Cancer. She is incredibly positive and my Dad has a postive outlook, too. I called my sister, who lives on the other side of the country than me, and as soon as she answered she just started sobbing. I didn't cry much until I heard her sobs, then the flood gates opened. We just kept saying "it's Mom" and "this can't be really happening" and "I love you". I think I'm still in shock. My mom is 64 and I'm 32 and I can't imagine living in a world that she doesn't. How do I process this? How do I ask how she is without hovering or pestering her? How do I have the right to emotionally be not his crazy roller coaster ride when she and my Dad seem okay? What can I do for her?

yamster34

I was one of  my mom's

I was one of  my mom's caregivers when she had breast cancer. She had a positive attitude through it as well. She is a survivor! I am 44 years old and, on September 13, 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. My diagnosis has been easier on me than my mom's was. It is harder to watch someone we love going thru something like this because we feel helpless. My diagnosis is harder on my family than it is on me. I think the best thing you can do is talk to your mom about her feelings and yours,  and what she needs your help on. It may be easier on you if you understand why she and your dad have such a positive attitude. Feel free to discuss the options with her and try to understand the things she goes thru during this time. It helped me to look up information online and ask her doctors questions. I took my mom to most of her appointments and it helped me to be involved in her treatment. I will be praying for you and your family!

Best wishes,

Amy

MrsBob

So sorry about your mom's new

So sorry about your mom's new diagnosis.

I am also stage 4. It's very treatable. My Onc said although there's no cure, it's more like treating a disease. Health problems like diabetes can be deadly unless treated, cancer is kinda like that. There are so many great meds out there and new ones all the time. I hope your mom can get the right meds and lives a long time

I like the response above mine. Talk to your mom and dad and try to go to the visits. 

Missy

New Flower

MrsBob said:

So sorry about your mom's new

So sorry about your mom's new diagnosis.

I am also stage 4. It's very treatable. My Onc said although there's no cure, it's more like treating a disease. Health problems like diabetes can be deadly unless treated, cancer is kinda like that. There are so many great meds out there and new ones all the time. I hope your mom can get the right meds and lives a long time

I like the response above mine. Talk to your mom and dad and try to go to the visits. 

Missy

Hi I am stage 4 too

hi I am 53 and stage 4 too ,diagnosed 3 years ago. Write her an email, card, or send a little plant. You do not want to give impression that you do not have hope. See if she or your dad can explain what her doctor said. Probably doctor fes very optimistic so your parents. crying is not helpful to her, call you you ready to keep conversation.

best to you and led us posted

camul

I to am stage 4
It is definitely harder on my family than me. At first I was given 3-6 months. That will be 5 years ago September. THE treatments have not been easy, but much better than in 2002 when I was diagnosed with bc. 8 years lapsed when it came back stage 4 at 52.
Sometimes are rough, but remember doctors only go by what the have seen and statistics as to how long we may be here.
2 years ago, my onco insisted it was time for hospice. I was almost there.... not me. I got a.New onco who tried a different hormone blocker and am still living!
We have new chemo and better nausea meds. She hasn't given up and sounds like your mom is quite hopeful. Positivity is a big part of the battle.
I am now 57 and with boys 29 and 31. It really is harder on them than on me most BBC of the time bcuz I know how I am feeling. We had 2 lovely women who made it close to 20 years stage 4. That has given me so much hope!
I wish you and your family the best!

RozHopkins

Sorry your mum has a

Sorry your mum has a reoccurrence.  Always a shock as you and her have been there before.  But I think your parents sound like they are very close which means they are being strong for each other and you.  They will draw strength from each other and probably hope you will react the same way so they don't have to worry about you worrying about them.  They are doing this because they want to protect you.  So try and be positive and visit when it is a good time for her, ask all your questions with as little distress as possible.  Tell them you love them both very much and ask what you can do to help in any way, if they need you to tell you and you will be there for them immediately.  This is what they want to hear rather than floods of tears which will shake their confidence.  The other ladies who have had the same stage are right.  The advanced stages can often be kept under control, trial and error with the medication, so fingers crossed.  Keep an eye on your father too while going on as people forget about the carer or partners health especially when getting older themselves.  They are lucky to have children like you who care so much, good luck and keep strong.

button2

You got some wonderful

You got some wonderful replies. I agree with all the ladies and would like to add two things. I think you should tell your mom that your sister and you cried and got upset at first hearing the news. Just add that you are both rallying and willing to help in any way you can. You don't want her to think that you don't realize what's going on. After that, just keep in touch in a positive way and visit often, helping with housework and anything else she needs. Also, if I were to have daughters in their thirties, I would get peace of mind knowing that they were taking care of their own health, watching cholesterol, yearly pap tests etc.  When your doctor thinks you should start mammograms/ultrasound, definitely do them and show the good results to your mother. When my daughter is old enough, this will bring me peace of mind.

CAClark

My heart and prayers go out to you...

My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 1992. She was 48 (one year younger than I am now) and I was 26. I lived in California and she lived in Tennessee. All of our communication during this time was through long distant phone calls. Lots and lots of phone calls. Several +  times a day, sometimes. I worked in an acute hospital as a C.N.A. and as far as my mom was concerned, I might as well have been an M.D.!! I took that seriously. I talked with her Dr. and her Dr's. nurses and then relayed information to her. I studied in the hospitals library (pre-internet) and learned as much as I could about her disease and diagnosis as I understood it. I had her Dr. send me her medical records and xrays and showed them to one of the Surgeons who I worked with and respected. After looking over all of her medical information, he drew a line on a piece of paper and put 11 dashes through it, spanning from the beginning of the line to the end. He said, "if this dash is 0-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-10 and it represents years.......", then he made a mark between the 2nd and 3rd dash (meaning 1 to 2 years). They found metastases in 5 of the 7 lymph nodes.. removed them and her right breast. Two years later they removed her left breast. Everything I read and heard said that she wouldn't live beyond 6 years at most. More often than not, everything I read told me that she most likely wouldn't live past 2 years, but I told her otherwise. I was devastated and discouraged but I never let her know that. I told her about the cases I read about, where people survived for 20 to 30 years and ONLY about those cases!!! That was 23 years ago. My mom is nearing her 72nd birthday and she hasn't died from breast cancer. I believe it has a lot to do with mind over matter..  "Cogito ergo sum", "I think, therefore I am". Don't lose hope and more importantly, don't let her lose hope. There are ways and miracles and mysteries and wonderful things that happen in this world everyday. God bless you and your family and good luck!!

 

artistatheart

camul said:

I to am stage 4
It is definitely harder on my family than me. At first I was given 3-6 months. That will be 5 years ago September. THE treatments have not been easy, but much better than in 2002 when I was diagnosed with bc. 8 years lapsed when it came back stage 4 at 52.
Sometimes are rough, but remember doctors only go by what the have seen and statistics as to how long we may be here.
2 years ago, my onco insisted it was time for hospice. I was almost there.... not me. I got a.New onco who tried a different hormone blocker and am still living!
We have new chemo and better nausea meds. She hasn't given up and sounds like your mom is quite hopeful. Positivity is a big part of the battle.
I am now 57 and with boys 29 and 31. It really is harder on them than on me most BBC of the time bcuz I know how I am feeling. We had 2 lovely women who made it close to 20 years stage 4. That has given me so much hope!
I wish you and your family the best!

Positive stories sooth my soul

Thank you camul and every other woman who post things to hang on to. I was just diagnosed BD in July and Stage 4 on Monday and am having a very hard time. These blogs and postings are my lifeline right now. My family is wonderful but I need hope and encouragment more than anything right now. My oncologist seemed "resigned" which was disturbing. I am getting a second opinion at a university next week. I hope they are a little more encouraging as well.....

artistatheart

CAClark said:

My heart and prayers go out to you...

My mom was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer in 1992. She was 48 (one year younger than I am now) and I was 26. I lived in California and she lived in Tennessee. All of our communication during this time was through long distant phone calls. Lots and lots of phone calls. Several +  times a day, sometimes. I worked in an acute hospital as a C.N.A. and as far as my mom was concerned, I might as well have been an M.D.!! I took that seriously. I talked with her Dr. and her Dr's. nurses and then relayed information to her. I studied in the hospitals library (pre-internet) and learned as much as I could about her disease and diagnosis as I understood it. I had her Dr. send me her medical records and xrays and showed them to one of the Surgeons who I worked with and respected. After looking over all of her medical information, he drew a line on a piece of paper and put 11 dashes through it, spanning from the beginning of the line to the end. He said, "if this dash is 0-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-10 and it represents years.......", then he made a mark between the 2nd and 3rd dash (meaning 1 to 2 years). They found metastases in 5 of the 7 lymph nodes.. removed them and her right breast. Two years later they removed her left breast. Everything I read and heard said that she wouldn't live beyond 6 years at most. More often than not, everything I read told me that she most likely wouldn't live past 2 years, but I told her otherwise. I was devastated and discouraged but I never let her know that. I told her about the cases I read about, where people survived for 20 to 30 years and ONLY about those cases!!! That was 23 years ago. My mom is nearing her 72nd birthday and she hasn't died from breast cancer. I believe it has a lot to do with mind over matter..  "Cogito ergo sum", "I think, therefore I am". Don't lose hope and more importantly, don't let her lose hope. There are ways and miracles and mysteries and wonderful things that happen in this world everyday. God bless you and your family and good luck!!

 

Finding strength from survivor stories

Thank you so much for that. I need every thread I can hang onto right now. I have way too many things to do to sucumb to this disease. May God continue to bless you and your Mom!