My wife is dying and having a hard time

koldjin

Hello recently we were given the terrible news that my wife has cancer and this time it is a fight she can not win. This is her second battle with the first one ending good so we thought. That time it was cervical cancer. This time it has spread and is in many parts of her body including her vertabrae. My issue is I am having a very rough time with this as I'm sure she is. I try to stay positive but its so hard to do. She is going to do a triple chemo to try to extend her life so she can see our son graduate high school. I just don't think she knows how hard this will be on her. And thats to even say it helps. From the doctors we talked to it may make it worse. So anyone out there that can help me I would really appericate it as I feel like I'm losing my mind. Going over all the possiblities of what could/will happen. I know it doesn't get easier but you beging to wonder if you will ever get any kind of relief. I don't want to lose her but I know I will and it saddens me every day. Is there a trick or something I can do for myself to help me stay strong for her

Ladylacy

Your wife

So sorry to hear about your wife.  I am going thru the same thing with my husband.  When his second primary came back and spread to his lungs, the only thing offered was chemo and we were told up front that it would only prolong but could possibly hasten his time.  My husband had already decided enough was enough and declined all further treatment.  He had been thru 75 rounds of radiation, 10 rounds of chemo and surgery.

It is hard and it gets harder as they decline.  Just remember that no one knows how long we have but the man upstairs.  My husband has been on in-home hospice since September 2013 but is now declining.  He looks like a walking skelton, has confusion -- like yesterday he was calling me by his sister's name and telling me that he had not been fed, but had been.  Thankfully his pain is not bad and controlled with medication and they have him on medication for anxiety.  I don't know what is keeping him here, it is as though there is something unfinished for him but he won't tell me what.  It is hard to watch and very draining on me or any caregiver for that matter.  While I'm not ready to lose him, on the other hand I wish he could just give in because he would be at peace.  Sometimes things get to me and I just scream.  I'm not mad at him, I'm mad at the situation.  Get some medication for your nerves and take care of yourself.

Wishing you and your wife peace and comfort.

mbeaulieu

I am so sorry you are going

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I went through the same thing, but I was the daughter (it was my mom who had cancer).  We knew it was terminal from the beginning but with chemo and clinical trials we were able to extend her life to 2 years.  She passed away at the age of 58.  In those two years we experienced SO much together such as trips and amazing quality time.  I guess that is what kept me, my brother and dad going... It isnt an easy road, especially when they are so young.  By the sounds of it, she is, as you stated your son is graduating high school.  Similar to that, I didnt want to get married without my mom being there, so my husband and I planned our wedding in 2 months when we knew things were going down hill.  I got married on Oct 25/2014 and she passed away on Nov 21/2014, but she made it, just like I know your wife will for your sons graduation  I found talking to people going through similar situations really helped me too.  Also, I always just took things one day at a time... that mental awareness really helped me.  I also took a better hold of my own health - quit smoking, worked out more and changed my eating habits and those things made her extremely happy... she was actually very peaceful near the end and that also made me feel as good as I could in this horrible situation.

I truly wish you all the best, and always pray for those miracles... they do happen!

AlleashaW

mbeaulieu said:

I am so sorry you are going

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I went through the same thing, but I was the daughter (it was my mom who had cancer).  We knew it was terminal from the beginning but with chemo and clinical trials we were able to extend her life to 2 years.  She passed away at the age of 58.  In those two years we experienced SO much together such as trips and amazing quality time.  I guess that is what kept me, my brother and dad going... It isnt an easy road, especially when they are so young.  By the sounds of it, she is, as you stated your son is graduating high school.  Similar to that, I didnt want to get married without my mom being there, so my husband and I planned our wedding in 2 months when we knew things were going down hill.  I got married on Oct 25/2014 and she passed away on Nov 21/2014, but she made it, just like I know your wife will for your sons graduation  I found talking to people going through similar situations really helped me too.  Also, I always just took things one day at a time... that mental awareness really helped me.  I also took a better hold of my own health - quit smoking, worked out more and changed my eating habits and those things made her extremely happy... she was actually very peaceful near the end and that also made me feel as good as I could in this horrible situation.

I truly wish you all the best, and always pray for those miracles... they do happen!

Thank you for words of encouragement

I want to thank you for your words of encouragement, mbeaulieu.

My Mother has terminal cancer, and being her caregiver can be a roller coaster of emotion. We just had hospice come in yesterday so naturally I am extremely anxious. Fortunately, My Mother is very happy. She has such an amazing outlook and attitude about the whole situation. It is so inspiring. 

mbeaulieu

AlleashaW said:

Thank you for words of encouragement

I want to thank you for your words of encouragement, mbeaulieu.

My Mother has terminal cancer, and being her caregiver can be a roller coaster of emotion. We just had hospice come in yesterday so naturally I am extremely anxious. Fortunately, My Mother is very happy. She has such an amazing outlook and attitude about the whole situation. It is so inspiring. 

I am sorry to hear about your

I am sorry to hear about your mom Alleasha.  Hospice was wonderful for us.  They were so caring and very special people.  We did in home hospice first, then we moved into a home for my moms last 2 weeks of life.  There, she was able to get the wonderful care she deserved.

I hope you can still make time for yourself during this rollercoaster.  I know it is hard and I did a very bad job at this.

Take care.

Michelle

koldjin

update

We recently had a second opinion given to us and it is what we feared. The doctor said that he would treat my wife who is now classified as stage IVb cervical cancer. But he said the end result would be exactly the same. Now it is all about the quality of life that she wants to live. The new chemo has about a 10% success rate, but not a success rate that cures her. It could also very likely shorten her life. I think we are going to do supportive care because he said that will give her the best quality of life and the most amount of time. No matter what we do the stupid cancer keeps spreading and we can't stop it. Thanks for letting me vent

Ladylacy

koldjin said:

update

We recently had a second opinion given to us and it is what we feared. The doctor said that he would treat my wife who is now classified as stage IVb cervical cancer. But he said the end result would be exactly the same. Now it is all about the quality of life that she wants to live. The new chemo has about a 10% success rate, but not a success rate that cures her. It could also very likely shorten her life. I think we are going to do supportive care because he said that will give her the best quality of life and the most amount of time. No matter what we do the stupid cancer keeps spreading and we can't stop it. Thanks for letting me vent

Your wife

We were told the same thing when my husband's cancer reoccurred and spread.  He chose no more treatment and in July 2015 he passed away after 3 years (he had been fighting cancer since July 2010).  He did well for about 2 years and then the decline started.

It will be hard on both of you.  Be sure to take care of yourself too because during this journey you are important too.   When hospice is needed do it, but don't do it until the need is there.   I regret so much my husband going on hospice too soon and sometimes feel it hurt rather than helped, and by that I mean his mental status.  Don't get me wrong, hospice was great and we had great nurses, I just feel he went on it too early and even the nurses thought so.  We did in-home hospice and he passed away at home.  He didn't want to go in-patient hospice and I promised him he wouldn't.   

Wishing you both peace and comfort -- Sharon

koldjin

Ladylacy said:

Your wife

We were told the same thing when my husband's cancer reoccurred and spread.  He chose no more treatment and in July 2015 he passed away after 3 years (he had been fighting cancer since July 2010).  He did well for about 2 years and then the decline started.

It will be hard on both of you.  Be sure to take care of yourself too because during this journey you are important too.   When hospice is needed do it, but don't do it until the need is there.   I regret so much my husband going on hospice too soon and sometimes feel it hurt rather than helped, and by that I mean his mental status.  Don't get me wrong, hospice was great and we had great nurses, I just feel he went on it too early and even the nurses thought so.  We did in-home hospice and he passed away at home.  He didn't want to go in-patient hospice and I promised him he wouldn't.   

Wishing you both peace and comfort -- Sharon

thank you

We have not discussed hospice care yet but we will here in the very near future. The doctors gave her 6 months to a year from the diagnosis. We have a very good friend in the pallative care field that has been amazing to us the whole time. She has accepted the fact she is going to die and is not scared because she says she knows where she is going. She is afraid of leaving us alone. This is the hardest thing that I/we have ever gone through and I know its only going to get worse. This network is awesome because it allows us as caregivers to vent and just say things that we may not be able to say to our loved ones when we are taking care of them. So thank you to all for an ear to vent to.

 

God Bless all