Is it just me??

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I have had all the tests, seems like every test known to medical science, and the surgery. So far the physical part hasn't been too bad. I admit that I was pretty messed up for a while... couldn't eat or sleep, was hard to get moving again, and I kind of let things go for a time.

But the part that is really giving me trouble is the reaction from my husband. I don't know if he tries to be hurtful, or just can't hear what he says, but either way it is really getting me down. If I have a bad day, and it seems we all do, he turns on me. The latest was when he asked why I was in such a mood. He actually siad "I'm the one with a wife who has cancer, why are you being such a cry baby".

I try really hard to ignore these things, give him the benefit of the doubt. But when one of those what if days comes, it makes it so hard to keep myself together. I can't talk to him, heaven forbid I lose it and cry! How do you explain that you're scared and need comfort and understanding when everything revolves around him?

Has anyone else had this kind of experience? Is it just me? Am I really too self-involved?

Comments

  • AWK
    AWK Member Posts: 364 Member
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    Hang in there, you aren't alone. It isn't you.

    Initially my husband had such a tough time and was angry.  He was hurting and scared.  Yours probably is too.  Any chance you can get him to counseling?  If not him, you need to find some support - here, through a group or therapist.  No matter what.  We all need a safe place to breakdown, vent or explore our feelings.  I did see a therapist as my doctors continued to search for ways to treat my ongoing progression of cancer.  She specializes in people who are dealing with life threatening diseases, I found her through a non-profit and my doctors.  I have only seen her three times but she was a game changer for me and indirectly my husband too.  I keep her number handy as my journey continues.  

    My husband came around and we have gotten much closer than I can describe in many ways.  I hope for that for you.  You deserve support and comfort.  Keeping you in my prayers.  Anne

  • marieinlv
    marieinlv Member Posts: 47
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    tough situation

    I have to say that my Husband had a hard time too, he was nice, thoughtfull, caring everything a girl could ask for too. The problem was, most of the rest of my imediate family seemed to assume it was his job to care for me? They had an even worse case of denial, they made light of it, they just didn't seem to comprehend the seriousness of the disease. I have to say alot of us look pretty good during it all, and we try to protect them so, the reprucussion is they take it lightly. My husband didn't get a break from the appts, shuttling me to and fro, housework he wasn't use to doing alone, bills to pay(alot), fielding calls, updating on my condition, perscriptions, wow i know i missed alot of things he did, and i did nothing, but try to get better, oh cheerleader for my excercise, encouraging me to excercise because i thought i was to tired to do it, monitoring my food intake because i really couldn't eat for quite awhile, he made me bring snacks everywhere to encourage the nibbles that got me to finally eat more than a nibble. i think it's easier to be a patient than a caregiver, I've been both.

    My Husband and i are seperated for good, the cancer wasn't the only reason but it didn't help. I did appreciate all he did at the time, but i should have arranged for some regular time off to himself. It is different for each patient, and each caregiver too. I hated how all consuming it becomes, I'm sure they do also.

    My only reason for saying this is for us to remember perspective... We aren't the only ones scared in our situation.

  • psro
    psro Member Posts: 21
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    Is it just me?

    Thanks for your comments. I'll try to keep it all in prospective. Seems like he might be right though. What I'm hearing is that this is as hard on him as it on me, and I am not seeing his side of things.

    I wish I had some of what you both have said...my appointments were done on my own after the first, when he announced the time every ten minutes and cussed out the doctor for wasting his time. Pharmacy trips are made on my way home from the cancer clinic. Thank goodness for the free ride that I can get for tests and treatments, some of those things really impare the ability to drive safely. Even though I feel like I should be able to depend on my husband for help, I know that the only one I can really rely on is me. As long as I can keep up the strength, and have the determination, I will continue to make my way back.

    The worst hurdle I have right now is the negativity, and it's all around. I know it sounds selfish, but at a time like this I really wish my mom was still around. She had a way of making anything seem acheivable. With no family except my husband, it would be so great to have that kind of support. The little things mean alot, and even though she was far away, she could do so much to keep me motivated and in better spirits.

    I'm going to look for some support, a group or therapist. There has to be something out there. I know one thing for sure, I need some help coping. I have been told that a positive attitude helps alot, and it just doesn't exist for me here. If anyone knows of an on-line group, please share.

  • AWK
    AWK Member Posts: 364 Member
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    psro said:

    Is it just me?

    Thanks for your comments. I'll try to keep it all in prospective. Seems like he might be right though. What I'm hearing is that this is as hard on him as it on me, and I am not seeing his side of things.

    I wish I had some of what you both have said...my appointments were done on my own after the first, when he announced the time every ten minutes and cussed out the doctor for wasting his time. Pharmacy trips are made on my way home from the cancer clinic. Thank goodness for the free ride that I can get for tests and treatments, some of those things really impare the ability to drive safely. Even though I feel like I should be able to depend on my husband for help, I know that the only one I can really rely on is me. As long as I can keep up the strength, and have the determination, I will continue to make my way back.

    The worst hurdle I have right now is the negativity, and it's all around. I know it sounds selfish, but at a time like this I really wish my mom was still around. She had a way of making anything seem acheivable. With no family except my husband, it would be so great to have that kind of support. The little things mean alot, and even though she was far away, she could do so much to keep me motivated and in better spirits.

    I'm going to look for some support, a group or therapist. There has to be something out there. I know one thing for sure, I need some help coping. I have been told that a positive attitude helps alot, and it just doesn't exist for me here. If anyone knows of an on-line group, please share.

    You aren't being selfish at all

    I wish for you that your mom was still around.  I miss my dad.  He had a way of taking care of things, boosting me up when I needed it and being positive.  He passed away from glioblastoma long before my journey started; he would've been good for my husband to lean on or keep busy.  I still have my mother but we haven't ever been that close; when she came to visit after my surgery it was a lot of work for us.  Wanted to go out to dinner, explore and be entertained.  

    Check with your doctors or your local American Cancer Society Chapter for both help with transportation, pharmacy etc and emotional support.  Focus on yourself and your needs, added stress is the last thing you need.  And you have the ladies here too.

    hugs and prayers - Anne

  • flyerette65
    flyerette65 Member Posts: 65
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    AWK said:

    You aren't being selfish at all

    I wish for you that your mom was still around.  I miss my dad.  He had a way of taking care of things, boosting me up when I needed it and being positive.  He passed away from glioblastoma long before my journey started; he would've been good for my husband to lean on or keep busy.  I still have my mother but we haven't ever been that close; when she came to visit after my surgery it was a lot of work for us.  Wanted to go out to dinner, explore and be entertained.  

    Check with your doctors or your local American Cancer Society Chapter for both help with transportation, pharmacy etc and emotional support.  Focus on yourself and your needs, added stress is the last thing you need.  And you have the ladies here too.

    hugs and prayers - Anne

    Fighting Cancer takes it out of us

    I am always envious of the women who have kind supportive husbands to take care of them during the cancer battle. Right now, I'm watching my primary cheerleader, my mom, slowly slipping away.  She too, is a cancer warrior, but she's almost at the finish line.  I really don't think she comprehended what I was going through but she tried.  My "husband" of less than 2 years and I also separated back in October of 2014 after he decided to renig on the promise he made to watch mom while I went away for a much needed week's vacation.  He had a relative die that he wasn't close to and decided it was more important to go to the relative's out of town visitation and funeral than it was to provide help and assistance for my 94 year old mother. I told him to be gone before I returned home. He heard about my mom and texted me that he was praying for both of us, but sometimes you need more than prayers, sometimes you need someone to put their arms around you and say everything's going to be ok.

    Since he left I've had surgery, tests, a bone fracture that is suspicious, and other medical problems. I am awaiting test results on the pubic bone fracture and may end up having a bone biopsy.  It's generally been a tough time emotionally dealing with my mother's decline and both of our issues on my own. I am lucky that I have family and friends to depend on and my heart aches for those who don't have anyone. My friends all took turns driving me to doctor appointments, chemo, hydration, etc. My daughters and sons have been supportive, thank goodness.  Also found support at The Wellness Center in my area. We have Cancer Family Care which is also a wonderful resource and I went to counseling there for about a year to deal with surgery, chemo, etc.

    Do check with The American Cancer Society for all the services they provide, as Anne suggested. I'm praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way.

    Barb

     

  • psro
    psro Member Posts: 21
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    Fighting Cancer takes it out of us

    I am always envious of the women who have kind supportive husbands to take care of them during the cancer battle. Right now, I'm watching my primary cheerleader, my mom, slowly slipping away.  She too, is a cancer warrior, but she's almost at the finish line.  I really don't think she comprehended what I was going through but she tried.  My "husband" of less than 2 years and I also separated back in October of 2014 after he decided to renig on the promise he made to watch mom while I went away for a much needed week's vacation.  He had a relative die that he wasn't close to and decided it was more important to go to the relative's out of town visitation and funeral than it was to provide help and assistance for my 94 year old mother. I told him to be gone before I returned home. He heard about my mom and texted me that he was praying for both of us, but sometimes you need more than prayers, sometimes you need someone to put their arms around you and say everything's going to be ok.

    Since he left I've had surgery, tests, a bone fracture that is suspicious, and other medical problems. I am awaiting test results on the pubic bone fracture and may end up having a bone biopsy.  It's generally been a tough time emotionally dealing with my mother's decline and both of our issues on my own. I am lucky that I have family and friends to depend on and my heart aches for those who don't have anyone. My friends all took turns driving me to doctor appointments, chemo, hydration, etc. My daughters and sons have been supportive, thank goodness.  Also found support at The Wellness Center in my area. We have Cancer Family Care which is also a wonderful resource and I went to counseling there for about a year to deal with surgery, chemo, etc.

    Do check with The American Cancer Society for all the services they provide, as Anne suggested. I'm praying for you and sending healing thoughts your way.

    Barb

     

    Strong Thoughts

    Thank you Barb for your reply and well wishes. I have tried the Cancer Society as well as the 4th Angel, so far nothing, but I'm not done yet.

    So sorry to hear that you had the same situation, more or less, as I have. I guess I just don't understand the thinking that causes such behavior. Maybe because we are women, and tend to be caregivers by nature. I just can't see myself acting that way when he needed me.

    I am so scared of the cancer coming back, and this week found a lump in my breast. I haven't been to the doctor yet. Since this all started and I was down for so long with the appiontments and treatment, I lost my health insurance. Now not working has put me in a bad place, no insurance and no money to pay for doctors or tests. I'm looking for a way to get help with the cost, and if it's there I'll find it. The one good thing aout being stubborn!

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know it's a hard road and the battle can wear you down. Keep reaching out to friends and family, they may be the best medicine. I wish I had some one too, but even on my own, I'm going to fight as long as I can.

  • pinky104
    pinky104 Member Posts: 574 Member
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    psro said:

    Strong Thoughts

    Thank you Barb for your reply and well wishes. I have tried the Cancer Society as well as the 4th Angel, so far nothing, but I'm not done yet.

    So sorry to hear that you had the same situation, more or less, as I have. I guess I just don't understand the thinking that causes such behavior. Maybe because we are women, and tend to be caregivers by nature. I just can't see myself acting that way when he needed me.

    I am so scared of the cancer coming back, and this week found a lump in my breast. I haven't been to the doctor yet. Since this all started and I was down for so long with the appiontments and treatment, I lost my health insurance. Now not working has put me in a bad place, no insurance and no money to pay for doctors or tests. I'm looking for a way to get help with the cost, and if it's there I'll find it. The one good thing aout being stubborn!

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know it's a hard road and the battle can wear you down. Keep reaching out to friends and family, they may be the best medicine. I wish I had some one too, but even on my own, I'm going to fight as long as I can.

    psro

    Try calling your local hospital to see if they have a program where mammograms are free to people who have no insurance, or if they know of any other places that offer that.  My local hospital has one of them.  Also, many years ago, there was some outfit that gave a bunch of money to hospitals in exchange for the hospitals giving free care to patients that couldn't afford it.  I don't know if any of those free care benefits still exist anywhere, but it's worth a try.  

    Do you think you might qualify for Medicaid?  Cases like yours are what it's there for.  I had to get it for my mother when she was in a nursing home.  The application paperwork was a bit of a nightmare, but she did qualify for it, and it paid the great majority of her bills.

    Keep up the good fight! 

  • mamamoody
    mamamoody Member Posts: 28
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    tough on marriage

    Cancer can be hard on a marriage, there's no doubt.  Everyone involved must get over the shock, and anger of it all.  Being a caregiver is rough ... many times even rougher than being the patient.  When I found out I had cancer, my husband was the best BUT we had been married about 37yrs at the time and had already gone through some things that would of, should of broken us up earlier.  By the grace of God we survived those things and this was just another thing to overcome. Honestly, if it had happened 10-15 yrs earlier, I don't know if we would be doing as well or survived at all.  Give him time, let him know how much you appreciate his help, and do try to do whatever you can to help him help you. Sometimes we all just have to grow up.  This experience will bring out everybody's true colors.  My best to you and I hope you find a support group.

  • Pat51
    Pat51 Member Posts: 130
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    When I was diagnosed with

    When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband was strong but I found out later that he was devastated, he just never let me see that.  At that time, he was a stage 4 melanoma cancer patient himself.  Somehow in his mind he felt that if he was the one in the family with cancer it would protect the rest of the family from getting cancer.  Not realistic, but that is how he dealt with it.  After all, what were the chances that both of us would have cancer at the same time?...well as our bad luck would have it, I was diagnosed with UPSC at the same time!!  I had been his caregiver and now  I was sicker than he was (treatment was very rough for me).  He was a champion and was my rock.   He did everything...driving me to appointments, sitting thru every chemo and test with me, cooking, cleaning, laundry, inspite of his health issues.  My children were no help to us at all, did not come to help very much at all!  It seemed as though they could not handle seeing me change (hair loss, weakness, etc.).   I now realize how very blessed I was to have him.  I would not have survived without him.  I was grateful to be well enough to care for him during his final days.  We were married 43 years when he passed away.  I am now facing a possible recurrence and it is terrifiying to me because I am without him.

    Cancer is a very stressful disease because it affects the whole family.  As both a patient and a caregiver, I have found that the caregiver part was harder for me, because I felt so very helpless unable to do anything to stop his cancer.  The thought of losing him was too much for me to even bare so I would not even let that thought enter my mind.  My friend who had melanoma, said that her husband behaved as though nothing was wrong with her, continued to make plans for both of them for the future, as if the cancer was only in her mind.  As it turned out, he could not bare to come to the realization that he could lose her.

    I am very sorry that your husband is so cold and uncaring and that you have to deal with most of this on your own.  This cancer journey is very difficult with support.  Feeling that you have no support only adds to an already stressful situation.  I cannot imagine what you are going thru and how you handle so much alone.  He may be scared that he will lose you and feels that he is not capable of handling that.  I am not implying that this is in any way is your fault, because it is NOT!!  You certainly did not ask for cancer or to be in this situation.  Everyone handles and copes with this in a different way.  I hope that for your sake he can find another way to deal and will come around as he sees your health improve and sees you get stronger. Are there any cancer support groups at your cancer center or hospital? This board is a wonderful sisterhood of cancer warriors and someone is always willing to as helpful as they can with any situation and all are always willing to listen.

  • psro
    psro Member Posts: 21
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    Pat51 said:

    When I was diagnosed with

    When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband was strong but I found out later that he was devastated, he just never let me see that.  At that time, he was a stage 4 melanoma cancer patient himself.  Somehow in his mind he felt that if he was the one in the family with cancer it would protect the rest of the family from getting cancer.  Not realistic, but that is how he dealt with it.  After all, what were the chances that both of us would have cancer at the same time?...well as our bad luck would have it, I was diagnosed with UPSC at the same time!!  I had been his caregiver and now  I was sicker than he was (treatment was very rough for me).  He was a champion and was my rock.   He did everything...driving me to appointments, sitting thru every chemo and test with me, cooking, cleaning, laundry, inspite of his health issues.  My children were no help to us at all, did not come to help very much at all!  It seemed as though they could not handle seeing me change (hair loss, weakness, etc.).   I now realize how very blessed I was to have him.  I would not have survived without him.  I was grateful to be well enough to care for him during his final days.  We were married 43 years when he passed away.  I am now facing a possible recurrence and it is terrifiying to me because I am without him.

    Cancer is a very stressful disease because it affects the whole family.  As both a patient and a caregiver, I have found that the caregiver part was harder for me, because I felt so very helpless unable to do anything to stop his cancer.  The thought of losing him was too much for me to even bare so I would not even let that thought enter my mind.  My friend who had melanoma, said that her husband behaved as though nothing was wrong with her, continued to make plans for both of them for the future, as if the cancer was only in her mind.  As it turned out, he could not bare to come to the realization that he could lose her.

    I am very sorry that your husband is so cold and uncaring and that you have to deal with most of this on your own.  This cancer journey is very difficult with support.  Feeling that you have no support only adds to an already stressful situation.  I cannot imagine what you are going thru and how you handle so much alone.  He may be scared that he will lose you and feels that he is not capable of handling that.  I am not implying that this is in any way is your fault, because it is NOT!!  You certainly did not ask for cancer or to be in this situation.  Everyone handles and copes with this in a different way.  I hope that for your sake he can find another way to deal and will come around as he sees your health improve and sees you get stronger. Are there any cancer support groups at your cancer center or hospital? This board is a wonderful sisterhood of cancer warriors and someone is always willing to as helpful as they can with any situation and all are always willing to listen.

    Thank you

    Thanks Pat, for your thoughts and encouragement. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know there's no way for me to understand how you felt. The only way I can relate is that I have lost my husband as well, even though he's still here.

     

    I have tried to get with a support group. There are none that I can go to since I lack transportation at this time. I even tried to get hooked up with a mentor through the Cancer Society. After several emails and a couple of weeks, they told me thier uterine cancer person was unavailable. So much for emotional support from some one who has been there before me.

     

    I have come to understand that if I need help, I just have to try and find it in myself. I have run the course of options and am sad to say there is none out there for me. I always considered myself pretty tough, a fighter. Right now all my fight is gone. I'm hoping to get a second wind and start again, but for now it's time to let it go and hope for the best.

     

    Thanks again for your kind words, and you will be in my prayers.

  • NoTimeForCancer
    NoTimeForCancer Member Posts: 3,385 Member
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    Pat51 said:

    When I was diagnosed with

    When I was diagnosed with cancer, my husband was strong but I found out later that he was devastated, he just never let me see that.  At that time, he was a stage 4 melanoma cancer patient himself.  Somehow in his mind he felt that if he was the one in the family with cancer it would protect the rest of the family from getting cancer.  Not realistic, but that is how he dealt with it.  After all, what were the chances that both of us would have cancer at the same time?...well as our bad luck would have it, I was diagnosed with UPSC at the same time!!  I had been his caregiver and now  I was sicker than he was (treatment was very rough for me).  He was a champion and was my rock.   He did everything...driving me to appointments, sitting thru every chemo and test with me, cooking, cleaning, laundry, inspite of his health issues.  My children were no help to us at all, did not come to help very much at all!  It seemed as though they could not handle seeing me change (hair loss, weakness, etc.).   I now realize how very blessed I was to have him.  I would not have survived without him.  I was grateful to be well enough to care for him during his final days.  We were married 43 years when he passed away.  I am now facing a possible recurrence and it is terrifiying to me because I am without him.

    Cancer is a very stressful disease because it affects the whole family.  As both a patient and a caregiver, I have found that the caregiver part was harder for me, because I felt so very helpless unable to do anything to stop his cancer.  The thought of losing him was too much for me to even bare so I would not even let that thought enter my mind.  My friend who had melanoma, said that her husband behaved as though nothing was wrong with her, continued to make plans for both of them for the future, as if the cancer was only in her mind.  As it turned out, he could not bare to come to the realization that he could lose her.

    I am very sorry that your husband is so cold and uncaring and that you have to deal with most of this on your own.  This cancer journey is very difficult with support.  Feeling that you have no support only adds to an already stressful situation.  I cannot imagine what you are going thru and how you handle so much alone.  He may be scared that he will lose you and feels that he is not capable of handling that.  I am not implying that this is in any way is your fault, because it is NOT!!  You certainly did not ask for cancer or to be in this situation.  Everyone handles and copes with this in a different way.  I hope that for your sake he can find another way to deal and will come around as he sees your health improve and sees you get stronger. Are there any cancer support groups at your cancer center or hospital? This board is a wonderful sisterhood of cancer warriors and someone is always willing to as helpful as they can with any situation and all are always willing to listen.

    Pat, thank you for the

    Pat, thank you for the perspective of the caregiver.  I can't imagine what my family was thinking, I know it was hard and it was different from my outlook, but I knew I couldn't ask them.  They would never have told me what you wrote, but no doubt it was probably very similar thoughts.  I am so very grateful.

    Thank you. 

  • Pat51
    Pat51 Member Posts: 130
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    psro said:

    Thank you

    Thanks Pat, for your thoughts and encouragement. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know there's no way for me to understand how you felt. The only way I can relate is that I have lost my husband as well, even though he's still here.

     

    I have tried to get with a support group. There are none that I can go to since I lack transportation at this time. I even tried to get hooked up with a mentor through the Cancer Society. After several emails and a couple of weeks, they told me thier uterine cancer person was unavailable. So much for emotional support from some one who has been there before me.

     

    I have come to understand that if I need help, I just have to try and find it in myself. I have run the course of options and am sad to say there is none out there for me. I always considered myself pretty tough, a fighter. Right now all my fight is gone. I'm hoping to get a second wind and start again, but for now it's time to let it go and hope for the best.

     

    Thanks again for your kind words, and you will be in my prayers.

    psro

    There were no local support groups for me either.  I live in a small community.  The cancer clinic where I was treated had a support group but it was 50 miles away and always met on the days that I had chemo or the day after.....when I was not really feeling up to a meeting so I did not become involved.  I would be happy to give you any support or help that I can, please send me a private message if you wish to email.  I know how easy it is to get down when fighting cancer.  I am a worrier and sometimes panic about all cancer related things....big or small.  I also try to be stong but many times you just become overwhelmed.  Happy to help if I can.