My mother's cancer is giving me depression.

EE2000

My mom was diagnois with stage 4 nueroendocrine colon carcinoma, in Sept of 2014.    She had to have much of her colon removed due to a tumor and that is how they found it,  they did a scan and it showed it had already spread to her liver.  Who knows how long she had cancer, but we think it was at least a good year before she was formally diagnoised based on the problems she was having prior.     Even though she had a colonoscopy within that time, it was discovered. 


She started chemo as soon as she was healed well enough from the surgery.  In Jan of 2015 she had another scan and it showed that the chemo was not working, the spots on her liver were 50% bigger and she had new spots on her adernal glands.   Her doctor put on her a more aggressive chemo treatment only because she did so well on the other one.

More and more she is not able to have chemo because of her counts being too low, she has already had a transfusion to bring her counts up, and that did not bring them up much but enough to continue treatment. 

She is doing really though, she still has energy some weeks are better than others and while she does have pain it's mostly at night and they haven't had to prescribe her anything heavier than what she is on,  she also rarely gets nausea but she again has some pretty powerful anti-nauseua meds in case she needs them.  In all she is doing really well, I am amazed, I thought she would be bedridden and in a bunch of pain. 

I am finding this to be way to hard.   I've had a lot of stuff happen over the years that I've been able to pick myself up from.   In 2007 I watched my father die a long horrible, painful death due to years of smoking.   That was the hardest thing I've had to do so far, my dad was everything to me, I was a totally a daddy's little girl.     But I managed to get through it somehow. 


Now I am struggling,  I've never been really close to my mom, we would always fight, we are so very much alike and stubborn that we just clash, but since this has happened we haven't foght once, we now have a much more loving relationship, the kind we should have had all these years and didn't and it took something like this to make it happen.  I feel foolish for it. 

I'm realistic, it's not like I thought my parents would live forever.  I did however think I would have more time with them, my dad was only 52 when he died, I was 27.  My mom is only 61 and she probably will not live to see 62,though I do hope she does.   It's just the nature of her cancer that leaves that in doubt. 

I feel jaded, bitter and just so very sad and angry.   Not only for me but for my brother, who is mentally and physically handicapped.   My mom is his world, his everything, when he stayed with me when she had surgery he had to talk to her every day and if he didn't he would think she was dead.   Everyday it was him wanting to go home, go home to mom.   I can't even think about what her death will do to him.   

I've had so much happen that I really would like for something, anything to go right.  My marriage is suffering because I'm not that happy person my husband married, I'm this sad pathetic thing that cries at the drop of a hat.   I barely clean my house anymore, a house I love that we brought new, that I want to keep looking nice, I just don't have the energy it seems. 

I know I need therapy, but I just can't make that call because at this point, I just want to be with my mom when she needs me, we live three hours apart and I try to see her as much as I can.  How can I keep up appointments if I need to leave to be with her?   

I'm sorry, I just really needed to get all of that off my chest.   Any helpful suggestions are so very welcome and really needed at this point.   Hell it seems my mom is taking this much more better than I am, that is kinda sad.  

Noellesmom

It is hard

I agree the patient usually handles things better than the loved ones.

You are dealing with a lot.  You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  It's the adage about putting your own oxygen mask on first before putting other's on for them.  You can't help them if you pass out.

Talking to a therapist may or may not help at this point: how about a good friend or your pastor?  As painful as the process is it sounds as though you are grieving which is normal.  Stress over losing a parent is to be expected.

I think you are having a hard time with all the changes and who wouldn't be?  

Please work in some exercise for yourself, eat well and rest when you can.  Plan happy times for your family, have the talks you need with your mom (such as her thoughts about long term care for your brother).

You've got to move past the fear and find that it is that empowers you to deal with this.

Daughters are tough: you can do this.

 

yamster34

I was one of my mom's

I was one of my mom's caregivers when she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. She is a survivor. I was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer on September 13, 2014. It was much more difficult being a caregiver than it is being a patient (at least from my experience). I know how I feel as a patient and how good I feel because I am trusting the Lord to heal me instead of getting surgery, chemo, and raditaion. This does not work for everyone.

As for how your marriage is going, I suggest you ask your husband how he feels about what is going on. Husbands and wives can't read each others minds. He could be as sad about your mom as you are. Maybe he feels helpless because this is making you so sad and he has no idea how to help. No matter what, try to understand his feelings and let him understand yours as well. Being united as one makes trials a little easier because you know somebody else is on your side. It may help your depression too. You may also want to consider finding a support group through your local American Cancer Socity chapter. It always helps to have people to talk to.

Prayers, best wishes and hugs, 

Amy

EE2000

I'm sorry I haven't updated

I'm sorry I haven't updated in months.     I'm doing much better mentally than I was, while things are still really tough I've learned to work through my emotions better instead of just letting them sit there and simmer until I burst.     

So far my mom is still fighting the good fight she is about to undergo radation but she also has new tumors so her cancer is spreading again.   Still very hopeful but more realistic now and I have some really wonderful friends that I can lean on.    

mechellelong123

EE2000 said:

I'm sorry I haven't updated

I'm sorry I haven't updated in months.     I'm doing much better mentally than I was, while things are still really tough I've learned to work through my emotions better instead of just letting them sit there and simmer until I burst.     

So far my mom is still fighting the good fight she is about to undergo radation but she also has new tumors so her cancer is spreading again.   Still very hopeful but more realistic now and I have some really wonderful friends that I can lean on.    

So glad to hear you are doing

So glad to hear you are doing better. Continue to allow your friends to support you. And I always gave myself permission to cry alone away from my dad. I don't know if you are a religious person, but pouring my heart out in prayer was such a help to me as well as reading encouraging bible verses such as Isaiah 41:10.

--May God strengthen you

hummman

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Patinojaz89

My moms cancer is making me depressed too

My mom is currently battling stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. She has been battling this cancer for more than 1 year. I find myself feeling very angry and alone.

rose08

Patinojaz89 said:

My moms cancer is making me depressed too

My mom is currently battling stage 4 non hodgkins lymphoma. She has been battling this cancer for more than 1 year. I find myself feeling very angry and alone.

Me too.

My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer. It is so hard for me, because she is my best friend.

Flexderec

You can do this.

You can do this.

Rentonthurston88

I am sorry if this is hard for you, but can I ask if you were able to fight and win with your sadness? My mom is sick bad too. I am so scared , Our stories are very similer. Thank you