Breast going away party, encourage or not

Adam1234

I'll try to get this out concisely. My dear friend (45, large BBW), health care worker (care for the elderly) is a long time nudist and swinger, a bohemiam, larger than life, one of those that brighten any room of field she's in, and everyone's iife she touches is forever brightened; person.

Yes, one of those.

So, I (male, one time suiter and now dear friend). I'm flying down for a one week stay to help her through a double mastectomy. 

I don't know how to say this... so I'll start with, that ANY removal of a breast must be... and I don't know the word; tramatic, life changing? For my friend Lynn, a big boobed nudiest and swinger, her boobs make up so much of her persona; It's an extra challenge / burdeon. 

She's hoping I'll accompany her to two parties the weekend before, her plutonic nudist friends (local resort); and a swingers party; at both events the focus will be SAYING GOOD BYE to her famous boobs.

In addition she wants me to create an album of sorts, amazing photos of her breasts, worthy of a calendar: "boob in wood", "boob at sunset", etc etc etc.

For all her strength and resolve and always being the positive person... I fear this will all END BADLY, or worse in the middle of those two parties or photo shoot, all her bravado will collapse. 

To the question: In other words, asside from "just be there for her"; is there anything I should do or be prepared for?

In writing that question, I feel the absutaty of it, as I'm basically nothing more than a passenger on her train, but when all those folks leave, it'll be me in pre and post op, and me caring for her at home after the surgery. 

Perhaps a better question is... is there a "perfect" book for me to read to help deal with her journey?

Thanks so much for reading.

Lilly9

There's no book that I know

There's no book that I know of and even if there was I believe it would be useless.   The thing is - it's different for every woman and there's just no cut & dried answers.

I believe you'll have to have a face to face talk so you can gauge her feelings and see how she's really doing.   My sister was diagnosed a few weeks after me.  Hers was caught much earlier and she went straight to surgery - bilateral with immediate reconstruction.   She had some setbacks but is now fully reconstructed and back to her life.   Through it all she was stoic and strong. Or so we thought   She was really grieving the loss of her breasts and even though her reconstruction work looks great - she's not happy in that she misses - "her boobs"

I on the other hand went through chemo then surgery then radiation.  I had the expanders placed at the time of surgery and after all treatment ended - waited 6 mos to have the permanent implants placed.   Do I miss my boobs?  No - I'm grateful to be alive and able to enjoy my life

You didn't mention  your friends age - which I believe has a big part in one's outlook - what is important at 30 changes drastically at 50.

Because you took the time to join the board and write a very honest post makes me feel that you don't truly think she's as strong and has the resolve she wants you to believe.  I think you need to be as honest with her as you have been with us and yes  - be prepared - for what?  I have no idea.  Could be anger, tears, screaming, clamming up or all of them in a matter of minutes.  What I appreciated the most from my family & friends was their time, their honesty and their ability to give me space when I needed it.

New Flower

Lilly9 said:

There's no book that I know

There's no book that I know of and even if there was I believe it would be useless.   The thing is - it's different for every woman and there's just no cut & dried answers.

I believe you'll have to have a face to face talk so you can gauge her feelings and see how she's really doing.   My sister was diagnosed a few weeks after me.  Hers was caught much earlier and she went straight to surgery - bilateral with immediate reconstruction.   She had some setbacks but is now fully reconstructed and back to her life.   Through it all she was stoic and strong. Or so we thought   She was really grieving the loss of her breasts and even though her reconstruction work looks great - she's not happy in that she misses - "her boobs"

I on the other hand went through chemo then surgery then radiation.  I had the expanders placed at the time of surgery and after all treatment ended - waited 6 mos to have the permanent implants placed.   Do I miss my boobs?  No - I'm grateful to be alive and able to enjoy my life

You didn't mention  your friends age - which I believe has a big part in one's outlook - what is important at 30 changes drastically at 50.

Because you took the time to join the board and write a very honest post makes me feel that you don't truly think she's as strong and has the resolve she wants you to believe.  I think you need to be as honest with her as you have been with us and yes  - be prepared - for what?  I have no idea.  Could be anger, tears, screaming, clamming up or all of them in a matter of minutes.  What I appreciated the most from my family & friends was their time, their honesty and their ability to give me space when I needed it.

Hi Adam

I am glad that she has a good friend like you, who is willing to stay by at this difficult moment.

It is hard to predict someone reaction, at least on this board we like to say "you are more than your boobs, beatiful person inside".

Almost most books about breast cancer have a chapter on coping. I hope someone will recomend a specific book.

Please come back and stay connected.  

camul

New Flower said:

Hi Adam

I am glad that she has a good friend like you, who is willing to stay by at this difficult moment.

It is hard to predict someone reaction, at least on this board we like to say "you are more than your boobs, beatiful person inside".

Almost most books about breast cancer have a chapter on coping. I hope someone will recomend a specific book.

Please come back and stay connected.  

Pretty nice that she has you.

Practical things like foods she likes, drinks, a good friend. It isn't very pretty right after. Maybe you will want to look on line and see what to expect (pictures), so there isn't shock factor on your part. She will have drains, so maybe shirts button down with pockets so she can have somewhere to put the drains. Mostly a good sense of humor, and listen if she needs to talk! I think doing a little documentary with the photo is kind neat. Most of us have been there and the experience is different for each of us, it is not an easy surgery, especially if cancer is part of the mix. Glad she has you. Just you coming here to learn what you can do to help her tells a lot about your character and friendship.
Keep a sense of humor and let us know how it all works out and expect some tears. Being strong does not mean no emotions especially as her big hreasts are a big. part of her persona.
Hugs to you both!

Adam1234

Thank you... re: boob going away party

1st off thank you for the replies and kind words. Sage advice and a couple of gems. 

To explain further, due to her weight, no reconstructive surgery till she looses 50. From what we've seen large women, large breasted women end up having these large softball sized "skin tags" (her word) hanging under the arm, which large boobs typically either hide or pull smooth from their weight. The surgen has promised he'll do what is basically a seperate surgery to lipo, and in a sense do a tuck, which is not covered by insurance to insure she will have the same "lines" as an A-cupped woman. 

So, she's be breastless for months; and she knows she might.. and I'm not kidding... she might make peace and "love it".  I don't know.

So, favorite foods, insure her "new" clothes can deal with, hide, the drains. 

So far thou, no one has reacted with agast at the planned "breast going away" parties... am I being overly worried of a mid party breakdown? Now that I've said it.. if they are truely supportive... what's a breakdown between friends... you deal with it... someone cracks a joke and everyone moves on... 

Thanks again

bonbondidit

Adam1234 said:

Thank you... re: boob going away party

1st off thank you for the replies and kind words. Sage advice and a couple of gems. 

To explain further, due to her weight, no reconstructive surgery till she looses 50. From what we've seen large women, large breasted women end up having these large softball sized "skin tags" (her word) hanging under the arm, which large boobs typically either hide or pull smooth from their weight. The surgen has promised he'll do what is basically a seperate surgery to lipo, and in a sense do a tuck, which is not covered by insurance to insure she will have the same "lines" as an A-cupped woman. 

So, she's be breastless for months; and she knows she might.. and I'm not kidding... she might make peace and "love it".  I don't know.

So, favorite foods, insure her "new" clothes can deal with, hide, the drains. 

So far thou, no one has reacted with agast at the planned "breast going away" parties... am I being overly worried of a mid party breakdown? Now that I've said it.. if they are truely supportive... what's a breakdown between friends... you deal with it... someone cracks a joke and everyone moves on... 

Thanks again

Adam

Adam,

I also want to hold you up as a great friend to care enough to post your thoughts and concerns about your special friend. You need to ask these questions. The better you are prepared the better her care will be. I too had double mastectomies. I am going to give you the hard facts that I needed and went through:

She will feel no pain for the most part after surgery. Morphine is kind. However that can give a false sense of I can lift this or do that. Example - I pulled my fully plated food tray to and from my bed several times and laptop typing and such. I think I paid for that the next few days when the numb wore off

She WILL feel pain and tightness when she leaves the hospital. My tightness was like having an overtight bra on across my chest. That lasted for about 6 weeks-8 weeks.

I was not able to have anything against my chest for 3 months like bras with inserts.  (I didn't know this about aftercare until I was in aftercare.) They don't want anything against the chest for healing purposes for optimal healing. I may have looked this over while preparing but I wished I had prepared for that news ahead of time. I didn't have reconstruction afterwards. I will be doing the DIEP flap proceedure down the road.

She will need drain holders (pouches) for her drains. Get this or ask about it before her surgery. We ended up making ours in the hospital with the nurse. This was the only time I felt dissapointed that these weren't provided for me.  Drains will come out once the liquid is at 10 per drain. They probably won't come out at the same time, but could if they all behave

We had to keep a log of the drain measurements before emptying them. Gloves and sterlization of the drain tip/lid every time.

Nerves will come alive again and feelings will zap here and there around the area. After a little while. Mine were in the first two weeks. I did start to feel my skin again. Light feather touches around the skin I think helped in my skin learning to feel again. Maybe it was in my head but I think it worked.

I decided to have the DIEP Flap proceedure when I have reconstruction. The main reason was because I get to put myself back into myself. So because I kept the skin sparing skin on my chest, I now get to fill it back up with myself (my stomache fat.) For me in particular, this psychologically helped me. Implants are gorgeous too, just not for me. Also with the DIEP Flap proceedure you get to harvest your stomache fat and get a tummy tuck while you're doing it. Win, win for me.  I stress that it's about living first and then about living your life as the reward. This was my perspective. Others do the reconstruction at the time of their removals. I say to each their own. Most importantly kick cancer's toosh!!

Ps. The swelling - The swelling WILL go down. Just not at first. I noticed a big change between month two and three post op. I had HUGE puffs under my arms at first. The larger where my lymph nodes were removed. I had 18 taken out under left arm.

 

 

 

 

 

cinnamonsmile

There are several forums on

There are several forums on breastcancer.org that may help you:

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/91/topic/699896?page=28#post_4291196 (Shopping/packing/to-do list for surgery + recovery....)

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/91 (Surgery-Before, During and After)

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/82 (Living Without Reconstruction After A Mastectomy)

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/152 (Finding a New Normal)

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/150 (Sex Matters)

 

You may want to suggest your friend to join CSN and breastcancer.org as well!!