Frustrated at lack of help

Prissy777

I have recently been diagnosed with endometrial cancer.  I have been the one who's always helped out my elderly mom like driving to places since since she stopped driving, helping her get groceries, cleaning the house and doing all sorts of things that daughter only do.  the thing is  everyone's pretty much just treated me the same in most respects which is appreciated, however lately it has been too much and I am a little frustrated about the lack of help that people have not offered to lighten my load with my mother.   What would you do?

 

 

 

Abbycat2

We all need support

Prissy, we all need support after a cancer diagnosis, and it is especially difficult when we are the caregivers to others. If I was in your shoes , I would meet with my brother and sister - in- law and ask them to step up to the plate more with helping your mother with her appts, etc . Don 't assume that people can read your mind or know how you feel.  Is your doctor a gynecologic oncologist? Have you had surgery yet ? My gyn. oncologist prescribed the chemo treatment which I received through another oncologist. I drove myself to all 6 rounds of carboplatin /taxol infusions as I didn't think I needed someone else to drive me. I did fine and the chemo affects were not bad. I only missed one day of work because of fatigue.  I hope that you are able to work things out with your family and that you receive the support that you need. This journey is a tough one but it is doable . 

I wish you the very best,

Cathy

nempark

Hi Prissy

You are so right, only daughters do so much for their aged parents.  I know at this time you need a little mothering yourself, but my advice to you is to just take deep breaths take care of yourself and continue to do as much as you can for mom, she is used to you doing these things for her and is comfortable with you.  I know it is frustrating that no one else can voluntarily contribute, but try not to get overwhelmed, we don't know how much longer mom has and you don't want to look back and have regrets.  I know I experienced the same thing and my heart hurts when I think of them and wish they were still around to do for them. May you have great success with your chemo and get back to your normal self soon.  Best wishes.

flyerette65

I've been there too

Dear Prissy,

First of all, I can totally relate! I had no spouse, I have one brother and he was of no help at all.  I had my hysterectomy for USPC on June 22.  On July 11, my mom had a spontaneous hip fracture.  I came home from the Look Good, Feel Better program the American Society sponsors to find her on the floor.  She had surgery the next day and then had to go to a rehab center for almost 2 months.  I hate to say it but it was a lot more peaceful without her being there while I did chemo.  When she got home, all holy heck broke loose.  She thought I was to wait on her hand and foot and I told her I had to put myself first now.  Fortunately I had friends who drove me to chemo, hydration etc but when I came home from chemo and felt really tired, I not only had to fix something for myself to eat but mom too.  Try to enlist the help of your friends, neighbors, cousins, seeif someone can come in and take the load off you.  I don't remember if you said you lived with your mom but if you do not, she will be eligible for more help than if you lived with her.  I had friends who would clean the house, my daughters did laundry, boyfriend and gal pals took me grocery shopping, etc.  I hope you have better luck getting your sibs to help than I did.  My brother told me "You're no different from anyone else".  I'd like to see that big baby go through what I did.  Mom is even worse nowl 94 years old and just like a spoiled little baby.  I had surgery on December 10 with general anesthesia.  She expected me, who was 5 sheets to the wind, to drive to the bank and get her some money so she could go out Saturday!  The same thing yesterday.  I had such a sinus infection I couldn't even see and went to the doc. When I came home she told me I was going to have to go back out and get her some money because she didn't have any!  I broke down and just started crying.  My mom still has a nurse coming once a week and I told her I was sick and tired of having to take care of everything and everyone but there was no one to take care of me except me.  She said "Be Strong".  I hate it when people tell me that!  You need to put yourself first! It's all about you now.  Counseling would help also. We have Cancer Family Care here in Cincinnati.  Kathy, my therapist was wonderful.  She even came to the house when I was down and out after chemo. I don't know if you get Cure Magazine but I saw an ad in there while I was doing chemo that you could get free maid service once a month for 4 months.  I hade to have my doctor write them a letter, I faxed it to the appropriate number and I had free maid service once a month!  I don't know if I still have that ad.  If I do, I'll send you more info. Taking care of the elderly requires a special kind of patience, I do not have it! I wish you all the best and I hope 2015 is a better year for you!

Barb

Tarans

You say 'everyone'.  Who is

You say 'everyone'.  Who is everyone? Are there siblings? Start assigning them tasks and responsibilities. Tell them that either they get off their dead butts and go over and clean for their mother or you will start charging them money to cover you hiring someone to do so.  Clearly, 'everyone' hasn't a clue and you need to be upfront and tell them what to do if you expect them to do anything.