Can't sleep, my friend's mom died tonight, sad and anxious all at the same time.

Helen321

It's just all so sad, so much loss all the time. I didn't even know her well.  She was a kidney cancer patient and it went to her brain.  We were both going through incredible anxiety at the same time at some point in our treatment and we'd see each other at appointments or at school shows and we both just knew.  While others were fully relaxed and enjoying the evening, our minds were there but not there.  Life has just changed so much.  Two years out and I thought I'd be finding some sort of "normal" but what I'm finding is that after cancer, nothing's normal.  I mean you enjoy days but you have this little secret knowledge that life is short and not at all guaranteed.  Your next appointment could be "the one".  If you eat "the wrong thing" will that be the trigger.  The physical changes are incredible.  I used to think that I was going to live to a ripe old age of 95, I had no reason not to.  Now at 44 my body hurts, daily living is a challenge.  I can't even imagine the pain of living to 95.  A piece of me is glad she isn't feeling the anxiety anymore but the rest of me is just really disappointed (it's not even anger anymore) that we don't have better answers to keep people physically well and alive.