After treatments...why is he treating me like this?

KatP

My husband has been battling throat and neck and tonsil cancer...tonsils were removed...treatments of chemo and radiation.  Two months out of treatments and still having side effects fatique, weight loss, and others he won't share with me.  His PET scan was clear and we were so happy but everyone around us treats us now like the common cold is over so we should have everything together...we don't.  He still has feeding tube and is trying to get used to eating again.  He lost a lot of weight and isn't gaining any back yet.  What I want to know is if the person you care for is treating you badly...yells and grumpy and doesn't appreciate anything you do or have done.  Do they just go now and do things by themself with friends who weren't even around during the rough times.  My heart is heavy and I feel depressed because my husband is doing these things.  At Thanksgiving we went to a friends house and in private he told the friends husband that he had not eaten in two days and that I wasn't feeding him.  He isn't a toddler and most of the time waste what I fix for supper.  He has never asked me to feed him and find him food...he has always been independent and I have food he can eat in the house and I fix supper for all of us and I just don't know.  I heard the friend and her husband talking and it was like he ate good here and did well like at home he doesn't eat and is not getting good care.  Through this whole thing it has just been me and him and I have put up with a lot.  I don't know what is going on now...confused and hurt.  He is demanding about things now and sends me these texts like I am his lacky and just go do it.  He was never this way...when he was sick he would hardly let me do anything but I did it anyway because he could not.  He has had such a hard time coming to terms with things but I have motivated him through this whole thing and got him through things others have not seen.  Why would he turn against me now.  Does the radiation do something to the thinking and what do I do?  I feel like just running away and letting him start over without me.  I do not want to be treated this way and I do not want to live with someone who is self centered...I am losing it.  Any help would be great!

Kat

 

Ladylacy

Treatments

I don't think it is the radiation treatments causing this.  It could be the chemo.  My husband has been fighting cancer since July 2010.  He has been thru 35 radiation, 3 chemo, then major surgery.  He was on a feeding tube for about 9 months that time due to radiation damage to the back of his throat.  After surgery he was able to eat again.  Then one year later we found out that he had a second primary and he underwent another 37 radiation and 7 chemo treatments.  Surgery was ruled out.  Then less than 7 months later we found out that the cancer had reoccurred and spread and he declined all further treatment.  And yes he is still fighting but loosing ground daily.

During all of this time, I was the one who did everything and still do.  He has gotten grumpy at times but he tells everyone that if it wasn't for me, he would be dead by now.  He has been on a feeding tube since May 2012 and is unable to swallow anything.  Your husband may need therapy to help him swallow.  You have to keep your swallowing muscle moving.  And as far as what he is telling his friends, you need to tell them they don't know what is going on and has gone on.  Many people don't understand what caregivers and cancer patients go thru and many don't want to know.  It takes time to get over radiation, chemo and surgery.  The radiation and chemo are the gifts that keep giving year in and year out.  Many side effects even later in life.

It sounds as though your husband is depressed and needs help.  There are so many fighting this horrible beast that would love to eat and live but can't or didn't.  Sit down and talk with him and tell him what he is doing to you.  But don't feel bad for the way you think.  There are times I want to run away and I do get mad at my husband and tell him.  It is hard being a caregiver but you have to take care of yourself too.  Many relationships don't survive a loved one's battle with cancer.  You have to talk it out with him and explain what he is doing.

Wishing you the best

rooster6

Husband

Take heart, you are not alone.  Many fear to put down their thoughts as caregivers for. fear we sound selfish when our men are facing cancer.  It changes relationships in so many ways. Intimacy goes first, and you are back to square one.  For me my husband started to relate in a chauvinistic  kind of way. Always a dominant male to have control taken away was hard.  Lets face it who is gonna contrary a man wih cancer.  men withdraw its how they cope.  There are anger issue for both spouses about the unfairness of it all.  You are overwhelmed, frustrated at Dr's. Etc.  I do pretty good most of the time but when he gets short I hand it back to him have learned when no one else is around the spouse becomes the convenient whipping post.  He knows thank goodness when he gets out of bound. It is a shame that there arent more support groups close by, venting helps and those who are not on this road will never comprehend what you are going thru. Take one day at a time, prayer helps, get out of the house, a close friend willing to lend an ear helps.  And those of us here will do all we can to lift you up.  Hang in there .  We care....

Stacey14

I get it completely!!!!

My name is Stacey and I've been with my husband for almost 6 years and married to him for 14 months. On October 7th, 2014 he was diagnosed with Throat cancer....larnyx. It's stage 3 but, the dr's are pretty confident he will beat this with the radiation/chemo. He is getting 35 rounds of radiation and 3 rounds of chemo....the strongest drug they use for this type of cancer. HE's 51 years old. He's coming towards the end of radiation and had too stop after round 2 of chemo. The side effects on his hearing and the ringing in his ears were just too much. At first, we were such a team in this. We both went to the dr's appointments and asked all the questions. Everything a husband and wife should be doing in this situation. He is now withdrawn, won't talk to me about anything, won't let me go to the dr's with him and he's pretty much just gottne mean and very closed off. All the intimacy is gone. He won't say I love you unless I say it first. He makes no attempt to hug or kiss me anymore. We don't even sleep in the same room because of his trache. I try to tell him how I feel and ask him to talk to me but, he just waves me off with his hand or turns the volume up louder on the tv!!!

I'm at my breaking point of not knowing what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to "hang in there" but, no one knows what it's like behind closed doors. When we're around family, in church or out in public, he acts like nothing is wrong and everything is just peechy keen. All the while, I just feel like screaming that everything is not okay and to open their eyes and see it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so alone and unloved. I feel so selfish for even feeling like this. I know he doesn't feel well and I wish I could take this all away but I can't. I really need to find support. I am at my breaking point and just want to walk away but, I can't. I love him too much. Please if you can offer any advice, I would appreciate it very much. Thank you.

Amy K

Stacey14 said:

I get it completely!!!!

My name is Stacey and I've been with my husband for almost 6 years and married to him for 14 months. On October 7th, 2014 he was diagnosed with Throat cancer....larnyx. It's stage 3 but, the dr's are pretty confident he will beat this with the radiation/chemo. He is getting 35 rounds of radiation and 3 rounds of chemo....the strongest drug they use for this type of cancer. HE's 51 years old. He's coming towards the end of radiation and had too stop after round 2 of chemo. The side effects on his hearing and the ringing in his ears were just too much. At first, we were such a team in this. We both went to the dr's appointments and asked all the questions. Everything a husband and wife should be doing in this situation. He is now withdrawn, won't talk to me about anything, won't let me go to the dr's with him and he's pretty much just gottne mean and very closed off. All the intimacy is gone. He won't say I love you unless I say it first. He makes no attempt to hug or kiss me anymore. We don't even sleep in the same room because of his trache. I try to tell him how I feel and ask him to talk to me but, he just waves me off with his hand or turns the volume up louder on the tv!!!

I'm at my breaking point of not knowing what to do. Everyone keeps telling me to "hang in there" but, no one knows what it's like behind closed doors. When we're around family, in church or out in public, he acts like nothing is wrong and everything is just peechy keen. All the while, I just feel like screaming that everything is not okay and to open their eyes and see it!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so alone and unloved. I feel so selfish for even feeling like this. I know he doesn't feel well and I wish I could take this all away but I can't. I really need to find support. I am at my breaking point and just want to walk away but, I can't. I love him too much. Please if you can offer any advice, I would appreciate it very much. Thank you.

You are not alone

Hi Stacey,

My husband has colo-rectal cancer. He has not been ordered to have radiation (they actually discovered a tumor during exploratory surgery, and removed the tumor). He has been diagnosed w/stage IV back in August of 2014. He has been on chemo since September. He has "lesions" throughout his abdomen, covering the lining of his organs and into his lymph nodes. While the oncologist seems pleased with the progress of his chemo treatments ("it has stopped the growth"), we are left to deal with the side effects of the myriad of drugs which are being administered to treat this. It is very true that no one, and I mean NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors. My husband too, refuses to discuss his cancer at any kind of depth. He will talk about the clinical aspects, but NEVER about how he feels about any of it. He has become so moody. I never know what I will say or do that will set him off. It may be something as simple as "supper is ready", and I am ripped a new a-hole. I am often tearful and live with frustration on a enormous level. I have actually asked him during several of these times when he has outbursts of anger to please remember I love him and requested that he treat me as well as he treats strangers and other caregivers/medical personnel. He treats them with dignity and patience and yet when we are home to ourselves, I get blasted and hung out to dry. It's very emotionally crippling for me. I love him completely and would do anything if this had not happened to him, or if I could somehow wave a magic wand to make it all go away. But you and I both know that won't happen. The role of care giver is a lonesome road. We must seek out others who understand, and you are in the right place here for that. Me too. I'm new here. I am trying to find others who understand. 

I encourage you to educate yourself about the types of drugs your husband has and is being given. Many of the side effects can be explained; including the anger and depression. This morning I pulled out the pharmaceutical sheets we were given when we first met with the oncologist to develop a plan of treatment. I grabbed my highliter and went through each side effect of each drug, highliting each symptom my husband has. When I was finished, I had a LOT of yellow!!! It's difficult to remember that our loved one's actions and reactions are not necessarily a choice they are making. They may be related to the drugs they are administered. I would be willing to bet your husband is not proud of the way he treats you "behind closed doors".  I know my own husband freely admits he doesn't mean to treat me that way and apologizes. Yet, that doesn't stop it from happening again. And again. It's like he isn't in control. This helps me to understand, somewhat. I still get my feelings hurt and still have crying spats. Other's well meant encouragements of "hang in there" are all they can offer, simply because they DON'T know the full extent of what goes on. Take their offerings and thank them. They offer all they know how.