help this is new for me!

margaret54

help!  i'm so glad i found this site . .you all sound so amazing, lots of wisdom and compassion out there . . .

i'm taking care of a friend right now and his usual personality is one those "all about me" people. and even though it could be distressing--considering he rarely took interest in what i was doing--our relationship was still doable.  i just figured he couldn't help the way he was, and that from time to time i'd have to routinely remind him that it wasn't "all about him." he'd always apologize and make an effort to be more interested in my life, but now, well things have changed, my friends.  i instinctively knew that when he got diagnosed with cancer, that he would become entirely self-absorbed, and he has not disappointed.  he says he has no cognitive skills due to his 'chemo brain" and wants everyone to fill out his paper work, and says he can't read anymore, but then he read one book "dying to be me" about a cancer survivor, in one night, so his cognitive skills can't be that bad."  i read up on chemo brain, and it and  did say it could cause personality disturbances:  agressive behavior and the like, and that is definitely the way he is with me.  he doesn't get that i am giving him free rides to his treatments even though the doctor told him he could drive himself. i never charge him for gas even though he knows i'm struggling.  he complains the whole time about my driving.  i bring him food over and he doesn't even say "thank you." i feel like i'm nothing to him but a paid employeed.  see, i don't expect a "thank you" from an employer but a friend you're giving rides to their cancer treatments?  hell yeah, a thank you seems to be in order.  

the first thing my husband said to me when we got my friends diagnosis was:  "you know mark is just going to eat up all the attention he will so readily get having cancer."  it is not a very nice thing to say, but it's true.  his cancer is very treatable, his symptoms not bad, and the treatment is very short: only one month.  my husband has melanoma and though his scans are clear, it can come back anytime and probably will according to the doctors because they can't find the primary tumour.  yet my man has been stoic and kind through it all.  and my hubbie was in stage III part c, so it is very serious--much more so than my friend's cancer. . .my hubbie tells me: "if he is going to be such an ****, back off, tell him to cook his own meals, drive himself to his cancer treatments."  but my friend says he's "too sick."  which i think he's bullshitting because even though he is legitamatley cancer ridden, it has not progressed to being bed ridden at all.  he walks with energy, and his mind is a sharp as a tack when he's talking about himself or anything he's interested in. . .suddenly his chemobrain seems to magically clear up when were talking about him. i don't want to get mad at him obviously because of his cancer, and i know he's essentially "acting out," and i was close to calling him on his behavior until i got to this site, and from what i've read, it seems to me that i just need to exhibit more patience and just let it be all about him.  which i'm planning on doing, but i just hope when he gets well, that he will show me some kind of appreciation. that is all i want:  some appreciation. am i being too petty here?

Ladylacy

He is using you

He is using you.  My husband has been fighting cancer for 4 years and been on in-home hospice for 14 months but does for himself what he can.   For some chemo brain is an excuse and as long as you continue to do for him, he will continue to expect you too.  And as far as taking him to treatments when he can drive and not pay for gas, that is wrong.  In today's time, every penny counts.  You are lucky that you husband is not making you stop.  Tell your friend, no more, enough is enough.  Apparently his personality has scared others away from him.

Yes cancer is horrible but for the majority, they don't want to be babied, they want to do for themselves as long as they can.  Maybe he needs counseling to find out why he is the way he is.  And no you shouldn't let it be all about him.  Apparently he is one of the lucky ones, and will be able to beat his cancer for those that can't and didn't, they would like to be in his shoes.  

margaret54

Ladylacy said:

He is using you

He is using you.  My husband has been fighting cancer for 4 years and been on in-home hospice for 14 months but does for himself what he can.   For some chemo brain is an excuse and as long as you continue to do for him, he will continue to expect you too.  And as far as taking him to treatments when he can drive and not pay for gas, that is wrong.  In today's time, every penny counts.  You are lucky that you husband is not making you stop.  Tell your friend, no more, enough is enough.  Apparently his personality has scared others away from him.

Yes cancer is horrible but for the majority, they don't want to be babied, they want to do for themselves as long as they can.  Maybe he needs counseling to find out why he is the way he is.  And no you shouldn't let it be all about him.  Apparently he is one of the lucky ones, and will be able to beat his cancer for those that can't and didn't, they would like to be in his shoes.  

shedding lite!

yes, thank you!  he is very lucky to have caught it quick.  i'm so sorry for what you are going through.  good luck, thanks for the advice.

grandmafay

Cut Back

yes, he!s using you. He is also misusing his cancer. I lost my husband 5 years ago this week after a 6 year battle with colon cancer. He made a point of doing whatever he could until the day he died. Taking advantage of a cancer dx, especially when your prognosis is good, is both unethical and unfair. Yes, chemo is hard. My husband was a repeat customer at the chemo lab. I would suggest, though, that you tell your friend that it is time to put on his big boy pants. You don't have to totally quit helping him out, but you do need to cut back. Also, if you are driving him to chemo ask for gas money. He can only take advantage of you if you let him. 

margaret54

grandmafay said:

Cut Back

yes, he!s using you. He is also misusing his cancer. I lost my husband 5 years ago this week after a 6 year battle with colon cancer. He made a point of doing whatever he could until the day he died. Taking advantage of a cancer dx, especially when your prognosis is good, is both unethical and unfair. Yes, chemo is hard. My husband was a repeat customer at the chemo lab. I would suggest, though, that you tell your friend that it is time to put on his big boy pants. You don't have to totally quit helping him out, but you do need to cut back. Also, if you are driving him to chemo ask for gas money. He can only take advantage of you if you let him. 

thank you

thank you so much for your feedback. i'm so sorry about your husband. i hope and pray you are okay.  once again, thank you.

ioanna

He is using you. Stop serving

He is using you. Stop serving him. I was diagnosed with stage 2b cervical cancer last year and I am still fighting. I haven't stopped work for a single day and I can almost always help myself.