Another lump... does it ever end?
Remember the lump that everyone thought was a clip? (My neck is full of clips since the radical dissection).
Then it wasn't a clip, the needle aspiration came back 'acellular'.
But then my consultant wanted to repeat the needle biopsy mid-September, as he isn't satisfied that the needle actually took cells from the lump? So I had allowed myself to feel all relieved and everything for nothing. "Acellular" doesn't mean no cancer cells. At that appointment, he also explained to me about "micrometastatic disease". That wiped the smile off my face.
The lump itself seemed to recede and be less easy to palpate since the needly stuff.
I'm low at the moment. Low in mood, grumpy, sad, tired... and the 'lump' is definitely palpable now. It's bigger and is attached to my trachea.
I'm at clinic again on Wednesday (3rd Sept).
Sorry for posting this. It just doesn't get any easier does it.
All my efforts to reduce lymphedema have come to nought.
Still only on liquids.
Speech is still ropey. People say my speech is GREAT. But the speech I HEAR sounds terrible. IT IS NOT MY VOICE. I have lost myself. It's like I, Estelle, don't exist any more, only in my thoughts. Trapped inside, like how my dear, lovely Dad only exists now as a voice in my mind "I love you darling..." He died Christmas 2007. Didn't think anything could hurt as much as that. I was mistaken.
Remember how I said my sense of taste was coming back a treat? Well that's long gone. Everything tastes as bitter as hell. EVERYTHING. I can't even be bothered with Ensure now.
Everyone screaming about how MARVELLOUS everything is, how well I am looking, and sounding, isn't it all SO wonderful.
Everyone cracks the same HILARIOUS joke about how FANTASTIC my weight loss is, "but of course you didn't want to get cancer to lose weight HAHAHA!" I am sick of pretending to laugh, pretending cancer was the best thing ever to happen to me. Because I am a Psychiatric Nurse, I understand they are doing it to shield themselves... And who wouldn't. I am uncomfortable for people now. I am not the person they knew.
I have lost 115 pounds since last August.
I'm exhausted. All I can do is drag myself to work and back. All I want to do is stay in bed and sleep as best I can, but when I wake up my neck skin is so tight and burny that it hurts to move. I have no speech at all for about the first hour after waking.
It was my 43rd Birthday last Saturday.
None of this was supposed to happen.
I was just a normal little person just living life, trying to help people and be a good nurse to troubled souls. I love my little cats and I try to be a good daughter to my mum (83). My husband needs a bit of looking after too sometimes - he's a lot older than me. I have always done my best and worked hard and been as kind as I could. I have made mistakes too and got things wrong, but surely I didn't deserve any of this. None of us do. Nobody deserves this. Honestly I just can't believe it sometimes
Please don't be cross about this post, I just can't help it.
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