Selfishness / Irritation / Impatient??

mada1979

Hi All;

 

Recently my wife was diagnosed with S1 breast cancer (In May 2014). In lieu of a lumpectomy, the Dr suggested a double masectomy. Surgery went well, recovery period was a little edgy but got through it relatively well. Right now she is on ACT chemo. The AC portion went as what you would expect, and her last treatment of the AC was 3 weeks ago. Currently, she is on the taxol treatment. 2 down, 9 more to go on a weekly basis. 2 weeks ago she developed a blood clot in her neck, they think due to the port. Now she is on blood thinners, both injections at home and pills for an undetermined amount of time.

Emotionally, so far I have been great with both myself and my wife.. But the past week I have found myself getting irritated, feeling a little selfish, and getting rather grumpy about the whole thing. Even though I know that she is going through a very difficult period, I seem to, at times, take it out on her. I know myself never to be this kind of person, and I would like to change this. Are these normal feelings? Has anyone else felt the same way? What can I do to cope a little better? I think it's due to the lifestlye changes that we both have had to make the past several months.

 

Any input would be really appreciated.

 

New Flower

Welcome to the site

Welcome and sorry for your situation. It is hard to say what is normal. As much as we all have been trying nothing is normal about cancer. 

We did a very good step, come here speak up about your feelings and look for advice.

i think good books or counseling can help. "Breast cancer husband " book was suggested. My hubby did not read it. 

Hugs to you

carkris

It is just as hard to be the

It is just as hard to be the caregiver as it is to be the patient. You stll need support and do the things that nourish you. Ther is a book called Breast Cancer Husband that you might like. My husband wouldnt read it, hehe. but thats just him. (God forbid we should talk of any emotion)  I will see if the guys will check in and give you some help

disneyfan2008

Hello..
I am impressed you

Hello..

I am impressed you know all you know about your wife...My husband just knows I had cancer-no real details or meds-NO idea of any of my Drs names etc.

 

I have never been on the care giver side but I am sure stressful as all get out...have you checked for  s upport group? I think the best thing of all is YOU realize, see, admit it and not in denial of your feelings and action and are seeking help.

 

Have you considered a journal?

Denise

disneyfan2008

sorry I have tried to delete

sorry I have tried to delete mutilipl posts and it won't allow me to..dang

disneyfan2008

carkris said:

It is just as hard to be the

It is just as hard to be the caregiver as it is to be the patient. You stll need support and do the things that nourish you. Ther is a book called Breast Cancer Husband that you might like. My husband wouldnt read it, hehe. but thats just him. (God forbid we should talk of any emotion)  I will see if the guys will check in and give you some help

carkris

My husband is the same way..even to this day when he says the work cancer i's like hush hush voice...

 

HE wouldn't read up on anything at all either..

 

Denise

mada1979

disneyfan2008 said:

sorry I have tried to delete

sorry I have tried to delete mutilipl posts and it won't allow me to..dang

The book

not a problem haha... Funny thing. I have that book. I'm just not the "reading" type. Social interaction for me is better.

soul-mate

mada1979 said:

The book

not a problem haha... Funny thing. I have that book. I'm just not the "reading" type. Social interaction for me is better.

Not a Book Worm!

Sorry to hear about everything happening and wish you both the best ahead on your journey. As a caregiver for a year now, I can say, you will have to adjust to a new normal and accept the challenge ahead head on. It's overwhelming at first as it's a learning curve but it is very doable.

Once you have absorbed the facts and challenges ahead all will fall into place one day at a time. Being there for her will make a big difference on her well being.

As mentioned above you like to interact with people. I would suggest to go to the chatroom and you will be surprised how many have said it was their salvation. Hope this helps some as I was there a year ago and have no regrets to my decision. Take Care 

SOUL-MATE

camul

welcome to this site!
I am not surprused. I think it is sometimes harder for those that are helping me, than it is for me. The caregivers, or family wants to be able to fix it, and want everything to be the same and it isn't.
I was newly single after 20 years but friendly with my ex, hr wouldnt talk about it period, so our two teenage boys couldnt even go to him. It was difficult. The day I finished my chemo, they all thought that I would be back to normal. Then there were 6 surgeries due to complications with the reconstruction. But honestly, life was never the same after that. In some ways life was better, yet it took years b4 my boys even talked about it. Both were angry, ex was scared that I wouldnt make it and he didnt know what to do.
Then 8 years later, we alll went to the initial visits and make decisions based on educated conversations, even my ex has been more involved. It is with this last 4 years that we have all talked about the possilites and the known outcome. Bottom line is we all talk more and have gotten much closer.
Give it a little time, the whirlwind ofthe diagnosis and all the initial shock is wearing off and now reality sets in. I think being angry is normal, you just need to find an outlet for it... other than your wife, be it running, golf, therapy, or even volunteering. ny thing that will take you away from it once in a while to give yourself a chance to absorb it all.
This diaease affects the whole family, not just the one in treatment!
Glad you are there for he though, that in itself is a very good thing.
Wish you both the best.

Double Whammy

camul said:

welcome to this site!
I am not surprused. I think it is sometimes harder for those that are helping me, than it is for me. The caregivers, or family wants to be able to fix it, and want everything to be the same and it isn't.
I was newly single after 20 years but friendly with my ex, hr wouldnt talk about it period, so our two teenage boys couldnt even go to him. It was difficult. The day I finished my chemo, they all thought that I would be back to normal. Then there were 6 surgeries due to complications with the reconstruction. But honestly, life was never the same after that. In some ways life was better, yet it took years b4 my boys even talked about it. Both were angry, ex was scared that I wouldnt make it and he didnt know what to do.
Then 8 years later, we alll went to the initial visits and make decisions based on educated conversations, even my ex has been more involved. It is with this last 4 years that we have all talked about the possilites and the known outcome. Bottom line is we all talk more and have gotten much closer.
Give it a little time, the whirlwind ofthe diagnosis and all the initial shock is wearing off and now reality sets in. I think being angry is normal, you just need to find an outlet for it... other than your wife, be it running, golf, therapy, or even volunteering. ny thing that will take you away from it once in a while to give yourself a chance to absorb it all.
This diaease affects the whole family, not just the one in treatment!
Glad you are there for he though, that in itself is a very good thing.
Wish you both the best.

You're already on your way recognizing this.

I've been both the patient and the caregiver and both roles are really hard - just different.  As the patient, I was  completely self centered.  It was all about me.   My husband was great, but he admitted to me after my treatments that he did get tired of hearing about it all the time and living it.  I figured the world revolved around me; afterall, I had both breast and endometrial cancers and I was scared to death and everyone should be there for me and how dare they get tired of it. 

 I finished treatments for breast cancer 3 1/2 years ago.   So then about a year ago my husband was dx'd with prostate cancer and our roles reversed.  It is really hard to watch someone you love deal with the unknown and know the fear  they're probably feeling.   He had radiation and hormone deprivation only.  No surgery, no chemotherapy.  Radiation was easy and he was a champ all through it.  Hormone deprivation is very much like our aromotase inhibitors or tamoxifen and becoming menopausal.  He's fatigued, he's moody, weight gain, and all those things that go along with suppressing testosterone.  Just like us on anti-estrogen thereapy.  You can't see it.  You just feel it.  It's hard for me sometimes to be sympathetic and not be angry.   I find mysefl thinking he's being a wimp, being lazy, etc.  I have to remind myself what I know about cancer treatments and the effects they can have for a lifetime.  My hair didn't come back.  I was terribly depressed and obsessed for a long time.  It felt like he didn't care and I felt like I've lost part of my breast, all of my parts that made me a woman and now this?   I try to remember what I think I needed at that time and not dismiss anything that he wants/needs to talk about.  It's not always easy but I try.

Once your wife's treatments are over, it won't be over her for quite a while.  I still come here and I was dx'd in 2010.  Time will indeed make it better for her, but you've got to do the time to get to the other side of it.  And no one knows how much time that will be.  Because we're all different.   I have to remember this with my husband.  That you recognize your feelings is really a big deal.  PM me if you want a toll free number for a caregiver's support group.  It's an easy experience - done in the privacy of your home.   There are also face-to-face support groups you might find helpful.  Your cancer center should be able to provide you with a list.  And then, there's us.  This group got me through it all.  Someone is always online it seems, so don't forget us. 

Wishing you and your wife positive outcomes.

 

Pixie Dust

Double Whammy said:

You're already on your way recognizing this.

I've been both the patient and the caregiver and both roles are really hard - just different.  As the patient, I was  completely self centered.  It was all about me.   My husband was great, but he admitted to me after my treatments that he did get tired of hearing about it all the time and living it.  I figured the world revolved around me; afterall, I had both breast and endometrial cancers and I was scared to death and everyone should be there for me and how dare they get tired of it. 

 I finished treatments for breast cancer 3 1/2 years ago.   So then about a year ago my husband was dx'd with prostate cancer and our roles reversed.  It is really hard to watch someone you love deal with the unknown and know the fear  they're probably feeling.   He had radiation and hormone deprivation only.  No surgery, no chemotherapy.  Radiation was easy and he was a champ all through it.  Hormone deprivation is very much like our aromotase inhibitors or tamoxifen and becoming menopausal.  He's fatigued, he's moody, weight gain, and all those things that go along with suppressing testosterone.  Just like us on anti-estrogen thereapy.  You can't see it.  You just feel it.  It's hard for me sometimes to be sympathetic and not be angry.   I find mysefl thinking he's being a wimp, being lazy, etc.  I have to remind myself what I know about cancer treatments and the effects they can have for a lifetime.  My hair didn't come back.  I was terribly depressed and obsessed for a long time.  It felt like he didn't care and I felt like I've lost part of my breast, all of my parts that made me a woman and now this?   I try to remember what I think I needed at that time and not dismiss anything that he wants/needs to talk about.  It's not always easy but I try.

Once your wife's treatments are over, it won't be over her for quite a while.  I still come here and I was dx'd in 2010.  Time will indeed make it better for her, but you've got to do the time to get to the other side of it.  And no one knows how much time that will be.  Because we're all different.   I have to remember this with my husband.  That you recognize your feelings is really a big deal.  PM me if you want a toll free number for a caregiver's support group.  It's an easy experience - done in the privacy of your home.   There are also face-to-face support groups you might find helpful.  Your cancer center should be able to provide you with a list.  And then, there's us.  This group got me through it all.  Someone is always online it seems, so don't forget us. 

Wishing you and your wife positive outcomes.

 

Good Reply

Double Wammy, I would just like to say to you that the reply you responded to was very interesting and I  know it was good advice and encourangement for a lot of people. I hope alot of people that is in this kind of need reads this because the words you spoke are truly helpful. I am very sorry to hear about your husband. I hope both of you are doing well. Hugs, Pixie Dust

RozHopkins

Thank you for being there for

Thank you for being there for your wife first.  Doesn't it kind of sound like when you loose some one close.  Sadness, depressed, angry.  I think the length of treatment doesn't help and the sometimes permanent body changes.  We hate it, our hubbies hate it.  Apart from our body for some of us being mutilated at a time when we are going through the change!!  A nightmare either one for many.  Then aching in every bone as if you were a 90 year old.  Then the years of horrible drugs.  It's very hard and then the recurrence fear for the rest of your life.  It can grind down the most life loving person and they're carer.  Of course you are angry, you don't see an end to it and want to, and so does she.  When all the invasive treatment is done and healed, after you have read the recommended book and use the chat line, go away somewhere you both love just the two of you and talk about all the changes now and in your new future, (be honest) then try to move forward.  My hubby's come back line is 'if it comes back we're insured' and that there is the difference in how a man thinks and how a woman thinks.  He thinks it's the right answer and I let him think it is because that's how he copes, though on a bad day I may have to bite my tongue or not!  Keep well, have some time to yourself.  Good luck to your wife, you have both been through a lot.

GlowMore

RozHopkins said:

Thank you for being there for

Thank you for being there for your wife first.  Doesn't it kind of sound like when you loose some one close.  Sadness, depressed, angry.  I think the length of treatment doesn't help and the sometimes permanent body changes.  We hate it, our hubbies hate it.  Apart from our body for some of us being mutilated at a time when we are going through the change!!  A nightmare either one for many.  Then aching in every bone as if you were a 90 year old.  Then the years of horrible drugs.  It's very hard and then the recurrence fear for the rest of your life.  It can grind down the most life loving person and they're carer.  Of course you are angry, you don't see an end to it and want to, and so does she.  When all the invasive treatment is done and healed, after you have read the recommended book and use the chat line, go away somewhere you both love just the two of you and talk about all the changes now and in your new future, (be honest) then try to move forward.  My hubby's come back line is 'if it comes back we're insured' and that there is the difference in how a man thinks and how a woman thinks.  He thinks it's the right answer and I let him think it is because that's how he copes, though on a bad day I may have to bite my tongue or not!  Keep well, have some time to yourself.  Good luck to your wife, you have both been through a lot.

How to Cope...

I think your wife is one lucky woman to have a husband who cares enough to seek help with his normal feelings during a life changing event.  Before my husband died I was his Care Giver...his was a different disease but I know how it feels to hurt for the one you love and feel so helpless.  I went to a Discussion Group and learned a lot.  I also read all I could find.  Fear is a terrible thing and fear of loss is really hard to deal with....sending prayers to both of you for strength as you continue on this hard road.   When I was diagnosed with BC in 2002, and after the surgeries (lumpectomy and port placement) but before the chemo/radiation, my oncologist required that I see a psychiatrist.  I did see him for a two hour visit and I remember vividly beginning to cry, because I had cared for my husband...but he had died....and now....who would care for me?   Later as I went thru treatment I discovered that I just needed to hold on to Jesus Christ to make it through, and although I am Stage 3A and they are looking for it to return...so far it has not and I remain in remission.  Try to read that book the girls are telling you about if you can....maybe it will help you.

VickiSam

GlowMore said:

How to Cope...

I think your wife is one lucky woman to have a husband who cares enough to seek help with his normal feelings during a life changing event.  Before my husband died I was his Care Giver...his was a different disease but I know how it feels to hurt for the one you love and feel so helpless.  I went to a Discussion Group and learned a lot.  I also read all I could find.  Fear is a terrible thing and fear of loss is really hard to deal with....sending prayers to both of you for strength as you continue on this hard road.   When I was diagnosed with BC in 2002, and after the surgeries (lumpectomy and port placement) but before the chemo/radiation, my oncologist required that I see a psychiatrist.  I did see him for a two hour visit and I remember vividly beginning to cry, because I had cared for my husband...but he had died....and now....who would care for me?   Later as I went thru treatment I discovered that I just needed to hold on to Jesus Christ to make it through, and although I am Stage 3A and they are looking for it to return...so far it has not and I remain in remission.  Try to read that book the girls are telling you about if you can....maybe it will help you.

How are things?

Are you feeling any less anxious?   Talk to the Social worker, or Oncologist staff memeber --  see if there is a 'care taker' support group that you can check out ... 

Care takers, Anchors and Sufficient Others need support, sounding board and a place to SCREAM --  just my humble opinion.

Strength, Courage and HOPE for a Cure.

Vicki Sam  

Heatherbelle

I highly suggest finding and

I highly suggest finding and speaking to a therapist/counselor. Just you, not as a couple. Your position as caregiver comes with it's own set of stresses. Please find a counselor you can talk to for yourself. My husband was an excellent caregiver for me but as soon as chemo wss done, and I didn't bounce right bsck to normal,  he got resentful toward me and I couldn't get him to listen to me when I started saying that things were getting bad between us. And now four years later, im in the midst of a divorce and a recurrence of the cancer. You need to have someone to talk about YOUR pains, stresses, and fears also.

Take care,

Heather

TKMomma60

carkris said:

It is just as hard to be the

It is just as hard to be the caregiver as it is to be the patient. You stll need support and do the things that nourish you. Ther is a book called Breast Cancer Husband that you might like. My husband wouldnt read it, hehe. but thats just him. (God forbid we should talk of any emotion)  I will see if the guys will check in and give you some help

Did you marry my husband (God

Did you marry my husband (God forbid we should talk of any emotion).  They're twins.