Don't know how to feel

JohnRoberts Member Posts: 1

My husband was told in January that he had stage 4 non aggressive lymphoma. The only reason it was stage 4 was it was in his bone marrow and no where else. He did 6 chemo treatments and was told it was in remission, last month I took him to the er with shortness of breath and fatigue. After being admitted and countless test we were told the cancer was back. We started chemo right away he was giving a more aggressive chemo and also spinal injections after we found out the lymphoma had invaded his spinal fluid. Considering he had cancer he felt pretty well when we came home The day before his doctors appointment for second round chemo he became confused and didn't know who I was. He was readmitted with high calcium level and given meds to bring it down. While in the hospital we where told the spinal fluid had cleared with treatment but that his blood counts were very low,the nulasta shot had not helped and that anymore chemo could harm him. We have stopped treatment and brought him home with Hospice care. They are wonderful to him and also me. The problem I am having is I don't know if it is wrong of me to feel the way I do. I love him so much and don't want to lose him but at the same time I wish God would take him home to end his pain. I would do anything if I could make him well but I don't want him to be in pain and suffer. He doesn't eat, drinks little and I have had to start using liquid pain meds because I can't get him to take pills. Thanks for listening


  • Ladylacy
    Ladylacy Member Posts: 773 Member

    I don't think you are alone in your feelings.  My husband elected no further treatments back in January and today I watch as energy levels are much lower but thank goodness his pain level isn't too bad, that he complains about.  His oconologist talked him into hospice back in September.  Have you thought about that?  He is on a feeding tube and has been since May 2012 when he underwent a second round of radiation and chemo.  He can't swallow because his esophagus is very narrow and blocked by his tumor.  I pray that his pain doesn't become so bad that we can't handle it at home.  I certainly don't want him to suffer and pray that it is peaceful.  I watched my mother die and thank goodness she was in a coma and didn't know what was going on.

    Wishing you and your husband the best -- Sharon


  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member

    When my husband was placed on hospice, I prayed for a quick, peaceful passing. I felt blessed when that prayer was answered. That doesn't mean we love them any less. In fact, I think it shows that we love them more. i think most of us wish we could fix them, take away their pain, but sometimes we have to let them go. I told my husband that he could go whenever he was ready. He understood how hard that was for me. He even apologized for putting me through that. I told him if he had been a real sob, none of us would care. These are very hard times. How you are feeling seems very normal to me during a time that is anything but normal. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Fay