Lung Surgery Soon - Still Quietly Freaking Out
I saw the thoracic surgeon yesterday. He said that my lung nodule was in a bad spot. He said that it was on the right lobe, closer to the heart and where there are a lot of major blood vessels. He said that ordinarily they just make 3 cuts and wedge the nodule out. He said that in my case, they might have to make a larger incision, spread the ribs, deflate the lung and take it out that way.
He's a good doctor - there is no doubt, he is a professor at Northwestern and it's an excellent hospital.
Why do I think I am not going to make it?
That is what I think. I also think I don't have many people in my life. I'm going through this - thing - where I think, all I've done, all my life is work at a career and for what? I haven't had time for much of a social life, never saw a need for it, now I want people around me and they aren't there. I feel like my thoughts are selfish.
My husband had kidney cancer. They removed his kidney and he had about 18 months of no disease, then the cancer spread to his pancrease, then he had the whipple procedure, then the cancer spread to his liver, then he went into hospice care. He died in 2007.
I keep thinking of karma. Also, was there something in the water?
I realize that - the doctors tell me that - they can't tell me why I got kidney cancer. Nobody can explain this to me rationally - it happened.
What's strange is, I feel absolutely fine. I had the nephrectomy on Sept. 6. I got over it easily. Other than, it's a little hard to get up and down from the floor and to pick stuff up - I feel like my old self.
The doctors tell me, this nodule has to come out. I had Stage 2b Grade 4, and I had the "vascular involvement." I guess, the way it was explained to me, is, I should expect tumors to pop up randomly. If this nodule is cancer - this promotes me to Stage IV.
I don't need hugs, I guess, if anyone could, tell me - ANY GOOD SUGGESTIONS about ANYTHING? Could anyone tell me (and I know I asked before) what to expect during the surgery?
Really, How do I cope? I guess that's my question.
The doctor told me yesterday that I was in good health. How confusing is that? He meant, I wasn't heavy, all the numbers coming back from blood tests etc. are great.
Do I find a support group? Is this the support group? I know on a certain level, what to do - I take the pulminary function test, then they schedule the surgery,
I'm nervous - I'm kind of babbling on with my writing and typing. Sorry it is so long.
Thank you for responding.
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