lp1964 Member Posts: 1,239 Member

Cancer grows in you silently sometimes for years. It may even spread to other organs without a notice. But boy when it shows up it takes over your body, mind and soul. 

I had severe pain at the time of diagnosis in my butt. To make sure god gave me a bad cough too, so every time I coughed the pain was excruciating, just to make sure I know that the cancer is there.

Radiation and Xeloda got rid of all my pain down there and I'm very grateful for that. It's a scary thought that without that treatment probably I would be dead by now. 

Then there come the side effects of the treatment though. Muscle spasm in the lower back one day, then in the rib cage the other. A sharp pain in the hip, then heart palpitations. Feel like you can't breath, then heavy sweating. Is that blood in my stool again. Oh, it's potato skin. My urine is red! Oh, I had beet juice last night. is this just morning cough or I got lung mets? Sometimes all this goes away, then showes up very random. It's never clear, never predictable.

I'm sure a lot of it is mental. Does nearopathy started already or I was just standing on my feet too much today? Is this stomach pain from the chemo or some food that doesn't agree with me? Diarrhea from the chemo or from anxiety?

Cancer! Just make up your mind, damn it! Actually don't make up your mind, because I may not like the way you decide.

Let's play this out. I throw in what I got with a little help of my friends and you show me what you got. I know this game will never end. Even if you lose, you will be always on my mind. So let's play gently and let's play for a long long time. Hopefully one day I can wrap my mind around you and we can just whisper ones in a while about the way we used to play.



  • mp327
    mp327 Member Posts: 4,440 Member

    Very well said. 

    I was never one of those people who ran to the doctor with every little ache or pain.  Instead, I always told myself to walk it off.  Unfortunately, I did that for too long with the symptoms I had which were signals my body was sending me that something was wrong.  I ignored them as long as I could, but lucky for me, at the time of my diagnosis, my tumor was still on the small side.  Now in the post-treatment phase, I have tried hard not to become somewhat of a hypochondriac, thinking that each time something hurts or pains me, it's something dreadful.  I was very fortunate to have had enough sense to know that I was in serious trouble back in January when I had the intestinal obstruction.  Some things just can't be ignored!  I now recognize that particular kind of pain and know it's nothing to brush off.  

    This journey will never end, but overall, it does get easier.  Thanks for posting your thoughts. 

  • Marynb
    Marynb Member Posts: 1,118
    Yes! Thank you for posting this. I don't know if time makes it easier to put it in the past. May we all live long enough to grow old and forget it all!