WHAT KEEPS YOU GOING?

joemetz

lp1964 said:

WHAT GETS ME GOING

I am way to early into the process to say "What KEEPS me going". I just started chemo and radiation and besides some fever and weakness I haven't felt the effect of the cancer or the treatment. Before I told my wife I had all kinds of thoughts: I'm not telling anybody, I'm not getting any treatment go back to Europe and just die in my sister's arms.

One early morning I had such a bad anxiety that I was 100% sure that I'm gonna die. I was walking up and down at 2 am, because I felt if I stopped I would die. I didn't sleep a bit and left for work at 6am. I must have fainted or fell asleep, because I woke up in a wreched car. I hit a tree at 80mph. the engine was next to me toucking the passenger seat. I only had a 1/4 inch cut on my pinky. Since then I did several reaserch and even a accident expert said that I'm not supposed to have survived such a deceleration, my heart should have been torn off the aorta. Still I walked way. Talking about an Omen to survive.

That day I told my wife about the cancer, which was scary and a relief at the same time. Relif, because I didn't have to carry this weight alone. Scarry, because now I'm not the only one who is gonna make decisions about what's next.

A couple of years ago I decided to actively seek out the good things in life, stop and appreciate them and make sure that I conclude every day as good by doing something that makes every day worth while. 

If you think about it we only have control over one day. Something can scare you or piss you off for a few hours and you are gonna have an emotional reaction. A week is too long to have control over, but we can all make each day a good one. Well, that's how I tried to live and now that I have cancer it is ever more important to live like this. ONE DAY AT THE TIME.

I have so much in my head that it won't always allow me to live like that, but I certainly will try every day.

I think asking questions like Joe above ( with all the respect) is not useful and meaningless. I believe we got cancer for multiple reasons: genetic, bad diet, bad lifestyle, environmental pollution, stress etc. Maybe God gives you cancer to try you, see what you do with it. In my case maybe God gave it to me telling me: "Well son, You always wanted to live one day at the time, notice the beauty in the world. Let's see how it works for you under extremely difficult circumstances." All the great people who do so much for others had the same illness. How do you think that woman who started that big organization for breast cancer awareness and research. Either she or someone she love had breast cancer. How else is she gonna be motivated, but experiencing the dissease.

I have a beautiful supportive wife, a teenage daughter, 3 syblings, a great profession as a dentist, a lot to live for, but only on day at the time.

The only thing I don't know if I'm gonna be able to deal with many of you had to: recurrence, metastases, liver resection, debilitating chemo etc.

Well, hopefully that is still far away to think about and I certainly try not to ruin my present days with those scarry thoughts.

I try to concentrate on the things I like: work, gardening, cooking, making my home nice. Spend valuable time with my wife, daughter.

Just keep doing things I always liked to do.

Thank you for reading and...

...nothing but good days for you all.

Laz

.

Laz

Laz

 

I hope you're able to keep this possitive motion and vibes through your entire fight.

I remember being where you are and I wish you the best in this battle.

 

Joe

annalexandria

joemetz said:

What keeps me going?????? --- Great Question!

I have to say, after reading everyones posts that past few days, I've been thinking each night if I was going to reply. 

And, then i thought... "joe if you reply will you be honest, or 'say what everyone wants to hear?'.

 

Well, I have to say it... 

Fist let me appologize for "sniping" the post as this might go off in an unexpected direction.

 

I was brought Catholic. 12 years of catholic eduction. Jesuit Priest for high school teaching Be A "Man for Others" as their foundation to raising teenage boys into Men.  I am married to who has now become my best friend.... for 24 years, who was not raised Catholic.

we have four kids and we're raising them catholic.  

I am diagnosed stage IV colon cancer in November 2011.... I've had 2 surgeries, 50 chemo treatments and everything has been all cancer for 20 months.

so, my family is what is keeping me going.

Gotcha... you were thinking my faith. Instead my faith has gone to being mad. I feel like I am being punished for something. Jesus didn't deserve to die... but he did it to save the sins of others. 

is a cancer patient taking hte bullet for the sins of those around him?

If God is all knowing, why is there childhood cancers? He can control all things... then why do sick people continue to pray for good things... only to get a new drug to help the fight.  Its a simple question, and it disturbs me to say it...  But God, where are you?

The devil is winning this fight and this entire battle. People raising major money for all cancer charities, events and paying all the bills to these oncologists and cancer centers.... moving lots of money, appearing to be moving lots of caring people to take care of a bunch of dying people... all for big money

Great!

then, I get a card from a friend that says "God only gives you what you can handle".

I am 49 years old, and yes, i can handle a lot.... but the person who said that to me has to be the most unthoughtful person I've encountered.

 

I hope my "quetioning of God and his presence in our lifes is something that is short lived, but that's where I'm at with my faith."

why would God take the father away form four young kids? Kids need a month AND a father. (especially a father as cool as me)

Why would God take the husband from a 24 year marriage, we have too many single, divorsed and/or lonely poeple in the world.

Why would God take the youngest son from a Mom?

Why would God take the youngest brother from 2 sisters and 1 brother?

Why would God take the owner/leader and boss of a small business that employes 120, which is doing so many great things for our compunity and creating lifestyle for our employees and their families?

 

Sorry, I know its a pitty party.... but I'm Pushing On and Fighting Hard for my Wife, Four Kids, My extended families of relation, work, customers and others.

I'm waiting for the signs to help understand all of this. I'm hoping I don't stay mad at God, but it sure is hard to go to church.

I say to my wife.... I sure am Glad everyone else goes to Church to pray for us... cuz it sure is hard for me to pray for me.

 

So, my only prayer these days is "why God?"  "Why Cancer?"

then, I quickly say... If you cannot help me, help everyone else who has helped me... and please please pleases God, NEVER give this terrible crap to my wife or my four kids.

 

Hugs

 

Joe

 

(I look forward to everyones reply)

 

 

Joe, I think you've hit on one of the most challenging aspects

of how one's faith co-exists with a terminal illness.  I hope that others here who are religious can answer some of your very essential questions.  I'm not religious at all, so don't have to struggle to understand why things like this happen, to me or to anyone else.  For me, it just comes down to biology and the natural world, so no hard feelings.  But as a religious person, I would imagine this situation is very difficult.  I'm sorry, and I hope others who share your beliefs can help you with this.  Hugs~AA

Chelsea71

joemetz said:

Laz

Laz

 

I hope you're able to keep this possitive motion and vibes through your entire fight.

I remember being where you are and I wish you the best in this battle.

 

Joe

Joe, you are completely
Joe, you are completely justified in asking these questions and having these doubts. I am not a religious person, however if I was, I would be feeling completely disillusioned right now. Like you and your wife, Steve and my life for the past two years has been constant sickness, surgeries, complications, hospital stays, tests, appointments, disappointments and heart ache. Steve has stayed very positive and motivated and has moved forward as he faced each new obstacle. Spending a lot of time in hospitals, we have seen so much illness and suffering. I think your feelings are completely normal. You have had a rough time of it, especially these last few months.

It's easy to stay positive and enjoy one day at a time when you are just starting out and feel good and strong. But after 30 chemos, three surgeries, recurrences, thrombosis issues......it starts to take a frigging toll. It becomes increasingly hard to keep up a strong fight. I totally understand your doubts. I hope you get your answers.

Chelsea

lp1964

joemetz said:

Laz

Laz

 

I hope you're able to keep this possitive motion and vibes through your entire fight.

I remember being where you are and I wish you the best in this battle.

 

Joe

Dear Joe,

I know exactly what you mean. I am at the very beginning of my journey and haven't experienced the fraction of what you did.

The reason I started this subject is, because I read your and other people's stories and honestly I cannot believe what you guys have been through.

And again I meant no disrespect. Contrary, I have the greatest RESPECT.

I wish more people would have opened up about their fears, doubts and every day motivations, so we could all learn from one an other.

Some people draw strength from anger, some from God, some just accept the way things are. So far I have been able to draw stregth from being optimistic and live for the positive things in life. I pray that no matter how bad it gets I don't turn bitter, angry or blaming myself or others.

Maybe this is not possible and the pain will brake me. But I know the greatest motivation for me to fight is not just to survive, but still find meaning in my life.

All the best,

Laz

 

jen2012

joemetz said:

What keeps me going?????? --- Great Question!

I have to say, after reading everyones posts that past few days, I've been thinking each night if I was going to reply. 

And, then i thought... "joe if you reply will you be honest, or 'say what everyone wants to hear?'.

 

Well, I have to say it... 

Fist let me appologize for "sniping" the post as this might go off in an unexpected direction.

 

I was brought Catholic. 12 years of catholic eduction. Jesuit Priest for high school teaching Be A "Man for Others" as their foundation to raising teenage boys into Men.  I am married to who has now become my best friend.... for 24 years, who was not raised Catholic.

we have four kids and we're raising them catholic.  

I am diagnosed stage IV colon cancer in November 2011.... I've had 2 surgeries, 50 chemo treatments and everything has been all cancer for 20 months.

so, my family is what is keeping me going.

Gotcha... you were thinking my faith. Instead my faith has gone to being mad. I feel like I am being punished for something. Jesus didn't deserve to die... but he did it to save the sins of others. 

is a cancer patient taking hte bullet for the sins of those around him?

If God is all knowing, why is there childhood cancers? He can control all things... then why do sick people continue to pray for good things... only to get a new drug to help the fight.  Its a simple question, and it disturbs me to say it...  But God, where are you?

The devil is winning this fight and this entire battle. People raising major money for all cancer charities, events and paying all the bills to these oncologists and cancer centers.... moving lots of money, appearing to be moving lots of caring people to take care of a bunch of dying people... all for big money

Great!

then, I get a card from a friend that says "God only gives you what you can handle".

I am 49 years old, and yes, i can handle a lot.... but the person who said that to me has to be the most unthoughtful person I've encountered.

 

I hope my "quetioning of God and his presence in our lifes is something that is short lived, but that's where I'm at with my faith."

why would God take the father away form four young kids? Kids need a month AND a father. (especially a father as cool as me)

Why would God take the husband from a 24 year marriage, we have too many single, divorsed and/or lonely poeple in the world.

Why would God take the youngest son from a Mom?

Why would God take the youngest brother from 2 sisters and 1 brother?

Why would God take the owner/leader and boss of a small business that employes 120, which is doing so many great things for our compunity and creating lifestyle for our employees and their families?

 

Sorry, I know its a pitty party.... but I'm Pushing On and Fighting Hard for my Wife, Four Kids, My extended families of relation, work, customers and others.

I'm waiting for the signs to help understand all of this. I'm hoping I don't stay mad at God, but it sure is hard to go to church.

I say to my wife.... I sure am Glad everyone else goes to Church to pray for us... cuz it sure is hard for me to pray for me.

 

So, my only prayer these days is "why God?"  "Why Cancer?"

then, I quickly say... If you cannot help me, help everyone else who has helped me... and please please pleases God, NEVER give this terrible crap to my wife or my four kids.

 

Hugs

 

Joe

 

(I look forward to everyones reply)

 

 

I hear you Joe.  My husband

I hear you Joe.  My husband has very strong faith (Catholic) and our 13 yr old son is following in his footsteps.   Something I'm feeling uncomfortable about is a speech our son did for his  communication merit badge.   he gave a talk about how prayer works and went on to tell the troop about his dad having stage 4 cancer and getting so many prayers and when they did surgery they couldn't find any cancer.  That's the short version and I didn't hear it, but I do know he's a smart and thoughtful kid and I'm sure it was beautiful.   One of the dads, who happens to be a doctor, told my husband about it and he was all choked up and just said how beautiful it was.  I'm so proud of him, but worried at the same time how let down he may be if the cancer comes back.  Chances are very slim that it won't come back, but we figure why stress the kids more than they need to be, let's hope for the best.  In the back of my (crazy) mind I'm wondering if the doctor friend was so emotional because he knew our son may be let down. 

My husband tells me I need to remember that this life is temporary and what's next is what is important.  He thinks we are here for a reason and our reasons are different.    I don't know  Joe - I wish I had the answers for you.

I get angry when I think of all of the good people that suffer and all of the people that destroy lives and go on to live long healthy lives.  It doesn't make sense and it's certainly not fair. 

You may, or may not, find this helpful - read if you wish:

http://www.ourcatholicprayers.com/act-of-faith.html

I try to find/keep the faith because I think it could make life easier to believe.   I get the sense that you want to have faith - I think you may benefit from a talk with your priest or deacon. 

My prayer for you today is that you find peace, hope and strength to keep fighting. 

lp1964

jen2012 said:

I hear you Joe.  My husband

I hear you Joe.  My husband has very strong faith (Catholic) and our 13 yr old son is following in his footsteps.   Something I'm feeling uncomfortable about is a speech our son did for his  communication merit badge.   he gave a talk about how prayer works and went on to tell the troop about his dad having stage 4 cancer and getting so many prayers and when they did surgery they couldn't find any cancer.  That's the short version and I didn't hear it, but I do know he's a smart and thoughtful kid and I'm sure it was beautiful.   One of the dads, who happens to be a doctor, told my husband about it and he was all choked up and just said how beautiful it was.  I'm so proud of him, but worried at the same time how let down he may be if the cancer comes back.  Chances are very slim that it won't come back, but we figure why stress the kids more than they need to be, let's hope for the best.  In the back of my (crazy) mind I'm wondering if the doctor friend was so emotional because he knew our son may be let down. 

My husband tells me I need to remember that this life is temporary and what's next is what is important.  He thinks we are here for a reason and our reasons are different.    I don't know  Joe - I wish I had the answers for you.

I get angry when I think of all of the good people that suffer and all of the people that destroy lives and go on to live long healthy lives.  It doesn't make sense and it's certainly not fair. 

You may, or may not, find this helpful - read if you wish:

http://www.ourcatholicprayers.com/act-of-faith.html

I try to find/keep the faith because I think it could make life easier to believe.   I get the sense that you want to have faith - I think you may benefit from a talk with your priest or deacon. 

My prayer for you today is that you find peace, hope and strength to keep fighting. 

Prayer does work.

In a study in an Arizona Univercity they had a bunch of people pray for one group of patients and no prayer for the others. The group that was prayed for had better recovery. I'm not religious in a conventional sence but I believe that your mind has to be at the right places most of the time. I will try to live in this world with hope and positive outlook and when the times comes will try to leave it with no regrets and bitterness.

But I can only try.

Laz

Sundanceh

joemetz said:

What keeps me going?????? --- Great Question!

I have to say, after reading everyones posts that past few days, I've been thinking each night if I was going to reply. 

And, then i thought... "joe if you reply will you be honest, or 'say what everyone wants to hear?'.

 

Well, I have to say it... 

Fist let me appologize for "sniping" the post as this might go off in an unexpected direction.

 

I was brought Catholic. 12 years of catholic eduction. Jesuit Priest for high school teaching Be A "Man for Others" as their foundation to raising teenage boys into Men.  I am married to who has now become my best friend.... for 24 years, who was not raised Catholic.

we have four kids and we're raising them catholic.  

I am diagnosed stage IV colon cancer in November 2011.... I've had 2 surgeries, 50 chemo treatments and everything has been all cancer for 20 months.

so, my family is what is keeping me going.

Gotcha... you were thinking my faith. Instead my faith has gone to being mad. I feel like I am being punished for something. Jesus didn't deserve to die... but he did it to save the sins of others. 

is a cancer patient taking hte bullet for the sins of those around him?

If God is all knowing, why is there childhood cancers? He can control all things... then why do sick people continue to pray for good things... only to get a new drug to help the fight.  Its a simple question, and it disturbs me to say it...  But God, where are you?

The devil is winning this fight and this entire battle. People raising major money for all cancer charities, events and paying all the bills to these oncologists and cancer centers.... moving lots of money, appearing to be moving lots of caring people to take care of a bunch of dying people... all for big money

Great!

then, I get a card from a friend that says "God only gives you what you can handle".

I am 49 years old, and yes, i can handle a lot.... but the person who said that to me has to be the most unthoughtful person I've encountered.

 

I hope my "quetioning of God and his presence in our lifes is something that is short lived, but that's where I'm at with my faith."

why would God take the father away form four young kids? Kids need a month AND a father. (especially a father as cool as me)

Why would God take the husband from a 24 year marriage, we have too many single, divorsed and/or lonely poeple in the world.

Why would God take the youngest son from a Mom?

Why would God take the youngest brother from 2 sisters and 1 brother?

Why would God take the owner/leader and boss of a small business that employes 120, which is doing so many great things for our compunity and creating lifestyle for our employees and their families?

 

Sorry, I know its a pitty party.... but I'm Pushing On and Fighting Hard for my Wife, Four Kids, My extended families of relation, work, customers and others.

I'm waiting for the signs to help understand all of this. I'm hoping I don't stay mad at God, but it sure is hard to go to church.

I say to my wife.... I sure am Glad everyone else goes to Church to pray for us... cuz it sure is hard for me to pray for me.

 

So, my only prayer these days is "why God?"  "Why Cancer?"

then, I quickly say... If you cannot help me, help everyone else who has helped me... and please please pleases God, NEVER give this terrible crap to my wife or my four kids.

 

Hugs

 

Joe

 

(I look forward to everyones reply)

 

 

Hey Joe - What Do I Know....

But, here goes...

First, Why Me is a universal feeling that we all share...and there will never be a way for any of us to escape that question..

It can be overwhelming until we take a step back and see the bigger picture all around us.  When we compare our troubles to that of others, it brings things into the proper perspective when we look at this through this context.

Let's get started...

"is a cancer patient taking the bullet for the sins of those around him?"

No, Joe.  Cancer is very random and strikes each one of us up and down the line, no matter what our status in society is...it's an equal opportunity destroyer that affects people of all ages and crosses all boundaries.  Celebrity or regular folks....athletes or couch potatoes....married or single....with children and without....for richer or poorer....and in sickness and in health.

"If God is all knowing, why is there childhood cancers? He can control all things... then why do sick people continue to pray for good things... only to get a new drug to help the fight.  Its a simple question, and it disturbs me to say it...  But God, where are you?"

Now, Joe, I'll first tell you that I'm in the infancy stage of my spiritual journey...but, from my limited time studying.....this is my understanding right now...

I believe we all wonder where God is, when we see so much tragedy happening all around us that looks like it could be prevented.  And truth be told....it could be prevented.  My understanding is that He allows things to happen for those that believe in Him, so he can use that  person for His purpose that He has for your life.

Now, here's a personal story....

In 1986, my sister was set to graduate high school and go onto college....her graduation and prom were a couple of weeks away.  She loved and believed in the Lord.  She was a virgin at 18 and was saving herself for her husband - qualities all too easily forgotten in a fallen world.  One evening before dusk, she and a couple of friends went to a lake to chat or whatnot and came upon an evil man......a 4x convicted serial rapist. 

He killed her two friends...and then he murdered her too....pistol whipped her, sexually abused her, sodomized her....and then strangled her with her own panties....and threw her over a cliff like bag of garbage...

When they found her, she was only recognizable by her class ring:(

And I'm quite sure that during the assault, that she was crying out Why Me, God....and Where are You, God.....as he beating her beyond human recognition....

Having studied Dr. Stanley off and on some of my life.....and now, strongly for the past several months....the good doctor has taught me this...

Ours is not to understand.....Ours is to Trust.....our ways are not His Ways....our thoughts are not His thoughts...

The message I get over and over again is...if you believe and accept the basic premise of why Jesus died on the cross and accept Him in the ways that you must, He lives inside you....and is therefore with you....at all times.

I don't see anything in there about Him necessarily having to save everyone....but apparently, He is on the inside of you, so always there with you.

I get the struggle...I've had it all my life...my dad's deal finally took me to my knees.....but the fight was already over...and I "surrendered" again anyway. 

I came to believe something different......that there had to be somebody else.....just had to.....with all of the pain and suffering on this planet, there has to be something bigger than ourselves to handle it all.

I saw it first hand here on the board - and this place only represents a microcosm of all the suffering that the world goes through...I tried to take on everyone's pain and angst....for years up here.....over and over....more and more.....giving until I had nothing left of myself to give....

And still the people suffered....

And then it got to where it wasn't even about cancer....even for me....and that's where you see that cancer is really just a part of the story of some of or lives.....but tragedies are happening all day, every day, for everyone.....

When the weight got too much for me to bear, I cracked and broke.....and knew I couldn't save anyone, much less a board....or a planet full of hurting souls....

And so, I began my spiritual ascent with the intent of having to finally believe in something.....or I would go stark raving mad at the things I saw just happening to me and my friends....I had to turn it over finally...

As Jen alluded to, I just had to do it, so I could make some kind of sense out of the world we find ourselves living in. 

And let me tell you a quick testimonial...would you believe me if I told you God was using your post to get me to write to you today?  I don't, Joe....not anymore.

Ok, so one night, I was watching Dr. Stanley and he told me the things that I needed to do.....and when the show was over, I did them...with sincerity and earnest.....a few days went by and I did not feel any differently.  I thought I like Dr. Stanley alot....and I so much want to believe what he's telling me.....but I just didn't feel it. 

One night, I was down at my barn.  It was cold and I had the doors thrown open and found some old 40-year old Star Trek cassette tapes we had made in the early 70's....I plugged one in and was just down there listening and watching my dog  run around.

All of a sudden, I felt a peace and contentment that drugs and alcohol could never deliver....though many have tried...

And then some secular things went wrong....something said here...and other events, and I went dark, just as sure as I had seen the light.....

But, I knew what was going on...

See, Joe....He tests us....all the time....and it seems that if you believe....he tests you harder.  I've been watching the History Channel's Bible series that came on.  And I watched the examples that God used....oh man, God is a hard guy....very hard.....I watched the examples up and down the line from Abraham, Daniel, Moses, Samson etc. etc.

Now, I hate the line you mentioned...."God only gives you what you can handle".

But, I've been thinking about this again recently...maybe there is some truth in those words...some folks are selected (Pulled Off the Shelf) and put into play for reasons that we may not understand.  Not everyone can do it (things in life that come up) and so developing strength to handle those adversities in life may come in play when we run into someone else out there, who might benefit from a living example. 

This is what I believe...

Now, here's my personal story....

We just got an article published....big day, right?  Yeah, for about 2 days...and then came impending news about another cancer situation to have to contend with.....buzzkill. 

And now, we're probably looking at my 4th recurrence in 9-years...

Timing, huh?  Why?  Why let me have something I've always wanted - and then days later, have me step up for a new challenge - before I could finish my first meal?

Because, He is testing me once again....

Now, I'm tired of being tested....and yet, I have no choice but to pass the test and try and help others with any kind of positive example that I could set. 

I don't know all the answers, Joe....I'm too new to the religion thing...but this time, I'm really trying...

I have to believe in something more than myself....because after 52 years, I haven't got it right yet. 

When cancer is confirmed (in less than a couple of hours), I'll head into this new battle with 2 new pieces of armorment that I've never had before in my life (with or without cancer)...and those ladies are called Trust & Faith...

There's more I could say, but I don't want to crush this thread anymore than I already have...

I'm with you, Joe....I feel you, man......

Now, put your back right up against me - and together we'll hold each other up as we try and figure it out...

I know God is going to use my 4th cancer for something....though for the life of me, I know not what it is....

Or maybe I'm just delusional....and just a fool....

Either way I've got to fight...

Which reminds me, Joe...one last thing, buddy....

The last Dr. S. message I saw this week was "The Courage To Stand Up...."

It talked about courage in all arenas of our life....to stand up and speak out if something is wrong....or to stand up and fight in a sickness and have the courage to do so. 

He alluded to the fact that Jesus fought and didn't give up...and he talked of the Apostle Paul and how he never gave in....and Joe let me tell you, just from what I've heard, Paul was an example for all of us....that man took a beating that none of us deserve...and yet it did not deter his faith.  I found it very inspirational and when I now find the times where I'm feeling sorry for myself, I now think of him and what he endured for what he believed. 

And if these guys fought....we've got to fight....

Which is significant, because this time....I don't want to fight anymore....and I was looking for an easy way to cop out and not deal with it.

And then I  heard that message...we've got to fight, because that's what He wants for us. 

Remember, this is just from an infant....just what I've learned in the past few months....

And I think that God pulled the trigger today and put me here with you, so we talk with you today. 

Well, that's about it, Joe...thanks for listening...soul searching is very cleansing and thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts with everyone today....I needed a post like this today...I get to walk in to the doctor's office and pay him to tell me what I already know. 

Everyday, I get up....I say "Good Morning" to the Lord - who can we help today? - please don't let my fight be of a chemical nature - and I reiterate that I'm still TRUSTING....

And that's hard for me, Joe...

I grew up alone and basically raised myself (minus food/clothes/shelter) and so I only believed in what I could see - what I could feel - what I could taste...

It's not easy trusting...when you never have.

I always figured I could do it all by myself....after all, hadn't that what I had been doing all my life anyway? 

Was it - or was it?

Take care, Joe...and thanks for a though provoking post!

-Craig

annalexandria

lp1964 said:

Prayer does work.

In a study in an Arizona Univercity they had a bunch of people pray for one group of patients and no prayer for the others. The group that was prayed for had better recovery. I'm not religious in a conventional sence but I believe that your mind has to be at the right places most of the time. I will try to live in this world with hope and positive outlook and when the times comes will try to leave it with no regrets and bitterness.

But I can only try.

Laz

I have seen studies that show that prayer

makes people feel better emotionally in this battle.  And that's a very valuable outcome.  I've yet to see anything that showed an actual, significant impact on prognosis, so I'm just curious...do you have a link for that study?

It does make me wonder a bit, if prayer is effective to the point that its effects on survival can be clinically proven, that someone like my sister, who had a church full of people praying for her, still died at the age of 44.  

AA

tachilders

joemetz said:

What keeps me going?????? --- Great Question!

I have to say, after reading everyones posts that past few days, I've been thinking each night if I was going to reply. 

And, then i thought... "joe if you reply will you be honest, or 'say what everyone wants to hear?'.

 

Well, I have to say it... 

Fist let me appologize for "sniping" the post as this might go off in an unexpected direction.

 

I was brought Catholic. 12 years of catholic eduction. Jesuit Priest for high school teaching Be A "Man for Others" as their foundation to raising teenage boys into Men.  I am married to who has now become my best friend.... for 24 years, who was not raised Catholic.

we have four kids and we're raising them catholic.  

I am diagnosed stage IV colon cancer in November 2011.... I've had 2 surgeries, 50 chemo treatments and everything has been all cancer for 20 months.

so, my family is what is keeping me going.

Gotcha... you were thinking my faith. Instead my faith has gone to being mad. I feel like I am being punished for something. Jesus didn't deserve to die... but he did it to save the sins of others. 

is a cancer patient taking hte bullet for the sins of those around him?

If God is all knowing, why is there childhood cancers? He can control all things... then why do sick people continue to pray for good things... only to get a new drug to help the fight.  Its a simple question, and it disturbs me to say it...  But God, where are you?

The devil is winning this fight and this entire battle. People raising major money for all cancer charities, events and paying all the bills to these oncologists and cancer centers.... moving lots of money, appearing to be moving lots of caring people to take care of a bunch of dying people... all for big money

Great!

then, I get a card from a friend that says "God only gives you what you can handle".

I am 49 years old, and yes, i can handle a lot.... but the person who said that to me has to be the most unthoughtful person I've encountered.

 

I hope my "quetioning of God and his presence in our lifes is something that is short lived, but that's where I'm at with my faith."

why would God take the father away form four young kids? Kids need a month AND a father. (especially a father as cool as me)

Why would God take the husband from a 24 year marriage, we have too many single, divorsed and/or lonely poeple in the world.

Why would God take the youngest son from a Mom?

Why would God take the youngest brother from 2 sisters and 1 brother?

Why would God take the owner/leader and boss of a small business that employes 120, which is doing so many great things for our compunity and creating lifestyle for our employees and their families?

 

Sorry, I know its a pitty party.... but I'm Pushing On and Fighting Hard for my Wife, Four Kids, My extended families of relation, work, customers and others.

I'm waiting for the signs to help understand all of this. I'm hoping I don't stay mad at God, but it sure is hard to go to church.

I say to my wife.... I sure am Glad everyone else goes to Church to pray for us... cuz it sure is hard for me to pray for me.

 

So, my only prayer these days is "why God?"  "Why Cancer?"

then, I quickly say... If you cannot help me, help everyone else who has helped me... and please please pleases God, NEVER give this terrible crap to my wife or my four kids.

 

Hugs

 

Joe

 

(I look forward to everyones reply)

 

 

These are all very good and

These are all very good and normal questions when faced with a terminal illness, and unfortunately, I don't (and no human really) has an answer for them.  I commend your honest post, and I will be as honest in this reply.  As I said, I'm not particularly religious, but I know many people that are, and in truth none of them can understand why bad things happen to good people (especially children).  Christianity teaches that we are all sinners, so I guess you could argue that even "good" people (as we humans would define someone) have committed numerous sins within their lifetime, so maybe we all deserve much worse than we normally get.  Also, even though I have this disease, I am thankful that it is me that is sick and not my wife or kids.  Another thing is that I have been blessed with a fantastic wife and 6 great kids, as well as many great friends, a good career, a relatively comfortable life, great parents and grandparents, etc... so even though I will likely have a short life, it has been a good life.  Not sure I would trade that for a longer life, but one that is filled with much more hardship than I have ever faced.  I think a natural reaction to terminal illness is always "why me", and I often still feel that way.  In summary, I think it is really impossible to try and understand God's plan (if you believe in him and believe that he has one), so all you can do as a christian is accept that there is a plan and hope and pray that your family will be alright after you are gone.  One thing I have learned for certain is that I am a lot less in control of my life than I thought I was before getting this diagnosis, so maybe that is what I needed to learn.  I am still trying to make sense of the past year, and come to grips with what I truly believe with respect to God, so I'm still on a journey of discovery here.  Maybe I will lose my life but save my soul from this disease....

Tedd

TMac52

tachilders said:

These are all very good and

These are all very good and normal questions when faced with a terminal illness, and unfortunately, I don't (and no human really) has an answer for them.  I commend your honest post, and I will be as honest in this reply.  As I said, I'm not particularly religious, but I know many people that are, and in truth none of them can understand why bad things happen to good people (especially children).  Christianity teaches that we are all sinners, so I guess you could argue that even "good" people (as we humans would define someone) have committed numerous sins within their lifetime, so maybe we all deserve much worse than we normally get.  Also, even though I have this disease, I am thankful that it is me that is sick and not my wife or kids.  Another thing is that I have been blessed with a fantastic wife and 6 great kids, as well as many great friends, a good career, a relatively comfortable life, great parents and grandparents, etc... so even though I will likely have a short life, it has been a good life.  Not sure I would trade that for a longer life, but one that is filled with much more hardship than I have ever faced.  I think a natural reaction to terminal illness is always "why me", and I often still feel that way.  In summary, I think it is really impossible to try and understand God's plan (if you believe in him and believe that he has one), so all you can do as a christian is accept that there is a plan and hope and pray that your family will be alright after you are gone.  One thing I have learned for certain is that I am a lot less in control of my life than I thought I was before getting this diagnosis, so maybe that is what I needed to learn.  I am still trying to make sense of the past year, and come to grips with what I truly believe with respect to God, so I'm still on a journey of discovery here.  Maybe I will lose my life but save my soul from this disease....

Tedd

Hi Laz

I was DX'd stage 3 rectal May 2010..chemo,radiation,surgery resulting in a permanent colostomy, more chemo that ended in march 2011...just had my second anual scan and its good. It will be three more years of clean scans before they will concider me cured. Anyone who battles Cancer is going to go through hell to stay alive thats just the brunt of it.

I was very active on this site while I was in treament, this site and these people are sent directly from heaven in my opinion. Some battling for many years and healing, and then there are those that take a turn for the worst and cross over. That was painful to witness even over the internet, it bothered me a lot. But also made me so grateful for my life and every breath I am able to take and witness my children growing into young adults. Thats what keeps me going. But I wont lie there were times during the treatment that I wanted to give up. Thank God I didnt.

Cancer and treatment left me with some permanent issues to deal with everyday like neoropathy in my feet (very painful) the colostomy and then there are other issues I'd rather not share at this time. That sucks ya but I try to accentuate the positive and not wallow in the sorrow.

I wish you the best of luck Laz and hope you have good doctors. Cancer can be beat although I'm superstitious and would never say I beat it.  ANY DAY ON THIS SIDE OF THE DIRT IS A GOOD DAY TO ME!  keep fighting....Peace Tom

joemetz

annalexandria said:

I have seen studies that show that prayer

makes people feel better emotionally in this battle.  And that's a very valuable outcome.  I've yet to see anything that showed an actual, significant impact on prognosis, so I'm just curious...do you have a link for that study?

It does make me wonder a bit, if prayer is effective to the point that its effects on survival can be clinically proven, that someone like my sister, who had a church full of people praying for her, still died at the age of 44.  

AA

And the death of one, pulled many togeher

In that church, the families bonded together to help them deal with the loss.

Cancer was glorified as the work of The Evil One, and those on earthy say.... God just needed your sister in Heaven...

and, he wants the families and friends who are left behing to bond together to help one another.

 

hopefully that happens.... but what comes shortly after the dust settles is the WHY from the survivors? 

The "she fought so hard, a true inspiration for us all"... .and here's hte biggy.

please donate your money, in her name to these organizations

 

begause one day very soon, we will have a cure, but not without your money.

annalexandria

joemetz said:

And the death of one, pulled many togeher

In that church, the families bonded together to help them deal with the loss.

Cancer was glorified as the work of The Evil One, and those on earthy say.... God just needed your sister in Heaven...

and, he wants the families and friends who are left behing to bond together to help one another.

 

hopefully that happens.... but what comes shortly after the dust settles is the WHY from the survivors? 

The "she fought so hard, a true inspiration for us all"... .and here's hte biggy.

please donate your money, in her name to these organizations

 

begause one day very soon, we will have a cure, but not without your money.

I wanted to add...

that your words are in no way a "pity party", Joe.  They are a legitimate expression of grief in the face of an intolerable injustice.

More hugs to you~AA

joemetz

TMac52 said:

Hi Laz

I was DX'd stage 3 rectal May 2010..chemo,radiation,surgery resulting in a permanent colostomy, more chemo that ended in march 2011...just had my second anual scan and its good. It will be three more years of clean scans before they will concider me cured. Anyone who battles Cancer is going to go through hell to stay alive thats just the brunt of it.

I was very active on this site while I was in treament, this site and these people are sent directly from heaven in my opinion. Some battling for many years and healing, and then there are those that take a turn for the worst and cross over. That was painful to witness even over the internet, it bothered me a lot. But also made me so grateful for my life and every breath I am able to take and witness my children growing into young adults. Thats what keeps me going. But I wont lie there were times during the treatment that I wanted to give up. Thank God I didnt.

Cancer and treatment left me with some permanent issues to deal with everyday like neoropathy in my feet (very painful) the colostomy and then there are other issues I'd rather not share at this time. That sucks ya but I try to accentuate the positive and not wallow in the sorrow.

I wish you the best of luck Laz and hope you have good doctors. Cancer can be beat although I'm superstitious and would never say I beat it.  ANY DAY ON THIS SIDE OF THE DIRT IS A GOOD DAY TO ME!  keep fighting....Peace Tom

What keeps me going ... Version 2.0

 

Yesterday was our second treatment of the Avastin and FolFuri line of druggs.

they adde a large doze of benedryal and a couple others to the pre-med cycle whih seem to improve thinkgs geatly.

so, knowing that I have a glimmer hope to at least stoping the spread of the cancer to the bones, adrenal glands and further into the lymphmnodes.  TheseFolfulri and Avastin treatments shoul (I hope) to allow for some serious set back to this cancer.

 

It's been a pitty party since Feb 25 when I realaized my blodd couns were way off.... Doc said "for a guy with stage four colon cance with far to numorous tumors to count, that i will be inoprable. No Other Options.

 

I searched out on myonw and learned above RadioEmboliztion Spirs, Then ytrium 90 = SIR Spheres (THIS IS WHAT I ENDED UP HAVING DONE:=)

its ore of a LIVER directed treatment, however the think was... if we don't get rid the culpret (the cancer in the liver) then the source would have no placd to plant its seeds in other areas of my body. It was a risk.

I had to be off chemo for about 4 weeks prior to the 790 treatment and another 3-4 for recoverey and testing. I had super high hopes that this could be the magic buillet.   To date.... no such luck.  a couple areas shrunk. But the rest of the spots either remained the same or coninued to grow. And, the cancer has begun to spread to my right hip and pelvic bones as wll as some lumphn nodes and other ares that sound scarry.

 

I all can do for now is FolFuri. and avastin.

its conventional.... but we need something with a better track recordred at making tings happen with ore predicability.

my emo- side of my personally cannot handle the stress and the rollow coster or ansesrs or worse yet... "the opptions"

No all doctors like to make 100% of the final decisions when they are faced with a very serious cancer patient.

 

I has written early that its been so hard to "for me to pray for me". I have a hard time saying... God, here's my choices, point me in the right diretion.   When first bed ridden here at home, from Jan- May 2012, I was overwhelmed by the parishinors, preirest and the kids fellow classmates families who would bring over meels. Send time sitting togeher at the table with my family playing simple boardgames after the meel and we just enjoyed the heck out of those time.

so , i hope this makes you laugh more than cry..... and provides all of use the energy to move forward and I hop to take my wife on beautiful vacations ilike my dad do for my mom, befor he passed away from a stroke that puthim in the hospital one week, hospic the next week.. in the Catholic war veterens momorial.

 

If anything in my path, resembles your path.. let's connect.

 

 Hugs

 

fedester

hi laz

well my faith in the man upstairs and my family.

as ron said have had other issues that could have killed me but i am still here.

i have always been upbeat while facing the dragon as  many of the old timers say

everyday we wake up is a good day and another day we beat cancer.

all the best to you

and never,ever give up !!!!!!

steved

From an atheist

Religion is always a difficult topic here but pleased to see it aired as part of this dIscussion Asti is such a valuable ,though at time times challenging aspect of getting through this journey. Opfor me as an an atheist it is more grounded moments that get me by at present. Have been at this close to ten years and and different things have been importantn ESP the arrival during that stage of my two kids. But now I am terminal and don't klow long long I have I try snatchor make make moments of joy in each day. I take my wife out for lunch and dwell on a taste or a glass of wine that really is great. A moment in the afternoon where my son stops his hyperactive  life for a second to sit down and chat about his day with me or I read to him, or teach my daughter to plait hair. That beer as the sun reaches the right spot in the sky on a rare hot day. It can get labelled in the new trendy mindfulness  therapy that is growiing everywhere but to me it is jus stopping to appreciate that whilst I a dying joy continines and I am allowed  my share if I stop to notice it.

SImples really!

Steve

lp1964

steved said:

From an atheist

Religion is always a difficult topic here but pleased to see it aired as part of this dIscussion Asti is such a valuable ,though at time times challenging aspect of getting through this journey. Opfor me as an an atheist it is more grounded moments that get me by at present. Have been at this close to ten years and and different things have been importantn ESP the arrival during that stage of my two kids. But now I am terminal and don't klow long long I have I try snatchor make make moments of joy in each day. I take my wife out for lunch and dwell on a taste or a glass of wine that really is great. A moment in the afternoon where my son stops his hyperactive  life for a second to sit down and chat about his day with me or I read to him, or teach my daughter to plait hair. That beer as the sun reaches the right spot in the sky on a rare hot day. It can get labelled in the new trendy mindfulness  therapy that is growiing everywhere but to me it is jus stopping to appreciate that whilst I a dying joy continines and I am allowed  my share if I stop to notice it.

SImples really!

Steve

Dear Steve,

I agree with you in a sense that we have to bring down this issue of having cancer to reality. I don't believe we should dwell to much on the esoteric , spiritual or religious level, even though I think they are an important part of healing. Spiritualism and religion is cultural, nobody was born religious, our parents and culture made us. These things were invented to explain things, understand things and deal with things, in our case illness.

I realy liked that you bring it down to the simple things in life, like lunches, wine, sunset, because a lot of people and so did we used to take these for granted. I try to live the same way. Only pain and occasional dwelling in unusefull thoughts get me out of this mindset.

I believe that being connected to some kind of larger spirit whether it  is God, the collective human spirit that each of us contribite to and draw from is important though, because there are times when there is no rational that you can hang onto anymore.

Let's not forget to try to have a good day at a time.

Laz

lp1964

joemetz said:

What keeps me going ... Version 2.0

 

Yesterday was our second treatment of the Avastin and FolFuri line of druggs.

they adde a large doze of benedryal and a couple others to the pre-med cycle whih seem to improve thinkgs geatly.

so, knowing that I have a glimmer hope to at least stoping the spread of the cancer to the bones, adrenal glands and further into the lymphmnodes.  TheseFolfulri and Avastin treatments shoul (I hope) to allow for some serious set back to this cancer.

 

It's been a pitty party since Feb 25 when I realaized my blodd couns were way off.... Doc said "for a guy with stage four colon cance with far to numorous tumors to count, that i will be inoprable. No Other Options.

 

I searched out on myonw and learned above RadioEmboliztion Spirs, Then ytrium 90 = SIR Spheres (THIS IS WHAT I ENDED UP HAVING DONE:=)

its ore of a LIVER directed treatment, however the think was... if we don't get rid the culpret (the cancer in the liver) then the source would have no placd to plant its seeds in other areas of my body. It was a risk.

I had to be off chemo for about 4 weeks prior to the 790 treatment and another 3-4 for recoverey and testing. I had super high hopes that this could be the magic buillet.   To date.... no such luck.  a couple areas shrunk. But the rest of the spots either remained the same or coninued to grow. And, the cancer has begun to spread to my right hip and pelvic bones as wll as some lumphn nodes and other ares that sound scarry.

 

I all can do for now is FolFuri. and avastin.

its conventional.... but we need something with a better track recordred at making tings happen with ore predicability.

my emo- side of my personally cannot handle the stress and the rollow coster or ansesrs or worse yet... "the opptions"

No all doctors like to make 100% of the final decisions when they are faced with a very serious cancer patient.

 

I has written early that its been so hard to "for me to pray for me". I have a hard time saying... God, here's my choices, point me in the right diretion.   When first bed ridden here at home, from Jan- May 2012, I was overwhelmed by the parishinors, preirest and the kids fellow classmates families who would bring over meels. Send time sitting togeher at the table with my family playing simple boardgames after the meel and we just enjoyed the heck out of those time.

so , i hope this makes you laugh more than cry..... and provides all of use the energy to move forward and I hop to take my wife on beautiful vacations ilike my dad do for my mom, befor he passed away from a stroke that puthim in the hospital one week, hospic the next week.. in the Catholic war veterens momorial.

 

If anything in my path, resembles your path.. let's connect.

 

 Hugs

 

Dear Joe,

I sense that you and I are very similar. I am a business man too and I always wanted things my way and had hard time to delegate or ask for help. I wanted to be in full control of my life. Now that brought a lot of conflict to my life of had to avoid a lot of conflicts which caused me a lot of stress and I realy believe that that was a great factor that I got cancer.

This time is the same. It is hard to trust doctors, treatment options, diets, remedies. We  are very vulnarable when we are ill. Sometimes I just wonder that the first time shouldn't I just let go and let people take care of me and just concentrate on things like myself that I may be able to control.

I think once we find a team we trust we should try and let go.

All the best,

Laz

kennyt

lp1964 said:

Dear Steve,

I agree with you in a sense that we have to bring down this issue of having cancer to reality. I don't believe we should dwell to much on the esoteric , spiritual or religious level, even though I think they are an important part of healing. Spiritualism and religion is cultural, nobody was born religious, our parents and culture made us. These things were invented to explain things, understand things and deal with things, in our case illness.

I realy liked that you bring it down to the simple things in life, like lunches, wine, sunset, because a lot of people and so did we used to take these for granted. I try to live the same way. Only pain and occasional dwelling in unusefull thoughts get me out of this mindset.

I believe that being connected to some kind of larger spirit whether it  is God, the collective human spirit that each of us contribite to and draw from is important though, because there are times when there is no rational that you can hang onto anymore.

Let's not forget to try to have a good day at a time.

Laz

good question

 I too am 48 and just recievd the results of my biopsy and they were positive, now I'm scared to death and in a constant state of panic.  I see a surgeon tomorrow and don't know if I can take anymore bad news

jen2012

kennyt said:

good question

 I too am 48 and just recievd the results of my biopsy and they were positive, now I'm scared to death and in a constant state of panic.  I see a surgeon tomorrow and don't know if I can take anymore bad news

The first few weeks are
The first few weeks are really tough Kenny. Try to take things one day at a time and not let your thinking get out of hand. Difficult I know...it sucks. I'm sorry...hang in there.

kennyt

jen2012 said:

The first few weeks are
The first few weeks are really tough Kenny. Try to take things one day at a time and not let your thinking get out of hand. Difficult I know...it sucks. I'm sorry...hang in there.

thanks

thanks ,my mind def. won't quit racing. everytime I look at my family I feel like I'm gonna lose it.