18 Months

virtual_voyager

 

...and it feels like 18 years.

 

Conclusion:  I will never be a whole person again.  I lost my fountain of hope and joy.  Her death has left me empty of all emotion except anger.  There is nothing on this earth that means anything to me.

These lines from a song best describe my life:

 

like a bird without a nest,

like a stranger in the night

my soul cries out for rest

and the end is not in sight.

 

I am growing weary of the new normal.  I'm tired of treading water.  I'm drowning in nothingness and the end is not in sight.

 

VV

 

 

 

grandmafay

Rough

I have no words of wisdom. I lost my husband four years ago in October. One thing that helped me was when one of the widows at church told me that it takes at least three years to find your way ahead. I think in our culture we expect too much from ourselves. Friends and family think that we should get over our loss and move on. I have accepted that I will never get over the loss of my husband, but I can move forward. I will always miss him, but I can find my way. Recently, following a solo trip out of state, I put on Facebook that I was slowly becoming the strong, independent woman I told Doug I was. I also am reminded of the choices he made while fighting cancer. He often said, "Today is a good day. I woke up.". He also talked about deciding each morning what kind of a day it was going to be. He usually chose to put on a brave face and enjoy whatever time he had. I say,  if I can live as bravely and well as he died, I will be a good person. I know that I have become a more generous and caring person. I feel better when I am helping others. What I give comes back in so many ways. My family wasn't able to be here on Mothers' Day, but a young woman and her children showed up with a balloon and flowers. it made my day. Our lives will never be the same. We've lost our soulmates. Time does help. At least it has for me. Take care, Fay