Musings on a Cloudy Day...Mental Health

SIROD

TraciInLA said:

I would add "Envy"

CC, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, and am grateful for your list of "symptoms" -- they're both poignant and funny at the same time, because I think we all can relate to most of them in one way or another.

I would add "Envy" -- envy of those breast cancer survivors who glide blissfully through life (or at least seem to) like cancer is completely in the past, never to be seen again.

My aunt was diagnosed about 8 years ago -- she had a lumpectomy and radiation, refused to take any of the 5-year pills offered to her, and has been cancer-free ever since.  She talks about having had cancer completely in the past tense, and seems convinced that she'll never have to deal with it again.

We never know what "night crawlers" visit another person when they're alone in the middle of the night, so maybe survivors like these aren't as blissful as they seem, but man -- I really envy my aunt and others who talk about having had cancer as just a little "bump in the road," never to be seen again.  The truth is, you never know, and I'm not able to block out that truth the way some others can.

Traci

Blissful Ignorance Should Be Bottled and Sold!

I wish when I had my first go round with breast cancer that someone could have sold me a bottle of what you aunt found.

Blissful ignorance, not having a clue on what might be ahead, that it might come back.  I was petrified for my children when diagnose, who would support them, advise them, care for them.  Who would make certain they filled out the scholarships they needed and etc.  and as the years went by I did relax some.  

Some people are very lucky to be so blessed.  May your aunt never know there is a difference.

Best,

Doris

 

missrenee

jamiegww said:

Loss of ignorance.

I never really thought of myself as ignorant but now I realize that, when it came to cancer, I was definitely ignorant.  I started to use the word innocence but, when I looked up the definition of the word, it referenced ignorance so I looked up that word and thought it fit better.  I would soooooo love to go back to being ignorant but there is no going back.  And, yes, I too feel envy.  I feel envy toward those who are still ignorant about cancer.

HUGS!!!

Jamie 

Great discussion, Eileen

As a relatively new "Stage 4er" so much of that initial hope that I had has been dashed.  I hate thinking or saying that--someone told me that lack of hope is lack of faith.  I don't want to lack hope or faith.  It's true, while we're here, in this fight, there is nothing "Post" about this traumatic stress we are under.  Some days are better than others for me.  I have a PET coming up in April and everytime my mind goes there, my stomach flips and I feel the adrenaline surge.

 

The other day my mother, whom I love dearly, was going on and on about a relative's illness and another's death and I felt myself getting angry.  The two souls in question are in their late 80's!  I'm hoping for a few more years--living until 80 seems like an unimaginable blessing. 

 

Everyone (usually those without cancer) happily chirps how we have to "live in the moment" and "enjoy each day."  Hmmm--hard to do with all the crap raining down on a regular basis.  But, I'll keep truckin' with that sometimes-fake smile of mine.

 

Love and hugs, Renee

SIROD

My 2, 3 and Nickel worth...

You and the others hit it so well.  Great job CC!.   I will add more of my 2 cents worth.  Since I mentioned finances for Carol and bottles of Blissful Ignorance that I like to purchase from Traci's aunt, here is some thoughts.

Most people who never had or lived with someone with cancer have no idea.  Those who never had cancer can't even imagine the fear one goes through, the cost of the disease, the anger one feels at times for the situation that you had no control and never will.   

 

They don't have a clue and there very, very happy that they are not the 1 in 7 or is it 6 now. 

 

You and everyone needs to be in tune with your body.  Yes, I say, react, pain is a signal that is telling you something, ignore it and you will be sorry, sometimes more than sorry.  Not every pain is cancer and after a first go round, one is so in tune that every pain is cancer when it can be and often is  something else.  Check it out,  it could be serious and it could be just something that needs a little care for a short time. Don't ever be fooled that you went through it once, that is enough, one serious illness is all you get.  Not so.  You can have many, many serious medical conditions.  There are some that people aren't even aware they have until they see their doc, always see your doc even if you are that NED or NEAD at least once a year.  Listen to what they ask you, just don't mumble, "no , no, no, no".  

 

We all know night crawlers and cancer makes it worst.  I try hard to keep them at arms length, sometimes I succeed and then there are times I don't.  I get up and find a book of poetry to calm myself.  For me that works.

 

I hate ct scan the only one I will have.  I can't lay on a table more than a few minutes with my osteoarthritis.  I hate the room, I dislike the techs and I hate the reports when I know they won't be good.  

 

Doris

 

 

GMcD

SIROD said:

My 2, 3 and Nickel worth...

You and the others hit it so well.  Great job CC!.   I will add more of my 2 cents worth.  Since I mentioned finances for Carol and bottles of Blissful Ignorance that I like to purchase from Traci's aunt, here is some thoughts.

Most people who never had or lived with someone with cancer have no idea.  Those who never had cancer can't even imagine the fear one goes through, the cost of the disease, the anger one feels at times for the situation that you had no control and never will.   

 

They don't have a clue and there very, very happy that they are not the 1 in 7 or is it 6 now. 

 

You and everyone needs to be in tune with your body.  Yes, I say, react, pain is a signal that is telling you something, ignore it and you will be sorry, sometimes more than sorry.  Not every pain is cancer and after a first go round, one is so in tune that every pain is cancer when it can be and often is  something else.  Check it out,  it could be serious and it could be just something that needs a little care for a short time. Don't ever be fooled that you went through it once, that is enough, one serious illness is all you get.  Not so.  You can have many, many serious medical conditions.  There are some that people aren't even aware they have until they see their doc, always see your doc even if you are that NED or NEAD at least once a year.  Listen to what they ask you, just don't mumble, "no , no, no, no".  

 

We all know night crawlers and cancer makes it worst.  I try hard to keep them at arms length, sometimes I succeed and then there are times I don't.  I get up and find a book of poetry to calm myself.  For me that works.

 

I hate ct scan the only one I will have.  I can't lay on a table more than a few minutes with my osteoarthritis.  I hate the room, I dislike the techs and I hate the reports when I know they won't be good.  

 

Doris

 

 

This has been a wonderful

This has been a wonderful discussion for me.  It makes me feel better to  know it's not unusual to think about what ifs and worry that every new twinge is IT coming back.. Thanks to you all.  I love this group!!!

CypressCynthia

aisling8 said:

what you call nightcrawlers

I call the committee. The committee perches on the bed posts at night and waits till I'm almost asleep then wakes me up:  

"Psst, you awake?"

"Go away."

"We want to talk about the cancer."

"The doctor says I'll be fine."

"And you believe him?"

"Yeah, I do. I'm trying to."

"Well, it's spreading. All over. Right now. Everywhere."

And so on. You get the idea. The committee explains in great detail all the dire things that will happen including financial devastation, loss of body parts and limbs, rot and decay.

I'm glad you're talking, writing, saying, CC. Big hugs to you.

xoxo

Victoria

 

OMG, the committee is at your

OMG, the committee is at your house too?  I work so hard to ignore them. When they are really chattering loudly and ignoring my protestations to please just let me sleep, I pull out my trusty Kindle and read another chapter. Like that will stop emailing... Lol. I love you Victoria and I will never hear the night crawlers again without thinking of your committee! 

Clementine_P

Double Whammy said:

Dread

This has been one of my big things.  I dreaded treatments, I now dread follow ups and tests.  I conjured up all sorts of bad expectations when I was first diagnosed and I can still do that sometimes.  I just didn't want to do it.   This must be someone else's life, not mine.  I had to and still have to tell myself I just need to get through whatever is sheduled but I dread everything about my own followups.  Having to have followup for both cancers was a little overwhelming for the first 2 years. 

Relationships definitely change, don't they?  I can so relate to your emotions regarding your inlaws.  I still have similar issues and will never forget some of the disappointments and anger that came up.  Lucky for my husband, he was perfect (well, maybe not perfect, but he was definitely good). 

I hate that you're going through all this, Eileen.   I know you know that we're here for you, but I'll say it again.  We're here for you.

Hugs,

Suzanne

Double post.

Double post.