A Little Advice Here...
Ok, Momma has been in rehab since Aug. She is comming home(to my house) Jan.24. She has run out of Medicare, doesn't qualify for Medicaid. and has capped out her priviate insurance. She is 87, can walk a little with a walker, cannot stand for any lenght of time,and is too shaky to dress, bath, eat,or go to the bathroom by herself. I don't know if I can do all of this and it's beginning to scare the heck out of me! There will be NO help...just me. There is no money for home health or a sitter. I cannot think of a routine that I can get into that will meet all her needs. I always said I would take care of her and step dad(he has Alzheimers), but I had not counted on cancer, open heart surgery, diabetes, and hypertention,not to mention on going depression and anxiety attacts. Am I just making excuses and being lazy or am I in real trouble? All her friends are old or have passed, her family is also all gone. My two brothers and their wives still work and have careers. My kids are scattered all over the world. Any suggestions, or do I just need to get off my lazy behind and suck it all up? Thanks y'all, I'll put the crying towell up now! Best, Debrajo
Comments
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Questions....
I have a lot of experience with invalid family members, lots of tricks to help but need to know what she is recovering from or is she recovering or will continue to get worse?
I had a family member several years ago who didn't qualify for help either, we had to unfortunately sell her belongings and pay her bills with the money so she could then be declared indigent, then Medicaid picked up and she was allowed to go into nursing care. This turned into a necessity, was painful and hurtful but had to be done because of her decline and needing more than we could give her.
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Brothers and their wives
You said brothers and wives are still working, that doesn't mean they are off the hook. This type of care for your Mom can shake the very ground you walk on with the constant care needed, if she is not going to improve there will have to be a game plan with the "whole family"or you will end up regressing in your health, physical health and mental health doing this alone. The emotional issues with doing it alone will be huge. You before long will be hiring hit men To "take care of those brothers" before it is all over. Most of the time when the rest of the family has the opinion that you are best for the job due to this and that they are saying," I don't want to deal with it let her!" People sometimes have to take leaves from work or quit jobs in order to help, if they can't do that sometimes THEY find some money to help with the situation. NOT YOU ALONE! If you try it your relationships with these brothers will never be the same.
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Sisters three is right...Sisters three said:Brothers and their wives
You said brothers and wives are still working, that doesn't mean they are off the hook. This type of care for your Mom can shake the very ground you walk on with the constant care needed, if she is not going to improve there will have to be a game plan with the "whole family"or you will end up regressing in your health, physical health and mental health doing this alone. The emotional issues with doing it alone will be huge. You before long will be hiring hit men To "take care of those brothers" before it is all over. Most of the time when the rest of the family has the opinion that you are best for the job due to this and that they are saying," I don't want to deal with it let her!" People sometimes have to take leaves from work or quit jobs in order to help, if they can't do that sometimes THEY find some money to help with the situation. NOT YOU ALONE! If you try it your relationships with these brothers will never be the same.
You need to have the conversation with your brothers - sooner rather than later. She is their mother too.
At the very least, they should contribute help or money to provide 1 day a week (about 6 hours) respite care. You cannot stay home 24/7 to care for your mother.
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Good advice from these ladies.NorahS said:Sisters three is right...
You need to have the conversation with your brothers - sooner rather than later. She is their mother too.
At the very least, they should contribute help or money to provide 1 day a week (about 6 hours) respite care. You cannot stay home 24/7 to care for your mother.
You cannot do it all nor should you try. Some states have elder management services that can give you some guidance. Does Texas have anything like this?
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Great AdviceConnieSW said:Good advice from these ladies.
You cannot do it all nor should you try. Some states have elder management services that can give you some guidance. Does Texas have anything like this?
Seems like I've read so much about this care of parents over the years...as 3 yrs ago placed my mom in a retirement home due to alzheimers. I was on the Alzheimer's Assoc message boards and heard so much about taking care of a parent with health issues, etc. The biggest thing I drew from all of the messages...you cannot do it all yourself. One must pool with other family members and all have duties to help the patient. As someone here suggested, have a family meeting and get on board with the schedule for each person and remind everyone -- THIS IS THE MOM TO ALL OF THEM, NOT JUST ONE PERSON (yourself), THEREFORE, CARE MUST BE SHARED.
Did you check into some other financial support, since your mom doesn't have the $$ to pay for assistance? Bet there's some aid out there, but can't remember where many people looked. I'll look to see if have any notes on assistance and repost.
Lastly, I've seen people quit their full-time jobs to take care of an aging parent at their home. In the end, they were starting to have failing health....such a very, very heavy load. NOTE: DO NOT TRY AND DO IT YOURSELF....REMEMBER STRESS ISN'T GOOD FOR US...sure don't want to see your health fail, do you?
Good luck,
Jan
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mom-care
BROTHERS ARE DEFINITELY NOT OFF THE HOOK!!!!
make a schedule:
once a week each brother for starters...plus...
All 3 of you chip in for a once or twice a week paid caregiver....they can afford it with them and wives working.
That's 3 or 4 days a week off for you FOR STARTERS...(be sure to get out of the house on some of those days and do enjoyable, social activities)
have you met with a social worker re possible resources?
(USA "richest country in the world" minimal social services for its people...I am so glad I am back in Canada)
On one of those possible 3 or 4 days that you are caring for her, invite a friend over....get them to bring food...make it a little party just the 3 or 4 of you....if they bring food it will help...I find when people know you need help, they often (depending on the person) come across, BUT YOU HAVE TO ASK
hope this helps,
Most of this from experience,
Beila
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Thanks!
Thanks to all of you for the wonderful sugestions and tips. I see this is going to be a process with no holds bared! I am meeting with the brothers' via phone since one lives two hours away and the other six hours away. I've got a better picture with them since I set up this little session. One will "contribute" to hiring a sitter once a week and for when I go for check ups at MD Anderson. the other brother( AT Our Age!) said"well Mama always liked you better than me anyway"! Are we eight or what?! The sisters-in-law are out....they have their own families to deal with! I was able to talk to the Social worker at the Rehab where she is and they have a Senior Daycare if I need a break for 50.00 an 8 hour day! Not bad at all! @ three sisters....she is 87 and fell and broke her hip. She is going to get better as far as the hip goes, and really walks better now than before. He knees have been very bad for 20+ years so she will be in a wheel chair or on a walker for short periods. I think I am just going to have to put my foot down and MAKE her do what she can for herself. She loves to be the center of attention and is what we call 'high Maintance"down here and THAT I can not do! All funds have dryed up for now, but hope to get things straight in the next two months for her to apply for Medicaid. I feel bad for step-dad...he will not get better. The Alzheimer's in in the Sun-downer phase now and he trys to roam, so I know I can't take care of both of them. Thank you all again so much, Love you all, debrajo
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Sounds like you have a plandebrajo said:Thanks!
Thanks to all of you for the wonderful sugestions and tips. I see this is going to be a process with no holds bared! I am meeting with the brothers' via phone since one lives two hours away and the other six hours away. I've got a better picture with them since I set up this little session. One will "contribute" to hiring a sitter once a week and for when I go for check ups at MD Anderson. the other brother( AT Our Age!) said"well Mama always liked you better than me anyway"! Are we eight or what?! The sisters-in-law are out....they have their own families to deal with! I was able to talk to the Social worker at the Rehab where she is and they have a Senior Daycare if I need a break for 50.00 an 8 hour day! Not bad at all! @ three sisters....she is 87 and fell and broke her hip. She is going to get better as far as the hip goes, and really walks better now than before. He knees have been very bad for 20+ years so she will be in a wheel chair or on a walker for short periods. I think I am just going to have to put my foot down and MAKE her do what she can for herself. She loves to be the center of attention and is what we call 'high Maintance"down here and THAT I can not do! All funds have dryed up for now, but hope to get things straight in the next two months for her to apply for Medicaid. I feel bad for step-dad...he will not get better. The Alzheimer's in in the Sun-downer phase now and he trys to roam, so I know I can't take care of both of them. Thank you all again so much, Love you all, debrajo
It is going to be a lot for you, dear friend. I think getting her to do as much for herself as possible is a good idea. You are a great daughter.
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Debrajodebrajo said:Thanks!
Thanks to all of you for the wonderful sugestions and tips. I see this is going to be a process with no holds bared! I am meeting with the brothers' via phone since one lives two hours away and the other six hours away. I've got a better picture with them since I set up this little session. One will "contribute" to hiring a sitter once a week and for when I go for check ups at MD Anderson. the other brother( AT Our Age!) said"well Mama always liked you better than me anyway"! Are we eight or what?! The sisters-in-law are out....they have their own families to deal with! I was able to talk to the Social worker at the Rehab where she is and they have a Senior Daycare if I need a break for 50.00 an 8 hour day! Not bad at all! @ three sisters....she is 87 and fell and broke her hip. She is going to get better as far as the hip goes, and really walks better now than before. He knees have been very bad for 20+ years so she will be in a wheel chair or on a walker for short periods. I think I am just going to have to put my foot down and MAKE her do what she can for herself. She loves to be the center of attention and is what we call 'high Maintance"down here and THAT I can not do! All funds have dryed up for now, but hope to get things straight in the next two months for her to apply for Medicaid. I feel bad for step-dad...he will not get better. The Alzheimer's in in the Sun-downer phase now and he trys to roam, so I know I can't take care of both of them. Thank you all again so much, Love you all, debrajo
Agree you've got some idea what you wish to do....getting some family involved. If they live away, they can contribute some $$$ to get you assistance in the home. Sounds like you'll be paying for much of the foods, etc.? They as well should do their part with some financial support if can't be around for physical support.
We all feel we owe this and can do this for our parents, but understand it's tough. You need breaks during the day or you'll be looking for a tree to hang from and want to get away from your mom. Quite different from taking care of little ones, as when one is with health issues, they're not always cooperative. Might find an outside person to get more accomplished with your mom vs. yourself...I found that with my mom before moving to retirement home. She would NEVER take her meds, and it was always a fight to the bitter end. I gave up and decided to let it go, and when she's moved to home, let the RN's we're paying dearly for give her the meds.
Medicaid? That would be a great route to go.....they'll most likely require a lot of papers/documents for proof of her financial needs.
Best to you,
Jan
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I cannot give much input for
I cannot give much input for the care of parents as both of mine have already passed. I just want to let you know I do feel for you and your situation and pray that your brothers step up to help as much as they should. It is their mother too. Do try and get some days/hours for yourself as it can be difficult. Praying for you. trish
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Advice...
Get in touch with a local community college and see if they have a CNA program. For not much more than minimum wage you can get a CNA student or CNA graduate to help with ADL's. There is no way to be a full time caregiver without undue stress. As others have also commented, there are other siblings and their spouses who should be part of caregiving. There may be assistance (physical) through local groups - contact United Way.
Roena
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Thanks again! Since I've
Thanks again! Since I've been re-reading all your comments, it has opened me up to other opitions such as the colleges and CNA. I talked to some of the younger staff at Rehab and they actually ASKED to be considered sitters for her! Gee, I can breath again! You guys are awesome! I am a door mat, but now I just think I have aquired enough "dirt". Will keep you posted...d-day is Jan. 24! I get her finances straight and get her attitude changed a little, she just might want to go back to the Rehab! I can be a witch sometimes! Love you guys! Debrajo
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Small things I mentioned earlier to make things easydebrajo said:Thanks again! Since I've
Thanks again! Since I've been re-reading all your comments, it has opened me up to other opitions such as the colleges and CNA. I talked to some of the younger staff at Rehab and they actually ASKED to be considered sitters for her! Gee, I can breath again! You guys are awesome! I am a door mat, but now I just think I have aquired enough "dirt". Will keep you posted...d-day is Jan. 24! I get her finances straight and get her attitude changed a little, she just might want to go back to the Rehab! I can be a witch sometimes! Love you guys! Debrajo
The bigger the room you can give her the better to make these things possible, when I say Her that means you don't get called to do it:
- Hospital bed rental is often not that expensive, this allows HER to adjust herself with the push of a button
- The rolling tray that fits over the top of the bed and height can be adjusted to sit next to a chair, this allows HER to pull the table where needed and keeps things at hand.
-A slow drip coffee pot on a table that won't tip over allows HER to make coffee or just hot water for tea or hot chocolate, she can do this in her room by herself, gives her freedom and keeps her happier.
-a small fridge she can reach in her room allows HER to access what she wants at anytime.
-if a bathroom isn't close a portable potty allows HER to go without waking you up in the middle of the night.
-A small keep it on light at all times, that casts light on the floor, allows HER to getup at night without you having to come turn the light on
-A baby monitor allows her to call you when it is not possible to do it on her own, your end is portable and can even go into the yard with you.
-A phone and phone numbers she can call so you aren't the only one she talks to, HUGE to have others calling her just to keep you from being her only outside world contact!
-A small microwave oven for HER to reheat anything she needs to
-Wall railings in every pertinent location, she doesn't need your arm then.
-TV with remote controller that she can see EASILY from chair and bed.
-A window close to the bed that maybe she can watch HER birds coming and going from HER bird feeders.
Most of these things can be purchased used!!!!!! Start looking at Goodwill, Salvation Army and Craigslist.
The Hospital bed is a HUGE HELP!!!!!!! Can't say that enough!!!!! It is worth every single dime!
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Thanks, Thanks, Thanks,Sisters three said:Small things I mentioned earlier to make things easy
The bigger the room you can give her the better to make these things possible, when I say Her that means you don't get called to do it:
- Hospital bed rental is often not that expensive, this allows HER to adjust herself with the push of a button
- The rolling tray that fits over the top of the bed and height can be adjusted to sit next to a chair, this allows HER to pull the table where needed and keeps things at hand.
-A slow drip coffee pot on a table that won't tip over allows HER to make coffee or just hot water for tea or hot chocolate, she can do this in her room by herself, gives her freedom and keeps her happier.
-a small fridge she can reach in her room allows HER to access what she wants at anytime.
-if a bathroom isn't close a portable potty allows HER to go without waking you up in the middle of the night.
-A small keep it on light at all times, that casts light on the floor, allows HER to getup at night without you having to come turn the light on
-A baby monitor allows her to call you when it is not possible to do it on her own, your end is portable and can even go into the yard with you.
-A phone and phone numbers she can call so you aren't the only one she talks to, HUGE to have others calling her just to keep you from being her only outside world contact!
-A small microwave oven for HER to reheat anything she needs to
-Wall railings in every pertinent location, she doesn't need your arm then.
-TV with remote controller that she can see EASILY from chair and bed.
-A window close to the bed that maybe she can watch HER birds coming and going from HER bird feeders.
Most of these things can be purchased used!!!!!! Start looking at Goodwill, Salvation Army and Craigslist.
The Hospital bed is a HUGE HELP!!!!!!! Can't say that enough!!!!! It is worth every single dime!
Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Sisters Three! I did order several things for her(bed rails, bedside commode, regular walker, and shower chair)but til you listed all the other things, I really had not thought of making HER room like a mini apartment or nice hotel room! You are a genius,not to mention a God-send! Here I was trying to "Mama-proof" the house when all her needs can be met in HER room! I couldn't see the forest for the trees! I was just thinking about making her meals(she had a melt-down at Rehab to day because the food was "bad"). I have a small fridge already and an extra coffee maker, I could splurge on a small microwave! Thank you so much...I think I love you!! Love, debrajo
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Social Worker?debrajo said:Thanks, Thanks, Thanks,
Thanks, Thanks, Thanks, Sisters Three! I did order several things for her(bed rails, bedside commode, regular walker, and shower chair)but til you listed all the other things, I really had not thought of making HER room like a mini apartment or nice hotel room! You are a genius,not to mention a God-send! Here I was trying to "Mama-proof" the house when all her needs can be met in HER room! I couldn't see the forest for the trees! I was just thinking about making her meals(she had a melt-down at Rehab to day because the food was "bad"). I have a small fridge already and an extra coffee maker, I could splurge on a small microwave! Thank you so much...I think I love you!! Love, debrajo
If I'm not mistaken, when my father in law was having health issues and back home....thinking we had a social worker or someone in that type of occupation, come for visit. They checked their home for safety and installed items to make the patients living arrangement easier. Sorry not remembering it exactly, but they pointed out things we never even thought about for safety.
Possibly someone else can highlight this subject. Must say Sisters Three really knows her stuff....what a gal!!
Good luck Debrajo....you're a trooper to help your mom!!
Jan
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Thanks Jan, We have had ajazzy1 said:Social Worker?
If I'm not mistaken, when my father in law was having health issues and back home....thinking we had a social worker or someone in that type of occupation, come for visit. They checked their home for safety and installed items to make the patients living arrangement easier. Sorry not remembering it exactly, but they pointed out things we never even thought about for safety.
Possibly someone else can highlight this subject. Must say Sisters Three really knows her stuff....what a gal!!
Good luck Debrajo....you're a trooper to help your mom!!
Jan
Thanks Jan, We have had a physical therapy person from the Rehab come in and measure for hand rails,height and width of toilets, and width of the tub and shower, but none of them mentioned things like Sisters Three! She lived with my family for seven years back in the 70-80's, but she was working and I was really young. I'm afraid that when she married my Step-Dad in 87, he spoiled her rotten! Well, things are going to change, they have to. I barely have energy to get through the day myself, so she is getting her" apartment" fixed for her comfort and independence. I will do everything I can, but this is going to have to be a team effort! Best, Debrajo
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Debrajo, You're welcome!!debrajo said:Thanks Jan, We have had a
Thanks Jan, We have had a physical therapy person from the Rehab come in and measure for hand rails,height and width of toilets, and width of the tub and shower, but none of them mentioned things like Sisters Three! She lived with my family for seven years back in the 70-80's, but she was working and I was really young. I'm afraid that when she married my Step-Dad in 87, he spoiled her rotten! Well, things are going to change, they have to. I barely have energy to get through the day myself, so she is getting her" apartment" fixed for her comfort and independence. I will do everything I can, but this is going to have to be a team effort! Best, Debrajo
Team efforts...that's the key here. You sound strong and know you won't allow this to override your life either. Don't you have 4 boys of your own? Busy gal.
Good luck in your new journey,
Jan
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Five boys and one girl(onejazzy1 said:Debrajo, You're welcome!!
Team efforts...that's the key here. You sound strong and know you won't allow this to override your life either. Don't you have 4 boys of your own? Busy gal.
Good luck in your new journey,
Jan
Five boys and one girl(one son has passed), nine grands(six boys and three girls)with more to come! Oldest boy is 41,youngest child Matthew is 19 and a Freshman in college. So yeah, I'd like to have some of me left to rock the forthcomming grands. We are in a dry spell now, our youngest grand is 3. For a while we were having a new bundle every six months! Mama is beginning to "get on the team"! My not-so-nice husband is about fed up with the "drama queen" routine...and he has NO quams about telling her so! Best, debra
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Great Feedback!
Debrajo
I have been having some problems navigating the board the past week so have not been able to respond to many posts. Yours caught my attention as my husband & myself became my dad's FT caregivers when he had Alzheimer's. My husband was home w/him all day as he is disabled, and then I came home after work and did my part. In addition to the two of us working almost around the clock ( he progressed to the Sundowner's phase & was roaming around trying to go out at all hours) my kids also pitched in when able. I remember a hospital social worker telling us it took on average of 7 caretakers to care for 1 person with Alzheimer's or another similar debilitating disease!
So all the information you have gotton from other members on this board is so on point, but I just wanted to stress what has been said about not being able to do this on your own. I really think I developed like a post traumatic disorder after doing his care for 3 years....when my mother became terminally ill several years later or there were other serious stressors dad's death I went into anxiety mode, became forgetful, overwhelmed and very emotional.
One of the things I have been reading in reference to our cancer is that stress is not good for our ongoing recovery. I am thankful you have begun to find some help to relieve you of sole responsibility.
Funny you should mention your brother's comment about 'mom liking you better anyhow'....I have 3 brothers & they did not deal well with either of our parents falling ill. I just don't think they could face it emotionally...seems alot of men are just not wired to be caretakers! Plus we had alot of childhood rivalry and competition issues surface during that time with remarks, opinions & behaviors reminisient of when we were 8...lol! It got to the point where rather than deal with this crap I chose to continue doing the care within my own family unit, but like I said above have paid for it dearly !
Best of luck! You surely have your hands full with both parents!Oh, and I thought Medicare NEVER ran out??????
Kathy
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