Well I made it- I guess?

Well I got past my first Thanksgiving without my mother. She passed away this past June from bladder cancer at the age of 55 leaving me (28) and my younger brother and sister (25). My sister has Autism. I swear during the whole summer I felt dead inside. There's no other way for me to put it. I haven't worked since June 4, 2012. I literally had to be coached out of bed at first. No sleep, didn't eat, I had completely lost it. Thankfully I seemed to be making some kind of progression because I started my PhD program this past August and my mother told me before she died she wanted me to go to school in the fall. But lately, since my birthday in Oct and with the holidays here I've just been feeling really down yall. Nothing is the same and it never will be. People treat me like I have some kind of social leprosy. They stare at you like you're some kind of exotic animal in a glass menagerie seemingly like they're waiting for you to crack. But then others in their misguided attempts to make you feel better only make it worse when they say all kinds of crazy stuff to you. I don't know, I hope that these people mean no harm and are just trying to 'help' although they don't know how, I have to believe that. So Thanksgiving at my aunts house was different to say the least. She has custody of my sister now and my brother lives here with her too, but it's not home. These pictures on the wall are not of us and our memories. I know my aunt is doing the best she can and she's trying, after all she lost her oldest living sister too and I don't want to negate that fact either. But it just feels like we're going through the motions. I haven't been able to stop crying lately and I'm afraid I'm going to slip back into that haze I was in this past summer, and I can't afford for that to happen. I'm going to seek out a new therapist when I return home to DC this week with the hopes she wont just throw medicine at me. They say the first holdiay season is the worst, so it'll only get more bearable from here on out, right? God I hope so because I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy. Thank you all for reading, just trying not to hold everything in all the time.


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    it is good you are posting
    I'm glad you are seeing a therapist when you get back to DC and I, too, hope you don't just have pills thrown at you. If you do, find another one.

    It's hard to lose your mom at any age and for any reason. That haze you were in was your mind protecting itself. I think you will find yourself moving in and out of it for some time. I can't say that is a bad thing. I'm your mom's age, lost my mom a year and half ago and still have days and times that are difficult. We are working through our second set of holidays of which Mom would have been the very focus and my sisters and I each have our difficult moments but we find things to laugh about, too. Like, how everyone else loves my cornbread dressing but my mom just could not like it because she didn't make it :) She really made a big deal out of how it wasn't "done enough" for her. We got a good laugh remembering that on Thanksgiving :)

    You ARE just going through the motions - nothing wrong with that. Give yourself time. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time.

    Does the pain lessen? Well, I don't know. Perhaps it just morphs into something we can manage. You won't be able to say for sure for awhile yet so try not to define a time frame or where you think you should be at a certain point.

    I'm sorry you are going through this - holidays can be rough. Hang in there. You will make it. Just remember to breathe.
  • jaycc
    jaycc Member Posts: 122
    Grief's battlefield
    There really are no words that describe this time of pain, grief and losing your mom. I lost my mother to cancer at 20, and last year lost my husband to cancer. My birthday also in Oct.
    Just my opinion but the holidays are very hard,you took on the cancer battle and now there is the grief battle. Not fair but here it is. Pat yourself on the back for making it through Thanksgiving. You right that people around you are trying to figure out what to say or act and they just don't know, and it gets weird. I got some strange things said to me, and my true friends just honestly said they didn't know what to say or do.
    Hang in there, take breaks when you need to. It took about 6 months for that cloudy feeling to start fading some. Liked what you said about not wanting to slip back into it. Its so much work to get to a place again where you have a level day. But you will get there, and bit by bit they will occur more often.
    Hope you find a new therapist that can help you on your terms.