Today is four weeks since my son David died. The pain feels intense, overwhelming, sharp, like it was yesterday, but it seems like months....a year...since I lost David.

So I'm trying. Trying to piece some sort of a life back together. I know my old, sweet, beautiful life is over and I can never have it back. I'll never be carefree and laugh and goof around like I used to do.

Over the course of these last four weeks, I have joined a gym and I work out with around ten different people. We don't all go at the same time, but the odds are high that when I go with my sister, we will run into several other people we know, and we all work out together.

I've gone out for dinners and lunches and coffee, been to church every Sunday since David died, I go to a mid week church group, I still go to a caregivers' support group---I made some really good friends there and they say that they really want me to keep coming. I've gotten together with them for lunch too. Next week my sister is taking me on a fancy dinner cruise on a sternwheeler on the Willamette River.

My husband is trying so hard to help me. He bought me a camper so I can go horse camping again. We are picking it up tomorrow. Back in my other life (before David was diagnosed) I used to go horse camping all the time. I took our motorhome and hauled my little straight load horse trailer. But then Larry bought me a large two-horse slant load with a dressing/tack room and it's too much for me to haul with the motorhome. I tried tent camping and it didn't work out. Too much work, and I camp in isolated areas and I didn't feel safe in a tent. The final straw was when I saw bears just a few hundred yards from my tent....anyway, it makes me cry when I think of how hard Larry is trying to do whatever he can to help me have something positive to look forward to.

I don't cry as much as I did the first three weeks. But I am depressed and sad and limp. I feel lost and I don't know what to do with myself. I volunteer at our church (doing some painting) but it's hard for me to keep on task. I start stuff and then lose heart. Sometimes I am just doing whatever, not even thinking, and all of a sudden, I just start crying really really hard. Almost uncontrollably. It doesn't last long, but the heavy, sick feeling stays.

Today I was in line with my daughter at Starbucks (always so difficult because David and I went there almost every day) and I saw a tall thin guy in a red hoodie with sunglasses, walking with the same jaunty stride that David had. David had a favorite red hoodie, and he loved his Ray Bans. For one second, I thought, "There's David!" Then it hit me so hard....I'll never ever see him again in this life. I can't believe it's over, his life here is done, gone, he's lost to me, he's lying in a casket on a lonely hill in a country cemetery. I'm his mom and he was my son and he's gone and I'm still here. I can't believe that his life is over, and I'm still here and this is my life. Sometimes I think that I can't bear it. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other and I do what I have to do.

I am afraid of what the holiday seasons will be like for me and for our family. I am not even going to get my Christmas decorations out of the attic. I'm going to buy cheap ones from the Dollar Tree. I can't stand the thought of seeing all the personal ornaments for David and my other kids, and seeing David's Christmas sock. I wish I could go somewhere far away, really different, for the entire holiday seasons. Like maybe Patagonia. Or Argentina. Just somewhere totally foreign to me......

Thank you for letting me vent.
Love and blessings,
Cindy in Salem, OR


  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    thinking of you, cindy
    I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • BenLenBo
    BenLenBo Member Posts: 145 Member
    Vent all you want Cindy, its
    Vent all you want Cindy, its good for the sole :o)
    I am one of those people who grieve for a long
    time, just miss them so much- some days its almost
    impossible to be happy. I usually takes about a
    good solid year, them great memories and the bad
    seem to leave, you don't see the suffering and
    pain, just peace and acceptance.
    My first holidays were horrible, my husband
    was always trying to keep conversations, games,
    and children busy and happy, after my parents
    passed away. I can image its 10 fold for a child.
    You can only do what feels right! Stay stong,
    and live each day one day at a time, or hour at a time,
    which ever fits at the moment.
    Take Care, thinking of you and praying for comfort
    and peace!


  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    Don't be so hard on yourself. So little time has passed. There were reasons why our ancestors went into morning for at least a year. It has been three years since I lost my husband. I still have bad times. Little things that I don't expect will suddenly hit me hard. As I have said before, I can't even imagine what it is like to lose a child, but I do know that grieving takes time, lots of time. Please try to give yourself that time. My thoughts are with you. Fay
  • connsteele
    connsteele Member Posts: 232
    Cindy, thinking of you. I
    Cindy, thinking of you. I know it's hard, but you will get through it. And I agree with grandma Fay, don't be so hard on yourself. That's hard, I know. My husband and I are both still coming to grips. We find we can't concentrate on things and lose the remote key set to our car, etc. We are 7 months, 1 day out from our David's passing. Sometimes, the year we cared for him seems like a dream...that it happened to someone else.

    I too am dreading the holidays. Wish the next six weeks could,vanish. Since we have just one surviving adult child now (gosh, if I had known that Iwould lose one of my precious children, I would have had more) and no grandchildren, it is easier for me to ignore the holidays. In fact, on Thanksgiving day, we are driving to Pittsburg just to get away. There are lots of nice museums there and we plan on going to see a favorite musical group performing there.

    one thing that gives me comfort is that we have one of those eternal candles next to David's picture and the box that holds his ashes on the mantel. We light it every night. Because even though someday we hope the pain will ease, I never ever want to forget him. Lighting the candle makes me feel like in some way he is in the room with us.

    Take care Cindy.
  • Tubbs
    Tubbs Member Posts: 51
    I highly recommend a trip
    I highly recommend a trip far away, if you can do it. My friend is working in France and he flew me over to visit him soon after my wife passed. I couldn't afford it so he got me a ticket (he can well afford it) and I was on a plane a few days after we talked about it. My wife loved Paris, and we had been saving money for us to go there together for the first time. I carried the prayer card from her funeral with me as I walked the streets of Paris alone. I was a little sad here and there, thinking how much she would've loved to be walking Paris with me, but there were so many interesting distractions, it actually was cathartic.

    The week or so after I returned home were the 'best' of my grieving process thus far. Everyone is different, but the trip really helped me.