David's burial and memorial

cindysuetoyou

We had a private gravesite service for David on Thursday--family only. We have a large family so it wasn't a real small gathering. We buried David in a small pioneer cemetery out in the country, up on a hill, under a huge oak tree, only a few feet away from his best friend, my closest friend's son, who was killed in a car accident when he and David were both thirteen years old---16 years ago.

When we pulled up to the cemetery and I saw David's flower-covered pine coffin sitting there, with a man on a backhoe discreetly waiting off in the distance, I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I didn't think I could get out of the car. I cried out, "God, help me!" and I finally made it out of the car. My poor family was so brokenhearted for me, for David, for their loss. It was so terrible, but our pastor spoke so well and he helped us a lot. He's been our family's close friend since before we had any kids, and he knew David all of David's life. He wept while he did the service--he could barely get the words out. I appreciated the fact that he loved and misses David too.

Today we had a memorial service for David. I made a short video of a bunch of clips of David making shot after shot of baskets in a basketball game. It's on my Facebook page in my video section, page four. We had a slideshow of pictures from David's life, from birth right up to the month before his death. We also had an amazing video clip from a church service where our pastor did an interview with David right after David was diagnosed with the recurrence. It was absolutely heart wrenching to see that video. David was so incredibly brave and optimistic, yet realistic about what his future was going to be. Even so, he was smiling and even joking around a little in that video. The church was totally packed out for David's service and you could hear so many people sobbing so hard during that video and also during the slideshow.

Our pastor spoke and he shared such a good message that we all felt a measure of comfort. I'm glad that David is free from his suffering and I know he's in a better place, but the depth of my grief is almost consuming me. I'm such a foolish person. I thought that I had done so much grieving before David actually died that I thought I would be sad but okay when David died. Well I'm not okay and I don't know if I will ever be okay ever ever ever again in my lifetime. Everyone says it takes time and I will feel better. But.....I don't want to feel better. I don't want to recover. I want to lie on that hill on David's fresh grave and cry until I die too. But I have three other heartbroken kids and four grand kids that still need me so I have to pull myself together and I need to be strong for them.

Our church had a really nice buffet luncheon after the service for everyone. There were so many people, so much food, so many flowers and cards, so many people hugging me.... It really touched my heart and comforted me that so many people loved David.

So now....what? What do I do? What do I fight for, pray for, work for? I get up and...what? No pills to give, no bed to change, no sweet face to kiss, no hand to hold. It's over and I am lost.

My nephew who went through a terrible struggle of his own told me that for now, all I should attempt to do is live one day at a time. When I get up, only have one goal---just to make it through that one day. Nothing more than that. I think that's what I will do. Just get through one day at a time.

Thank you for reading this. Connie, momsworld, any moms who have lost their children...how are you surviving? How do you get through the day? I need help from you.

Love and blessings,
Cindy

connsteele

Dearest Cindy, I know your
Dearest Cindy, I know your pain. it cuts so deep. Grief is a very physical thing... Sometimes I feel as if there is a huge weight on my chest, and I find myself sighing a lot to relieve the pressure, which helps for a few moments. Other times it is a sharp pain in the chest...that's when my body is telling me to stop, and give way to the wave of grief. I've been told that one can't avoid grief...you have to go through it in order to heal.

It's been six months since we lost our David and sometimes I think...OK, we will get through this. Other times I wonder.
Maybe it's too early...but when you're ready, I encourage you to read "on Grief and Grieving" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a doctor who pioneered the hospice movement.

Three months after David died, my husband and I went on a three month trip. One of our friends said she thought that would be a good thing...a way to press the "restart button." While we had many nice experiences, the entire trip was tempered with the thoughts of David. We arrived home a week ago, and I was caught off guard about how hard it was to come home and have all the reminders of David "in our face", so to speak.
Last night I had a "grief attack". We still have his clothes and i went into the hall closet and got out his coats. And jackets...zipped them all up, went through the pockets, and held them all to my face, taking in the smell of him. It's the closest I can get to his physical presence.

Someone else reminded me that the best way to honor our departed loved ones is to embrace life fully, just as they did. I do believe that's true, but it will be a while.

Please feel free to email me anytime (connsteele@msn.com) I would also be glad to provide my phone number in the email if you want to talk.
Please get some rest now.

Connie
Mother of David
2/28/77-4/14/12
AA3

grandmafay

Loss
I haven't lost a child and can only imagine the pain that causes, but grief is not a stranger to me. I lost my husband three years ago yesterday. I, too, thought I was ready. Now I have decided that you are never ready. You are also right that you need to take just one day at a time. Sometimes you can only handle one hour or one minute at a time. I know that there are grief groups out there specifically for parents who have lost a child. You might want to see about that. Right now, though, just do the best you can. It is very hard to not only lose someone but to move from being a caregiver one minute to a totally different role. Somehow, we find the strength. We each grieve in our own way and time, and we know that there is no such thing as closure. Please take care of yourself now. Your family is in my prayers. Fay

here4lfe

Good Advice from your nephew
I hope that the ceremonies for David were as you wanted and needed. I am amazed you had the energy and forethought to make a video of his life, something you can cherish. I too know the feeling of 'what now' after dealing with cancer. Praying for your strength.

Best to you today.

sadinholland

grandmafay said:

Loss
I haven't lost a child and can only imagine the pain that causes, but grief is not a stranger to me. I lost my husband three years ago yesterday. I, too, thought I was ready. Now I have decided that you are never ready. You are also right that you need to take just one day at a time. Sometimes you can only handle one hour or one minute at a time. I know that there are grief groups out there specifically for parents who have lost a child. You might want to see about that. Right now, though, just do the best you can. It is very hard to not only lose someone but to move from being a caregiver one minute to a totally different role. Somehow, we find the strength. We each grieve in our own way and time, and we know that there is no such thing as closure. Please take care of yourself now. Your family is in my prayers. Fay

I am so sorry for you loss and you pain.
Cindy,

I read your post about David the same day wrote it. I was extremely upset and I couldn't find the right words to say. I didn't want to upset you so I just decided to wait before saying anything at all. I hope you understand. I didn't want to make you feel worse. I feel that IS all you can do, take one day at a time. I will continue to pray for healing but this time for you. Thank you God for the promise of never leaving or forsaking us, thank you for never allowing us be lost or separated from your love. Although there are times we may feel as thouugh we can't bear anymore, we know you are there to carry our burdons for us. Comfort us through your Holy Spirit dear Lord, and mend our hurting hearts. Help us to understand dear Lord, and thank you Lord for all your many blessings. Thank you for allowing us the time we have with our loved ones, thank you for the healing in our minds, hearts, body and spirits. Thank you for being the awesome God that you are. Give Cindy and her family peace and understanding dear Lord. Mend her broken heart dear God, help her to be able to carry on with peace in her heart and in a healthy way. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

chicken2799

Cindy
Just wanted to let you know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You have been such a great supporter of many of us on this site. You have a lot of friends (family) on CSN that are hear to listen when you need us too!

With Love,

Michelle
Mobile, Al

I_Promise

chicken2799 said:

Cindy
Just wanted to let you know that you are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. You have been such a great supporter of many of us on this site. You have a lot of friends (family) on CSN that are hear to listen when you need us too!

With Love,

Michelle
Mobile, Al

Cindy
I read your post a few days ago but it was very hard to find the words to answer. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Parents should never have to bury their own children. I cannot accept that David is gone. Somethings are not meant to be.

Through this year you have always been a source of inspiration. Despite David's decline you always took the time to enquire about my sister. You helped me countless times. I wish I could help you now.

I don't know how one is suppose to go on after such a devastating loss, unfair nonsensical tragedy. I heard that time and family help.

Please don't stop posting now that David is gone if you feel like it. I would want to read about you.

with Love,

Julia