Feeling guilty about my feelings...

Tigger82 Member Posts: 4
My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on my 29th birthday. On her birthday, she had a port put in and started her first round of chemo and radiation. During this time, she stayed with my sister who is a stay at home mom and lives about 10 minutes from the cancer center. She stayed with her during the week and came home (about 45 minutes away) on the weekends. This went on from mid March until July 4th when she decided she wanted to come home. I was working a full time and a part time job at that time. My full time job allowed me to work from my parents house to take care of my mom and take her to her appointments and treatments (which is a 45 minute commute each way) every other week. The week before mothers day, my mom decided to stop treatment, go on hospice and allow the cancer to take it's toll. Being that my mom was a nurse, she does not accept help from hospice on much except for the nurse to take care of her pills and take vitals and blood work. Since then, I have lost my job, lost my boyfriend of 2 years (who couldn't handle the stress of my situation), my dad was laid off, and I'm now trying to find a night shift position so I can afford to take care of my mom during the day (which is her request). I'm starting to really get depressed, but can't show my mom any of this. I feel guilty because my mom is going through so much and fighting so hard and I don't feel like I will ever be half the woman she is. She was given 6 months to live and has been fighting like a champ for 20 now. She has such a big heart and the stress that my family has endured during this time is horrible. My dad and I have had to stick together through this. We have realized who we can really rely on. It's really sad how tragedy really brings out peoples true colors.

My question for everyone is... What do I do? How can I deal with things better? I don't like taking medication. I work out 5 days a week (I'm a water fitness instructor and teach private swim lessons). I have very few friends who have stuck by my side through this. I have trouble sleeping because I'm afraid I won't be available if my parents need me. I'm just having a really hard coping with everything and don't know which direction to take.