Deciding How to Pass

Fight56

I am so emotionally exhausted...spent last night arguing with my brothers about how mum will go. Mum was diagnosed with brain tumor (GBM IV) in April. Right now she's awake a few minutes a day, can't talk, and can sometimes move her hand. Me & my dad just want her to go peacefully, to not prolong this. My brothers want her to get a feeding tube (they already have a naturopathic doctor giving her nutrients through IV).

I don't want mum to suffer anymore, but I also feel the guilt of giving up. How do you know what the right decision is? Last night was terrible...we were arguing and yelling so much while mum was sleeping right there. I have such a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and feel like I'm going to crash.

Noellesmom

for you
First of all, breathe.

There are many ways for this to be handled. What does her doctor say? Have you called hospice?

Giving up? It doesn't sound like you are giving up at all. You are fighting for your mom to have peace.

Your brothers are not being fair to anyone involved, but most of all to your mom.

Call hospice. Get advice. Stop thinking any one of you can make the actual decision on how this is going to go except in your own mind and heart. It is too much responsibility.

Again, breathe. At the end of all of this, you want to still be a family. Get some kind of mediation - again, think hospice - involved.

Fight56

Noellesmom said:

for you
First of all, breathe.

There are many ways for this to be handled. What does her doctor say? Have you called hospice?

Giving up? It doesn't sound like you are giving up at all. You are fighting for your mom to have peace.

Your brothers are not being fair to anyone involved, but most of all to your mom.

Call hospice. Get advice. Stop thinking any one of you can make the actual decision on how this is going to go except in your own mind and heart. It is too much responsibility.

Again, breathe. At the end of all of this, you want to still be a family. Get some kind of mediation - again, think hospice - involved.

Thank you for replying
Noellesmom, my family wouldn't agree to bringing hospice in, including my dad. We have at least decided to try giving mum higher doses of vitamins through IV to see if that helps her state of consciousness. We have been talking with mum's sister, a nurse for 40+ years. I may not trust what my brothers or the naturopathic doctor says, but I trust my aunt. We will go forward from there.

I am still a huge ball of anxiety because I don't want mum to get hurt and I don't want to prolong any suffering she might be going through. I am still so confused. I feel like my views about what life is are so different from many of my family.

Noellesmom

Fight56 said:

Thank you for replying
Noellesmom, my family wouldn't agree to bringing hospice in, including my dad. We have at least decided to try giving mum higher doses of vitamins through IV to see if that helps her state of consciousness. We have been talking with mum's sister, a nurse for 40+ years. I may not trust what my brothers or the naturopathic doctor says, but I trust my aunt. We will go forward from there.

I am still a huge ball of anxiety because I don't want mum to get hurt and I don't want to prolong any suffering she might be going through. I am still so confused. I feel like my views about what life is are so different from many of my family.

Try to relax
So much of this is not in anyone's hands, Fight.

I know you don't want your mom to suffer anything that is avoidable. Does she seem to be in pain?

Hospice - perhaps they do not understand hospice's purpose. It is not only for end of life care. They are their for the patients needs, to avoid unnecessary suffering. They are also there for the family.

What if you spoke to the doctor's office and he recommended hospice for your mom? Would they agree then?

Barbara B

Fight56 said:

Thank you for replying
Noellesmom, my family wouldn't agree to bringing hospice in, including my dad. We have at least decided to try giving mum higher doses of vitamins through IV to see if that helps her state of consciousness. We have been talking with mum's sister, a nurse for 40+ years. I may not trust what my brothers or the naturopathic doctor says, but I trust my aunt. We will go forward from there.

I am still a huge ball of anxiety because I don't want mum to get hurt and I don't want to prolong any suffering she might be going through. I am still so confused. I feel like my views about what life is are so different from many of my family.

It does work out
My aunt recently passed away from cervical cancer, she has five children. Sadly, they were at each other's throats because each of them had a different opinion as to what was "best" for her.

With a little intervention they came to understand that the one thing they did agree on was that they all wanted what was best for their mom. Cooler heads prevailed and they sought advice from three doctors and their priest. IS your family religious? Can you call a peron of faith to possibly calm the waters?

My aunt eventually went to hospice but that is a major decision and sadly when people hear the word all they think is death and suffering. That is so far from the truth. Hospice care is loving and treats each pweson with respect. But it sounds as if your dad is not ready for that.

Try spiritual intervention or some sound advice from a few different doctors, maybe someone will come up with a solution you can all agree on.

Sending prayers your way. Barbara

here4lfe

You Don't Know
My wife passed so fast. If there is anything your family needs to understand is that she is declining and she needs to trust that her family is assisting her in passing on. Hospice is all that is left in reality, so bringing them in sooner rather than later would be best.

evangelinedyrim

here4lfe said:

You Don't Know
My wife passed so fast. If there is anything your family needs to understand is that she is declining and she needs to trust that her family is assisting her in passing on. Hospice is all that is left in reality, so bringing them in sooner rather than later would be best.

Yes, you are absolutely
Yes, you are absolutely right! Bring her hope. And the only hope is to give her treatments. Hope your family deal with this difficulty sooner. good luck.

- http://www.imedwell.org/How-Long-Does-Vicodin-Stay-In-Your-System.html | Levothyroxine Side Effects | Lisinopril Side Effects

Fight56

Barbara B said:

It does work out
My aunt recently passed away from cervical cancer, she has five children. Sadly, they were at each other's throats because each of them had a different opinion as to what was "best" for her.

With a little intervention they came to understand that the one thing they did agree on was that they all wanted what was best for their mom. Cooler heads prevailed and they sought advice from three doctors and their priest. IS your family religious? Can you call a peron of faith to possibly calm the waters?

My aunt eventually went to hospice but that is a major decision and sadly when people hear the word all they think is death and suffering. That is so far from the truth. Hospice care is loving and treats each pweson with respect. But it sounds as if your dad is not ready for that.

Try spiritual intervention or some sound advice from a few different doctors, maybe someone will come up with a solution you can all agree on.

Sending prayers your way. Barbara

I can tell you now, nothing
I can tell you now, nothing anyone has said, be it doctors, clergy, or relatives, has done anything to change my brothers' thoughts about jumping into any treatment that comes our way. They say there is no time to think, we need to act now. There is no caution. They are currently giving her treatment but won't tell us what it is because "we don't care".

Mum told dad before that if she ever ended up like this, she didn't want to keep going. Their explanation? That people change their minds and that actually she wants to live.

This needs to end. Either my mum needs to wake up and start talking, or she needs to go to Jesus, because I can very easily see my dad going before her. The amount of stress he is under, the amount of abuse he has taken from my brothers for "giving up", is atrocious. After all of this, I will be cutting off all contact with my older brother. I can't even look at my younger brother anymore - he is becoming so much like my older brother.

BenLenBo

Fight56 said:

I can tell you now, nothing
I can tell you now, nothing anyone has said, be it doctors, clergy, or relatives, has done anything to change my brothers' thoughts about jumping into any treatment that comes our way. They say there is no time to think, we need to act now. There is no caution. They are currently giving her treatment but won't tell us what it is because "we don't care".

Mum told dad before that if she ever ended up like this, she didn't want to keep going. Their explanation? That people change their minds and that actually she wants to live.

This needs to end. Either my mum needs to wake up and start talking, or she needs to go to Jesus, because I can very easily see my dad going before her. The amount of stress he is under, the amount of abuse he has taken from my brothers for "giving up", is atrocious. After all of this, I will be cutting off all contact with my older brother. I can't even look at my younger brother anymore - he is becoming so much like my older brother.

Fight 56,
I just read
Fight 56,
I just read the drama your family is facing about your mother's condition. Your mother is suffering in silence, unable to communicate or even be awake more than a few minutes. Is it fair to your mother to suffer, and then listen to her family argue over her. Yes, she may not have her
eyes open or beable to speak, but she can still hear what is going on in the room. Your brothers seem to have trouble facing the fact your mother is dying. They need to see a counselor or meet with a member of the clergy to calm their fears. Fear is a very large part of the dying process, not just for your mother but, your father also.
Hospice does have a website, that explains what they offer, there are many people who use
hospice, that are still alive and well today. Hospice offers support for your mother, and the whole family, calming a stressful situations. What is nice, they are able to relieve the caregivers, to give them a few hours, to go for a walk, visit with friends, go shopping or just enjoy a coffee away from the house. Everyone will be more relaxed, and your mother more calm.
Praying for comfort and peace!

Carol

Fight56

BenLenBo said:

Fight 56,
I just read
Fight 56,
I just read the drama your family is facing about your mother's condition. Your mother is suffering in silence, unable to communicate or even be awake more than a few minutes. Is it fair to your mother to suffer, and then listen to her family argue over her. Yes, she may not have her
eyes open or beable to speak, but she can still hear what is going on in the room. Your brothers seem to have trouble facing the fact your mother is dying. They need to see a counselor or meet with a member of the clergy to calm their fears. Fear is a very large part of the dying process, not just for your mother but, your father also.
Hospice does have a website, that explains what they offer, there are many people who use
hospice, that are still alive and well today. Hospice offers support for your mother, and the whole family, calming a stressful situations. What is nice, they are able to relieve the caregivers, to give them a few hours, to go for a walk, visit with friends, go shopping or just enjoy a coffee away from the house. Everyone will be more relaxed, and your mother more calm.
Praying for comfort and peace!

Carol

An update...
Mum passed tonight. In the end, it didn't matter that we all had fought - we were there with mum til her last breathe. It was very peaceful and she was at home. All the arguments and fighting went away. I may still have issues with my brother, but I know we were all trying to do the best for mum, even if the "best" was quite different for each person. Thanks everyone for your replies and I hope you have a better go of it than we did.

Noellesmom

Fight56 said:

An update...
Mum passed tonight. In the end, it didn't matter that we all had fought - we were there with mum til her last breathe. It was very peaceful and she was at home. All the arguments and fighting went away. I may still have issues with my brother, but I know we were all trying to do the best for mum, even if the "best" was quite different for each person. Thanks everyone for your replies and I hope you have a better go of it than we did.

prayers lifted
As you, your father and your brothers make your way through this, I'm praying for peace and understanding and calm for all of you. As you said, each of you wanted what was best for your mother.

Come back and let us know how you are doing, Fight.

Hugs.

BenLenBo

Fight56 said:

An update...
Mum passed tonight. In the end, it didn't matter that we all had fought - we were there with mum til her last breathe. It was very peaceful and she was at home. All the arguments and fighting went away. I may still have issues with my brother, but I know we were all trying to do the best for mum, even if the "best" was quite different for each person. Thanks everyone for your replies and I hope you have a better go of it than we did.

My prayers and sympathy are
My prayers and sympathy are with you all during this difficult time. Know that you all will be drawn closer as you move through the process of grieving for your mother.

(((HUGS)))

Carol

grandmafay

Fight56 said:

An update...
Mum passed tonight. In the end, it didn't matter that we all had fought - we were there with mum til her last breathe. It was very peaceful and she was at home. All the arguments and fighting went away. I may still have issues with my brother, but I know we were all trying to do the best for mum, even if the "best" was quite different for each person. Thanks everyone for your replies and I hope you have a better go of it than we did.

Sorry
Just hugs and sympathy. Take care of yoursel now. Fay

EricaA

Fight56 said:

An update...
Mum passed tonight. In the end, it didn't matter that we all had fought - we were there with mum til her last breathe. It was very peaceful and she was at home. All the arguments and fighting went away. I may still have issues with my brother, but I know we were all trying to do the best for mum, even if the "best" was quite different for each person. Thanks everyone for your replies and I hope you have a better go of it than we did.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


I'm so sorry for your loss.

Fight56

EricaA said:

I'm so sorry for your loss.


I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thanks Everyone
Our family is holding up. Right now everything is so busy with the funeral arrangements. But it keeps us busy, no time to dwell too much.

It's kind of weird, I still check out the brain tumor forums I've been lurking on the past 5 months. But now it's not for treatment options, nor trying to find anyone who can commiserate about new symptoms. I don't know what I'm looking for.

Anyways, if anyone can offer advice on the time following the funeral, because I think that will be when everyone suddenly disappears, the advice is welcome.

Fight56

here4lfe said:

You Don't Know
My wife passed so fast. If there is anything your family needs to understand is that she is declining and she needs to trust that her family is assisting her in passing on. Hospice is all that is left in reality, so bringing them in sooner rather than later would be best.

How do you hold up?
Right now is okay because of all the relatives around, but what about after the funeral? How have you managed? My dad doesn't have a huge social group. I worry about him because mum was his best friend.

grandmafay

Fight56 said:

How do you hold up?
Right now is okay because of all the relatives around, but what about after the funeral? How have you managed? My dad doesn't have a huge social group. I worry about him because mum was his best friend.

Surviving
You survive by just putting one foot in front of the other at first. It isn't easy. Sometimes you take things a day, an hour, or even one minute at a time. Each of us has to grieve in our own way and time. There is no right way. Time does help, but it doesn't totally heal. We just begin to accept or as a friend told me, it mellows. I lost my husband almost three years ago. Those first few weeks and months, I definitely had the fog of grief at times. Your father will need your love. Just knowing that you are there will help. Phone calls and visits will be very important. Life does go on. We can't stop it. We can only learn to live with it. You are a very good daughter to worry about your dad, but in the end, he will have to find his own way. Take care, Fay

here4lfe

Fight56 said:

How do you hold up?
Right now is okay because of all the relatives around, but what about after the funeral? How have you managed? My dad doesn't have a huge social group. I worry about him because mum was his best friend.

Well
I am on automatic pilot, with a veil of fog all around me. The relatives are gone, I have my daughter at home, but she is grieving also. I am going to work, I have gone out with some friends, but the reality is that SHE is not here, I cannot talk to her when the "Guess What?" occurs during the day, hear her laugh, look into her beautiful eyes, and all the other parts of life that she made brighter.
I do have a support system with other widowers, so your Dad may want to get with some guys he trusts who have been through this to help him.
Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of on-line widower support groups, so like me he'll have to manage with the widows forums.
Like grandmafay said, you also need to take sure of yourself.

Best.