Being depressed and angry when I'm supposed to be happy

Marynb

lizdeli said:

It's not uncommon
I too felt depressed and scared. I masked it by throughing myself full force into work about 3 weeks after I finsihed treatment. I was on ativan and at times I still need to take it. I will feel intense anxiety for no reason what so ever, it just pops up now and then. The people in my life that care about me and love me do their best to be supportive, but generally the response is "everything is going to be okay". I want it to all be okay but only we understand the lingering iota of fear that stays with us. Some days more than others. After 3 years I can still go througha couple of days not thinking about it. Then some days I think it about it a lot. No pattern, it just happens. So what you are feeling is quite expected. In time it does get better.You've gone through a lot and it takes time to settle in with our new normal.
Wishing you continued healing and strength.
Liz

Thanks.
It really helps for me to talk to other cancer warriors. When I finished treatment for this cancer, they did more specialized scan and found another cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. There is no known effective treatment for this cancer....unless they can successfully cut it out. I had major surgery and I do hope they got it all, but they just have no way of knowing. So, for some reason, my body makes cancer. I am fully aware that every single day is a gift , and I hate wasting time, but have spent too many days last month staring out the window, not wanting people to see me not feeling well.

Since I started exercising daily, I feel better. It is weird because I sort of disappeared for almost 2 years now. My treatments and surgery were out of state. I did not want anyone but family and very close friends to know. Now I am starting to reappear socially and people can see that I am different, but they don't know why. I see the look of shock on their faces. Maybe I will start looking better soon.

We are blessed. Thank you for being here. It really helps. My plan was just to move on, brush myself off, and pretend nothing happened to me. That just doesn't work.

Mary

Marynb

lizdeli said:

It's not uncommon
I too felt depressed and scared. I masked it by throughing myself full force into work about 3 weeks after I finsihed treatment. I was on ativan and at times I still need to take it. I will feel intense anxiety for no reason what so ever, it just pops up now and then. The people in my life that care about me and love me do their best to be supportive, but generally the response is "everything is going to be okay". I want it to all be okay but only we understand the lingering iota of fear that stays with us. Some days more than others. After 3 years I can still go througha couple of days not thinking about it. Then some days I think it about it a lot. No pattern, it just happens. So what you are feeling is quite expected. In time it does get better.You've gone through a lot and it takes time to settle in with our new normal.
Wishing you continued healing and strength.
Liz

Thanks.
It really helps for me to talk to other cancer warriors. When I finished treatment for this cancer, they did more specialized scan and found another cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. There is no known effective treatment for this cancer....unless they can successfully cut it out. I had major surgery and I do hope they got it all, but they just have no way of knowing. So, for some reason, my body makes cancer. I am fully aware that every single day is a gift , and I hate wasting time, but have spent too many days last month staring out the window, not wanting people to see me not feeling well.

Since I started exercising daily, I feel better. It is weird because I sort of disappeared for almost 2 years now. My treatments and surgery were out of state. I did not want anyone but family and very close friends to know. Now I am starting to reappear socially and people can see that I am different, but they don't know why. I see the look of shock on their faces. Maybe I will start looking better soon.

We are blessed. Thank you for being here. It really helps. My plan was just to move on, brush myself off, and pretend nothing happened to me. That just doesn't work.

Mary

Marynb

lizdeli said:

It's not uncommon
I too felt depressed and scared. I masked it by throughing myself full force into work about 3 weeks after I finsihed treatment. I was on ativan and at times I still need to take it. I will feel intense anxiety for no reason what so ever, it just pops up now and then. The people in my life that care about me and love me do their best to be supportive, but generally the response is "everything is going to be okay". I want it to all be okay but only we understand the lingering iota of fear that stays with us. Some days more than others. After 3 years I can still go througha couple of days not thinking about it. Then some days I think it about it a lot. No pattern, it just happens. So what you are feeling is quite expected. In time it does get better.You've gone through a lot and it takes time to settle in with our new normal.
Wishing you continued healing and strength.
Liz

Thanks.
It really helps for me to talk to other cancer warriors. When I finished treatment for this cancer, they did more specialized scan and found another cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. There is no known effective treatment for this cancer....unless they can successfully cut it out. I had major surgery and I do hope they got it all, but they just have no way of knowing. So, for some reason, my body makes cancer. I am fully aware that every single day is a gift , and I hate wasting time, but have spent too many days last month staring out the window, not wanting people to see me not feeling well.

Since I started exercising daily, I feel better. It is weird because I sort of disappeared for almost 2 years now. My treatments and surgery were out of state. I did not want anyone but family and very close friends to know. Now I am starting to reappear socially and people can see that I am different, but they don't know why. I see the look of shock on their faces. Maybe I will start looking better soon.

We are blessed. Thank you for being here. It really helps. My plan was just to move on, brush myself off, and pretend nothing happened to me. That just doesn't work.

Mary

MyHopen413

Marynb said:

Thanks.
It really helps for me to talk to other cancer warriors. When I finished treatment for this cancer, they did more specialized scan and found another cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. There is no known effective treatment for this cancer....unless they can successfully cut it out. I had major surgery and I do hope they got it all, but they just have no way of knowing. So, for some reason, my body makes cancer. I am fully aware that every single day is a gift , and I hate wasting time, but have spent too many days last month staring out the window, not wanting people to see me not feeling well.

Since I started exercising daily, I feel better. It is weird because I sort of disappeared for almost 2 years now. My treatments and surgery were out of state. I did not want anyone but family and very close friends to know. Now I am starting to reappear socially and people can see that I am different, but they don't know why. I see the look of shock on their faces. Maybe I will start looking better soon.

We are blessed. Thank you for being here. It really helps. My plan was just to move on, brush myself off, and pretend nothing happened to me. That just doesn't work.

Mary

I am so grateful for all of
I am so grateful for all of you and your compassionate responses. I started taking a low dose of Celexa and it has really helped. I feel like myself and not nearly so anxious. My mother died on August 25th after 5 years in the nursing home and a year and a half truly suffering. I will miss her a lot, but know she has gone home and is at peace. My most recent CT scan was clear - Yeah!
God bless all of you!
Diane

mp327

MyHopen413 said:

I am so grateful for all of
I am so grateful for all of you and your compassionate responses. I started taking a low dose of Celexa and it has really helped. I feel like myself and not nearly so anxious. My mother died on August 25th after 5 years in the nursing home and a year and a half truly suffering. I will miss her a lot, but know she has gone home and is at peace. My most recent CT scan was clear - Yeah!
God bless all of you!
Diane

Hi Diane--
I'm glad you have found something that is making you feel better. It's good to hear that your anxiety has eased. I'm very sorry to hear that your mother has passed. Letting go is hard, but no more suffering is a blessing. Take care of yourself now and keep moving forward! Hugs.

sandysp

MyHopen413 said:

I am so grateful for all of
I am so grateful for all of you and your compassionate responses. I started taking a low dose of Celexa and it has really helped. I feel like myself and not nearly so anxious. My mother died on August 25th after 5 years in the nursing home and a year and a half truly suffering. I will miss her a lot, but know she has gone home and is at peace. My most recent CT scan was clear - Yeah!
God bless all of you!
Diane

Same here
My mom died August 23rd and she too had been in an Assisted Living Facility that was becoming more and more like skilled nursing for her. Congratulations on your CT scan. I am at peace with my Mom's death also. She suffered more than she should have and it's good her suffering has ended. My scans and tests are all coming back good too. It's weird having joy and sadness so close together.

All the best to you,
Sandy

Angela_K

Marynb said:

What helps
I did not expect to feel depressed after sailing through treatment for 2 separate cancers in one year. I thought life would go on and I would continue to find joy in each new day that I was granted. About one year post treatment (a few months ago), it hit me like a lead balloon. I started isolating myself for fear of a diarreah accident and soon lost interest in almost everything. To add insult to injury, I lost my job. I just wasn't up to the long hours after a year of treatments and major surgery. My finances went to hell in a handbasket very quickly. My doctor suggested medications, but I have decided against taking any more junk into my body. I have recently joined a support group for women cancer survivors and I started going to the gym every day. It was hard to get started, but I am finding my depression is lifting. I think what has reeally helped is my change of diet. I bought Dr. Furhamn's book "Super Immunity". Essentially, i have switched to a plant based diet and have eliminated sugar and processed foods. I feel so much better already. I am still looking for work and so have days that I feel discouraged and fearful of losing my home. I think the key is to boost the body's immune system as much as possible. I learned in my support group that some ptsd is totally predictable.

Great marynb!
A clean diet makes significant improvements in our mental and physical health. I just started eating more "Zen-like" ~ savoring each bite of fresh/simply prepared/sustainable food, appreciating where the food comes from, appreciating who harvests the food, and appreciating how it gets to kitchen and then to my table. My family thinks I've gone nuts. But what's new pussycat?

sephie

Marynb said:

Thanks.
It really helps for me to talk to other cancer warriors. When I finished treatment for this cancer, they did more specialized scan and found another cancer that had spread to the lymph glands. There is no known effective treatment for this cancer....unless they can successfully cut it out. I had major surgery and I do hope they got it all, but they just have no way of knowing. So, for some reason, my body makes cancer. I am fully aware that every single day is a gift , and I hate wasting time, but have spent too many days last month staring out the window, not wanting people to see me not feeling well.

Since I started exercising daily, I feel better. It is weird because I sort of disappeared for almost 2 years now. My treatments and surgery were out of state. I did not want anyone but family and very close friends to know. Now I am starting to reappear socially and people can see that I am different, but they don't know why. I see the look of shock on their faces. Maybe I will start looking better soon.

We are blessed. Thank you for being here. It really helps. My plan was just to move on, brush myself off, and pretend nothing happened to me. That just doesn't work.

Mary

do the best you can
hey, i am still angry and scared . and it has been 3 years. not one day goes by that when i have my 2 to 3bm's i am looking to see if bleeding . or have to go deal with pain afterwards. it is constantly (almost) on my mind. we have all been thru torture and agony. you are not alone. hugs sephie