Finally got the courage to look at my mastectomy site yesterday--oh boy!
missrenee
Member Posts: 2,136 Member
I know way too many of you have been where I am, and I'm really not whining, just telling you how I felt and if anyone shared these types of thoughts.
The only word that came to my mind was "horrific." My left chest is not only flat, but looks likes it's been excavated. The scar looks huge, mean and ugly. There is a little pouch of fluid at one end near the midline. I quickly covered the whole thing up again with clean dressing, even though surgeon said I could leave it off after day 1. I don't want to see it.
I did not cry and my husband was there with me. He said, "It really doesn't look so bad", but I know he was trying to be supportive and nice.
My surgeon said reconstruction might not be an option--too many rads, maybe additional chest wall rads and skin that might not hold up.
After having an amazingly good day on Saturday, Sunday I felt sad, and not that great physically. Will my feelings get better about this? Right now, I feel violated.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs, Renee
The only word that came to my mind was "horrific." My left chest is not only flat, but looks likes it's been excavated. The scar looks huge, mean and ugly. There is a little pouch of fluid at one end near the midline. I quickly covered the whole thing up again with clean dressing, even though surgeon said I could leave it off after day 1. I don't want to see it.
I did not cry and my husband was there with me. He said, "It really doesn't look so bad", but I know he was trying to be supportive and nice.
My surgeon said reconstruction might not be an option--too many rads, maybe additional chest wall rads and skin that might not hold up.
After having an amazingly good day on Saturday, Sunday I felt sad, and not that great physically. Will my feelings get better about this? Right now, I feel violated.
Thanks for listening.
Hugs, Renee
0
Comments
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Oh how I remember that first
Oh how I remember that first look...it was incredibly hard.
In my case it did get better. First you are still so close to surgery that you are not at your final shape and everything looks more angry and red... It will also look better once any steri-strips or stitches are gone.
There are now many days when I look in the mirror at that "excavated" shape (I love that description!) and see strength and power. It is often for me a symbol of all that I have faced, and am still able to face today.
I will also not have reconstruction for the same reasons you mention. Plus, I just don't want to add more surgeries to my plate, especially since the possibility of success is so poor in my case.
I hope that as you recover, you will be able to find peace with this. You have my prayers and my love.
Hugs,
Linda0 -
Oh, I bawled big time. My
Oh, I bawled big time. My breast was not big or beautiful, but the lack of it really hit me. Honestly though, it didn't seem to bother my husband as much as it did me.
I chose, after I had finished my therapies, to have the TRAM reconstruction. It helped me, especially since I was only 33 at the time. I was not a candidate for implants because of my tumor being so large.
I think your feelings are both normal and justifiable. And you will feel better with time. Hang in there! I am praying for you and sending big hugs.0 -
Hugs!
Very normal, I cried too! The scar will lighten up and fade so it will not look so mean and you will adjust, it is just so new. If surgery is not an option there are very comfortable quite realistic prosthetics you can wear when you wish. Hang in there Renee, lots of understandable emotions, kudos to your hubby for his wonderful support!
Gentle Hugs,
RE0 -
The hardest
The first time you see it is by far the hardest. I too felt very traumatized and I think it is completely normal to feel exactly the way you do. It heals and starts to look less angry and you will get more used to it over time. I did do reconstructive surgery but it was after chemo so about 6 months after I had my mastectomies. To tell you the truth, by the end of chemo I had gotten so used to how I looked that I was seriously reconsidering whether or not I wanted to do reconstruction. I ended up doing it, but I think I would have been fine without it. Take it one day at a time. None of this is easy but it does get easier.
Best,
Clementine0 -
You WILL feel better about
You WILL feel better about this. You need time to heal physically and emotionally. Someone has said that our scars make us stronger. It is always with sadness that I look at my scars, but now I can look at them with a certain amount of pride for kicking cancer's a**. xoxoxo Lynn0 -
Hi Renee -- I didn't have a
Hi Renee -- I didn't have a mastectomy (although planning to have one in the near future), but I had a lumpectomy with re-excision. I know I can't compare, but when I first look I was scared too. Especially because the Dr. said he wasn't sure how the second time would turn out (i had cells under nipple). So to some extend, I was scared to look too.
But I think this will heal for you, physically and emotionally as everyone else stated.
Sending you prayers and strength.
Hugs0 -
Give your body a chance to healLoveBabyJesus said:Hi Renee -- I didn't have a
Hi Renee -- I didn't have a mastectomy (although planning to have one in the near future), but I had a lumpectomy with re-excision. I know I can't compare, but when I first look I was scared too. Especially because the Dr. said he wasn't sure how the second time would turn out (i had cells under nipple). So to some extend, I was scared to look too.
But I think this will heal for you, physically and emotionally as everyone else stated.
Sending you prayers and strength.
Hugs
Dearest Renee,
I also didn't have a mastectomy, so have only the experience of my lumpectomy scars, but I just want to remind you of how powerful our body's ability to heal is.
I know I can't truly relate to losing a breast, but girl, please remember -- you only had surgery 3 DAYS AGO! Of course your body (and your spirit) feels violated and angry, but it's working hard to heal, and you need to just take good care of yourself and let your body do its work. Hold onto the good days, and know that there will be many, many more good days very soon!
Big hug to you,
Traci0 -
Yes Renee i think we all had
Yes Renee i think we all had the reaction at first but as you heal it won't look so bad the scares will fade.I do have concave's on each side but i have gotten us to them and doesn't bother me so much any more i think it's because i had both sides done 2 years ago so i don't see any difference, with still having one breast you would see a lot of difference.I'm sure your feelings will get better in time it is a shock at first.Big hugs out to you.I did not have reconstruction.
Hugs Frankie0 -
All in due time...
The book "First you cry" by Betty Rollin which was made into a tv movie starring Mary Tyler Moore is what came to my mind, the first time I looked. The book dates back to the seventies, I believe. I kept waiting to cry. I never produced one tear. I never had reconstruction. Had to many surgeries at that time and didn't want any more OR trips. Though I've been back for other surgeries many more times.
One morning, I was in my car ready to leave for work. I knew I had forgotten something but couldn't remember what it was. Then I looked down and realized it was my prosthesis. How could I forget, I asked myself? I am big breasted and I certainly could not have gone through the day without it.
When someone had told me that it wouldn't be a big deal in time, I didn't believe them. I just couldn't imagine the time when I wouldn't be upset about it all. Now I do, it's like brushing your teeth, you just put on your prosthesis without much thought.
Your to new to this. It is to raw a scar. Every woman who had a mastectomy understands what you are going through.
Doris0 -
Can one prepare herself?SIROD said:All in due time...
The book "First you cry" by Betty Rollin which was made into a tv movie starring Mary Tyler Moore is what came to my mind, the first time I looked. The book dates back to the seventies, I believe. I kept waiting to cry. I never produced one tear. I never had reconstruction. Had to many surgeries at that time and didn't want any more OR trips. Though I've been back for other surgeries many more times.
One morning, I was in my car ready to leave for work. I knew I had forgotten something but couldn't remember what it was. Then I looked down and realized it was my prosthesis. How could I forget, I asked myself? I am big breasted and I certainly could not have gone through the day without it.
When someone had told me that it wouldn't be a big deal in time, I didn't believe them. I just couldn't imagine the time when I wouldn't be upset about it all. Now I do, it's like brushing your teeth, you just put on your prosthesis without much thought.
Your to new to this. It is to raw a scar. Every woman who had a mastectomy understands what you are going through.
Doris
It was something i tried to do, by covering up my breast that was going to be removed~looking in the mirror trying to imagine it "gone"...but when I took my first look after the surgery in the shower, and saw it gone~excavation complete~i melted into my sisters arms and sobbed. She held me, and we dried me off, changed bandages, and moved forward. I believe I mourned the loss of my body part, what fed my 4 children, and made me feel so womanly. I have had reconstruction, and confirm that it takes time for our bodies (and minds) to adjust, to find what works and what doesn't in clothing and bra's and such.
You are totally normal in whatever you feel. as individuals, we feel somewhat different & somewhat the same~
And those of us here totally understand, it is hard for some to really grasp the reality of what we have or are going through~
Healing thoughts and rest to you sweet Renee~Better days ahead.
~Melanie0 -
It takes time
Time to get used to your new body. But just think of it
as a brave act on your end. You did what you had to. Your
wound will heal in time, it will look somewhat better. And
if it makes you feel bad, don't look at it. I didn't look at
mine for the first 2 weeks. I looked when I felt I was ready.
It still was a bit of a shock but I could handle it better.
It is weird, sometimes you forget your breast are not there
and you actually will your breasts.
Keep your chin up and look ahead, you got a beautiful life
ahead of you.
Hugs,
Ayse0 -
I totally relate to this...I
I totally relate to this...I don't know what happens in America, but when I went into have my mastectomy, I was operated on in the morning and here only keep you in hospital over night and send you home with drains in, and a nurse comes to the house every day for about 2 weeks to change the drains and check your wound. I remember not feeling any pain from the operation, but still didn't feel too bright. Several doctors crowded around my hospital bed looking at my wound and saying how good it all looked...I couldn't see it myself. So when I got home I naturally enough looked in the mirror....WHAT A SHOCK !! GOOD...THEY SAID IT LOOKED GOOD !!!! I got the shock of my life and couldn't look at it for 4 days, I was stunned, and horrified. One day you have 2 boobs, and over night they mutilate you and one side of your chest is gone and swollen and red and patched and totally horrible. These medical people see hundreds of mastectomies but it was my first, and it was ME !! The only operations I'd had before were done with keyhole surgery, so no big cuts or scars. I've told the hospital people that I think before a woman goes home she should be shown in a mirror, what she looks like, with a nurse with her to comfort and answer questions and just reassure the woman, so she doesn't get such a shock when she's alone.0 -
oh yeah..
I had a bilateral mastectomy on Feb 16, 2011. (Stage 3, triple positive, 9 of 12 nodes involved.)
My self description at the time: A Technicolor, 3 dimensional topographical map of a train derailment nightmare scene from a horror movie." (I know - I can get a little wordy.)
Nothing quite prepares you for how very much you do not look like you would think you look after a mastectomy. Remember this IS a transitional body and it will get better in time.
My choice is to not have reconstruction. You probably CAN have reconstruction - IF you want to - it would just likely have to be a "flap" surgery. I recently had a plastic surgeon do a revision surgery on my mastectomy sites. This was only a little over a month ago so it is still not completely how it will look (you know - like a year from now!) but I feel SO much better about how I look. It is smooth and even and I don't feel like a bomb testing site any more!
You WILL get feeling better. When you are ready - contact a qualified, experienced board certified plastic surgeon in your area.
It is imperative that you act as your own very BEST advocate. Reconstruction may very well be an option for you. I had 35 rads and with the surgery I just had which was not flap, I am healing fine.
Hang in there and fight on!
Melanie0 -
5 weeks
I am 5 weeks post mastectomy and as every one has said, it gets easier. You have to mourn the loss and then you can go on to accept the now. I do not plan on reconstruction because a) I don't care-you cannot give me back what I had and I can wear fakes for looks and b) I don't know about healing-my irradiated side is not healing well. It looks different than what I expected and the sides do not match. But you know what? I'm alive, the beast is gone hopefully and I'm getting on with life.
Maureen0 -
I cant add anything to whatEveningStar2 said:5 weeks
I am 5 weeks post mastectomy and as every one has said, it gets easier. You have to mourn the loss and then you can go on to accept the now. I do not plan on reconstruction because a) I don't care-you cannot give me back what I had and I can wear fakes for looks and b) I don't know about healing-my irradiated side is not healing well. It looks different than what I expected and the sides do not match. But you know what? I'm alive, the beast is gone hopefully and I'm getting on with life.
Maureen
I cant add anything to what others have said, but I know you and you will be ok, It is pretty shocking at first. But it gets better. hugs0 -
Oh, Sweetie -- I am so very very sorry,Jean 0609 said:Dear Renee,
I can totally relate, but can't add anything that the other sisters here have said. Sending gentle hugs.
xoxo,
Jean
Its not enough that we breast cancer Gals suffer thru treatments, scans, chemo,
radiation, multiple surgeries -- we at times are faced with the loss of body
parts.
Grieving is normal, and not uncommon. I pray and encourage you to continue
to have hope that there may be some surgery out there the will rebuild your
breast.
Like Maureen, I was horrified, and sad..tears flowed for days.I allowed myself the time for mourning and anger! -- Found solace knowing that I would have new breast again, once
my tissue expanders, and fills were completed. However, 1 of my fully expanded breast expanders removed due to staph infection after a family vacation. I walked around lopsided with 1 flat breast, and 1 fully expanded breast -- for months,
so I know what you may be going thru. Not fun, not fair -- but part of our breast
cancer journey. Damn beast!
Hoping and praying that you feel better soon.
Gentle hugs, and loads of HOPE.
Strength, Courage and HOPE a cure.
Vicki Sam0 -
Sweet Renee...VickiSam said:Oh, Sweetie -- I am so very very sorry,
Its not enough that we breast cancer Gals suffer thru treatments, scans, chemo,
radiation, multiple surgeries -- we at times are faced with the loss of body
parts.
Grieving is normal, and not uncommon. I pray and encourage you to continue
to have hope that there may be some surgery out there the will rebuild your
breast.
Like Maureen, I was horrified, and sad..tears flowed for days.I allowed myself the time for mourning and anger! -- Found solace knowing that I would have new breast again, once
my tissue expanders, and fills were completed. However, 1 of my fully expanded breast expanders removed due to staph infection after a family vacation. I walked around lopsided with 1 flat breast, and 1 fully expanded breast -- for months,
so I know what you may be going thru. Not fun, not fair -- but part of our breast
cancer journey. Damn beast!
Hoping and praying that you feel better soon.
Gentle hugs, and loads of HOPE.
Strength, Courage and HOPE a cure.
Vicki Sam
I had a lumpectomy so I can't relate to a mastectomy..but I do have great empathy of what you've gone through....cancer takes so much from us...I say it's the " gift" that just keeps giving....I tell my husband that me being stage IV...every day is like Christmas...never know what surprises await me each day...with my chemo it seems like my life revolves around chemo, Miralax, or Immodium..lol.....
Anyway, I hope that physically each day gets a little easier...mentally give yourself PLENTY of time....adjust at your own pace...
Wishing you better days....you'll get there....remember our mantra..."We're stronger than we know"......
Big hugs, Nancy0 -
I remember that feeling all too well.
I had mine at the U here which is a teaching hospital. The surgeon just left my room and I got up to see it in the mirror. Just as I opened the gown, a teaching Dr. came in and asked if he could bring in his students. I said not now. 10 seconds later he opened the door again with all of them behind him, and opened my gown.
I shut it and told him I said no, not now, and asked him to leave, I was standing there with tears just running down my face. The 6 young men all looked at the ground. I went home about an hour later and really looked at it then. All the scars and what they represented were the worst.0
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