I'm a childhood cancer survivor and now trying to deal with mom w/ breast cancer

beabarra

Hello all -

Twenty years ago I was diagnosed with Leukemia. Even though I'm in my late twenties now, I'm still dealing with the emotional process as I never dealt with it when I was young.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last Fall. I can clearly see she has some emotional issues that she needs to heal as well. Her self esteem is low and she is short-tempered. She's Latina and old-generation at that - meaning they don't believe in counseling.

I'm at a loss at how to get her help or how I can be of a resource. I find that I get frustrated now and more often now I just walk away and not deal with her issues. But I see that this is now affecting my parent's marriage and I want to be able to help if I can.

Any resources or advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
Beatriz

MAJW

Could ....
What a caring daughter you are! Your Mother is blessed to have you...

Could you tell us a bit more about your Mom's breast cancer....did she have a mastectomy, lumpectomy, chemo, radiation??? These things all play into her physical and emotional healing....having breast cancer is an emotional roller coaster...she may need a good bit of time to rebound from what's happened to her, least of all fear.....sadly, the "normal" life she had before breast cancer, is gone....she will need time to find out what her new normal is....would she be open to a support group in your area? You could enquire were she had treatment...almost with out exception, they have support groups...or contact the American Cancer Society in your area ..they can guide you..also they offer what is called , Finding Your New Normal....you can go with her to all of these ....

If she's not responsive to any of this, I would talk to your dad, about just trying your best to be patient with her...unless you've walked in her shoes it's very difficult to understand what she has been through...if possible, engage her in some activity that she might be interested in...if just taking a walk with her....let her know that even though you haven't walked in her shoes, you are trying your best to understand and want to help her overcome this...most of all, let her know how much all of you, love her dearly...we need to hear this...let her know you need her....just try to be patient...remind her how she was there for you as a child when you had serious health problems..and you want to be there for her, now...is she cancer free now?

She may very well and it sounds like it, be very depressed...if she's not on any medications for depression, perhaps she would be open to medication...if her depression is addressed, it would greatly help all of you! Many times a person isn't even aware they're depressed, as silly as that sounds..it happened to me, until my husband spoke up at one of my oncology appts... He said "she's depressed, even our grown children have noticed it"....and our son is a Psychologist...he really picked up on it.. I was put on medication, seems to be working....I am on my third recurrence with breast cancer undergoing chemo for the third time but am doing well...I find engaging in joyful things help...I'm actually horseback riding again, something I haven't done in years, I'm 61...and oldie on horseback! lol

Sorry this is so long...again, what a caring daughter you are...hang in there...hopefully some of the other ladies will chime in with other suggestions for you...please keep posting..we care
Hugs, Nancy

LoveBabyJesus

Hi Batriz -- Congrats on
Hi Batriz -- Congrats on your recovery and may you continue to live for many, many years more with health.

I will pray for your mom. It really helps to seek some help/support. It doesn't have to be with a counselor. It can be another survivor. Do you think she would join this forum? I think it would be of GREAT help for her. The ladies here are wonderful.

Sorry about the effect this is causing on your parents marriage. I hope and pray she realizes that it's OK to get help. She is not alone. There are many ladies experiencing similar situations and together we can all help each other. It's a long process but it starts with wanting the help. I really hope she listens to you...

Send her over to us! XOXO

CypressCynthia

I am so happy to hear that
I am so happy to hear that you have done so well--congratulations.

Sorry to hear about your mom. You are so sweet to want to try and help her. All I can share is what really helped me.

I enjoyed being with friends who would just listen and not offer advice or judge me. I loved hearing a good joke and finding the humor in the situation. Shopping therapy sometimes helped. My daughter was only 4 when I was first diagnosed.

She is 30 now and I am still fighting cancer. She lives about 1 1/2 hrs away, but sometimes comes and stays for a night or two. I love her company and especially like it when she cooks for me--even better if she also helps with the cleaning (not her strong point but I love it when she does). Mostly I just enjoy her company.

One thing that I do know from having cancer is that you can't control or be responsible for your mom's behavior. Many cancer survivors encounter depression, anger and anxiety along our journey. I am on an antidepressant that is prescribed by my oncologist.

You can tell your mom that her oncologist will give her something if she needs it, because he/she expects that she may need help. Most clinicians are aware that up to 25% of cancer patients may suffer from depression. But, ultimately, this is your mother's journey and you can't make her get help.

Depression and Cancer

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/pdq/supportivecare/depression/Patient/page2

Lynn Smith

It is hard
It is hard to deal with cancer of any kind.Like you said you were young and didn't think about your leukemia but now that you're older you do.Also breast cancer is so prevalant and so many new dx annually.Seems close to 170,000 annually.I read some of that when I was dx 3 years ago.I was in shock when I read those numbers.

It wasn't bad for me when I dx.I had no chemo or radiation.Just take tamox for 5 years and a lumpectomy.Stage 0.Through the 3 years I've had some stress and losing weight.This is what is bothering me.People asy "OMG you are loosing weight".One even asid "Did your cancer come back".I was already depressed and she put me out more.I can't gain weight.Never could.So where I am now will be me forever. Thia believe it or not has made me feel different about myself and depressed.I didn't have a masectomy but my left side is now smaller than the right.This is due to the cancer but also for many other benign tumors throughout my life since 20 years of age.Now 65.

I don't know what to tell you about your mom but it is expected.Her life has changed no matter what.I know what it means when told "You have cancer".Life is unpredictable now.Not like it used to be.Life is harder for anyone being dx with a disease that could come back anytime. Even though my dx was a good one Doesn't make me feel any better.I have the cancer gene.Like my doctor told me.You can get it somewhere else.

Cancer has hit us Five times. This Friday my sister has surgery for breast cancer in both breasts. I had breast cancer 3 years ago, my niece was dx 8 years ago at 30 and my mom died in 2001 but she was a 60 year survivor of breast cancer. My other sister who passed 6 years ago. She had chronic Leukemia.Cancer hit us hard.

I wish the very best for your mom and you.Also I want things to work out and no problems in your parent's marriage.I know when I was first dx I told my husband he had to be more caring.He has been.I just felt our marriage had to become stronger.The cancer brought that out in me.You want to be the happiest but it's hard.

Cancer changes people's life.This is what's happening with your mom.


Lynn Smith

Kylez

MAJW said:

Could ....
What a caring daughter you are! Your Mother is blessed to have you...

Could you tell us a bit more about your Mom's breast cancer....did she have a mastectomy, lumpectomy, chemo, radiation??? These things all play into her physical and emotional healing....having breast cancer is an emotional roller coaster...she may need a good bit of time to rebound from what's happened to her, least of all fear.....sadly, the "normal" life she had before breast cancer, is gone....she will need time to find out what her new normal is....would she be open to a support group in your area? You could enquire were she had treatment...almost with out exception, they have support groups...or contact the American Cancer Society in your area ..they can guide you..also they offer what is called , Finding Your New Normal....you can go with her to all of these ....

If she's not responsive to any of this, I would talk to your dad, about just trying your best to be patient with her...unless you've walked in her shoes it's very difficult to understand what she has been through...if possible, engage her in some activity that she might be interested in...if just taking a walk with her....let her know that even though you haven't walked in her shoes, you are trying your best to understand and want to help her overcome this...most of all, let her know how much all of you, love her dearly...we need to hear this...let her know you need her....just try to be patient...remind her how she was there for you as a child when you had serious health problems..and you want to be there for her, now...is she cancer free now?

She may very well and it sounds like it, be very depressed...if she's not on any medications for depression, perhaps she would be open to medication...if her depression is addressed, it would greatly help all of you! Many times a person isn't even aware they're depressed, as silly as that sounds..it happened to me, until my husband spoke up at one of my oncology appts... He said "she's depressed, even our grown children have noticed it"....and our son is a Psychologist...he really picked up on it.. I was put on medication, seems to be working....I am on my third recurrence with breast cancer undergoing chemo for the third time but am doing well...I find engaging in joyful things help...I'm actually horseback riding again, something I haven't done in years, I'm 61...and oldie on horseback! lol

Sorry this is so long...again, what a caring daughter you are...hang in there...hopefully some of the other ladies will chime in with other suggestions for you...please keep posting..we care
Hugs, Nancy

I am so sorry to read this
I am so sorry to read this about your Mom and I will certainly keep both of you in my prayers. I agree with Nancy that your Mom sounds like she is suffering from depression. Maybe you could bring this up to her and she could talk to her doctor about some meds that might help.

You are a good daughter and I wish you both the best.


Hugs, Kylez