Far away friend just diagnosed.

RosiesMom

Hi everyone,

I got a call from my best friend in L.A. (I'm from Portland, OR) telling me she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She is the first person close to me who has been diagnosed. I want so much to support her, but I'm not sure how since I live so far away. I'm kind of an organizational control freak and it's difficult not being able to swoop in and take care of everything logistical so she only has to deal with the fight.

Here is what I have planned so far and what she has said yes to:

1. I'm flying down next week to give her hugs and snuggles and make food and do whatever is needed. (I've heard not to ask "what can I do", so I'll just see what needs to be done and then offer specific things...yes?
2. I'm flying down in three months when she has surgery to take care of her and her husband who will need a break or help with cooking, laundy, etc.
3. I've asked her for an email list with about 5 of her closest friends in LA so I can organize who will go to chemo with her, who will bring a meal that week, who will chip in for a housekeeper, etc.

Is there ANYTHING else I can do for her and her husband? I'll be sending her a card and/or letter each week and calling her each day. She is a very very private person and so SO modest. I'm very worried about this part during her treatment.

Any advice will be much appreciated.

Jennifer

sdukowitz

If there is a local cancer
If there is a local cancer support group of people she can meet in person nearby that she can talk with ... people in similar experiences ... be careful not to overdo as some people and personalities would only want certain people with them at chemo or housecleaning .... etc She is lucky to have such a caring friend like you! The waiting time was the worst for me so keeping busy with fun activities and stuff like that will help also until surgery and treatment time.... maybe she could join this site too! .... SUE D
Personally after surgery I liked having meals provided for my family about twice a week and could have used help with cleaning and laundry personal visits were great too but ask them to call first....

sdukowitz

If there is a local cancer
Double post sorry!

joannstar

Be sure to ask...
Sue makes a very good point, everyone reacts differently. When I went through treatment (2 surgeries, chemo and rads), I didn't want anyone around me except my husband--not even my sister. I didn't want to be in public and listen to other people's problems which seemed trivial to me while battling cancer--but that's just me. I worked full time and would come home and collapse (literally). I do wish that I had had someone to clean the house.
Your friend is lucky to have such a caring person to help her.
JoAnn

salls41

You are a good friend
I have a friend like you, my very best friend lives in Ct and I live in VA. She was so devastated when I was diagnosed and like you, she wanted to do it all for me. Circumstances and distance being what they are, she could only do so much.
Being the one having the disease and treatments, I did feel very overwhelmed at times with the "help" being offered. While I truly did appreciate all kindnesses and efforts, there were days I just wanted to sit and cry on hubby's shoulder (literally). So be careful about picking folks to help your friend... some people can just be over powering at times. The very best thing you can do is LISTEN to her when she needs to vent. LISTEN when she gets good news. LISTEN when she gets bad news. Don't assume anything,everyday is different. Just because she likes chocolate milk today does not mean she can tolerate it tomorrow. Be the friend you have always been. Don't be hurt if she doesn't seem to be the friend she has always been, she will be when the worst days are over.

Rague

Listen!
The best advice I can give you is to LISTEN to her and her Husband.

Swooping in and taking over everything might be the worst thing you can do. I know your heart/intentions is in the right place but it may not be what she needs. It also might be just what she needs. Listen to what she says, not what you want to hear. The same goes for her Hubby - he may appreciate a break but he may also not want to have someone else take over his role/responsibilities.

I know that I would not have wanted someone coming in and taking over. To me, it would have been saying that I was incapable and useless. Yes Hubby did take over doing cooking/housework and Son took over barn chores when I didn't feel like it but when I did it made me feel better to do what I could as close to usual but it was a comfort to know that I didn't have to.

There is a very good poem that I posted here sometime ago about listening to what is said.

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

camul

Jennifer
It really is nice of you to be so thoughtful and caring. Just make sure that is what she wants. I have some good friends who called from CA and want to come out and help. Personally, I would love the company..... for a couple of hours, but the thought of having ohers stay at my house was too overwhelming. I stressed over it and then called my best friend back and asked her to come when I was feeling better. She did and only stayed 3 days and it was a good visit. I knew her heart was in the right place but when I am feeling miserable, I prefer to be left alone.
She understood. Some have not been so understanding. Just be sure to listen to what she really wants... like someone else said one day I love chocolate milk and the next day just the thought of it makes me nauseated.
She is really lucky though to have such a caring friend.
You may want to check in her area though before taking up a collection for house keeping. Some cancer centers and other organizations offer so many hours while going through treatment at no charge. It would make me uncomfortable having other people here cleaning my house, but hat is just me.
Like others have said... listen to what she needs.

Best to your friend.

disneyfan2008

I live in NYS and Best
I live in NYS and Best friend from childhood drove down from Vt for the day to be with me when I woke up..it was great...just a little gesture (and he time and gas $ of course) but that really made my day..


Denise

Noel

Rague said:

Listen!
The best advice I can give you is to LISTEN to her and her Husband.

Swooping in and taking over everything might be the worst thing you can do. I know your heart/intentions is in the right place but it may not be what she needs. It also might be just what she needs. Listen to what she says, not what you want to hear. The same goes for her Hubby - he may appreciate a break but he may also not want to have someone else take over his role/responsibilities.

I know that I would not have wanted someone coming in and taking over. To me, it would have been saying that I was incapable and useless. Yes Hubby did take over doing cooking/housework and Son took over barn chores when I didn't feel like it but when I did it made me feel better to do what I could as close to usual but it was a comfort to know that I didn't have to.

There is a very good poem that I posted here sometime ago about listening to what is said.

Winyan - The Power Within

Susan

How lucky your friend is to
How lucky your friend is to have you! If I had to just give one word of advice, it would be to listen, just listen to what she says and she will tell you what she needs.

Best of luck to her,

Noel