Talking to the kids
There were a lot of tears all round and was pleased they felt able to ask a number of questions but, boy, was it hard. My 5 year old daughter was quite practical and random ('will your new leg have hair?', 'will you have to take you trousers off to have the operation?') but my son's questions were harder and his reaction more affecting. He and I always did a lot of sport together and he asked alot about what I will and won't be able to do and also about how embarrassing it will be for me (and I guess for him). Ultimately he he felt 'nothing will ever be normal again' which was hard to hear (partly because he has a point).
They have talked more about over the weekend including raising it themselves and my son has been able to find some more positives at times and talk without getting upset. It is a real bombshell for them, while we have had some time to get used to the idea and sits outside their realm of understanding in many ways. We have talked to the school counsellor and the kids have agreed they would like her to talk to them later this week. My son also agreed for us to get other parents to talk to his friends in advance of it happening so they understand (he was afraid of crying at school and people not knowing why and of people teasing him). We also have a book, some one here suggested, on the way, about a teddy with an amputation, so hope that helps the discussion progress particularly for my daughter.
As a parent it is such a strong drive to protect our kids from all that is horrible in this world and when we can't it really challenges something basic in us. I think we have done the right thing and I was proud of the kids in how they responded but hate having to do this to them.
How have others faced telling kids stuff? Our approach has been to avoid anything too far ahead in the future or anything we don't know for sure eg we have never raised the fact the cancer will kill me if I don't get this treatment. This is the first really hard stuff we have had to be really open about. We haven't done the details (urostomy/ colostomy stuff can wait for a while) but will have to face them in time.
As parents we feel like we are blundering through this some what blindly, trying to do the best we can- but in truth that is what parenting is all about! It's hard enough without having to explain amputations!
steve
Comments
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I lost my mom at 6
from breast cancer, so I can give you a child's view of the worst. You still are a survivor, but even at the worst, I survived. I am sure it affected me somehow, but one thing I wanted to mention was that even tho in those time they never explained things to kids, I knew from listening everything that was happening, so it seems you are doing it so right...I never got to have that talk and it probably would have helped..bless you, hard road to follow, but sounds like you are doing it right. good luck, may all turn out well for you. Pat0 -
(((((((((((((((((steve and
(((((((((((((((((steve and family))))))))))))))))
the truth is, having to deliver this message to ones children, no matter the age, would be so so tough. It really puts it out there and forces the issue head on. You know Steve to give them time, give yourselves time to adjust to this new reality. I think as a parent the very best thing you can do is to remain positive and still provide the safety net for their questions and concerns. They are scared you know? I think it would be good to focus on what won't change, and hey, your 2 hands can build model planes with your son, you will still be able to read bed time stories to your daughter, laugh at jokes, dream, pray!0 -
So hard...
and I don't think there is any one right way to do it. My kids were 5, 14 and 17 when I was diagnosed, and for us, the best path was being pretty open about everything. When asked pointblank if I was going to die, I didn't tell them there was no chance of that happening, just said that I had a lot of good doctors working to make me better, and that with a little luck, I would be around for a long time. I never told them I had a definite chance of a cure, because my doctor never gave me that hope. I tried to give them as much hope as possible, without succumbing to outright dishonesty. My sister, on the other hand, never told her 13 year old son how sick she was until just a few weeks before she died; he knew she had cancer but not that it was probably going to kill her (which they knew from the time of dx). At the time I was pretty judgmental of her and my BIL for taking that approach, but now that I've been down this insane road myself, I no longer judge anyone for how they choose to deal with this. It just basically sucks all around. The one thing I've taken from my experience, as well as my sister's, is that kids are amazingly resilient, and as long as they are getting plenty of love from their dad (and it's pretty clear from your posts that you are a very good dad!), they will adjust quickly to the new reality. Hugs and strength from one parent to another-Ann0 -
Children
That had to be so hard to do and trying to be strong at the same time. You did the right thing telling them in advance of the operation so they can possibly think about it some more and ask before you come home. My best to you and your family during this trying time.
Kim0 -
So tough
Hi Steve,
In my whole 'journey', the toughest thing by far has been sharing bad news with my kids. It is gut-wrenching.
Like you, though, I decided early on to be open with them. OK, I present as positive a spin as possible ("I have wonderful doctors; there are new drugs appearing all the time" etc.). And I decided if they ask a direct question, they deserve a direct answer. In addition to breaking the news (whatever that news is) and the initial conversation (and tears!), I think it is important to 'keep the door open' for later questions or expressions -- as it is obvious you have done. They need to know they can ask or say anything. We also informed the school so that they were aware. That actually proved useful -- we had one or two meltdowns at school....
I think you are doing such a marvelous job with informing them, Steve. The surgery may be easy compared with that! Sending loving thoughts to the whole family.
Tara0 -
StevetaraHK said:So tough
Hi Steve,
In my whole 'journey', the toughest thing by far has been sharing bad news with my kids. It is gut-wrenching.
Like you, though, I decided early on to be open with them. OK, I present as positive a spin as possible ("I have wonderful doctors; there are new drugs appearing all the time" etc.). And I decided if they ask a direct question, they deserve a direct answer. In addition to breaking the news (whatever that news is) and the initial conversation (and tears!), I think it is important to 'keep the door open' for later questions or expressions -- as it is obvious you have done. They need to know they can ask or say anything. We also informed the school so that they were aware. That actually proved useful -- we had one or two meltdowns at school....
I think you are doing such a marvelous job with informing them, Steve. The surgery may be easy compared with that! Sending loving thoughts to the whole family.
Tara
I cannot imagine the difficulty of talking with your kids. However, I do know, from every sentence in your post, that your children are growing up secure in the knowledge that they are loved and cherished by an incredible Dad. Nothing can take that from them.
Hugs,
Cathleen Mary0 -
Well Said Cathleen MaryCathleen Mary said:Steve
I cannot imagine the difficulty of talking with your kids. However, I do know, from every sentence in your post, that your children are growing up secure in the knowledge that they are loved and cherished by an incredible Dad. Nothing can take that from them.
Hugs,
Cathleen Mary
I agree with your post whole heartedly -0 -
Hey Steve.....YoungerSis62 said:Well Said Cathleen Mary
I agree with your post whole heartedly -
Dang.....you are an awesome Dad and person ....... How friggin hard this is .....my heart aches for you and the the fam at this very difficult time. I think your decisions are square on. You have that inner strength that shines thru and the kids see that.
Jennie0 -
Thank you
Thanks for the replies and for those that have PMd with advise. The kids seem to be adjusting quickly to the idea nad can talk about more without the tears. Lots of slightly wierd practical questions coming out that even I hadn't considered- how will I climb onto my son't bunk for books, is there a local wheelcahri rugbyteam (my son loves the thought of that- it's other name is 'deathball')!
We are staying open and consistent in talking about it and think they are starting the process of accepting it. We might have a look at some people with prostheses on the internet (Will check is a good site first) with them so they can imaging better the leg, etc as I worry they do have some strange images intheir mind as to what it will look like.
Will certainly be watching a bit of paralympics this year!
steve0 -
Not all kids...danker said:kids
I was old enough when I was dxed, that my 4 children were all adults. Probably more understanding, but still not happy. The best to you as you follow such a hard road.
Not all kids that are concerned in this are our own. My daughter was 26 when I was dx'd and we'd been estranged (my fault) for a few years. The dx helped to bring us back together. What was hard was telling my godchildren. They and their mother had planned a visit for two days after the dx for a couple of months. My godson was 14 and goddaughter was 11 at the time and it was very hard on them. They're coming up to visit at the end of this month and this time I'll have to tell them that it's very possible that we might never see each other again.
I just know if I'll have the energy next spring to go down to Phoenix to visit them and their mom is hard pressed to afford the money and time off to come up here. I think it's going to be hardest on my goddaughter because she and I are very close. Regardless, it's not a conversation I really want to have.0 -
some kids lack resilience
Steve,
If thinks your kids will understand it.
I hope mine do.
Explain that dads loossing a leg but his heart is getting bigger.
It's what's inside that important, not the outside.
And that's love.
Hugs,
Pete
Ps still saluting0 -
I am so truly sorry that you
I am so truly sorry that you and your family have to go through this.0 -
Thaks for all the replies
My kids seem to be adapting well to the news. They both surprised me by openly talking in front of their classes about it yesterday- I think they were keen to tell some one as helps them not feel they holding an overwhelming 'secret'. They had to answer some hard questions from the kids themselves and their teachers said they did so really well. I am sure there were a few odd converstations around the dinner tables in the village that night as 30 five year olds came home to tell their parents 'Emma's dad is having his leg cut off during the holidays!' (as many parent don't know themselves yet).
Nice to have it more out in the open in truth- helps me not feel like I am carrying a 'secret' and hopefully will stop parents asking me if I injured my leg playing sport as I walk with a bit of a limp at present and don't feel I can reply 'no it's cancer'!
Kids surprise us in so many ways- I feel so proud of how well they are have taken and dealt with the news. Is a long journey yet to fully accept it all but it feels like one mountain is climbed.
steve0 -
Kids are wonderfulsteved said:Thaks for all the replies
My kids seem to be adapting well to the news. They both surprised me by openly talking in front of their classes about it yesterday- I think they were keen to tell some one as helps them not feel they holding an overwhelming 'secret'. They had to answer some hard questions from the kids themselves and their teachers said they did so really well. I am sure there were a few odd converstations around the dinner tables in the village that night as 30 five year olds came home to tell their parents 'Emma's dad is having his leg cut off during the holidays!' (as many parent don't know themselves yet).
Nice to have it more out in the open in truth- helps me not feel like I am carrying a 'secret' and hopefully will stop parents asking me if I injured my leg playing sport as I walk with a bit of a limp at present and don't feel I can reply 'no it's cancer'!
Kids surprise us in so many ways- I feel so proud of how well they are have taken and dealt with the news. Is a long journey yet to fully accept it all but it feels like one mountain is climbed.
steve
Children are something of a wonder unto themselves.
It is a testament to you and your wife's rearing of them that they are doing so well with the news.
May this journey continue to be one of pleasant surprises.
Hugs to all 4 of you,
Marie who loves kitties0 -
SteveLovekitties said:Kids are wonderful
Children are something of a wonder unto themselves.
It is a testament to you and your wife's rearing of them that they are doing so well with the news.
May this journey continue to be one of pleasant surprises.
Hugs to all 4 of you,
Marie who loves kitties
I always found with my daughter that telling her the truth in advance was the best option. I never did it too far in advance, but with enough time for her to adjust. At first there would always be the expected tears, but she would surprise me by coming up with a good side to the particular situation (and pretty quickly). When our children trust us, they come up with their own ways to cope and adjust to hard situations.
Prayers and healing thoughts going out to you!!
Deb0 -
Stevedeb824 said:Steve
I always found with my daughter that telling her the truth in advance was the best option. I never did it too far in advance, but with enough time for her to adjust. At first there would always be the expected tears, but she would surprise me by coming up with a good side to the particular situation (and pretty quickly). When our children trust us, they come up with their own ways to cope and adjust to hard situations.
Prayers and healing thoughts going out to you!!
Deb
It feels good to get over one mountain.
I have to often think about this one family (parents and 2 adolescents) that came into a restaurant when I was there.
All 4 were on their phones or kids playing video games during the ENTIRE meal. I thought how sad was that. Weren't the parents the least bit interested in what their kids had to say or were thinking???. I love to hear how kids brains work (I'm not a parent). But kids do say some of the most interesting (and yes, so many funny things). I can't imagine having kids but missing out on so much of the fun stuff.
I'm sure no one in that family has cancer, but is anyone really happy and living a fulfilling life. Sadly, they are the norm.
While your journey is long and tedious, you are so connected to your family, and that is priceless. Wish others could see the light.
Hope you will continue to share some of your kid's and their friends thoughts. It makes us smile.0 -
Glad you've been honest with themsteved said:Thaks for all the replies
My kids seem to be adapting well to the news. They both surprised me by openly talking in front of their classes about it yesterday- I think they were keen to tell some one as helps them not feel they holding an overwhelming 'secret'. They had to answer some hard questions from the kids themselves and their teachers said they did so really well. I am sure there were a few odd converstations around the dinner tables in the village that night as 30 five year olds came home to tell their parents 'Emma's dad is having his leg cut off during the holidays!' (as many parent don't know themselves yet).
Nice to have it more out in the open in truth- helps me not feel like I am carrying a 'secret' and hopefully will stop parents asking me if I injured my leg playing sport as I walk with a bit of a limp at present and don't feel I can reply 'no it's cancer'!
Kids surprise us in so many ways- I feel so proud of how well they are have taken and dealt with the news. Is a long journey yet to fully accept it all but it feels like one mountain is climbed.
steve
I'm glad you've been honest with them, and that they are processing it in advance. That will make it a lot easier on them in the long run. Kids figure things out - they overhear conversations - and often they turn what they hear into something much worse in their minds. Kind of like the old game of "telephone."
I think I'd pass on wheelchair rugby! How about wheelchair basketball - seems a bit safer!
0
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