19 months

WikidPissah
WikidPissah Member Posts: 2
in Breast Cancer #1
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on the day before Thanksgiving in 2010. On Jan 3, 2011 I had a bilateral mastectomy followed by chemo and radiation. In June of 2011 I had a double tram flap reconstruction. I can barely look at myself in the shower. My husband of 28 years hasn't seen them. They aren't even, and the nipples are weird. I haven't talked to anyone about this. I have been trying to just go on with my life, act normal. But I am not normal. My whole front side of my torso is still numb. My armpits are partially numb. I feel so fake and weird. i know I made the wrong decision with the tram. I was stupid, I thought I knew what to do. But I screwed up.

I know that I shouldn't be complaining, at least I am alive. Please don't hate on me.

Comments

  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #2
    Welcome to the board
    I am very sorry, that you feel this way. You have made your first step to change your situation came here and speaking out about your feeling. Dealing with cancer is hard. TRAM reconstruction is a major very invasive operation and recovery from it takes up to 12 months. Very often patients feel very fatigued and depressed. Please talk to your doctor about it.

    I had DIEP Flap reconstruction on my left side 4 years ago. I am ok, my breast are not even, so what? To me Appearance is less important than your soul, your spirit and your mind. Numbness will go away as you recover from this surgery. Massage and physical therapy can help.Unfortunately, my cancer has returned and I am back in treatment undergoing Chemotherapy.
    Wishing you the best
    New Flower
  • WikidPissah
    WikidPissah Member Posts: 2
    #3
    New Flower said:

    Welcome to the board
    I am very sorry, that you feel this way. You have made your first step to change your situation came here and speaking out about your feeling. Dealing with cancer is hard. TRAM reconstruction is a major very invasive operation and recovery from it takes up to 12 months. Very often patients feel very fatigued and depressed. Please talk to your doctor about it.

    I had DIEP Flap reconstruction on my left side 4 years ago. I am ok, my breast are not even, so what? To me Appearance is less important than your soul, your spirit and your mind. Numbness will go away as you recover from this surgery. Massage and physical therapy can help.Unfortunately, my cancer has returned and I am back in treatment undergoing Chemotherapy.
    Wishing you the best
    New Flower

    So Sorry
    I am so sorry you have to go thru this again. My heart goes out to you.

    I have never met or spoken with another mastectomy patient. I am well. I have a PET scan scheduled this week to prove that out. I feel quite awkward and insecure being here.
  • salls41
    salls41 Member Posts: 340
    #4
    Tissue expanders
    I currently have expanders and will trade those out for my implants in Sept. But I will also be uneven.. on purpose. I have scoliosis so my PS is making it so if you look at me my breats appear even. If I look down..whoa what a difference! I am just trusting he will know what he is doing! I am sorry you feel so poorly about your self right now. I know I cried the first time I got out of the shower after my bi lateral and saw my stitches, the drains hanging out, the horrid bruising. My hubby saw me crying and asked what was wrong and when I told him I looked like some kind of monster (I am overweight ss well) he wrapped me in his arms and held me and told me it was all going to be ok. He didn't think I looked like a monster, he said he had a hard time looking because it made him hurt so much that he could not take away my pains. Of course he was the one to take care of my incisions etc. and I soon accepted that I didn't care what I looked like. I am thankful to be here, to have him and my children and grandkids. I pray I never have to experience this again. I know your flap surgery is much more invasive than what I went through. Please talk to a professional about your feelings, whether it be your surgeon or a counselor. If you need anti depressants don't hesitate to take them! You have been through somuch!Talk to your husband.. I just bet he thinks your more beautiful now than before.
    Prayers and positive thoughts for you!
    Sandy
  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #5
    So sorry that the tram didn't work well for you.
    I had a mastectomy and went with implants. They were not right. First time, woke up in the morning and the right side (mastectomy side), was flat. Couldn't find the implant. Cracked me up. Called the PS, went in. He couldn't find it either. Assumed it popped! A week later he went back in. I was sporting my new boob in my armpit and back! Removed it. He placed a new one. 3 days later, went in took off the bandages, it was half the size of the left one. Rescheduled for a month later (fda was releasing a new implant for bc), had this one put in. It is better, have had it for 10 years in November, still not perfect, smaller than the left, but with a bra it is not so noticeable. Then had the nip done, it flattened back out in 6 weeks so just had more scars, no nip. It was quite a trip. Then went and had the whole breast tatoo'd, now when I get out of the shower I look at a beautiful hibiscus and hummingbird!

    Can you go back to the Plastic Surgeon? He should be able to make some minor adjustments that will improve the look and feel. Others who had the flap have said that it took close to a year for it to get to where it was going to be. But if you are not happy with it, I would go and get it fixed!

    Don't worry about complaining, our breasts are the reason for this journey, and we are here to support you! Vent anytime.

    Get back to the PS! Best of luck to you.
    Carol
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #6
    WikidPissah said:

    So Sorry
    I am so sorry you have to go thru this again. My heart goes out to you.

    I have never met or spoken with another mastectomy patient. I am well. I have a PET scan scheduled this week to prove that out. I feel quite awkward and insecure being here.

    being here will help you
    I hope we are making you feel more comfortable being here. It is important to talk to someone who have been in a similar situation. Coping with breast cancer, mastectomy and reconstracton could be a long process. You have made a right decision by coming here. Please stay and give your support to others. It will help you to heal emotionally.
    I agree with Carol, talk with your Plastic doctor and see what he/she will offer to improve your appearance and feel.
    Hugs
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #7
    WikidPissah said:

    So Sorry
    I am so sorry you have to go thru this again. My heart goes out to you.

    I have never met or spoken with another mastectomy patient. I am well. I have a PET scan scheduled this week to prove that out. I feel quite awkward and insecure being here.

    Wanting to wish you good
    Wanting to wish you good luck with your PET scan.

    Hugs, Debby
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #8
    camul said:

    So sorry that the tram didn't work well for you.
    I had a mastectomy and went with implants. They were not right. First time, woke up in the morning and the right side (mastectomy side), was flat. Couldn't find the implant. Cracked me up. Called the PS, went in. He couldn't find it either. Assumed it popped! A week later he went back in. I was sporting my new boob in my armpit and back! Removed it. He placed a new one. 3 days later, went in took off the bandages, it was half the size of the left one. Rescheduled for a month later (fda was releasing a new implant for bc), had this one put in. It is better, have had it for 10 years in November, still not perfect, smaller than the left, but with a bra it is not so noticeable. Then had the nip done, it flattened back out in 6 weeks so just had more scars, no nip. It was quite a trip. Then went and had the whole breast tatoo'd, now when I get out of the shower I look at a beautiful hibiscus and hummingbird!

    Can you go back to the Plastic Surgeon? He should be able to make some minor adjustments that will improve the look and feel. Others who had the flap have said that it took close to a year for it to get to where it was going to be. But if you are not happy with it, I would go and get it fixed!

    Don't worry about complaining, our breasts are the reason for this journey, and we are here to support you! Vent anytime.

    Get back to the PS! Best of luck to you.
    Carol

    Ihave a double with no
    Ihave a double with no reconstruction. To accept all of this is a journey and everyon ei s different. i try not to think about it. I know it was necessary to give me the best chance of being well. i m not my boobs most days this is ok. As time goes on and your reconstruction settles out you will be better. counseling is always good. Maqny of us receive counseling. I am also on an antidepressant.
  • tinas3bbs
    tinas3bbs Member Posts: 2
    #9
    salls41 said:

    Tissue expanders
    I currently have expanders and will trade those out for my implants in Sept. But I will also be uneven.. on purpose. I have scoliosis so my PS is making it so if you look at me my breats appear even. If I look down..whoa what a difference! I am just trusting he will know what he is doing! I am sorry you feel so poorly about your self right now. I know I cried the first time I got out of the shower after my bi lateral and saw my stitches, the drains hanging out, the horrid bruising. My hubby saw me crying and asked what was wrong and when I told him I looked like some kind of monster (I am overweight ss well) he wrapped me in his arms and held me and told me it was all going to be ok. He didn't think I looked like a monster, he said he had a hard time looking because it made him hurt so much that he could not take away my pains. Of course he was the one to take care of my incisions etc. and I soon accepted that I didn't care what I looked like. I am thankful to be here, to have him and my children and grandkids. I pray I never have to experience this again. I know your flap surgery is much more invasive than what I went through. Please talk to a professional about your feelings, whether it be your surgeon or a counselor. If you need anti depressants don't hesitate to take them! You have been through somuch!Talk to your husband.. I just bet he thinks your more beautiful now than before.
    Prayers and positive thoughts for you!
    Sandy

    expanders
    Hello. I stumble across this board as I am doing my usual google search on breast cancer, bilateral mastectomy and sentinel node, etc... I am a 39 year old wife and mom of three beautiful children. I was diagnosed with DCIS in SITU of the left breast on 6/22/12 after a lumpectomy. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with expanders on 07/24/12. Due to my dense breast tissue my cancer was only detected with lumpectomy. Mammo, ultra sound and MRI did not detect any presence of cancer. Reading your comment about "crying the first time" is my fear. This and me not waking after surgery keep me up at night. I am afaid of looking like frankenstein after. I can't imagine not having nipples. My girlfriend told me that I will be like Barbie and everyone loves Barbie. My husband is very reassuring and tells me not to worry. So much easier than said. I can deal with the thought of being in pain after I just can't deal with the thought of what I will look like. Any tips?
  • salls41
    salls41 Member Posts: 340
    #10
    tinas3bbs said:

    expanders
    Hello. I stumble across this board as I am doing my usual google search on breast cancer, bilateral mastectomy and sentinel node, etc... I am a 39 year old wife and mom of three beautiful children. I was diagnosed with DCIS in SITU of the left breast on 6/22/12 after a lumpectomy. I am having a bilateral mastectomy with expanders on 07/24/12. Due to my dense breast tissue my cancer was only detected with lumpectomy. Mammo, ultra sound and MRI did not detect any presence of cancer. Reading your comment about "crying the first time" is my fear. This and me not waking after surgery keep me up at night. I am afaid of looking like frankenstein after. I can't imagine not having nipples. My girlfriend told me that I will be like Barbie and everyone loves Barbie. My husband is very reassuring and tells me not to worry. So much easier than said. I can deal with the thought of being in pain after I just can't deal with the thought of what I will look like. Any tips?

    Tina
    Tina, I will be getting nipples at the time I do my exchange. Talk to your plastic surg. and see what can be done. I think for me the way I got past the ugly was to see the beauty. The beauty is that this surgery can now be done leaving minimal scarring. Years ago, women were not as fortunate as we are to have the options we do. I also look at my scars as my battle scars, and I won the battle. I will live to see grandchild #5 born next month and hopefully more will follow. I hope to live to see grandchild 1, 2, 3,4 and 5 get married! I fought hard to be able to do that. I wanted to do everything possible to assure I did everything to get rid of my cancer.
    Talk with your surgeon about your fears. Is their a specific reason you are afraid you won't wake up? I had one surgery before this and that was to have my tubes tied 22 years ago LOL.. I was a little apprehensive but both my surgeons were so helpful I was totally relaxed when we got in the OR.
    Most of the time our fear of the unknown is much worse than what actually takes place. Have you viewed medical pictures of people who have had bi lateral Mastectomy?
    I will be happy to answer any other questions you have.. just PM me!
    {{{Hugs}}}
    Sandy
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #11
    VENT AWAY....THAT IS WHAT WE
    VENT AWAY....THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR... I have not gone through near as much as you...but I will listen (aka READ)...


    Denise

Discussion Boards